ON MY WAY

On my way to church.  I love this day.  Raining here in Fresno.  So much to do today.

THINKING OF MY FAMILY DURING THIS EASTER

Easter Sunday, March 31, 2013.  A joyful day for our Lord and Savior has Risen. 

Easters long ago were very special times for me.  I had my children and of coarse Sunday mornings on Easter were full of excitement.  The children loved the beautiful Easter baskets sitting on top of the dining room table.  Jeannette was so cute holding her basket all over the house.  Once she got her hands on it she just would not let go. 

On this Easter Sunday, I want to wish my grandchildren especially Loreal, Mathew, Shane and Conner a very happy day.  I want them to know that their mom always made this occasion special for them each and every year she was alive.  Her last year of life and at Easter was memorable only because she was able to be with her children.  Loreal must remember that her mom loved her more than anything in the world.  Mathew, Shane and Conner were the joy of her life.  She would have given anything to be able to have more time with them. 

"Happy Easter to my children, Diana and Daniel.   Also to my 10 grandchildren, Ashlee, Bianca, Christian, Jacob, Nicholas, Melanie, Loreal, Mathew, Shane and Conner.  Also to my dear dad in Corcoran, my brothers Ron, Sam and Ben and sisters, Donna and Brenda and also to my cousin, Rene and to all my friends and family. 

EASTER LONG AGO

It is Saturday here in Fresno.  I am thinking of Jeannette and remembering all the Easters I had the joy of having her.  When she was a little girl I would make sure to make a big Easter Basket for her filled with all the treats she loved.  First and foremost was going to church and then after going to the park.  We went to Kearney Park in Fresno one year when she was a teenager.  Her brother was a DJ so he played music and we all had fun eating and dancing.  Jeannette loved to dance.  She was so pretty and such a good daughter. 

GOD LOVES ME

SO TRUE.  I BELIEVE THIS WITH ALL MY HEART. 

JEANNETTE WOULD BE PROUD OF BIANCA

Bianca is my granddaughter who I adore.  She reminds me of Jeannette.   Just got accepted to Fresno State University.  She is beautiful, smart and has goals in life she is striving to reach.  I told her that her auntie would be so proud of her if she were here. 

 

THOUGHTS OF LONG AGO

Thursday morning here in Fresno, California.  I am half way finished with my daily cleaning here in my house.  I sat down for a rest and thoughts of Jeannette came to me.  Thoughts of long ago when she would call me telling me to get ready early so that we could go out to breakfast.  I imagined hearing her car up the drive way with music blaring.  The sound of her cute voice calling out to me, "Ma, are you ready?"  She was fun to be around with.  Always had something exciting to tell me.  I always looked  forward to being with her.   Enjoying our times together. 

Well, I guess I better get back to cleaning.  I have to hurry because I plan to spend time with Diana.  Jeannette loved her big sister .

A BEAUTIFUL SUNDAY

Sunday here in Fresno, California.  What an amazing day I have had so far.  Got up early and went to the Corner Stone Church located downtown.  It was my first time in that church and I really didn't know what to expect.  I was very impressed with the organization. Everything happened at the right time.  No need to try and find the scripture in the bible because they have massive monitors on both sides of the church where everything in in big bold print.  Big enough that I didn't have to pull out my reading glasses.  The choir was outstanding and honestly, several of the members could win on American Idol.  They have such beautiful voices.  Hearing them and singing along brought tears to my eyes.  It was a joyous friendly place.  Everyone greeted each other.  The pastor was amazing.  He talked about when Jesus came into Jerusalem on a donkey.  The message was loud and clear.  It is better to give than to receive.  I thought about me and how I give to my family all that I have.  I never expect anything in return but when it does happen I appreciate. 

I wish my Jeannette could see her mom smiling and happy in church.  The last time she saw my face I had a very sad look and tears.  Many many tears for my girl. 

THEY ARE TOGETHER IN HEAVEN NOW

She was Jeannette's grandmother.  Her name was Angie.  She moved to Corcoran, California in 1947.  Soon after she met my father, Richard.  They were married in 1951.  My dad presented her with this ring.  A ring that she cherished until the day she died.  The ring was a token of deep affection that my dad had for her. My mother gave her heart to the Lord on August 6, 1976.  She was a loving Pastors wife for the Latin American Assembly of God Church for 10 years and Holy Trinity Ministry for 5 years.  She taught Sunday school for 16 years.  Jeannette loved going to her class on Sundays.  My mother loved children and it was important for her to make sure they knew Jesus and his miracles.  My mother and father attended Fountain of Life for 7 years.  She was also a teacher's aid for Corcoran schools for 16 years. 

