JEANNETTE BOUGHT CHRIS HIS FIRST FIREMANS RAINCOAT

She bought her nephew, Christian Skyy his first Firefighter raincoat.  She loved him and would always buy him toys, etc. every time she came to Fresno.  Christian is now 5 years old.  Two years have gone by since his auntie died.  I always tell him stories about his auntie.  One day last month while he was spending the night with me he asked me to tell him a story.  I began to tell him the story about the Three Little Pigs.  He said, No, not that one."  I asked him what story and he said, "The one about Auntie."  Then he ran to the living room of my house and brought back Jeannette's picture to my bed.  He said, "Gama, can I tell you something?"  I said, "Yes."  He said," I hope auntie brings me another new coat."  It made me sad to have to tell him the truth.  He is so young and so smart.  I thought he could handle the truth.  I told him auntie was in Heaven.  He started crying and asking me how was she going to bring the coat from Heaven.  I told him I would do it for her.  After he went to sleep I cried some more just missing my Jeannette.  She certainly was a very good loving auntie to Christian.

SHE ASKED ME IF SHE WAS STILL PRETTY

It was one of  her good days in 2008.  She bought herself this wig.  Put it on and applied some make up.  She looked at herself in the mirror and said to me, "Mama, do I still look pretty?" I hugged her and said to her that she always looked beautiful because she was also beautiful inside.  She smiled and walked into the kitchen of her house and began to make some coffee.  I went over and told her to sit down and rest and that I would make the coffee. 
We drank our coffee with hazelnut creamer and one spoonful of sugar.  Jeannette and I had so many things in common.  She and I enjoyed watching the same movies.  I remember when that movie called, "Something about Mary." came out.  She and I went to see it and laughed so much.  Even after the movie was over and we were heading home we would think of certain scenes in the movie and begin to laugh so much all over again.  Then when Titanic movie came out we went to see that one too.  We bought the movie together.  Jeannette was so much fun to hang out with.  Always full of laughter.  The kind of laughs that make you cry from laughing.  Oh, and when she hung out with her sister, Diana it was beyond fun.  Everyone in the family loved her so much.  I miss her so much and wish she was right here with me and laughing again.  I know that one day I will see my baby.  That is the day I will be truly happy. 

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

DIANA AND HER BOY, CHRISTIAN SKYY

Diana loves her little boy.  Here they are in doctor's waiting room back in 2009.  She is very much involved all day long with Christian.  Even if I go over and take him away from her for the day, she calls and asked me when is he coming home.  It feels so good to see all the love they have for each other.  I was like that too with all my children.  To this very day I am involved with all my family.  I sure do miss the days when Jeannette was a little girl sitting on my lap just like Christian is with Diana. 

HERE I AM AT WORK PUTTING A SMILE ON MY FACE FOR THE PUBLIC

On this recent day, I was thinking of calling in sick and just staying in bed and dealing with my grief.  It hit me hard when I was looking at Jeannette's pictures.  I cried most of the night and at 2:00 a.m. I turned on my bedroom light and proceeded to read the bible.  I felt so all alone.  My Jeannette is never coming back to my home.  She is never going to call me again.  I will never hear the sweet sound of her voice telling me to come visit her in Thousand Oaks. 
I ended up going to work.  Didn't even curl my hair and with hardly any makeup, showed up 15 minutes late.  A client was already waiting for me.  So I put on this smile and said, "May I help you." 
Working with the public is so rewarding to me.  I have compassion for all that seek help within our department of Fresno County.  Even when "I" personally am going through a difficult time I always put it aside during the coarse of my eight hour job.  In other words my life is put on back burner during work. 

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

One Month before my Mommy died in 2009

There she stood right in the middle of our picture.  She always carried her purse  and she always looked so pretty, my mommy.  It was the day of Thanksgiving in 2009.  Diana prepared the whole entire meal for all of us.  She mainly did it so her grandma would go to her home in Fresno.  My mommy was the most awesome mother in the world.  She made sure to take care of her family all her life.  I was happy that day.  Enjoyed her company and my dad too.  I sure miss my mommy.

MY BROTHER BEN BALDERAMA PAYING RESPECT TO HIS SON.

