SHE WAS AS SWEET AS A CUPCAKE

This picture really caught my attention.  It looks so beautiful and peaceful.  My imagination runs away with me.  Thoughts of Jeannette cloud my mind with happy times.  Times we spent together just the two of us.  Like the time we went to the movies and laughed so much.  There was also a time that we sat in her living room talking about her childhood and all the happy times she had.  Cupcakes and cakes and cookies is what she would mention to me.  She said she remembers that I always had something sweet for her to eat and she loved it.  Jeannette was as sweet as a cupcake.  Yup, that was my Nettle Poodle. 

WHY DID BREAST CANCER INVADE HER BODY

When I saw this picture on the Internet it made me so angry at breast cancer.  Breast cancer took my beloved Jeannette from me.  It tore into her body like a speeding bullet.  It shattered her breast bones and bits and pieces of it were coming out of a hole where her breast used to be.  It scared her to death.  She had pain that nobody can even describe.  No pain medication could take it away.  She had only one breast.  It was full of cancer too.  The doctor thought that when she removed the one on the right the cancer would be all gone.  That day after the surgery I was in the hospital by her bedside.  Jeannette was never one to complain but at that point in time, she was miserable and depressed.  She told me that she was ugly and that she never wanted to see herself in the mirror.  I tried my best to reassure her that with reconstruction surgery she would be back to looking normal.  She didn't buy that one bit.  I cried as I left her room.  Why did this cancer invade her young body.  Why not me.

I CRIED DURING THE DREAM AND AFTER TOO

I dreamed of her last night.  In the dream she was walking and I was trying to walk next to her.  She was walking real fast and it was hard for me to keep up.  She would not slow down.  I finally stopped and watched her walk away and disapear into the night.  I cried so much in that dream. 

I am just glad I dreamed of her.  Gosh, I miss her so much.  Wish she would have seen how beautiful Bianca looked last night when she went to the Winter Formal.  She wore a pastel pink dress and silver shoes.  Her hair was in curls.  I know Jeannette would have been taking several pictures of her. 

Missing my Nettle Poodle.

GRANDMA'S LOVE

O.k. so, I am here thinking about Loreal, Mathew, Shane and Conner.  I hope they never forget their mommy who loved them more than anything in the world.  I wish I could see them but as for now I will wait and see when they are ready.  Time will tell.   Until then, I will keep praying for them and letting them know through this post that I love them unconditionally and will always be here waiting for them. 

EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL IS JEANNETTE

EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL IS  JEANNETTE.  SHE WAS SUCH A GOOD AND KIND DAUGHTER WHO LOVED US ALL.  THE MOST SHE ASKED FOR WAS HER CHILDREN.  SHE LOVED THEM MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. 

TOMORROW IS DIANA'S BIRTHDAY

Tomorrow will be Diana's birthday.  This is a picture of her and I back in 1967.  Her dad was in away in Vietnam at a distribution center in Cam Rahn Bay.  His job was to be in a warehouse passing out supplies to the soldiers.  He was nowhere in combat duty.  Matter of fact, at that time President Lyndon Johnson went to Vietnam and landed in the safest place there which was CanRahn Bay.  So, anyway, Diana's dad was away at that time.  Little did I know that he would come back and be so distant towards his baby.  He never picked her up and held her in his arms.  To this day, he has absolutely no relationship with her or his grandchildren.  How sad is that. 

I say, life goes on and we are only here for a short time.  We have to make the best of life.  Love our children and grandchildren, brothers, sisters, parents, etc.  Never give up on your children.  Love them unconditionally.  Let them know you love them by giving of your time and not focus on your money.  Money can't buy love.   

Diana is amazing, wonderful, kind, considerate and above all else is a God fearing woman.  Just like her sister, Jeannette was.  Gosh, I miss her more than ever and wish she was here to celebrate Diana's birthday. 

SHE WAS MY LITTLE GIRL

I found this pic on  the internet and it caught my eye.  It really reminds me of my Jeannette when she was a little girl.  She had long hair and a cute nose and big brown eyes.  She called me Mommy back then.  When she blossomed into a teenager she started calling me Ma.  I miss her so much and I have so many beautiful memories of her.

Waking up on a pleasant Sunday morning and finding this picture makes me somehow happy. 
Jeannette was my Angel.  She is so missed by all of us. 

HE WANTS TO GO TO HEAVEN TO SEE AUNTIE

Friday night here in Fresno, California.  Had my 6 year old  grandson (Christian) here after school today.  I made him a chicken burrito and he loved it so much that he asked for more.  Two hours later he requested that I take him home.  I asked him why and he said because I do not have any games here.  He loves to play with his DS and play on his phone but he forgot to bring them and wanted to go home to play.  I said o.k.  As he was getting ready to leave he noticed Jeannette's picture on my computer table.  He told me, "Grandma when is auntie coming home."  I had to remind him that his auntie is in Heaven.  He told me that he wanted to go to Heaven to see her because he wants to tell her that it's been a long time since he has seen Conner.   Conner is Jeannette's youngest.  We have not seen her children since the funeral.  How sad is that. 

