FREE AT LAST

Tuesday morning here in Fresno, California.  Just finished my daily chores and now sitting here writing this page on the blog while drinking my coffee.  There is nobody here to tell me to get off of it or to tell me that I am ugly and that nobody wants me.  There is nobody in my life now that can manipulate me and as much as they should try, they will never succeed.  Nobody controls me, humiliates me, degrades me and my family or curses at me.  It took years of abuse before I put a stop to it.  During those years, I didn't know it was abuse.  I thought if he didn't hit me hard then it was o.k..  I was told I was not pretty and when I look back at the pictures of me during those years I see that I was beautiful.  I was told my cooking was awful and disgusting.  Nobody tells me that today.  They all love my cooking especially my homemade tortillas and salsa.  I was blamed for anything and everything.  Nobody does that to me now. 


It took years of abuse but I am glad to say that right now and on this day I feel free.  Free at last. Free from all the pain. 


Now I have a life. 


Sad to say, my Jeannette witnessed it all.  Maybe that is why she also thought it was normal to be abused.  Pobresita mija

ON THIS MEMORIAL DAY OF 2014

On this Memorial Day of 2014:


Jeannette was proud to serve our country.   Thank you to my beloved daughter.  You are missed everyday. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.


You left behind four children that you cherished.  It was hard for you to let go and leave them.  I know how much you cried at the thought of leaving them during your battle with breast cancer. 


I could fill an ocean with all the tears I have shed since your death on September 3, 2009.




 You left this world but your spirit lives on. 

COFFEE IN MORNING

"Ma, do you want a cup of coffee?"  was the very first thing she said as she opened the door of her beautiful home located in Thousand Oaks, California.  Just to be able to arrive at her home from Fresno, California was a big thing to me.  I was absolutely nervous driving thru the grapevine and weaving around all the winding roads with so many cars going faster than the speed limit.  I naturally said yes to her.  I needed that cup.  A strong one at that. 


My world as I knew it had suddenly taken a turn for the worse with the news that my youngest daughter had breast cancer.  I was a wreck.  Crying all the time and feeling depressed and not knowing what to do or whom to turn to.  My daughter, who lived so far away from me was slowly leaving me.  She had invasive breast cancer at last stage.  I wanted to quit my job and be by her side helping her in anyway I could.


Jeannette's main focus in life at the time was her children.  She wanted them to remember her so she went on a journey of making memories with them.  She hardly rested and was always up either driving her children to school or taking them to dental appointments, etc.  I could not get  through to her.  She insisted.  I have never known a mother like her.  She was a warrior.  Battling cancer, taking care of her home and especially her children.


I remember one night during my stay at her house, she asked me to sleep with her.  She wanted me to hold her like when she was a little girl.  I held back tears as she nestled herself  gently in my arms.  I prayed To God to please cure her of cancer.  She loved having me so close to her and fell asleep for  a couple of hours.  She woke up to extreme pain.  We both cried together.  Before long it was morning again.  I got up to make her oatmeal(bena) and coffee. 


She loved her coffee.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

Jeannette was pregnant with her first baby.  She called me early morning while I was working and told me to go to St. Agnes hospital because she was being admitted and wanted me there.  During her nine months of her pregnancy she put in a lot of time making sure the crib was set up and everything she needed was in place. 


When the time came and she gave birth to Loreal, she cried tears of joy.  It was love at first sight for her.  She loved her baby and immediately called her LoLo.  The most adorable baby in the nursery. 


She was an awesome lovable mommy to her LoLo.

MEMORIES OF HER AS A BABY

Jeannette was born in 1971 on a cold November day.  I have great memories of her as a baby.  Just wish I could go back in time and hold her again.  Babies don't last long and before you know it, they are toddlers and then begin school and before long are away from home either in college or military, etc.  Time goes by so fast.  It has been almost 5 years since my beloved Jeannette passed away.  The love I have for her shall never leave me.




A beautiful morning in Fresno, California.  Wish I could be here holding Jeannette and showering her with love. 

