IN GRANDMA'S BACK YARD

Here we were in her grandmother's back yard.  She wanted to take a picture with me.  I remember how Jeannette always wanted to be with me.  She would follow me everywhere.  I loved being her mommy. 

I NOW KNOW I WAS BEAUTIFUL WITH MY JEANNETTE INSIDE OF ME

It was 1971.  I was visiting my in-laws.  Pregnant with Jeannette.  I never had the wonderful feeling of having my husband dote on me or give me compliments.  I was told I was fat and ugly and I actually believed it.  Now, as I look at this picture I realize I was beautiful and gorgeous.  My mother-in -law and I had the same bad luck.  A loveless marriage.  How sad is that. 

GOD COMFORTS ME

Jeannette went straight to Heaven when she died.  She was an Angel.  Always loved her whole family.   She loved going to the beach.  Wish I could be sitting with her at the beach on those sand sofas and drinking a cool drink with her.  I just know she would have loved to do that with me. 

I know God loved her even in her darkest time of pain.  She suffered but she is in Glory now.  In Heaven.  God has her with him.  I guess I am selfish because I want to have her here with me.  I miss her more each day. 

During the sermon today in church the pastor spoke of Broken People.  He said we are all broken but God loves us and even during our darkest time, even when everyone gives up on you and you feel all alone and lost, God is there because he never ever gives up on you.  God loves all of us.  During my deepest depression and my suffering over the loss of my beloved Jeannette, God has comforted me. 

I Love My Lord and Savior. 

BIANCA WILL GRADUATE SOON

Her name is Bianca.  She is 18 years of age.  Jeannette's niece.  Such a lovely granddaughter.
She grew up in a single parent home.  When she was born I named her and actually thought that by giving her the middle name of Danielle that her grandfather (Daniel) would appreciate the name and be in her life.  That never happened.   He never knew how sick she got as a baby with asthma.  He never stayed up late at Valley Childrens Hospital with her during numerous trips to get her asthma under control.  He never helped her celebrate her birthdays (except for one) or went to her school assemblies when she recieved her awards.  Never went to her games except one time and made a remark that she was "so fat."  Oh, I forgot that his wife said the same thing. 

In all her 18 years Bianca has never known the love of a her grandfather.  Naturally, she made up for it by being close to her great grandfather, (my dad).  

She will be graduating with honors from Fresno High on June 10, 2013 at 8:00 p.m. at the SaveMart Center in Fresno.  We will all be there to celebrate with her. 

One day her grandfather will call or come running to Bianca and to the rest of his family and ask for forgiveness.   I am so sure of that.  

I believe in God.  Only he knows....... 

BEAUTIFUL PICTURE OF MY NETTLE

Thank you to my friend Karla for finding this picture of Jeannette.  She was beautiful and kind and had a heart of Gold. 

Missing her so much.

I TOOK HER TO SEE MICKEY

Disneyland is where she wanted to go.  She loved Mickey Mouse.  I made sure to take this picture of her and Mickey Mouse.  I wish I could go back in time and experience that joyful time again.  She was so pretty and a good little girl.  Back then she loved McDonald's, chocolate milk, marshmallows, cupcakes, pizza and she loved playing with her brother and sister.  I loved being her Mommy.

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

Happy Mother's Day to my Mija

Look at her big beautiful eyes. Jeannette was a living doll.  I loved being her mom.  We were close and hung out together every weekend during her teen years. 

She became a mommy but never had a chance to become a grandmother.  Breast Cancer took her from her family.  It took her from me.  Life is not the same.  Never will be. 

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.  She will not be here for her children.  They can't give her gifts but what they can do is cherish all the memories she left behind. 

Happy Mother's Day to my mija in Heaven. 

SHE WROTE TO THEM

She was dozing off with her favorite kitty cat by her side.  A kitty that followed her all around the house and just want to be next to her.  She loved that kitty but she loved her children with all her might.  Writing to them when she had no strength.  Finding words as she wrote  that would someday comfort them when they thought about her. 

STILL ANGRY

I knew that day on Mother's Day of 2008 something was wrong.  I felt it.  She drove up in her dark green SUV by herself to spend the weekend with me.  I was excited the night before she came.  Making sure her favorite foods, drinks and snacks were stocked up in my pantry.   I so wanted to make her happy.  Jeannette was loving and kind and I knew we would go shopping at some point in time and that she would insist on buying me things.  That's the kind of daughter she was to me. 

As soon as she arrived I noticed the look on her face.  She looked tired and sad.  I asked her what was wrong.  She said she had been sick with the flu for two weeks and then she noticed a lump on her upper right breast.  She went to Kaiser Hospital and the doctor's diagnosis was that she had a pectoral muscle inflammation and advised her to not work out too hard during her exercise.  He gave her some muscle relaxers and pain medication.   The last thing he said to her was that she was too young for a mammogram. 

I wish I could find out who that doctor was.  I would go seek him out and give him some  Balderama  medicine.  Balderamas go right to the point.  No holding back.  Let's just say he would get some major "Putasos".   I wonder if he would sleep well at night knowing he mis diagnosed my beloved daughter. 

I  was angry in 2008 and I am angry in 2013.  I will be angry forever.  I lost my daughter.  She would still be here with me if not for all the mistakes, procedures, plans of care, etc. at the hands of those doctors. 


 

HELLO, CAN I PLEASE SPEAK TO JEANNETTE

If Heaven did have a phone I would be the first to call her.  If it was busy I would keep calling and calling until I got through.  

Missing my Nettle Poodle so much. 

HER FAVORITE DRESS IN 1976

She was a little girl of 5 years.  Loved her Sesame Street dress that she picked out at JC Penny store that year in 1976.
Jeannette loved eating cupcakes, taking walks with me down the street on Emerson Avenue in Fresno.  She always had that smile.  Such a happy little girl. 

As I sit here blogging about her and looking at her picture, tears flow freely down my cheeks.  I wish I could go back in time and be her mommy again.  She loved me so much and I adored her. 

MISSING MY NETTLE

How I wish I could go back in time again and sit right next to her in this picture.  It was the beginning of her battle with breast cancer.  She and I were at the hospital and she was going to have a port put into her chest.  She sat there nervously but put on a smile for me.  How could I get her to listen to me and move back to Fresno and far away from all the stress.  She was determined to win her battle in Los Angeles.  She trusted the doctors and their plan of care.  She trusted her husband that he would totally support her.  She trusted too much.   They all betrayed her. 

Missing her today more than yesterday.  

 

SO BEAUTIFUL, MY JEANNETTE

May 1, 2013 and here in Fresno, California.  Another month starts without my Jeannette.

This picture was taken in 2003.   It was taken with her husband but I cropped the hell out of it and this is the result.  Look at her beautiful eyes, her nose, her whole face.  She was so beautiful. 

I am missing her so much today and especially as "Mothers Day" draws near.