MY NUMBER 500

This is my number 500 posts that I have sent out to world about my Jeannette.  As I sit here today just like on this picture, I think about her and all the good memories.  I think about her as my baby and then as my little girl.  I also think of her as a Teen and then as a young mother and wife.  She never had a chance to be a grandmother.  She will never see her grandchildren.  Jeannette would have been the most amazing hands on granny.  She loved her children with all her might. 

WHAT AN AWESOME DAUGHTER

Jeannette was everything to me.  She was a good honest and compassionate person who in spite of having an ordeal battling the breast cancer she above all else showed so much compassion.  I remember her being worried about her grandmother who was sick in the hospital.  At that time I had both Jeannette and my mom in the hospital.  One was in Ventura County and the other in Tulare County.  One was battling cancer the other one a broken heart. 

Compassion usually calls for a willingness to humbly spend oneself in obscurity on behalf of unknowns.....Truly compassionate people are often hard to understand.  They take risks most people would never take.  They give away what most people would cling to.  They reach out and touch when most would hold back with folded arms.  Their caring brings them up close where they feel the other person's pain and do whatever is necessary to demonstrate true concern.  That is exactly how my Jeannette was.  She drove hundreds of miles to see her grandmother on an extremely hot July day.  She was in pain but that was on her back burner.  She had compassion like no other. 

What an Awesome daughter.

I MISS HER HUGS

This year my main objective is to go visit my beloved Jeannette.  I want to take her some pink flowers.  My children and grandchildren will be there with me too.  We all miss her so much.  Not one day goes by that I do not think of her.  Right now I am wearing her pink slippers and robe.  Wearing her robe makes me feel as though she is hugging me.  I miss her hugs. 

WISH I COULD SEE HER AGAIN

Fridays in 2008 were mostly spent traveling to Thousand Oaks to see her.  I had to work during the week but managed to take Fridays off so that I could spend three day weekends with her.  She was always happy to see me at her door.  I was happy I made it there safely due to all the traffic on the grapevine heading into Los Angeles.  One of the first things she always wanted me to do is accompany her to her favorite eating places.   Oh, how I wish I could go down there to see her again and see her beautiful face and give her a great big hug.  I miss her so much. 

SHE WAS THOUGHTFUL ALL DURING HER BATTLE

Thursday and have been thinking of Jeannette and her battle with breast cancer.  My beloved daughter in pain but handling her business.  She made sure her children would never do without by getting life insurance in California and Texas.  Her father made sure to be the beneficiary in the Texas life insurance.  He has lied all his life so it was natural for him to lie to his dying daughter by telling her he would give it all up to her children.  I doubt that.  That man is evil as hell!

JANUARY 9, 2013 A SPECIAL DAY

Last year on this day of my birthday I was sitting on my office chair taking a break and thinking of my Nettle Poodle.  How I longed to have her with me.  Just seeing her smile for me.  Only to hold her in my arms one more time.  Now, a year later I still feel the same way.  I am tempted to get into my car and drive down to her grave site but in reality it is impossible today due to my loving children and grandchildren have planned a dinner party for me tonight.  Wow, I can't believe I am 64 years of age.  I look in the mirror and still see a much younger woman.  I am healthy and ready to see what this day has in store for me.  

I just wish Jeannette was here right now telling me, "Ma, you still look beautiful ."

MY BEAUTIFUL SIS

Nothing could have made me more happier than yesterday when my baby sister texted me.  I was driving down the street on my way to doctor appointment when I heard the sound of my cell phone.  I glanced at it but had to wait until I reached the red light so that I could put my reading glasses on to read it.  I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I had to pull over on a side street to cry.  What a joy and what a blessing God gave to me especially the day before my birthday.  I love my sis Donna so much and miss her.

She misses Jeannette too.  I remember my sis singing to Jeannette by phone while Jeannette lay in her hospital bed in pain.  My sis soothed her so.  Jeannette loved her so much.  I shall never forget that.

I PRAY TO GOD TO REUNITE US SOON.

I BELIEVE IN GOD

January 9, 1967.  Only 18 years of age.  Had a baby and was living with my parents waiting for my husband to come home from Vietnam.  It was a long long wait and if I knew back then  how my life would have ended up with that monster,  I would have never had that smile on my face.

Just looking at this pic makes me sad for her.  She has no idea what kind of a monster is coming back from Vietnam.  How sad is that.  She does not know she will never have the storybook ending that she dreamed of.  How sad is that.  She does not know she will have two more babies that will have such an unloving father.  She will have to bear the load all on her own.  Loving her children and grandchildren with all her might.  Through all her sad days that she endured she still believes in her Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. 

