COMPLICATED GRIEF

For most people, mourning, no matter how intense, follows a similar, variable course.  The grieving is all-consuming at first.  Then, slowly, people begin to move on.

But sometimes, for reasons, the grief lingers, even intensifies.  Until recently, unresolved mourning had no name or formal psychiatric diagnosis; it was often simply considered depression. Now, mental health professionals identify it as a condition: complicated grief.

I couldn't see any way going on without Jeannette.  Years after her death, I still spent days on end in my home crying.  I turned down invitations and my friends and family felt confused and frustrated that I didn't move even after four years of Jeannette's death.

Time has helped me to cope and now I feel like I can think of her and remember the joy of life with her. That alone has given me my life back. 

My life will never be the same again.  I have lost an amazing beautiful child. 

We all Went to Meet "Angelina"

We all went to Corcoran today to meet our precious new addition to our family.  Angelina is her name.  My niece gave birth to her last week.  When I held her in my arms I instantly thought of Jeannette as a baby.  She was also pink and so adorable just like Angelina.  I am proud of my niece, Tori for being a good loving mother to her.  I admired the way she took tender loving care of her. 

The day was so sweet.  Thanks to God. 

DRINKING MY COFFEE AND THINKING OF HER

Today is one of those mornings that I wake up thinking about everything I have been through after losing Jeannette.  Sitting here drinking my second cup of coffee and asking myself when am I going to feel happy again.  I miss my Jeannette more and more each day.  She lives in my heart. 

A MOTHER'S LOVE

I shall love her forever and ever.  I love all my children and grandchildren. 6 of them know the feeling of my warm embrace and loving hugs on a daily bases.  Unfortunately, the other four do not.  I keep them in prayer.  They are Jeannette's children.  All they know is life in Los Angeles.  They are far away from me but they remain in my heart. 

ME AND MY DADDY

The year was 1979:  It was Easter and we were in Visalia, California,  at a park.  My daddy was so young back then and at the time, I thought he was old.  Well, that was a long time ago.  Jeannette was 8 years old and must have been out chasing her brother or playing with a ball during the time we took this picture.  Thanks to God, I still have my daddy.  My Jeannette has left this earth but not my heart.  NEVER!!

SHE WOULD HAVE PACKED HER BAGS AND HEADED TO ME

Saturday morning here in Fresno, California.  Fresh air, good thoughts and great coffee before me.  I am comfortable in my chair as I write on this post.  The picture of Jeannette smiling is right in front of me as I type.  Everyday I think of her and how it could have been for her now if the breast cancer would not have taken her from me.  Jeannette was fiercely independent and I know she would have left Thousand Oaks, California in search of a more calm and better life here in Fresno and close to me and her sister and brother.  Right now I imagine being out shopping with her after a morning breakfast.  She and I would have so much fun together. 

 

"JUST ONE PONYTAIL MOMMY."

This picture really reminds me of Jeannette.  She was so darn cute with those amazing big brown eyes and jet black hair.  I would take her to day care early in the mornings.  She loved school so much and her teachers.  Every morning she picked out her clothes and one morning in particular, she asked me to do a pony tail hairdo.  I did and then she looked in the mirror and said, "No, ma, just one on the top."  So I did.  She was adorable and cute and everything a mother wants her little girl to be.  She was fiercely independent and wanted things her way most of the time.  She was my youngest child and I thought of her as my princess.  Still do.  She will always be my princess. 

SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL LIKE A FLOWER

She was like these beautiful flowers.  Such amazing beauty.  Time has slowly helped me to cope with the loss of my beloved Jeannette. Life without her is at times so sad that I get extremely emotional.  This month of October brought the yearly Fresno Fair to Fresno, California.  It is a time of joy and laughter with family and friends.  For me, it brings back fun memories of my Jeannette.  We had so much fun together at the fair in 2008.  We both bought each other cute earrings.  We ate cinnamon rolls and drank coffee as we walked into the exhibits and galleries.  We took snapshots in a photo booth.  I held her hand off and on as she walked and almost lost her balance.  We rested a bit and then went to the horse races.  The look on her face  was priceless.  A great big smile as she took a closer look at the horse she had made a bet on.  I shall have those memories with me forever. 

Missing my Nettle.

THE DAYS IN 1964

 

The morning begun as usual.  Mexican music blaring in the small cozy kitchen as my mother made breakfast for all her seven children.  It was cold that chilly morning so I made sure to wear my new coat that my auntie Tia Lala had given me for Christmas.  It was black with a fur collar.  I loved that coat.  My brothers sat at the kitchen table with me as my mother poured hot yummy oatmeal in big bowls.  It was Manuel, Benny, Ronald, Sammy and I.  My little sisters were Brenda and Donna.  They were toddlers.

As I walked almost two miles to school on that morning I thought about my future.  Would my life turn into a fairytale. I sure hoped so. 

