2014 and she is not here

2013 and on to 2014. New year, new resolutions.

I miss my Jeannette so much.  My life has never been the same since she died on September 3, 2009.


I will never leave you
nor forsake you.
Hebrews 13:5

God is with me.  He comforts me.  The loss of my daughter has pierced my heart. 


To all that read my blog,  "Happy New Year."

2014 will be my year.  I feel it.

SUNDAY NIGHT

Sunday evening here in Fresno, California.  As I sit here  writing new posts on my blog I look up at my desk and see her.  She is in a 10 inch frame of silver.  Wearing her favorite pink colors and smiling at me.  I  feel like crying but I don't because it will stop me from writing about her and how precious she was to me.  They say time heals all wounds but these wounds will never heal for me.  Jeannette died in such an awful way and it was not fair.  My baby was in pain and nobody could take it away.  I feel guilty at times just because I could not help her. 

The highest pinnacle of the spiritual life is not happy joy in unbroken sunshine, but absolute and undoubting trust in the love of God.

He cares, I know He cares,  His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares!

 

JEANNETTE WAS A BLESSING

From the beginning to end, all of life is a continuous gift giving by God.  We deserve nothing.  He owes us nothing.  Yet He gives us everything.  If we remember this, we need not feel selfish or guilty.  Whatever material blessings we have are a gift from our gracious God.

God, who has given so much to us, gives one more thing- a grateful heart.

My Savior hears me when I pray,
Upon his Word I calmly rest:
In His own time, in His own way,
I know He'll give me what is best.

My precious gift from God was Jeannette.  She was my baby, my teen, my young mother of four and such a blessing to all of us.  Missing her so very much. 

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE MY JEANNETTE

Friday night here in Fresno, California..  Thinking of Jeannette and remembering how many millions of times I told her I loved her.  She took that to Heaven. 

Jeannette was so missed at our home Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  I know she would have loved eating the tamales, hot chocolate, coffee, cakes, pies and cookies we all enjoyed.  She was the center of attention during all our holidays as she possessed the absolute precious heart that she gave to all of us.  Her compassion, her sweetness, her amazing ways of making us laugh and feel good about ourselves.  Her nieces took her advice and are both in college.  They say that independence and in control of their future is what she taught them among various other things. 

She is their Guardian Angel

Everything in this world eventually comes to an end, which at times can be disheartening.  It's the feeling you get when you read a book that's so good you don't want it to end.  Or when you watch a movie that you wish would go on a little while longer.

But all things- good and bad-do come to "The End."  In fact, life ultimately does come to the end-sometimes sooner than we expect, as is the case of my beloved Jeannette passing away at such a young age.  All of us who have stood by the casket of a loved one know the painful emptiness of a heart that wishes it wasn't over yet.

Thankfully, Jesus steps into the fray of terminal disappointments, and, through His death and resurrection, He interjects hope for us. 

Jeannette is her children's Guardian Angel and I imagine her peeking into the window looking at her children just like in the picture. 

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

CONTENTMENT IS NOT GETTING WHAT WE WANT BUT BEING SATISFIED WITH WHAT WE HAVE

After decorating my home for Christmas, I met a good friend for lunch.

As I stepped into the restaurant parking lot after lunch, I saw a pickup truck speeding through the parked vehicles.  While observing the driver's reckless behavior, I noticed the words on the truck's front license plate.  It read, "Almost Content."  After thinking about that message and the sentiment it tried to communicate, I concluded that the concept "almost content" doesn't exist.  Either we are content or we are not.

Admittedly, contentment is a tough needle to thread.  We live in a world that feeds our desire for more and more-until we find it almost impossible to be content with anything. 

The only remedy for hearts that "want it all" is the contentment found in the presence of the living God.  He is sufficient for our needs and longings, and He alone can bring us the peace and contentment we'll never find in the pursuits of this life.

Missing Jeannette but content that one day I will see her again.

Be content with such
things as you have.
For He Himself has said, "I will never
leave you nor forsake you." - Hebrews 13:5

Galationas 3:26-4:7

Reflecting back on this year of 2013 I came to the conclusion that most of my year was good.  Only thing missing is Jeannette. 

God's timing is perfect in everything.  While I am waiting, perhaps wondering why God doesn't seem to be acting on my  behalf, I  remember that He's working behind the scenes to prepare.  His moment of intervention at just the right time.  I Trust Him.  He knows what time it is.

Teach us, O Lord, the disciplines of patience for to wait is often harder than to work.

I pray 2014 will be full of great things in my life.

IN TIMES OF FEAR, CALL OUT TO JESUS, OUR FEARLESS CHAMPION

Falling asleep was a challenging event during my childhood.  no sooner had my parents turned out the lights than the crumpled clothes I had thrown on the chair would take on the form of a fiery dragon and the thoughts of something living under my bed put me into a panic that made sleep impossible.

 

I've come to realize that the immobilizing power of fear is not just a childhood experience.  Fear keeps us from forgiving, taking a stand at the office, giving our resources to God's kingdom, or saying no when all our friends are saying yes.  Left to ourselves, we are up against a lot of fiery dragons in our lives.