Praise God.  I thank him for 64 years he has given me.  I believe good things are to come. 



 

SHE SAID, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" TO ME

 

I am awake at 3:00 a.m. this 9th day of January, 2013.  It happens to be my birthday and I had to get out of bed because I just could not sleep any longer.  I had a dream about Jeannette that is still so vivid in my mind.  What a wonderful time I had in that dream.  Jeannette and I were together at the Cherry Auction swap meet in Fresno.  We were selling all kinds of things and people were actually buying stuff that I was going to throw away.  Things like old shoes, sweaters, etc.  We had so much fun together doing that.  I do not know what the dream means but I am just happy I had that dream .  It make this day so very special to me. 

 

God has given me 64 years of life.  As I look back and remember all the birthdays of my past I realize I cherish most the ones with all my loved ones around me singing me Happy Birthday. 

 

 When I was a little girl and I think about 5 years of age I wanted a birthday party so much because I had witnessed another little girl named Betty Leon have a big birthday party and I wanted one just like hers.  I begged my mom for one but she said there was no money for a party.  I was mad because I wanted to have attention and be special on that day.  Then my grandmother all of a sudden brought over a big bag with a cake and two big bottles of 7-up.  I was so happy.  It was me, my brothers Manuel, Benny and Ron enjoying a big piece of coconut cake and soda.  It didn't matter that I didn't have a big party.  I was just happy to have the most loving grandmother in the world.  I guess that is why now I make a big fuss over my children and grandchildren's birthdays.  I am just like my beloved grandmother.

 

Jeannette called me on my birthday on January 9, 2009.  I remember hearing her sweet voice telling me she was thinking of me and wished me a Happy Birthday.  She had been in so much pain and was barely going to sleep but wanted to be sure and let me know she didn't forget my birthday.  She asked me for my account number to my car and the phone number of the financial company I paid my loan to.  I asked her why.  She said because she wanted to pay my car payment as a birthday gift to me because she could not shop due to pain and could not give me a gift.  I cried and told her she didn't have to do that.  She insisted.  That's the kind of person Jeannette was.  So kind, so thoughtful and with such a big heart. 

 My car is paid off now and if she were here she wouldn't have to do that for me.  If she were here we would be together today.  I would make sure of that.  Gosh, I am crying right now just thinking about her and knowing that today, no matter what takes place she will not be here with me.  It hurts.  Three years have passed and it still hurts.  I miss my Nettle Poodle so much. 

I am just happy I dreamed of her last night.  That is the best gift I could ever ask for today, on my birthday. 

 

 

 

 

JEANNETTE ALSO WOULD NOT WANT ME TO BE ALONE

So, my birthday is coming up on Wednesday and it will be bitter sweet.  Three years of deep grieving for my Jeannette have somehow not taken a toll on me.  God has kept me healthy and I feel so much energy.  Enough to go out and do all the things that I never could do while I was working.  I am blessed with loving children and grandchildren.  One of which is Ashlee.  This picture was taken last week.  We went out to lunch.  Ashlee keeps wanting me to have a relationship and says she is going to find me a good man.  She does not want me to be alone.  I guess she worries the most for me.  I tell her I am doing just fine but she does not believe me.  I guess it would be nice to share my life with someone.  Maybe I will one day soon.  Only God knows. 

GREAT MEMORIES OF HER

Monday, January 7, 2012.   It is overcast and cold outside here in Fresno.  Thinking of Jeannette and how I wish she could be here drinking a hot cup of coffee with me.  I miss her laughter and the way she would get excited over things.  One memory comes back to me so vividly.  We had gone to see the movie called, "Something About Mary."  We laughed so much during and after the movie.  I remember her having to stop on side street of Blackstone Avenue just to finish laughing.  We had the best time.  A time she remembered too during her last day in the hospital.  We talked alot during that time and she also had many many fond memories of us together.

SHE WOULD HAVE LOVED THIS PIC

I love this pic so much that I decided to put it on this blog.  The flowers are so pretty and the bike all in red.  This is a pic I am so sure Jeannette would have liked. 

Sure do miss my Jeannette. 

2013 WILL BE A GOOD YEAR

I pray that 2013 will bring me happiness.  I realize I will never be completely happy because I will never have Jeannette back but I do want to be blessed this year.  Last year I was blessed with my new grand baby girl.  Also, I have my whole family healthy especially my dad  who is in his 80s. 

Jeannette is always on my mind.  I wonder how my grandsons and daughter are doing.  Mathew, Shane, Conner and Loreal.  They had the most awesome mother.  A mother that loved them so very much that through all her pain she managed to put make-up on before they came to visit her in the hospital.  She didn't want them to be scared at what she had become.  To me, she was beautiful but in her eyes she saw the dark circles around her eyes and pale face.  I kept telling her she looked good but in the end, I helped her put on make-up.   The children came to see her and I recall Shane telling her, "Mommy, you look pretty."