TYPICAL DAY AT WORK

I pray everyday that one day soon I can retire and rest after 35 years of working.  I am anxious to go visit my Jeannette resting place in Los Angeles, California.   Here I am at work today.   This morning at 5:00 a.m. I wanted so much to go back to sleep and not go to work.  I somehow got enough strength to get up and get my coffee on and after showering, I felt wide awake and ready to go. 

Hopefully in August I will finally stop.  My new life will begin.  Praise God.

LOLO AND HER MAMA IN 2007

Jeannette and her LoLo.   I think this picture was taken in late 2007.  Only 6 months would pass before she found the lump on her breast.  She and LoLo had a special bond.  Jeannette was very protective of her only daughter and that is why she was so strict with her.  What an awesome mother she was.  I know now she is in Heaven watching over her babies. 

A SATURDAY NIGHT IN JUNE, 2012

Sometimes on Saturday nights I spend it just like in this picture.  Thinking of Jeannette and all the memories she left me and my family.  I think about all the days I spent with her in Thousand Oaks, California and trying to help her any which way I could.  I think about her in bed with so much pain and trying to make herself comfortable.  I think about her animals which consisted of two cats and a dog that would follow her everywhere and nestled next to her.  I think about how she would ask me to make her homemade tortillas with butter and how I would jump up and start making them right away.  I think about the times while she was asleep how I would go outside to my car and cry my heart out.  I was scared of loosing her.  It was an unbelievable ordeal with this monster of breast cancer.  It took my Nettle.  My beautiful beautiful daughter. 

Someday and somehow, I will not have these Saturday nights like this picture. 

SHE PUT BREAST CANCER ON BACK BURNER

Saturday morning here in Fresno, California.  Cable guy just left.  Had problems with my PC and I did not have Internet.  First thing I thought about was my Jeannette's blog.  So, here I am writing again about my amazing loving daughter.

  Look at this picture.  She is so beautiful.  She was young and wanted to feel pretty so she bought the wig she is wearing.  I told her that she was pretty even bald and with no eyebrows and eyelashes. 
We had long conversations about her children's future.  She would say to me that when she really thought about it that she would go into deep depression because she knew she wouldn't be around to see them grow up.  She would miss out on Loreal's graduation from high school and Mathew's too.   Jeannette loved her children so very much.  Every time I would go visit her in Thousand Oaks, California, I would find her fridge packed with so much food.  There was even a big cart in the kitchen area filled with all kinds of cereals and snacks.  Her children never had to ask for anything because she made sure everything was there for them. 

Jeannette was battling breast cancer.  Her life on earth was short.  She had to take so many medicines and go to several appointments.  Even though she was in excruciating pain and had little energy, She managed to take care of her children.  To her, it was way more important than her battle.  I wish everyone had an opportunity to see and witness this awesome mother in effect.  She was like no other. 

Her children were blessed and now they have a Angel in Heaven.

My beautiful Nettle Poodle, I miss her so much.

TO HER VERY LAST SECOND, SHE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL

With her body aching in pain and no relief in sight.   With her favorite wig and headband on, she was determined to take this picture by a professional photographer on that spring day in 2009.  She had been told by her doctor that her time was short and so she was making memories as much as she could.  She told me, "Ma, I want my children to remember me."  Then she said, "Ma, do you think they will."  I reassured her that her children would always remember her because she was a good mom and cared for them. 

Nothing, not even the damn breast cancer could make my Jeannette look ugly.  Her beauty withstood all the damage that cancer brought on.  Her eyebrows all fell out, her eyelashes, her hair but her pretty face still came shining through.  I helped her paint on eyebrows, and put eye shadow on her pretty eyes.  She looked beautiful.

On her last day on this earth and while in sedation, I looked at her with a million tears falling down my cheeks.  As I stood there shaking as her heart began to stop beating, I looked at my baby.  She still looked amazingly beautiful and almost Angel like. 

I miss her so much.  I will never ever get over my dear daughter's death.  NO, not never!

THANK YOU, MY DEAR ANGEL IN HEAVEN.