My niece (Gina)  posted this picture of my brother visiting the sight where his son was killed last Sunday.  The train was more than speeding.  It was a freight train.  My nephew was trying to cross the tracks with his bike.  It happened so fast.  Within seconds there was no more GeGe.  It was a horrific moment for the family.  Everyone knew about what happened within an hour.  Phone calls to relatives near and far.  So much pain to endure for his dear mother and father.  So much grief.  Days turned into nights.  No rest, no sleep, not eating.  Thinking about him and what a tremendous loss to our family.  My brother lives close to the railroad tracks.  He has to move away from the sound that hits his ears every four hours.  The ugly sound of the train.  The train that killed his son.  His dear sweet son.  A son that had a very loving and close relationship with his father.  He knew his father loved him unconditionally.  I feel such sadness for my brother.  When I went to visit him yesterday I told him that GeGe is with my Jeannette now and rejoicing in Heaven.  Here on earth we cry.  Yes, we cry for our dear GeGe.  I still cry for my Jeannette.  But we are promised that one day we will be reunited in Heaven.  Praise God!!!!!

A DAY SPENT WITH MY SIS, BRENDA BELLA

It was cold and foggy on this day 25th day of November, 2011.  They call it Black Friday.  A day after Thanksgiving.  A day full of people of all shapes and colors looking for the best bargains in stores.  Some camp out in front of the stores so that they can be first in to get what they want during this Christmas season.

I choose to not participate in all that due to it makes me feel sad just knowing how much Jeannette looked forward to Black Friday every year.  She was the type of person that would wake up at 2:00 a.m just to be at Macy's when they opened the doors. 

My sister Brenda was waiting for me today.  We, along with my cousin Rene went to Bakersfield, California to visit my brother and his family in respect of my nephew that died last Sunday.  As soon as I picked up Brenda we began to catch up on what is happening in our lives.  I noticed a bowl of food with some aluminum foil wrapped on top to cover it.  She said it was turkey, salad and stuffing and that we could eat it on the way to pick up cousin Rene in Tulare, Ca.  As I was driving I was digging into the food.  It was so tasty.  I loved it.  We talked and laughed about things in general. Before I knew it, we were already in Tulare.

Picked up Rene and headed to my brother Ben's house.  We were all there for him and all of us hugged him and all the rest of the family.  My brother Ben is having a very difficult time.  His son, Ben Jr.  was very close to him.  We left at around 5:00 P.M. and I made it here to my house by 7:00 p.m. 

I thank God for blessing me with my sweet sister Brenda.  It was a good trip.
It was a blessed day for me.

 Black Friday is not all that bad afterall.

My Granddaughter, Bianca and Me.

Here we are hanging out on a November night.  She and I had gone out to dinner that night. Sometimes I have to just convince myself to go out and have fun instead of being sad about everything that has happened in my life. They say time has a way of healing our sadness.  It's been two years and I still can hear Jeannette's voice calling out to me saying, "Mama, please help me."  I am dealing with so many emotions at this time.  My Bianca makes me forget for a moment that life goes on.  I focus on her and make her happy.  We walked into a store and she ran straight to the shoe section.  She began to make comments about how nice they were and tried on a few of the boots.  I was glancing around and looking at sweaters and tops.  Bianca went over to me and said, " Grandma, can you please buy me those boots."  I asked her how much.  She smiled at me and said $25.00. I told her I would think about it.  As I made my way around the store I looked at her standing by the check out counter hoping that I would come and buy the boots.  I walked over to her and said, "O.K. baby, just because you are a good girl, get good grades and help your mama."  She hugged me and kissed me on the cheek.  It brought back memories of Jeannette as a teenager.  She and I loved shopping.  I remember all those silly faces she would make and how she would kiss me and hug me real tight when I bought her anything. 

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

He is with Jeannette in Heaven now. Ben Balderama Jr. (aka Gigi)

It happened on a cold night on November 20, 2011.  Everyone is in shock.  How could this happen and why.    He is gone but never forgotten.  My brother Ben is in a  state of extreme grieving for his beloved son.  He never knew the pain in my heart over loosing Jeannette until now.  As a parent, the loss of a child had to be the ultimate grief of all.  Gigi, was loved by all and especially his mother, Martha and my brother Ben Balderama.  Gigi, was a brother, a cousin, a husband, a grandchild, a dad, but most of all he was a SON.  A wonderful loving son to my brother, Ben and Martha.  I believe that Jeannette took him by the hand in Heaven.  He went straight to Heaven. 

Rest in Peace, my dear GiGi

Thanksgiving will never be the same for ME.