Jeannette loved her grandmother with all her heart.  They are both in Heaven now. 

I have my mother's wedding ring that I cherish.  One day not too long ago, I put it in a secret hiding place for safe keeping.  Then, panic struck me.  I could not remember where I hid it.  I tore the whole house apart and then finally, I found it.  OMG, I was so relieved and actually cried from sheer joy.  Now I wear it all the time. 

I miss my mom and my Nettle Poodle.

I MISS THOSE TIMES

What a pleasant surprise that day in 1997.  I received a most welcomed letter from my young beautiful daughter.  I read it over and over.  Kissed the envelope and have cherished it to this very day.  Jeannette was and will always be everything to me.  She and I had an exceptional loving relationship during her formative years.  We shopped till we dropped.  We went to movies, to the park and out to dinner several times.  She had a way of manipulating me.  But of coarse I knew, I let her.  I gave her all I had.  Every single cent went to her.  I loved being her mom.  She was a kind good girl.  Cats were her pride and joy at that time.  She wanted every single stray cat but of coarse I had to say no once in awhile.  She loved talking on the phone with her friends and making plans for the weekends. 

I miss those times.

LOVE THIS

I love this.  I will keep believing!!

I WOULD BE TALKING ON THE PHONE WITH HER RIGHT NOW

Time is flying by so fast.  Almost the end of March, 2013. 

I am here in this town of Fresno, California enjoying my morning.  Drinking my second cup of coffee and it tastes so damn good.  I love Maxwell House coffee.  I always use my favorite cup.  This is silly but to me, it actually taste better when I drink out of it.  Jeannette and I would always drink our coffee together at her home and she also had a favorite mug to use. 

My day will consist of major cleaning of my house today.  Last night I pulled everything out my closet and rearranged the whole dang thing.  Every shoe has it's place, every handbag is sitting pretty on the shelves and all my clothes are now organized.  I bet Jeannette would be proud of me. 

Tomorrow will be a day of fun at the park with my grandson.  He and I will play soccor and have a wholesome lunch that I will make.  He loves running around and I will be walking fast to keep up with him.  That will be my workout plan. 

Jeannette would be laughing with me on the phone right now if I told her every detail of my plans.  She and I loved talking on the phone.  My beautiful daughter is always on my mind. 

SHE WANTED TO MAKE IT A SPECIAL EASTER FOR HER CHILDREN

Friday morning here in Fresno, California.  As I go about my day I often think of Jeannette and wonder what she is up to in Heaven.  I know she is pain free and living in God's Glory. 

Thoughts of long ago.  Exactly three years ago today when she called me to tell me she would be spending her last Easter with her husband, children and her dad in the coastal region of California.  She was excited to tell me that they would be camping out and that her dad had a time share cabin there.  I asked her if she was going because she wanted to or was it because of her children.  She said to me it was for the children.  She wanted to make memories with them.  As it turned out, it was a total disaster.  Apparently, they got into a fight with another vacationer and were told to leave the park by the police.  Since it's a long story, I will not go into detail.   Bottom line is that her dad was extremely upset with Jeannette and did not talk or visit her for weeks.  He really hurt Jeannette.  She told me the truth and told me she everything that happened.  She was protecting her children from a potty mouth man that was harassing them.   It was not Jeannette's fault at all.  She was a victim. All her dad was interested in was the fact that he could loose his time share cabin.  What a JERK OF A FATHER.   After she called me and told me everything that happened, I drove down to be with her.  I made an attempt to make her laugh by telling her that her children will never forget the Easter of 2009.  I bet they never will. 

I just wish she was here so that we could go out shopping and enjoying the party we have set for Easter this year.  The whole family is having an Easter egg hunt at Ashlee's house.  This is the kind of fun I love.  To have the whole family together and enjoying each others company.  One thing for sure, we will all miss our beloved Jeannette.

JEANNETTE'S GRANDPARENTS

Richard and Angie Balderama 

It was the summer of 1947.  She was a big city girl living in Los Angeles.  He was a small town country young man living in Corcoran, California.  Her parents moved the entire family of 9 to Corcoran due to the abundance of work int that small town.   It was "Pick'n Cotton" time in Corcoran.  People from all over California and beyond traveled to the small town of Corcoran because that was considered the farming capital of the world.  Plenty of work to be done. 