 

In the story of the disciples in the storm-tossed boat, I'm struck by the fact that the only one who was not afraid was Jesus.  He was not afraid of the storm, nor was He afraid of the crazy man in the graveyard or of the legion of demons that possessed him (Matt.8:23-345)

 

I can now say that I have overcome my fears because I rely on Jesus, our fearless Champion.

I AM IMPORTANT

During the most difficult time in my life I felt like I didn't matter and just coiled up in my bed and cried for days.  It was 2009 and I had lost my beloved Jeannette. 

This blog is my therapy

I matter now

SHE LOVED THOSE KITTIES

It was one of those days back when I was working at a school in Fresno called Tielman Forward Bound Academy.  All the collaboratives at the school were having the weekly meeting.  At the end of the meeting the facilitator of the meeting, Mr. Johnson went around the table asking each one of us if we had anything to say.  One Probation officer chuckled as it was his turn to speak.  He said there was nothing new to report except that he was trying to get rid of 4 kittens at his home.  He went on to say that he had already given 3 away but could not find anyone to take the other 4 kittens and that if anyone at the meeting knew of anyone that might be interested to just give him a call.  The meeting adjourned and as I was walking back to my office I thought about Jeannette. 

During that time in her life she lived on a street called El Paso in Fresno.  She was married and had Loreal, Mathew and Shane at the time.  She was a busy mom and always on the go either picking up the children from school or taking them to sports activities, etc.  I happened to catch her that day when I called her doing laundry.  I told her about the kittens and asked her if she knew anyone that would take them.  She said she would get back to me later and so we hung up.

Around two hours later I received a call from security at the school gate that a young lady was asking for me.  I walked over to the gate and it was Jeannette.  She came by to see if I would go to lunch with her.  I hopped into her SUV and off we went to a Mexican restaurant close by.  She told me she wanted all three kittens.  I told her it was 4 kittens not three.  She said, "o.k. mom, I'll take all four of them."  I called the Probation officer to tell him.  He must have been desperate because no sooner had we come back from lunch, his wife drove up behind us with the four kittens. 

I remember how excited Jeannette was holding each kitten and rubbing them against her cheeks.  She was so excited that day.  On her way home she called me to tell me all the names she had picked out for them.

Sad to say, all four kittens died less than a month later. They all

 caught the feline disease and there was nothing Jeannette could do.  She cried and said to me, "Ma, I miss my kitties but I am just grateful I had them, even for a short while."

That is exactly how I feel now in 2013.  I am grateful having Jeannette even for a short while.  I miss her so much.

 

SO GRATEFUL

I AM GRATEFUL FOR SO MANY THINGS.

I THINK OF JEANNETTE AND I AM GRATEFUL TO HAVE HAD HER AS MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIANCA

She is 19 years of age today.  A smart, loving and so sweet granddaughter.  She told me today she wished that her auntie was here to help celebrate her birthday. 

A MESSAGE TO A CERTAIN PERSON

This message is directed at a person in Fresno.  He knows who he is.  I know he reads my blog everyday. 

Wake up and head out of the darkness.  Before it's too late. 

MISSING HER

I miss Jeannette more than anything in this world.  Memories are all I have left of her but there are so many many of them.  I use this blog for therapy.  Sometimes you will notice I skip several days before I enter a new post and that is because my life is full and I have wonderful family and friends that help me by either taking me places or visiting or just hanging out.  Sometimes I babysit my beautiful granddaughter or grandsons and sometimes I spend the day taking long walks.  The weather was cold this morning but I still went out for a brisk walk around the area where I live. 

I wish Jeannette was here to walk with me.  I imagine walking and laughing with her. 

 

A PLEASANT SURPRISE TONIGHT

I arrived home a few minutes ago and as I was about to put my coat back into the closet a small box fell from the top shelf.  I opened it and inside was a card from Jeannette. 

The card was sent to me back on Mother's Day of 2008 and the day I received it was the same day she came to visit me alone from her home in Thousand Oaks, Ca. 

She is my angel in Heaven and I believe with all my heart she wanted me to read the card again.

Missing her everyday.

A PIECE OF MY HEART

 

SHE GAVE ME THE BEST HUG

A new month and the last one of the year 2013.  Jeannette left us in 2009.  It has been a difficult 4 years for me.  There have been some good times but even then I still think of Jeannette and how she could have been here with me enjoying them if it wasn't for breast cancer taking over her entire body. 

 

As I sit here in front of my PC typing away I have memories of Jeannette visiting me long ago when I worked at a school in Fresno.  She came by unexpectedly. The security man at the front gate of the school called and said a young lady was at the gate asking for me.  I thought for a moment that it was my granddaughter but when I walked outside of my office and down the path to the front gate I noticed a hunter green SUV parked at the gate.  I recognized it as Jeannette's and so I waved to her as I was getting closer to her.  She and I hugged each other and the best memory of that encounter was the fact that after I had finished hugging her she pulled me in closer and re-hugged me again.  That alone has got to be the best feeling in the world.