Today is Thanksgiving, November 24, 2011.  It is without a doubt one of my most precious memories of Jeannette.  Here she is sitting at the dinner table surrounded by all her loved ones.  I am sitting right next to her.  It is 2008. Her last Thanksgiving.  I think she knew it would be her last because she had begged me to please spend it with her at her dad's house.  As you all know from my previous blogs, that I do not like the man that calls himself father.  He is not a father to his very own children and is not a grandfather to most of his grandchildren.   Anyway, I had told Jeannette that yes, I would attend the Thanksgiving dinner at her dad's house.  It was awkward walking into his home at first but as soon as Jeannette came running over to me to hug me I began to have a sense of happiness in my heart.  I noticed a few items my ex had stolen from me when he abandoned me and his children.  The hutch, the table, etc.  o.k. I had to let that ugly feeling go out the window and enjoy the company of my Jeannette and grandchildren and also my son and his family and my other daughter, Diana and her family.  We laughed, we ate, we hugged.  One thing that I couldn't do is take away that demon cancer growing inside Jeannette and that tore at my heart.  On the outside I was laughing and having a good time but on the inside I was on my knees crying and crying for my Jeannette. She didn't know that I noticed she didn't hardly eat any turkey or anything else on her plate.  I told her how lovely she looked in her fancy jeans, boots and cute top.  She smiled at me and whispered in my ear, "Thank You Mama for coming."  I would do anything for her.  If she were still alive and asked me to do it again, I would.   I shall forever never be the same person.  Thanksgiving is a day of thanks.   I give thanks to God for giving me such a wonderful loving daughter.
 I miss my Nettle Poodle.

SHE IS UP IN HEAVEN NOW.

She is gone but never forgotten.  I think of her everyday.  Something great happened today to me.  I went to the Verizon store to just browse around and see the new phones.  A sweet guy that worked there asked me if he could help.  I said no.  I told him I have had my phone for two years and that I won't be changing it unless it breaks.  I told him it would be a long story to let him know why.  He said he had time to listen.  So, I told him that my Jeannette died two years ago and I still have the phone she gave me and on it is her voice message telling me not to worry about her.  I also told him that someone at Verizon had told me that if I change to new phone that I would loose her message.  He said he was gonna see and low and behold i got new phone with her voice still on it.  I walked out with new phone and without having to pay anything down due to good credit rating.  I am so happy.  My Nettle Poodle continues to comfort me with her voice message to me. 

MY MOM, DAD AND SIS

I woke up thinking about my dear mother.  As Christmas get's closer I begin to really get sad about loosing her on Christmas night two years ago.  My mama was so very kind.  She always had something nice to say to me.  We had a special relationship.  I talked to her more than my dad on the phone everyday.  She is missed so much by my dad.  I can't even mention her name because my dad starts crying all over again for her.  He misses her so much.  My mom was pampered by my dad.  He did just about anything for her.  They had a solid good marriage for many many years.  It was comforting to me to enter their home full of love throughout the years.  Now, as two years have gone by I try and take my dad out to places so he can enjoy life again.  I don't want him rocking his life away in a rocking chair.  I make it a point to call him almost everyday.  My sister Brenda and her two sons are living with my dad and that totally comforts me.  Just knowing he is not alone.  My sis Brenda cleans and cooks and does everything for my dad.  I appreciate her and the boys so much.  My sis Donna lives far away but I know her heart is there full of love for my dad.  I am blessed to have a loving family. 

A SPECIAL MESSAGE FOR YOU

Aqui te mando estos regalitos para que los mires y tengas sonrisa en tu cara.  No puedo mandar flores de verdad porque no se tu dericcion de tu casa.  Quero que sepas que estoy pensando en ti y orando a Diosito que te recuperes pronto para que no tengas dolor y te estes sano.  Ayer pensaba que mire un Angelito volando a tu casa y dandote un gran abraso de parte de mi.  Esta frio afuera y no te me vallas para afuera a regar las matas o jugar con los perros.  No quero que te subes en tu auto para hir de compras. No quero que andes bailando en tu solar y tambien brinkando pariba y pafajo. 
Si quero que te cuides bien.  Que tengas covijas calientitas y una almuada para descansar tu cabeza. Si quero que te tomas todas las medicinas que el doctor te ha recetado.  Mas que todo quero que te quede muy claro que aqui yo estoy en el mismo lugar y con la misma gente pensando en ti.  Tu eres un gran hombre.  Que Diosito y sus Angeles esten contigo, mi Amor de el sielo. 

