I SALUTE TO YOU, MY BELOVED JEANNETTE

Time is supposed to heal all wounds.  Not mine.  I am here today just like I was four years ago in profound grief over the loss of my beloved Jeannette.  Words can't begin to explain the way I am feeling today knowing that just four years ago on this day she was transferred to the hospice room.  Room 615.  I knew the end was near when they put her there.  My baby died in that room.  I was there when her heart stopped beating.  She died at 3:35 p.m. on Sept. 3, 2009.  Such a painful moment in time. 
 

MISSING MY JEANNETTE

When I look at this picture I feel as though she is still alive and at her doctor appointment.  Her life took a turn for the worst when she finally had the mammogram she had been requesting all along at Kaiser Hospital.  They kept telling her she was too young to have one. 

She is missed so much.  She fought her battle with breast cancer with all her might. In her deepest darkest hours she still wanted to look pretty for her children.  When they came to visit her in the hospital she looked pretty to them.  I had helped her put on lipstick and painted her eyebrows on.  Also, put on some powder under her eyes to try and hide the dark circles.  The children were happy to see her. 

POBRESITA MIJA

Mija estaba con demasiado dolor y en medicinas que nunca podian cuitar el dolor por completo. .Pobresita de mija.  Su gato nunca la dejava.  Siempre con ella donde ella estaba.  El pinche cancer del ceno me la quito de mi vida.  Nunca pero Nunca voy a dejar de pensar en ella.  Mija sufrio mucho no nomas con el cancer pero tambien con su pinche esposo que le sacaba los cuernos con una pelada de el Kinder donde los ninos estaban.  El no le importava nada de mija y se picaba las unias para tener su dinero que mija dejo en su seguarza de vida. 

Pobresita mija, era un bonita joven mujer que siempre era carinosa contodos y especialmente conmigo.  La estranio muchisimo.    Mi querida, "Nettle Poodle". 

KARMA

this is what sits on my bedroom dresser 

It was a nightmare.  I lost Jeannette four years ago on Sept. 3, 2009.  During my deepest hours after she passed I found out my ex husband and his wife were busy gathering all Jeannette's personal belongings.  They were proactive and thoughts of all the money her things would bring made them happy.  After all they did, a bag of left over things was given to my granddaughter.  She in turn, called me and told me she was bringing the small bag to my home.  I cried while opening it up.  A beautiful top that you see in this picture and a black headband that Jeannette wore to keep her wig in place is all that was left.   I cherish these items and will never ever let them go. 

 

KARMA WILL GET THEM IN THE END

SHE HATED LEAVING HER CHILDREN

Wednesday morning, birds are chirping, weather is beautiful in Fresno, California.  As I sit here in front of my PC typing away I am looking at the pictures of Jeannette.  She was so beautiful and charming in every sense.  Her love and compassion was like no other.  My mija died of breast cancer after a long hard battle.  She told me she hated leaving her children.  It hurt her to know she would not be there for them as they grew up.  

SAD MEMORY

They say time heals all wounds.  Not for me.  I can still hear my Jeannette crying out in pain.  It's almost 4 years to the day she died.  I was totally grief stricken and at loss on how to deal with my grief.  All I wanted was to be left alone.  I stayed in bed for days and didn't want to wake up.  My deepest darkest hours were so painful.  I lost my beloved Jeannette.   Keeping up with this blog gives me strength to carry on with my life. 

JEANNETTE WAS FULL OF LOVE

At one point in time in September of 2009 and  as I sat alone in my bedroom in deep profound grief while looking at her pictures I had strewn all over the blankets I could not breathe.  It was to a point of just wanting to die.  I wanted to join her and see her again.  Now, almost four years later I cope just by writing about her.  If I had to describe her in one word I would say, "LOVE".  She loved her children, her family and her country.  Above all else, she loved God.  I know she is happy in Heaven.

"SSH MA, DON'T CRY"........

She came to me in a dream last night.  She stood at the foot of my bed and said, "Ssh, Ma, do not cry for me."  Then she told me how happy she was in Heaven.  I cried as I looked at her in my dream.  I got off the bed to hug her but before I could reach her she was in my living room.  Then I followed her to the kitchen and watched her eat a twinkie.  She loved them so when she was alive.  I didn't say a word to her and just wanted to cherish every second she was here.  She looked so beautiful and walked so straight not like when she was battling breast cancer.  Her body was whole.  She picked up the picture of me and kissed it.  Then she just started slowly ascending.  I cried and fell to my knees telling her how much I missed her and loved her.  Before I knew it, she was gone. 