That was way back in 1964.  Now, as I look back at time in my life I realize that those were some of the best times.  I miss  those days that were filled with love and hugs.  I miss my brother Manuel who would walk me to school. My brother Benny who made me laugh all the time.  Ronald always asking me for some of my cupcake. Sammy, who loved sitting on my lap as I read him stories from his favorite books.  Brenda, who would get into my personal things and make me mad.  Donna, who would be hungry 24/7 and always crying about something.  My mom who I loved watching as she put on her makeup.  Her eyes were hazel and so beautiful. Observing my dad as he was all into his "Giants" baseball game. It was funny to me seeing him yell out at the umpire when he called a strike on Willie Mays or Willie McCovey. 

Our family was happy together.  We had uncles and aunties and cousins in town who would always visit each other. 

Those days are gone but memories will never leave me. 

It was before I ran off to get married.  It was before I had my three beautiful children.  It was before I lost my Jeannette. 

JEANNETTE WAS THE CENTER OF ATTENTION ESPECIALLY IN THE MORNINGS IN 1971

This picture brings back memories.  A memory that took place in 1971.  We were living in Fresno on a street called Normal.  Our lives were far from normal at the time.  Every morning I made Jeannette some oatmeal and fed it to her as Diana stood by anxiously waiting for me to let her feed her baby sister.  The house we lived in was cozy and I had made it into a loving home for my children.  Everything changed when my husband, the father of my children, would arrive home from work.  He was always in a bad mood and yelling at all of us.  I really do not remember one single day that he would walk in from work and give me a hug and kiss the children.  No, not never.   I wonder if he ever regrets being that kind of husband and father. 

People change within time for the better.  Some never do.  They either stay the same or worse. 

I am glad I have my family and I love them with all my heart.  They mean more to me than anything in this world.  I know one day I will see my Jeannette again. 

DON'T WANT TO GET ANGRY TODAY

Breast Cancer awareness month is important to me.  I hope a cure is found within my life time.  I pray that no more mothers are grieving over the loss of their daughters. 

Jeannette died in room 615 at Community Memorial Hospital located in Ventura, California on Sept. 3, 2009.  That difficult day will never be forgotten.  The decision to transfer her into room 615 had been made by the hospice nurse.  The room was decorated and accommodations had been made in advance for family to spend the night.  A grey couch leaned against the window with a smaller chair located next to the hospital bed.  Another room connected had a fridge, couches, coffee table and a big screen television.  I chose to sit on the chair next to my Jeannette.  A chair that unfolded and became my small bed at night.  The husband and her father and his wife stayed off and away into the other room enjoying a game of baseball , etc.  My dear Jeannette,  her heart beating faster and faster as each minute went by. 

Jeannette is gone now.  I am here thinking of her each and everyday.  When I write about her and get to the most disgusting parts in her life that are unforgiven, I have to stop in the middle of the writing and let go.   It is best for me.  Don't want to get angry today.

SHE IS IN MY HEART

I have Jeannette in my heart forever and ever. 

HEADING OUT TO HIS SCHOOL

Sometimes a person has to make the best out of a difficult situation.  My life has never been the same since 2008.  It was early May of that year that I received the phone call from Jeannette.  She was crying on the phone and telling me that she had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  She went on to say it was invasive breast cancer, the worst type to have.  "Malignant" is the worst word in the dictionary. 

It has been over four years now that my beloved Jeannette died.  Today, I am heading out the door to visit my grandson's school.  Life goes on and I try to cope as best as I can.  Having my family close by and in touch keeps me grounded. 

DREAMING OF HER

It was late at night on a cold winter night.  She was dozing off in her comfortable bed when she heard the doorbell.  Feeling somewhat frightened and nervous she picked up a baseball bat that she had leaning against her bedroom wall that she used for protection.  Living alone does have it's drawbacks and a single woman has to be prepared for the unexpected. 

She slowly walked carrying her bat at full swing to her front door.  The doorbell had only rung once and so she thought to herself that maybe she was dreaming and that just maybe nobody was there.  Her door didn't have a peephole so she gathered her composure and said, "Who's there." Nobody replied.  As she was walking back to her comfy bed and back to sleep the doorbell rang again.  This time she went right up to the front door and opened it.

Standing there dressed in a pretty pink gown and barefoot was her daughter, Jeannette.  She said, "Ma, I have been wanting to see you for such a long time."  Her lips were painted in a lighter shade of pink.  Her eyes were big, brown with long eyelashes and a light shade of brown on her eyelids.  Her eyebrows were thick and shaped at an angle that complimented her face.  She had a necklace shaped in a heart that was embellished with diamonds.  Her hair was so thick and full and so black with long bangs gently hitting her forehead.  She hugged her mother so tight as she said to her, "Ma, I came to tell you I am not in pain anymore and I am with my lord and savior."  "And Ma, please know that I know you fought for me during my ordeal in the hospital."

After she kissed and hugged her mom, she walked through the door and up into Heaven. 

Her mother stood there crying tears of joy at what she had just experienced.  She knew nobody would believe what happened.  She was o.k. with that.  As long as she believed it was what really mattered. 

Dreaming about Jeannette is better than  anything in the world.

REMINDS ME OF THE WAY SHE WAS

"Keep Up the Fight, Ma."

She looked up at me at one point in time during her battle with breast cancer and asked me to never stop the awareness.  Keep up the fight .  This horrible breast cancer took my beloved Jeannette from me.  I shall never forget her.  She was amazingly beautiful inside and out.