CAN YOU SPOT MY NETTLE POODLE IN THIS PIC

There she was in all her prettiness wearing her Air Force uniform waiting for the arrival of President Reagan's casket and to pay her respect.  She was among some of her fellow staff and other military.  She gave so much of herself not only to her family and loved ones but also to our country.  She was not afraid to join the Air Force and told me not to worry. 
Notice how must of the people are wearing sunglasses.  She isn't. I am so glad she didn't because I can see her lovely face among the crowd.  She was an exceptionally beautiful woman.  My baby, my girl.  How proud I am of her and all that she accomplished during her short stay on earth.  She lived her life like it was her last day on earth.  Traveled all over the world.  The friends she had were totally pampered by her.  She never forgot any birthdays, etc.  Always full of love.  My dear Jeannette.  What a blessing God gave to me.  I wish she were here right now with me as i sit alone in front of this computer in my house. I know she would tell me to get off the computer and let's go shopping or go out to eat.  She was so exciting to be around with.  Spur of the moment that was my girl.  I remember one day years back she and I were sitting watching a movie.  All of a sudden she put the movie on pause and told me to get ready and that we were going to Baskin Robbins and bring back sundaes to eat while we watched the movie.  That's the kind of person she was.  Always wanting to do fun things.  I miss my Nettle Poodle.

My Brother Sam and My Dear Mama, July 2009

It was a long trip for my brother Sam when he came down from Maryland to see my mom.  She was recovering from open heart surgery.  She was in her bedroom and in bed most of the time.  All our family got together on that hot July 18, 2009 to celebrate my dad's birthday and Sam's.  My mom was wonderful.  She loved all of us and was always there to lend her support in anything that came our way.  I miss her so much.  I know Jeannette is in Heaven with my mom. 

I MISS MY MOM



Mother to be, (Trisha), my mom and Santino

 She was beautiful, kind and loved her family.  She was outspoken and would not hesitate to let anyone her opinions.  My mom was so good to everybody. She practically raised her three grandsons.  The one in this picture is Santino.  Here he is with his wife, Trisha and my mom.  My mom always had her hair done at least once per week.  She wore stylish clothes and always had the latest new eye glasses.  She was pampered by my dad.  My mom loved Jeannette so much.  She prayed for her all the time.  One phrase that I will always remember about her is when she would say, "Everybody Look at Me."  She wanted every one's full attention when she had something very important to say.  My mom gave me alot of advice especially during the time I was married to the demon.  She wanted to build up my self esteem and not let him boss me around all of the time.  She died on Christmas Day of 2009.  Three months after Jeannette had died.  I miss my mommy and I miss my Nettle Poodle.

AT MACYS WITH HER LOLO. HER PRECIOUS LOLO

Jeannette and her Loreal (LoLo) had a special bond that nobody could ever break.  It was a mother and daughter relationship like no other.  Jeannette was her mother and friend.  She wanted all the best that life has to offer to her LoLo.  In those days when she was real sick and could not do normal things anymore around the house like clean, etc.  It was Loreal who came home from school and would clean the whole house and plus bake cupcakes or a cake if her mama asked her to.  It was LoLo who looked after her younger brothers when her mama had to go to doctor visits or to go pick up medications, etc.  So it was very natural for LoLo to be called for by Jeannette when she was in her last days at the hospital.  She cried out in pain and her LoLo massaged her legs and was right there for her mama.  Jeannette is in Heaven now and is Loreal's guardian angel. 

HER FIRST SURGERY. WAITING ROOM AND INTO HER THOUGHTS

Here she was deep into her thoughts in the waiting room of a hospital.  I wonder if she was thinking what the hell am I as young as I am, doing in this waiting room and moments from being called to surgery to implant a device on my chest in order for doctors and nurses to have quick access to my veins.  She was scared that day but did not want to show it due to her youngest named Conner had accompanied her to the hospital along with me and her husband.  No sooner had they escorted us to the waiting room when her husband said, "Well, you're mom's here anyway so I'm heading out with Conner and will call the hospital from time to time and check to see if you're ready to come home."  I looked at Jeannette's face to see her reaction.  She was so preoccupied with her surgery that she didn't even care.  I cared.  What kind of a man, a husband would leave his wife and act like it was no big deal and leave.  It pissed me off.  But, I did not want Jeannette to get upset so I let it go.  I hugged her and told her that I would be waiting for her when she came out of surgery.  She smiled at me as the nurse escorted her to the surgery room.  I prayed everything would turn out well. That was around 7:00 a.m.  She was in recovery by around noon time and ready to leave at around 2:00 p.m.  Her husband arrived just in time to take her home. She was in a good mood on the way home and kept telling me that she was going to win her battle with cancer and for me not to worry so much.  I managed to crack a smile to hide the fact that I was so nervous and so sad at what she had to go through.  My poor sweet Jeannette.  I miss her so much.  She didn't deserve all that she went through. 

ThanksGiving 2008 Her Last.

Here is the picture of her last Thanksgiving.  It was a most memorable occasion.  She is seated back left hand side.  She had plate full of food but barely ate a bite.  It was held at her dad's house.  She had requested that the whole family be together on that special day.  The day went as planned and I participated only at her request.  I would do anything for my girl. 