It was love at first sight for the sweet young lady from Los Angeles.  It was love at first sight for the handsome young man from Corcoran.  They married and had a big family. 

I am their daughter.  Jeannette is their granddaughter.  Jeannette and my mother live in Heaven now. 
It's just me and my dad hanging out now.  Remembering all the times that my mother and Jeannette were here on this earth. 

NO SEAT BELTS BACK IN TIME

Sunday evening here in Fresno, California. 

I remember long ago.  Years ago.  A point in time when Jeannette was a little toddler.   This was before the seat belt laws came into play.  We owned an orange pinto station wagon with paneling on the sides.  Every Friday at my ex husband's request, we would head out to Corcoran, California and spend the entire weekend with his parents.  The station wagon seats would be put down on late Sunday evenings so that my Jeannette and her brother Daniel and sister Diana would lay down and sleep on the way back home.  They were cozy with their soft blankets and comfy pillows.  We headed down highway 43 and then to the freeway 99.  It took about an hour to arrive home.  When it was time to wake up the children they did not want to get off the car and I really didn't blame them.  I loved them then and now.  Carried each one of them to bed.  Took off their shoes as they sat up with their sleep heads wobbling.  Reached over to the dresser and pulled out their PJ's and put them on.  Then tenderly led them to the bathroom and actually brushed their teeth.  Then back to bed.  Lights out.  My babies were home safe and sound. 

I still can't believe that during all those times I never put a seat belt on them.   Lucky Me. 

TELL THEM, PLEASE TELL THEM

The tears slowly ran down her cheeks.  More tears, much more tears flowing ever so slowly down her cheeks and dropping one by one down her lips.  There was nothing else left.  Her battle with breast cancer had advanced.  The cancer made sure to keep her in constant pain.  A pain worse than any human person can imagine.  Excruciating pain.  Absolutely nothing could stop it.  The tears in her big brown eyes would cloud her vision but nevertheless, she tried to look at me.  She said to me, "Ma, please tell my children that I fought so damn hard to stay alive.  Tell them I went to all my Chemo appointments and radiation treatments.  Tell them I was the most compliant patient in the world.  Tell them I wanted to live to see them, to hold them and be their mommy.  Tell them I am sorry that I lost my battle.  I am sorry that they lost me. 

I wiped the tears with a soft cloth.  The tears kept coming in full force.  She felt so bad leaving her Loreal, Mathew, Shane and Conner.  She cried. 

My beautiful big brown eyed daughter.  How I miss her.........

SHE LEFT POSITIVE IMPACT

She was strong willed, fiercely independent and above all else, was a loving mother to her four children.  She adored them.

Jeannette loved romantic movies, Star Bucks coffee, Baskin Robins ice-cream, homemade oatmeal cereal, tortillas hot off the griddle, laughing as much as she could, screaming at the sight of her sister Diana as they met in Fresno, Visiting her brother and his family, going to Corcoran to see her grandparents, walking barefoot in the sand, going to the beach and running carefree, eating homemade hot sauce and chips, dressing sexy, having a variety of shorts that she seemed to wear all year long, driving in her Green SUV all around town , shopping, oh my God she loved to shop, hanging out with her Lolo, taking the kids to amusements parks, going to Vegas with her BFF, Christina Sandoval, Talking on the phone to her friends like Mona Montelongo, buying latest styles in clothes, sitting on my comfy couch and chit chatting and laughing.    We did alot of laughing during the years.  Jeannette loved her family with all her might. 

Jeannette left a positive impact in all our lives.   

SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL TO THE END

My last conversation with Jeannette was short.  She cried in pain but had asked me to put lipstick on her lips because her children were coming to see her.  The pain medications made her drift in and out of sleep.  Even in her sleep she was in pain.  It was very hot on that August day of 2009 so I got a hand towel and wet it and put it on her face to cool her down.   I did everything that I could do for her.  I cried as I watched her moaning in pain.  Her skin was pale and she had no makeup except the lipstick but she still looked so beautiful. 

I shall always remember that. 

A WONDERFUL MOM

No matter what the occasion is or what I am doing, I always stop and think of Jeannette.  Some days are better than others.  I think of how she cried so much for her children.  She looked after them until she ended up in the hospital. 

