COMPLICATED GRIEF

For most people, mourning, no matter how intense, follows a similar, variable course.  The grieving is all-consuming at first.  Then, slowly, people begin to move on.

But sometimes, for reasons, the grief lingers, even intensifies.  Until recently, unresolved mourning had no name or formal psychiatric diagnosis; it was often simply considered depression. Now, mental health professionals identify it as a condition: complicated grief.

I couldn't see any way going on without Jeannette.  Years after her death, I still spent days on end in my home crying.  I turned down invitations and my friends and family felt confused and frustrated that I didn't move even after four years of Jeannette's death.

Time has helped me to cope and now I feel like I can think of her and remember the joy of life with her. That alone has given me my life back. 

My life will never be the same again.  I have lost an amazing beautiful child. 

We all Went to Meet "Angelina"

We all went to Corcoran today to meet our precious new addition to our family.  Angelina is her name.  My niece gave birth to her last week.  When I held her in my arms I instantly thought of Jeannette as a baby.  She was also pink and so adorable just like Angelina.  I am proud of my niece, Tori for being a good loving mother to her.  I admired the way she took tender loving care of her. 

The day was so sweet.  Thanks to God. 

DRINKING MY COFFEE AND THINKING OF HER

Today is one of those mornings that I wake up thinking about everything I have been through after losing Jeannette.  Sitting here drinking my second cup of coffee and asking myself when am I going to feel happy again.  I miss my Jeannette more and more each day.  She lives in my heart. 

A MOTHER'S LOVE

I shall love her forever and ever.  I love all my children and grandchildren. 6 of them know the feeling of my warm embrace and loving hugs on a daily bases.  Unfortunately, the other four do not.  I keep them in prayer.  They are Jeannette's children.  All they know is life in Los Angeles.  They are far away from me but they remain in my heart. 

ME AND MY DADDY

The year was 1979:  It was Easter and we were in Visalia, California,  at a park.  My daddy was so young back then and at the time, I thought he was old.  Well, that was a long time ago.  Jeannette was 8 years old and must have been out chasing her brother or playing with a ball during the time we took this picture.  Thanks to God, I still have my daddy.  My Jeannette has left this earth but not my heart.  NEVER!!

SHE WOULD HAVE PACKED HER BAGS AND HEADED TO ME

Saturday morning here in Fresno, California.  Fresh air, good thoughts and great coffee before me.  I am comfortable in my chair as I write on this post.  The picture of Jeannette smiling is right in front of me as I type.  Everyday I think of her and how it could have been for her now if the breast cancer would not have taken her from me.  Jeannette was fiercely independent and I know she would have left Thousand Oaks, California in search of a more calm and better life here in Fresno and close to me and her sister and brother.  Right now I imagine being out shopping with her after a morning breakfast.  She and I would have so much fun together. 

 

"JUST ONE PONYTAIL MOMMY."

This picture really reminds me of Jeannette.  She was so darn cute with those amazing big brown eyes and jet black hair.  I would take her to day care early in the mornings.  She loved school so much and her teachers.  Every morning she picked out her clothes and one morning in particular, she asked me to do a pony tail hairdo.  I did and then she looked in the mirror and said, "No, ma, just one on the top."  So I did.  She was adorable and cute and everything a mother wants her little girl to be.  She was fiercely independent and wanted things her way most of the time.  She was my youngest child and I thought of her as my princess.  Still do.  She will always be my princess.