A Monday in June has almost come to an end.  A day full of surprises.  There are absolutely no words to describe how I felt today when my attorney called me.  I want to thank my Angel in Heaven for always believing in me and encouraging me to seek justice even though she was dealing with a big battle against breast cancer.  My Jeannette thru all her pain begged me to do something for her after she died.  I remember crying and telling her to just concentrate on her health and not focus on me.  She would look straight into my eyes and ask me to please listen to her.  She said that she had a feeling her husband would not honor her wishes and help me out financially and therefore, she wanted me to be pro-active and fight for my justice. 

After my Jeannette died I was in so much depression and grief that I could not even think of taking her advice.  A year went by before I called Jeannette's husband and asked him if he would honor Jeannette's wishes (of which she had announced numerous times during the coarse of her battle to anyone within listening distance).  He was abrupt and rude and everything negative a person can be.  He said, "No, I will not."  I hung up and realized Jeannette's prediction had come true. 

I talked to several family members and finally my dear brother Sam.  He helped me with an attorney and I was referred to the most awesome attorney in Fresno.  She went to war for my cause. 

I got my justice today.  Jeannette, my Angel how I wish I could run up to you and hug you tight and cry cry cry telling you how happy I am. 

Now, I have two more issues of justice that I will pursue.  I know my Angel will be by my side again. 

For over thirty years I have been treated unfair at the hands of the father of my children.  On the road to full recovery of all he has taken. 

God is Great.

THE HOME OF DOMINGO AND VIRGINIA ROCHA

Today, while in my hometown of Corcoran I happened to drive down to the end of Dairy Avenue.  There at that end of the street was the home of my former in-laws and my children's grandparents.  It looked so lonely facing the hot sun with no shrubs or trees that could shade it.  I felt like it was in a ghost town. The wind blew a tumble weed as I slowly drove by.   With nobody around was like a feeling of emptiness that came over me. 

I remember back in 1967- thru 1980.  It was a home full of life.  My in-laws had a large family which consisted of three sons and four daughters of which most of them lived on the property.    My former father-in-law was a man that stood only 5'4''.  He ruled his property like no other.  He built the house and several shacks that encircled the property.  His mother and father lived in a house by an alley close to him.  His sister and her family lived right next door.  There was always something going on.  People coming in and out of the house.  Adults, children and babies all around. 

My mother -in-law was almost what I call a Saint.  She loved all her family with all of her heart.  I miss her so much.  It was she that made that house on Dairy Avenue in Corcoran a Home.  She welcomed everyone.  I always felt a tremendous amount of love when I would go visit her.  I knew I had to compete for her attention due to so many relatives always in and out of her home. 

It almost brought a tear to my eyes when I remember years long gone.  Gone are the music that my mother -in-law loved.  Freddie Fender song, "Wasted Days and Wasted Nights" could be heard all the way to the alley in the back of her home.  Gone are all the hugs we would give each other. Gone are the days of me making my father-in-law laugh to the point of him crying.  Gone are all the New Years Eve's when my mother-in-law would tell me to go outside and help her honk the horn on the "Ponka."  Gone are the times my father-in-law would tell me all about the new fruit trees he planted.  Gone are all the special times with my mother-in-law by my side as we cruised the streets of Corcoran and go to Tolberts to eat a big piece of pie and ice-cream. 

The house is the only thing left now.    Everyone has grown up and left.  Renters are now on the property. 

May they both rest in Peace. 

MY BEAUTIFUL AND GORGEOUS SISTER, BRENDA

What a beautiful sister I have.  She is beautiful inside and out.  I had fun with her today sharing our day with my dad.  She has such unique talents.  So creative.  I wish her everything good in life.  One day soon I want to give her a special gift that she can flash across the street.  Only she knows what I am talking about.  That's what sisters do.  We have our special relationship.  Luv Her so much.  My baby sister. 

BRENDA, DADDY AND I IN CHURCH TODAY

Father's Day today in church with my dad.  This is a picture of me and my sis with our dad.  I know dad misses mom so much and is lost without her.  Long ago on Father's Day my mother would make it so special for him.  We would all be laughing and having a good time.  Mom is gone now and Dad is lonely.  On this day after church we went out of town for some fun.  He had so much fun but later told me his right knee hurts so we headed back to Corcoran, California and to his home on Dairy Ave. 

I wish Jeannette could have been here to share on this special day. 