During the times that I would be in her home I noticed she would stock up on different cereals.  It wasn't because she was going to eat them.  It was for her children so that they would have a variety to choose from. Every bit of energy she had was used up for her children. 

What an amazing and wonderful mother she was to Loreal, Mathew, Shane and Conner. 
 

SHE LOVED HER CHILDREN WITH ALL HER MIGHT

I found these paintings on Internet and it brought back memories of my Jeannette.  She was an amazing loving mother.  I remember that she loved her children so very much.  Even during her deepest painful days she would somehow manage to gather strength and read to Conner.  He loved all the attention because he was his mommy's baby. 

Jeannette paid special attention to her only daughter.  Loreal was well taken care of.  Jeannette made sure she had everything she needed.  Always bought her the prettiest dresses just like the picture above.  She loved her LoLo. 

1968 AND MY BABY DIANA KNEW

This is a picture of Diana, my oldest with her father back in 1968.  We lived in Tracy, California during the early years of our marriage.  It was  a beautiful Sunday afternoon when we took Diana to the park.  As you can see by her expression, she didn't like the swings at first.  Or it could have been that as a baby she did not feel the love from her father.  He was evasive and had no sense of  a loving attitude towards her.  She relied on me for everything.  Her dad was like a robot.  Just went to work came home, ate and drank beer and then went to sleep. 

Trust me, it got worse as time went on.  To this day, he has no relationship with Diana or her brother or the grandchildren.  It is absolutely disgusting.   

SHE WAS MY BABY

When Jeannette was a teenager she and I were so close.  Everyday we would do something to bring us both fun and laughter.  Never a dull moment with her around.  I remember that I would eves drop on her conversations that she would have on the phone.  I was truly bad.......

I miss my Nettle Poodle.  She was my baby. 

JEANNETTE WOULD AGREE TO THIS VERSE IN THE BIBLE

This could be a message from Jeannette to all her loved ones.  Life is about love.  Love your children and love them with all your might.  Love them unconditionally.  Pay attention to them.  Spend time with them even if just doing silly things together.  Just the other night my grandson, Christian spent the night.  I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie with me or play his video games.  He looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes and said, "Gamma, can you tell me a story."  So, I sat with him on my comfy couch.  I cradled him like a baby and I told him a story I made up as I was going along.  He laughed and when I finished the story he wanted me to tell him another one.  I asked him if he wanted to be my helper in the kitchen while I made dinner.  He was excited and anxious to help.  Not once did he say to me that he wanted me to buy him a new toy or that he wanted to play with his DS games.  All he craved was my attention and that is exactly what I gave him.  We made memories that day.  The next day he announced to me that he needed to go home due to his mommy being lonely for him. 

Life is about Love.

SHE WOULD LOVE THESE COOKIES.

 

If she were here, I would give her these cookies which I know she would enjoy.  I hear here now saying how cute and how did they make them.  We would be sitting down drinking our coffee and enjoying these cookies.  I wish Jeannette was here with me right now.  Missing her so much. 

THANK YOU MIJA, FOR BEING THE MOST LOVABLE PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

1966 and So Young.

LONG AGO IN 1966 THIS YOUNG PREGNANT TEEN WAS IN LOVE WITH THIS MAN. 

 

IF I COULD CLIMB AND FIND HER

If these steps could lead me to my Jeannette, I would not hesitate to start climbing them.  I miss her so much.  At this point in my life I try and stay busy almost all day.  Driving my grandson and granddaughter to school in the early mornings brings me a sense of joy.  Sipping a cup of coffee with my beautiful daughter, Diana makes me relax.  Laughing with my son almost everyday on the phone makes me happy.  Shopping with my Granddaughter Ashlee is like getting my daily exercise.  She walks fast just like her auntie Jeannette did.  Visiting my father, who lives almost 50 miles from Fresno is so comforting.  He talks about the verses in the bible and helps me to cope with my grief.

Family is what keeps me going.  My cousin, Rene comes down  from Tulare, California almost every Saturday just to hang out with me. 

I have 10 grandchildren.  Ashlee is the oldest. She will be 21 on April 6, 2013.  Loreal is 19 and will be 20 in October.  Bianca is 18 and will be 19 in December.  My precious little granddaughter is Melanie.  She will be 4 months old on March 9, 2013.   Big age difference in the girls.  I also have 6 grandsons.  I love  all my grandchildren.  Each and everyone of them is special to me. 