BREAST CANCER TOOK MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER

Breast Cancer is the most devastating news any woman can get.  To be 38 years of age and be told you that the cancer has traveled far and deep in your bones and has eaten away at your breasts has to be the most heart wrenching news Jeannette could have ever gotten.  She was in denial at first.  Had a good attitude in the beginning and was optimistic that she would win her battle with this dreadful cancer.  She smiled at first but as days went by the smiles turned into tears.  Tears of being in pain.  A pain that no pain medicines could take away.  Above all this tragedy was the fact that her husband was a total jerk.  I shall never forgive him for all that he put her through and I know he will have to answer to God.  So, my Jeannette died two years ago.  Two years that I have not had a good nights rest.  Two years filled with sadness and memories of my mija.  Today, is her 40th birthday.  She never got a chance to experience middle age.  She will always be young and beautiful. 

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIJA, TODAY YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN 40

November 5, 2011.  Jeannette's birthday.  She would have been 40 years of age today.  I woke up thinking about her and crying.  It is very difficult for me today and more so than any other day.  This is a picture of hr family two months before she passed away.  Two years have come and gone since she left.  The boys are in Los Angeles and Loreal is in Fresno now.  Jeannette was a beautiful person inside and out.  She had a heart of gold and most of all, she loved her children so  very much.  Jeannette loved to laugh, go out and have fun all the time.  She enjoyed her days on this earth before she got cancer.  She traveled to places  on this earth that I shall never see.  She met so many people along the way and she treasured her close friends and family.  What a joy was to have her as my baby, my little girl, my teen, my grown up mother of 4.  I miss her more than anyone can imagine.  I say, "Happy Birthday" to my Nettle Poodle.

1984, ME AND MY SIS BRENDA

Wish I could go back in time.  Back to 1984.  Carefree, fun times. Hanging out with my sis, Brenda.  Back in those days our hairstyles were like real teased out and way out there.  I really thought I looked sexy back them and I laugh now looking at the picture.  The leather jacket is Jeannette's.  She was such a good girl and always wanted me to go out and have fun and not be home in bed crying over anything.  That night that we went out was one of the best times I ever had.  Brenda made me laugh cause she had barely started going out and didn't know how to dance that well.  Some guy asked her to dance and I laughed so much cause she was doing exercise routines.  It was as if I was watching a Jane Fonda workout tape.  I told Jeannette and Diana all about it and they laughed so much.  Jeannette was only 13 years old at the time but she knew how to dance real good so she showed Brenda a few steps.  Diana wanted to show Brenda how to do the Centipede and Brenda laughed and said no.  So Diana showed her how to dance the Cabbage Patch.  Brenda caught on real quick on that one.  We all laughed and had so much fun.  Every time Diana gets together with Brenda all they do is laugh about those days. I know if Jeannette was here she would be laughing at this picture of me and her auntie.

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

THIS IS HER BABY, CONNER.

It's Thursday night on November 3, 2011.  I was looking at all the pictures of Jeannette and this picture tears at my heart.  It was her baby.  Conner was only 5 years old when she died.  Now, two years have gone and Conner is 7 years of age.  He is busy with his school work and his home life in Los Angeles.  I wonder if he remembers his mommy.  He was so attached to her and always cried out to her to help him do this or that.  He would even act sick so he could stay home with her.  She adored her Conner.  Every day she would make sure to pack his school lunch and also help him with his homework.  During her final days on earth she asked to see her children.  One by one came into the room.  Conner was the first one.  He immediately asked her when was she coming home.  He got close to her and gave her a kiss on her cheek.  I could see the slight bit of happiness in Jeannette's face.  She was sad and at the same time happy to see her Conner, Mathew, Shane and Loreal.  They stayed for only 15 minutes.  She was in extreme pain and she did not want her children to witness her crying in pain.  She told each one of them that she loved them and that it would not be long before she came home to them.  That was never to come true.  It was the last time they saw their mom alive.  Even right now as I sit writing this post I am crying because it hurts me to know she is gone forever.  Saturday will be her birthday.  How I wish she were still here so we could celebrate her 40th. 

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

ANOTHER MONTH STARTS WITHOUT HER.

November 1, 2011:  Well, another holiday just went by without my Jeannette.  No phone call from her or pictures of the fun she would be having with her children on Halloween night.  No, nothing at all.  It saddens me so much when I remember all the pain she endured and all the tears that she shed.  It was a living nightmare for me.  Someday, I hope to write a book about her.  She was an amazing woman.  A very loving child.  A dedicated sister and a loving mother to her children.  I miss her so much.