1987 WAS A VERY GOOD YEAR

1987 full of memories of me and my Jeannette.  She was my cute teenager and loved me so very much.  She cooked for me almost always the same dinner but I didn't mind.  One day when I had to work the PM shift at work she made me some pasta shells with delicious sauce and some garlic bread and big tall glass of pink lemonade.  She even baked an upside down pineapple cake.  Trust me when I say this,  I can still feel the excitement of that day when I woke up to find the nice early dinner waiting for me.  My Jeannette was so thoughtful and so wonderful.  Later, as I was leaving the house, she ran out to the car and said, "Ma, be careful o.k."  It felt so good as I drove away knowing my little teen girl was so loving towards me.  

Jeannette will never ever be forgotten.  She is my Angel in Heaven. 

Father's Day Happenings

Here I am on this hot Friday 15th of June, 2012.  Had so much to do today.  Getting all things done so that I can go out to town to see my 84 year old dad for Father's Day.  Everyone from our family will be in church Sunday morning.  The only person missing is my Jeannette and my mommy.  I sure miss them so much.  My dad is very lonely and misses my mother.  They had been married for 61 years before she died.

I am going to make sure my dad has the best Father's Day possible.  I love him so much. 

IT WAS ONE OF THOSE SAD DAYS TODAY FOR ME

Tuesday afternoon, June 12, 2012.  At home alone and looking a photos of Jeannette.  It hits me hard sometimes and I can't help but cry.  I miss her so much.  My other daughter, Diana called me and invited me to her home for dinner.  I am not hungry.  No appetite.  Just want to sit here in my home and remember my beautiful girl.  She is in Heaven and I at times wish I could die so I could see her and give her the biggest hug possible. 

SOMETIMES I WANT TO SCREAM OUT AT BREAST CANCER

Here I am on my way.  Life for me has been very difficult but I manage to cope either by writing on this blog or picking up my grandchildren and doing things with them.  If I let my grief over take me  I think I would go mad.  I would shout out at breast cancer and scream as loud as can be at it.  I would ask "Why" did you take my Jeannette away from me.  "Why" take away the most loving and amazing person on this earth. 
Jeannette is in my heart.  In my mind. Everyday, I miss her more and more.  But life goes on and I have to make the best of it for the sake of my loved ones.  I know Jeannette would not like me to be sad all the time.  She would want me to be just like in this picture and dressed up and ready to go out the door. 

HER COACH PURSE, HER LAST

Sunday morning today in Fresno, California.  Drinking my first cup of coffee and relaxing a bit.  I glanced over at my closet and first thing that caught my eye was my beloved Jeannette's Coach purse.  The purse has such sentimental value to me.  No amount of money can make me sell it.  I cherish it.  I remember that it was Jeannette's favorite among all her collection of purses.  She would always use it no matter where she went.  I admired it so and told her.  During her final days in the hospital, I managed to hold on to it.  It had been emptied by my ex husband's wife.  She was eager to get her hands on all the materialistic possessions of Jeannette's.  She did take out Jeannette's wallet but I had my Jeannette's purse and I was not going to let her have it. 
When Jeannette died I drove hundreds of miles back to my home in Fresno.  I cried all the way home.  I felt devastated and felt like as if a knife was stuck into my heart. 
I found out later that my ex and his wife ransacked Jeannette's bedroom and took out several big plastic bags of Jeannette's things.  I never got anything of my Jeannette's.  A month later I travelled to Thousand Oaks and asked Jeannette's husband for her military uniform.  He said it was given to Goodwill.  I was so upset.  How could this happen.  I just have a few things of Jeannette's that she herself gave me and I treasure them so much. 

Thank God, I do have her last purse.

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

YVONNE REMINDED ME OF MY BELOVED JEANNETTE

Yvonne Gravelle has to be one of the most beautiful people I know.  She is beautiful inside and out.  What an amazing young woman.  She and I met at work when she got transferred from the Violet Heinz Academy to the Heritage in Fresno, California.  We hit if off right right away.  She reminded me of my Jeannette because she is almost same age.  She is just a few years older than Jeannette.  We had many funny times working together and my days were not as sad due to her presence.  She has been blessed with a very kind heart and is so gentle and kind especially to our Mental Health clients who at times are stressed out.   She manages to calm them down just by her sweet voice.  I was totally impressed with her professionalism. 

One thing we had in common was that she lost her dear father last year and is still in grieving process just like me.  She talked about what a wonderful father she had.  I talked about what a wonderful daughter I had.  We cried together.  At times I reached for the tissue box to give to her and at times she would reach for it to give to me. 