It was an unbelievable dream.  It took almost two years to dream of her again. 

I am so happy today.

I went to my kitchen and realized I don't even have twinkies here. 

SUNDAY, NOTHING BUT THOUGHTS OF JEANNETTE GOING ON HERE.

Sunday afternoon here in Fresno, California.  Nothing but the sound of my Mexican music blaring on my radio.  Time is passing by so fast.    Forgot to eat breakfast and Lunch.  Not hungry.  Already finished doing my daily chores and now sitting here drinking my coffee and on this PC. 

I know I have said this before on my blog but can't stop the feeling to say it again.  I miss my Jeannette.  If Jeannette were here with me in Fresno, she and I would be out enjoying the day.  She always had something exciting to do. Never a dull moment with her.  We would be laughing all day.  I had so much to say to her but she always had a thousand things going on in her life.  Jeannette cared so much about people.  I remember after we had passed by some homeless people living in bushes she told me she wanted to buy some apples for them.  Jeannette had a heart of gold. 

I pray her children never forget what an amazing mommy they had. 

ALL I WANTED WAS BRENDA

At the young age of 11 years, I was praying with all my might that my mom would bring me a baby sister from the hospital.  I wanted a sister so dang bad.  Having five brothers  was challenging at times due to all the pranks they used on me.  I was out numbered. 

My mother sat with me on the couch one day before she went into labor and asked me to name the baby.  I had no name picked for a boy but for sure I said to my mom, "Brenda, please Brenda, o.kkkkk."  She agreed and I was happy.  I loved the name Brenda because a girl in my 5th grade class at school was named Brenda and she was very pretty. 

All these years have gone by.  We are both grandmothers now.  Time caught up to us.  One thing for sure we both do not look our age.  Look at this pic of her.  Absolutely beautiful. 

Brenda has and will continue to be a very important member of our family.  She is funny and can make you laugh in just  a few minutes of meeting her.  Her personality is like no other.  At times she had made me cry laughing.  

This life we hold on earth can be taken away in a split second.  If and when I join my Jeannette and mommy in Heaven, I will be content to know I had my wish come true.  My baby sis.  I love her so much and pray she is happy and if she isn't then may God guide her to true happiness. 

Brenda , my amazing and loving sister will always have a special place in my heart.  After all, she made my day when she arrived wrapped in a pink baby blanket and was handed over to me to hold. 

 

SHE CHOSE TO SERVE OUR COUNTRY

She was a bright and effervescent youngster destined for a fairytale life.  After all, she was a princess to many.  But in a horrible twist of fate, Jeannette, at the age of 36 was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Her fairytale would end abruptly--- but not before she had a chance to leave an indelible mark on those whose lives she touched. 

Jeannette believed in everybody, and she always believed she could change your life.  I have always said that everyone who met her was changed by her.

Jeannette grew up without her father by her side even though he lived in same town.  She had me and her brother and her sister for support.  She lived in a home full of love for the princess.  In middle school, she was always winning, not just awards, but admiration of her teachers for her determination and positive spirit.

There was something about her smile, when she'd look at you with those big brown beautiful eyes-she had that smile that just warmed your heart.

She was just such a warm, loving, caring and giving young woman.  I think that is why she chose to serve our country.  I am so proud of my mija. 

Missing her more each day. 
 

"Ma, please keep me in your heart forever."

Look at her.  She is so beautiful.  I miss her so much.  Jeannette was everything to me.  She made our lives so much richer just by having her here on earth. 

Almost 4 years ago during the month of August I was in her home witnessing all the painful hours she endured.  No pain medicine could take away the pain.  She told me that if she died to please always keep her in my heart.  I cried when she told me.  I said to her that she was not going to die.  I have a feeling she knew it was a short time before she went to Heaven and that is why she told me that. 

 

August 2013 and the start of another month without my Jeannette.

Another new month without my Jeannette.  I miss her so very much.  Thanks to God for my granddaughter, Ashlee who invited me out of my house and into a spa for the day.  I relaxed and had fun with her.  She knew what could get me out of feeling sad and lonely today.  She reminds me of Jeannette in so many ways.