PLEASE FORGIVE ME, MIJA

It was 1971.  A young mother of three lived on a humble street called Normal in Fresno, California.  Her days were spent taking care of her babies.  She kept them warm in the winter and cool in the summer.  Everyday was an adventure for the children.  Sometimes the young 22 year old mother would be so very happy cooking, cleaning and dusting however, when 5:00 p.m. came around it was all together a different feeling that would take place. 


Her husband was always mad at something.  He was mad because the children made too much noise or because he had to work, or because the food was not to his liking, etc.  Bottom line is that he was a very negative person.  Everyday he would complain to his wife that she should be out working and not home and being lazy, etc.  He did not appreciate her at all.  All he thought about was money. 


One day and at the time her baby was only 5 months old, the young mother found a trainee job opening in the local paper.  She applied and was immediately hired.  The place she was hired at was an optical eye wear office.  The doctor was old and needed a  Spanish speaking assistant to help him as there were a lot of Hispanics that would frequent the office.  It was located in downtown Fresno.  At the time it was the heart of the city.  The famous Fulton mall. 


That young mother was me, Gloria.  The mother of Jeannette.  I cry now as I sit here writing about this.  It makes me sick to know I left my 5 month old baby with strangers in order to make my husband happy.  He never was.  Nothing could make him happy.  He hated being my husband and hated being a father. 


To my Jeannette in Heaven:  Mija, I am so sorry for leaving you with strangers as a baby.  I can only imagine how awful it must have felt for you not to have my loving arms around you, holding you.


I AM SO SORRY!  PLEASE FORGIVE ME MIJA. 








 

SHE CAME BACK

She walked into a large room filled with all the people she had ever known in her life.  Every single person that she had ever come in contact with was there.  All of them sat in groups.  There sat her husband and all her beautiful children to the right of the room and next to them sat her father with his wife and a few family members.  To the left sat her mother, brother, sister, nieces, nephews, aunties, cousins, and grandpa.  Also to the left sat her co-workers from the base in Los Angeles as well as Fresno and Sacramento.  She had so many close childhood friends and they sat close to her mother's table on the left.  Her breast cancer doctors and nurses sat in the back of the room.  Her school teachers, professors from college and her daycare workers were there too. 


She was dressed in a long white gown that had diamonds and precious stones lining the bottom of her gown.  Her head was full of hair.  The hair was dark brown and wavy.  Her big brown eyes were not filled with tears anymore.  Her lips were pink and full.  Her whole face was amazing and beautiful.  She was a true angel that had come down from Heaven. 


She walked straight to the right and as her children jumped up for joy, she hugged each and everyone of them and kissing them gently on the cheek.  Next, she went straight to her mother and told her this.  "Ma, when I was in the hospice room, I so wanted to wake up and talk to you."  "Ma, I heard your prayers and you begging God to cure me from breast cancer." Then she hugged her mom, sister and brother.  She loved them so.


She walked up to the microphone that had been set up for her in anticipation of her arrival from Heaven. 


She looked around and spoke to each person in that room on an individual basis.  Some of the people were not happy to hear what she had to say.  She spoke the truth.  She could see the truth now.  Now, she knew the real people and the fake people.  They sure got a piece of her mind. 


Then I woke up.  It's Saturday, March 22, 2014.  Four years after her death. 




Thanks to God for this dream. 

COUNTING MY BLESSINGS

Fridays were always fun for Jeannette and I when she was a teenager.  We lived in a beautiful house in Clovis, California.  As soon as she arrived home from school we would get ready and have dinner at Happy Steak on Blackstone Ave.  here in Fresno.  She had a big appetite back in those days.  Happy thoughts of her run through my mind.  Remembering how beautiful, young and carefree she was.  We shared everything from shorts, tops, make-up and hair products to secrets that we would never tell anyone else.  It was an awesome Mother and Daughter relationship. 


At times I experienced difficult times financially.  After seeing me stressed and worried, Jeannette would snuggle next to me and tell me, "Ma, forget about the troubles."  I would ask her how could I forget and she would say, "Give it all up to God, ma." 


I did just that back then and I still do now.  I count my blessings. 

MISSING JEANNETTE

When I found this pic on the internet it instantly reminded me of Jeannette.  She always dressed nice and appropriate for the occasion.  Jeannette was like no other. 


I miss her more and more each and everyday. 

New Books

Every night when I close my eyes and about to go to sleep I get a lump in my throat.  Knowing that when I wake up she will not be here.  I have to force myself to keep calm and go about my normal day.  There are times when I lose control.  It could happen as I'm driving down Blackstone, or Shaw or Shields.  It could happen anytime and anywhere.  A song on the radio usually triggers my emotions.  Then my phone rings.  I pick it up and as I am trying to wipe away the tears, I hear a cute little boy voice on the other end.  It is my 7 year old grandson.  Asking me if I can come over because he wants to show me his new books.  I immediately snap back to reality.  Yes, I tell him.  I will go see his new books. 

THEY WERE EVIL AND LIARS

Thursday morning on this beautiful day of March 6, 2014. 


Thoughts of Jeannette fill my mind.   I try to think of the all the good things that happened to her.  Like giving birth to four beautiful children and living her life  happy and carefree in Thousand Oaks before Breast Cancer took over and destroyed her life as she knew it. 


Jeannette was beautiful and kind and everything good.  She was welcoming, had such an exciting and amazing personality.  She trusted.  I think too much so.  She trusted her doctors when they told her they had everything under control.  The Chemo doc even said to her that when it was time to go that she would "float her out."  Damn liar.  The Radiation doc said three times per weak of radiation would not burn her skin.  Liar!   The pharmacy that she frequented stated that they would always have her pain medicine ready for her.  Liar.  The burn skin nurse that came to her home to help change the dressing said she would be gentle.  Liar.   The Mastectomy surgeon said that when he took off the bandages from her breast area that he would be gentle and it would not hurt.  Liar. The collaborative hospice team of doctors that took her off of all meds and just Methadone.  Fuck You, Liars.   The Disneyland Cruise her husband insisted on her taking for the sake of making memories for her children turned out miserable.  She was stuck in cabin in pain while he was out and about enjoying himself.  Liar.   The frequent trips Jeannette's father and his evil wife took to Thousand Oaks to supposedly help her were full of lies.  He said, he would be there for her for anything.  Liar.  He was there for profit and everybody knows that and some person that does not believe that is in complete denial. 


Jeannette was disrespected, lied to, taken advantage of and evilness all around her.  Doctors, husband, father, step mother, some co-workers, hospitals and especially that damn doctor that said she would "float her out."  She suffered the most excruciation pain that any human being could endure.  My poor baby died with me by her side.  I never left her hospice room.  To this day, I just can't let go of all the injustice my baby went through.  The evil people will someday have to answer for all that they did to her.  All of them.


 Can't wait for that day. 

HER CHILDREN WERE HER MAIN FOCUS

Tuesday, March 4, 2014:
Another month starts without my Jeannette.  No phone calls, e-mails, letters, texting, etc. from Jeannette.  I do have Diana to share memories with of her.  We talk all the time about her.  Our lives have changed so much since she left us to go to heaven.


I really miss her cute laugh, her cute smile and those big eyes of hers that brought absolute joy to my life.  Her main focus during her last days on earth were not about the breast cancer.  It was all about her children.  Loreal, Mathew, Shane and Conner.  She loved them with all her heart.  I hope they never forget that.