Our days spent working together were fun and especially at lunch time when we would go to Sam's Deli, or Watt's Barbecue, In n Out, etc.  We would always have good conversations and we would build up each other's self esteem. 

Yesterday was one difficult day for me due to it was Yvonne's last day at work.  Some of her friends and I went out to lunch with her at Yosemite Falls Cafe.  When it was time for her to leave, I walked her out of the building.  My eyes wanted to release the pressure by letting a millions tears escape but I managed to hold them in until she bid my goodbye.  OMG, what an empty feeling I had in me.  Almost like the feeling I had when Jeannette left me on September 3, 2009.  At least I know Yvonne and I will never loose touch.  She lives right down the street and not too far. 

Jeannette lives in Heaven.  I know I will see her again too one day.  It will be the Happiest day of my life.  

I TALKED ABOUT MY PRECIOUS JEANNETTE

Today was a difficult day for one of very best friends who I work with.  She experienced the wrath of our department CEO.  I never knew that one person has the power to change a person's whole life around.  My friend did not deserve all the things that happened to her.  I tried to intervene by sending a detailed message to the CEO.  It did not work.  I told my friend that things happen for reasons. Only God knows why.  I also told her of the battle Jeannette had with breast cancer.  My friend listened to me as I told her all about my precious daughter's injustice done to her. 

I pray my friend finds piece tonight.  She has a loving family and at least she will have their support.  I will see her tomorrow and pray she feels better. 

JEANNETTE'S COUSINS, DEBBIE AND NITA

Some people never change.  They stay strong and loving no matter what comes their way.  I am referring to Jeannette's cousins, Debbie and Nita.  Years have gone by since I divorced their uncle but they have never stopped loving me.  They grew up hanging out with Jeannette and her sister, Diana.  I love them with all my heart.  I still feel like I am their auntie Gloria.  God Bless them. 

JEANNETTE KNEW WHO REALLY LOVED HER

Saturday morning in Fresno, California.  Hot already.  I have all my fans on in every room of my house.  I am on my way to pick up my grandson, Christian.  He is five years old and lives less than five minutes from my house.  I really enjoy his company.  He makes me laugh so much.  I realized long ago that he is one of my tools I use to cope with the profound grief over the loss of my Jeannette.  Everyday is a struggle for me.

 Other people go on about their lives never looking back and just focusing on their own personal pleasures in life.  I am referring to Jeannette's father.  He has a black heart.  Never, not never calls his own children or grandchildren.  At least to ask how are they doing.  No, no, his main priority is money.  He is going to wake up one day and it might be his last day here on earth.  All alone and surrounded by his money.  What a miserable death it will be. 

 My Jeannette told me towards the end of her life that she knew who really loved her.  It was all the Balderama family.  My beloved mother would call Jeannette on the phone and would tell her how much she loved her.  My dad would pray for Jeannette over the telephone.  My sisters would sing hymns to her over the phone as Jeannette lay in pain in the hospital in Ventura, California.  My whole family loved Jeannette and she knew it.

 On the contrary, her dad and his wife were just there to see what they could scam out of the whole ordeal.  I am still angry after all these years.  No amount of therapy will take away all the anger I have towards Jeannette's husband, father and step mother.  I do know God will deal with them.  I have nothing to do with them.  I do not envy their lavish lifestyles.  I am here for my children and grandchildren.  I am here for my 84 year old father, I am here for my brothers and sisters and numerous relatives.

 I am here for my Jeannette.  My beautiful awesome God fearing daughter who is in Heaven now and free from pain. 

I miss my Nettle Poodle

YES, BABY, YOU STILL LOOK PRETTY

She tried on this wig in front of me and asked me if she was pretty.  I looked at her and said that she was beautiful. She kept primping in the mirror.  I helped her apply some eyebrows on as she applied her lipstick.  My dear Jeannette was too young to get breast cancer.  I believed her at first when she said she would win her battle with cancer.  I knew she was strong and healthy at the time.  Sadly her life came to an end on September 3, 2009.  I have never been the same.  My life goes on.  I work and handle my business as best that I can.  Jeannette is always on my mind.  Right now I am actually going out to dinner and am already dressed but had to stop here on my blog and let people know that she is not forgotten.  Not never.  I miss my Nettle Poodle.