HER COWGIRL COSTUME IN 2007

She always loved Halloween time.  Went to work on that day dressed a a cowgirl.  I still have those boots tucked away in my closet.  She gave them to me before she found out she had cancer.  I cherish anything she gave me.  Such a beautiful and loving daughter, my Jeannette

MY TREASURED EMAIL FROM JEANNETTE

 This is the second email from Jeannette dated June 13, 2008:

Mom, I'm going to come on Wednesday next week and be there through the weekend, so plan for me and you to see Grandma and Grandpa next weekend at the church.  I can't wait.... I know I'm just going to be crying and crying.... but good tears.

Tell Diana that she has to go no matter what for me.  Oh, I'm not going to have surgery until September because the doctor wants me to have 6 chemo's before the surgery.  Other than that I'm doing good. 

Call me when you can.

I KNOW SHE IS WITH GOD NOW

Today is the last day of October, 2012.  Another month without my Jeannette.  As I am retired now and have time to do things around the house I decided to clean and rearrange my closets.  I found two e-mails from Jeannette.  She sent them to me in June of 2008.  I am going to share this with all of you. 

Hi Ma,

I'm doing good.  Today I went down to the base and met with the JAG(lawyer) and I did my will.  I had it notarized and witnessed too.  So, I officially have a will for my babies.

Tomorrow I have a doctor appointment and then next week Chemo again.  But, I'm hanging in there and I'm so glad that my family loves me the way they do.  I can't believe the Balderama side have so much concern and love that they've given me.  Makes me cry to think that Grandma and Grandpa are praying for me with all their might.

I miss you guys so much ma.  Yesterday when I read your email about your co-workers donating leave for you I bursted into tears.  I just couldn't stop crying because I know that it meant alot for you to be able to be with me.

This email from Jeannette brought me to my knees crying right now.  I miss her so very much.

JEANNETTE WAS THE MEANING OF "LOVE"

On this Tuesday night here in Fresno, California I can't help but cry over loosing my Jeannette.  I sit here in front of this computer looking at her picture and I cry.  I cry because it is a true tragedy that she was taken from all of us. She was not only a daughter but my very best friend and I miss her terribly.  I find myself thinking about all the fun and laughter we shared.  She has left an indelible mark on my life.  She lives on in our memories. 

Lately, I have been doing stream of conscious writing to clear my head.  It's been working so far.  It's the only way to keep my head from exploding. 

Her birthday is coming up next week on November 5, 2012,  She would have been 41 years of age.  How sad is that.  She never got a chance to be middle aged and see her children grow up.  I wish I could close my eyes tonight and wake up to all this being a bad dream. 

I miss My Nettle Poodle.

PROUD TO BE ONE BAD ASS MOMMA

I fought the fight that she couldn't no more.  I spoke out and expressed my concerns regarding her medical treatment and especially spoke my mind to her unloving husband.   I let him have it one day in the hospital while Jeannette was on sedation.  I had left the room for a short while and when I returned I noticed that the pain medication had gone from 10 to almost 20.  The higher it went, the worst she could get because her lungs would give out and her heart would stop.  I asked who had done it and her husband yelled out to me that he asked the nurse to give her more and that he was in charge and that he could make decisons without my approval.  I flat out went into a rage and told him exactly how I felt about him.  Oh, and get this, Jeannette's dad was sitting directly in front of me and did not say a word. Later on after Jeannette passed he told me that the reason he didn't tell Pat off is because he has promised Jeannette to never fight with Pat.  That is a damn lie.  Later as years passed I found out he and Pat shared a life insurance policy worth over 400 hundred thousand.

It was a matter of money to those evil people.

I will always stand up and fight for my children.  Jeannette lost her fight with breast cancer but I know she is in Heaven and sees what a loving mama I was to her and to especially stand up to that punk of a husband she had.  He never not once kneeled down beside her and held her hand and kissed her.  No affection at all. 

I'LL DO IT MYSELF MA

It was early morning in Thousand Oaks, California on that day in June of 2008.  She was determined to answer all her e-mails that she received from her friends near and far.  I was there with her and remember telling her that I would get on her PC and do it for her.  Her  right wrist was hurting so much that morning.  She was on medication for pain but it didn't really take all the pain away.  She told me, "No, Ma. I want to do it myself cause it will mean more to people that it was me that answered them back."  She had a serious look on her face and I doubt that I could make her change her mind.  I knew she was determined to do it so I just went into the kitchen and proceeded to make her some cream of wheat and fresh coffee. 

Today, I too sit in front of my PC and in my PJ's, drinking coffee and writing about my precious daughter that I miss so much.  Just yesterday as I was cleaning out a box of papers I found a card she has sent me long ago.  It was before she found out she had breast cancer.  In the card she said that she was thinking of me and worried that I didn't take my calcium.  She said, "Ma, please take your calcium cause I don't want to hear you broke a bone or something."  My Jeannette always worried about me as I did of her. 

Someday I know I will see my precious Nettle Poodle again. 

IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE BACK ON

Alot has happened to me ever since my last posting which was in the middle of September.  My Internet went out on my PC.  I could not get it fixed for weeks.  What matters is that I am back on and so glad. 

I miss my Jeannette so much.  She always came to my rescue in times of need.  If she were here I know she would have had my PC fixed right away or bought me a new one. 

My last day at work was on August 31, 2012.  I am totally enjoying my being able to do what I want each and everyday.  Have been so very busy lately.  Hopefully, I will make it to visit Jeannette's grave site on her birthday which is November 5, 2012.