MARY'S LITTLE LAMB DAYCARE WAS THE BEST

It's Saturday morning here in Fresno, California.  A beautiful morning indeed.  The two birds that I fed a week ago are perched up on my fence along with about 15 others waiting on me to throw out some food.  Birds are smart.  They know when there is a good thing going on.  People are so different.  Sometimes it takes years to realize what a good thing they had.  Time has a way of bringing everything into perspective.  Sometimes I wish I would have never worked and just have been a stay at home mom to my children.  Jeannette, Daniel and Diana would have never had to experience the incompetent babysitters that were hired.  One sitter actually kept Daniel outside all day in the hot sun.  I was at work thinking they were being well taken care of and indoors and out of the hot weather.  When I arrived home from work I found Daniel crying outside.  His face was red and had sunburn marks on his shoulders.  He said that the babysitter was inside with her boyfriend.  I immediately fired her and told her she would not be getting paid.  Then and there I called "Mary's Little Lamb nursery school and enrolled all three.  I didn't hear their father yelling at me about the cost.  I chose to ignore it.  I am happy to know Jeannette had a great time there.  She was the teacher's favorite.  When I went to pick them up after work they hesitated leaving due to so much fun.  I am proud to say I stuck to my guns and kept them there.  The place is still open after all these years. 

HER LAST MOTHERS DAY......2009

Mothers Day week of 2009:


She woke up to the knock on her door.  It was the "wound nurse" coming to help with cleaning and changing her bandage on her wound.  She had forgotten all about the nurse coming over due to heavy medication she was on and lack of sleep.  She opened the door and in stepped the nurse.  She was kind and gentle with Jeannette.  It was much appreciated and after she left Jeannette sat on her recliner to try and rest a bit.  Her dog and two cute cats followed her to the recliner and each made themselves comfy sitting next to her or resting their heads next to Jeannette's feet. 


Jeannette woke up a few minutes later and called me.  She told me, "Ma, please understand that I can't go to Fresno to see you for Mothers Day due to Pat and the kids are probably going to surprise me."  "Ma, I really feel like it will be my last Mothers Day on earth and so I think that they will make it special for me."  I understood and told her I loved her and to try and rest and not worry about me. 


On Mothers Day morning Jeannette called me and wished me a Happy Mothers Day.  She had sent me flowers and wanted to know if they had arrived and if I liked them.  I told her yes and that they were beautiful flowers and thanked her. 


After she hung up with me she waited in bed to see what her husband Pat and her four children had in store for the day.  She waited and waited.  Finally, she asked Pat what was going on for Mothers Day.  He told her that he was heading to his mom's house to show his mom how much he loved her and appreciated her.  Then he abruptly left the house.  Jeannette was in shock.  How could this happen.  Why did it happen.  She cried a million tears and when she was done crying she began to cry some more.  When she finally got ahold of her emotions, she called me and told me what happened.  I was so angry and wanted to go that instant and be with her.  My Jeannette went through so much during her battle with cancer.  Not only fighting cancer but suffering at the hands of the person she thought loved her and would do anything for her.  She was wrong.  She didn't deserve that.


I am sitting here crying just thinking about her last Mothers Day.  She died four months later.  I just wish she could have moved to Fresno and be with me.  I loved her with all my heart and will never, not never, stop. 

ONLY GOD KNOWS

 I wonder how some people can live with themselves knowing they have done so many bad evil things for the most part of their entire lives.  I also wonder how they still live on.  I ask myself why good people die and why the bad still exist.  My mother used to tell me that God will deal with the bad people.  I just wish God would hurry up and deal with some that I know. 


I LOVE MY FAMILY UNCONDITIONALLY.


MISSING MY JEANNETTE EVERYDAY, EVERY MINUTE, EVERY SECOND

Cinco De Mayo without my precious Jeannette.

Since it's Cinco De Mayo and had free tickets to the Tigeres Del Norte concert in Coarsegold, California, which is only 40 miles from Fresno, I decided to attend.  I did hesitate for a quick minute thinking that there would be too much traffic and far too many people attending but then I just made up my mind to go.  Julietta, my dear friend went with me.  We had reserved seating and up front and close to the stage.  It was the most memorable night of my life.   I really don't have much of a voice since most of the night I spent screaming at the top of my lungs.




 The night was fun but my heart still ached for my precious Jeannette.  I know for a fact that if she was with me she would have been shouting for joy and having a good time with me. 


I miss her Day and Night.  Forever.

MIJA IS MISSED SO MUCH

Well, my PC was on the blink again.  Maybe it's time for me to purchase a newer model.




 It is already May 3, 2014.  Another month began without my precious daughter.  I think of her day and night.  Can't believe she is not here sharing all the fun activities with our family especially during this Cinco De Mayo celebrations.  She would be right in the middle of all the planning if she were here.  Jeannette loved being a party planner and was very good at it.


Wish I could wake up tomorrow and all this was a bad dream about her dying of breast cancer.