JEANNETTE'S POEM TO ME

My life is and always had been centered around my family.  Family is everything to me. 

Jeannette sent me this  poem long ago that I cherish.


She said, MOM

You've been my strength
the rock on which I stand

I've gained so much wisdom
guided by your gentle hand

The kindness you have shown
in every word and deed,

Has been a blessing in my life
In so many times of need

JEANNETTE LOVED HER GRANDPA

I grew up in the small town of Corcoran, California.  It is in the San Joaquin Valley and in the state of California.  My foundation was built in the town with cotton fields all around.  It is the town where I had my first kiss and probably will have my last, where I know every inch of the town.  I know the families who own the businesses and which dogs live on which streets.  Nothing huge happens in Corcoran and yet I rank my hometown as the most interesting place I know.  I have my dear dad living on Dairy Avenue.  In a house he and mom bought back in the early 70's.  He is now a widower and fortunately, my nephew and niece live there with him.  I am glad he is not alone.  I live in Fresno, which is 50 miles away but if anything should happen, I can be there in less than a half hour. 

Richard Balderama

Every weekend during the formative years of Jeannette's life, we would go to Corcoran.  She was such a joy to all the family.  My mother would take her to church with her and Jeannette would come back home talking non stop about her  time in church.  We would also take her to the local hamburger stand called, "The Jolly Cone."  Sometimes, we would take her to the park and let her run around until she came back to announce to us that she wanted to "Go Home Now."

She loved her Grandpa and Grandma.  During her last days on this earth, she cried out for them.  She wanted prayer.  My dad prayed for her with all his might. 

 

JEANNETTE NEVER MET HER GREAT GRANDMOTHER

There was a similar looking house located on Dairy Avenue in Corcoran, California many many years ago.  It was my grandmother's house.  She lived alone.  Her house was in desperate need of a good paint job and several repairs.  Inside the home lived the most amazing grandmother in the whole world.  Who would know that in this universe there was a most loving grandmother anyone could possibly imagine.  She showered me with so much attention and love.  I cherished every minute spent with her.  I would sit on her comfy sofa with her and we would talk.  Sometimes, I would brush her long hair that she always kept in a bun.  I would make sure to brush it gentle just the way she liked it. She would doze off for a few moments.  It was sheer pleasure to do something for her.

 I had several cousins that loved her too but I was the one that craved her love the most.  My grandmother taught me how to make tortillas at the age of 12.  She was lovable and never lost her temper, no not ever.  Even when my first tortillas came out looking like maps of Texas or California.  She stacked them all up.  All three of them.  She praised me and gave me so many compliments.

 Wow, I am actually crying as I write this about my beloved grandmother. 

Sadly, she died when I was 13 years of age.  It was a sudden death..  I grieved over the loss of my beloved grandmother named Margaret Magallanes.  I made up my mind that I would try and be just like her to my grandchildren. 

As I reflect back on my life now I realize that I laughed the hardest and learned the most in her home.  A home that was like HEAVEN. 

ALL I COULD DO WAS TOUCH HER GRAVE

I wanted to hold her and tell her I loved her but all I could do was touch her grave.  I was emotional beyond belief.  I must have cried a million tears.  I still can't believe she has died.  It is hard for me to cope at times. 

She will never be forgotten.  NO not never.  

1995 was a good year for Jeannette

The year was 1995.  Jeannette was married to Monty.  She was a happy young wife.  I believe with all my heart that if she would have stayed here in Fresno that she would have never died.  Life here for her was stress free and happy. 

MISSING MY JEANNETTE ON THIS FIRST DAY OF MARCH

March 1, 2013.  Another beautiful morning here in Fresno, California.  Another day without my Jeannette to talk to or to hug and tell her I love her.  I cope as best as I can.  I am totally involved with my children and my grandchildren except Jeannette's children who are Loreal, Mathew, Shane and Conner.  I know that someday and somehow they will seek me out and want to know about their mom.  Unfortunately, the last days of my daughter's life were so damn disrespectful at the hands of her husband and my ex husband and his wife.  I shall never forget any of what was done.  I have no respect for them and I know that they will pay for everything they did.  They are living it up now and having their parties, etc. but one day they will have to answer to God.