A TRUE WARRRIOR, MY DAUGHTER

My hero, my Warrior, my daughter, Jeannette.  She went to war to battle breast cancer.  kept all her appointments, took her medications and followed every detailed advice of her doctors.  She did it all for only one reason.  For her children.  Leaving them broke her heart into tiny pieces.  During her last days on this earth and as I sat next to her in the hospital in Ventura, California, she kept saying to me, "Ma, I don't want to leave my babies." 

WORKING FOR MY BABIES

Valley Medical Center hospital. A hospital in Fresno, California that is closed.  It sits on the corner of Cedar and KingsCanyon.  Empty lots surround the property.  I remember when I could not find a parking as I arrived to work every morning at 7:00 a.m.  I began my career working for Fresno County in 1978.  My first job was working on the sixth floor.  The Labor n Delivery and Post Partum part of the hospital.  It was full of type "A" personalities.  Doctors, nurses, supervisors, lab techs, x-ray techs, social workers, etc.  I was right smack in the middle of the scene.  Being yelled at was part of my job description.  Nurses yelling out to me, "Call Dr. Lacroix STAT!!!!!


All rooms were full so the nurses had patients in the hallways.  The younger patients were screaming in pain and I was on the phone paging a doctor.  Numerous forms had to be signed by the patients and I had to stand next to a screaming woman and wait until she stopped for a few seconds to have her sign on the dotted lines. 


The supervisors were very strict and would not allow staff to take more than one break per day.  When I called in sick one winter morning, my supervisor was upset with me for staying home with my sick little girl (Jeannette).  She asked me if there was anyone else to take care of her.  I told her I would call her father to see if he could come over and take care of her.  I did do just that and he said to me that was a mother's job to stay home with sick child and then he hung up.  In all the years that I worked, he never ever came through for me and lend a helping hand with the children. 


Jeannette needed me then and I made sure to be there for her even if it meant being written up by my supervisor.  I had my priorities straight. 


When I pass by this ghost of a hospital I get goose bumps just remembering all the crap that went on during those years of 1978 to 1996.  50% of the people that worked there had compassion and heart and the other 50% were mean as hell.  They gave me plenty of reason to hate driving into work.  Oh, and when I couldn't find parking I drove home.  LOL.  home to my babies. 

I HATE BREAST CANCER

Wednesday, June 19, 2014.
Here is a pic of Jeannette and I that I cherish because it brings back memories of her as my baby.  I was over protective with her.  Never wanting anything to happen to her.  When she would fall I would run to pick her up and hold her in my arms.  As she grew and became more independent it was so hard to let go.  I cried when she announced she enlisted.  I just realized right now that I spent a lot of time crying about her.  I cried when she left home, when she got married, when she had her babies, when she came visit me, etc.  Never ever have I cried as much as when the terrible news that she had Breast Cancer.  The worst was when she was in pain and I could not help her.  I CAN STILL HEAR HER CRYING OUT TO ME!!!!  My precious daughter, my pride and joy, my everything. 


I HATE BREAST CANCER!!!!

MISSING HER SO MUCH

It's a hot Sunday, June 8, 2014 here in Fresno, California.  I walked into a market this morning and immediately found out the air conditioning in the place was not working.  Walked out and into the mall.  Nothing in my life could be worse than having my beautiful daughter die.  I miss her so much. 

FREE AT LAST

Tuesday morning here in Fresno, California.  Just finished my daily chores and now sitting here writing this page on the blog while drinking my coffee.  There is nobody here to tell me to get off of it or to tell me that I am ugly and that nobody wants me.  There is nobody in my life now that can manipulate me and as much as they should try, they will never succeed.  Nobody controls me, humiliates me, degrades me and my family or curses at me.  It took years of abuse before I put a stop to it.  During those years, I didn't know it was abuse.  I thought if he didn't hit me hard then it was o.k..  I was told I was not pretty and when I look back at the pictures of me during those years I see that I was beautiful.  I was told my cooking was awful and disgusting.  Nobody tells me that today.  They all love my cooking especially my homemade tortillas and salsa.  I was blamed for anything and everything.  Nobody does that to me now. 


It took years of abuse but I am glad to say that right now and on this day I feel free.  Free at last. Free from all the pain. 


Now I have a life. 


Sad to say, my Jeannette witnessed it all.  Maybe that is why she also thought it was normal to be abused.  Pobresita mija

ON THIS MEMORIAL DAY OF 2014

On this Memorial Day of 2014:


Jeannette was proud to serve our country.   Thank you to my beloved daughter.  You are missed everyday. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.


You left behind four children that you cherished.  It was hard for you to let go and leave them.  I know how much you cried at the thought of leaving them during your battle with breast cancer. 


I could fill an ocean with all the tears I have shed since your death on September 3, 2009.




 You left this world but your spirit lives on. 

COFFEE IN MORNING

"Ma, do you want a cup of coffee?"  was the very first thing she said as she opened the door of her beautiful home located in Thousand Oaks, California.  Just to be able to arrive at her home from Fresno, California was a big thing to me.  I was absolutely nervous driving thru the grapevine and weaving around all the winding roads with so many cars going faster than the speed limit.  I naturally said yes to her.  I needed that cup.  A strong one at that. 


My world as I knew it had suddenly taken a turn for the worse with the news that my youngest daughter had breast cancer.  I was a wreck.  Crying all the time and feeling depressed and not knowing what to do or whom to turn to.  My daughter, who lived so far away from me was slowly leaving me.  She had invasive breast cancer at last stage.  I wanted to quit my job and be by her side helping her in anyway I could.


Jeannette's main focus in life at the time was her children.  She wanted them to remember her so she went on a journey of making memories with them.  She hardly rested and was always up either driving her children to school or taking them to dental appointments, etc.  I could not get  through to her.  She insisted.  I have never known a mother like her.  She was a warrior.  Battling cancer, taking care of her home and especially her children.


I remember one night during my stay at her house, she asked me to sleep with her.  She wanted me to hold her like when she was a little girl.  I held back tears as she nestled herself  gently in my arms.  I prayed To God to please cure her of cancer.  She loved having me so close to her and fell asleep for  a couple of hours.  She woke up to extreme pain.  We both cried together.  Before long it was morning again.  I got up to make her oatmeal(bena) and coffee. 


She loved her coffee.