MY MIJA

  As I go about my day here in Fresno, California I think of Jeannette and how she was back in 2009 in the hospital.  How sad to remember her just laying there in that uncomfortable hospital bed in a room that was  stuffy and hot. Several nurses took turns checking up on her and writing notes on their PCs.  I sat there looking at Jeannette and for any sign she might have made to tell me she was awake.  It never happened.  The pain medications administered to her were getting higher and higher levels.


 Hospice charge nurse would come in and direct all her attention to Jeannette's husband.  I got the impression that she just wanted it all to end and maybe that is why at Jeannette's husband's request she administered higher dosage of pain meds.  I put two and two together and realized that the higher the pain meds, the faster the heart had to pump.   It was not fair.  I was mad and wanted to scream and yell at them but I knew I would be told to exit the hospital.  I couldn't let that happen so I kept my mouth and emotions to myself.  Six days later she died. 

MY DAUGHTER, MY HERO

How sad to wake up each morning knowing that my beloved Jeannette will never call me again.  Damn, I miss those days before 2008.  She called me everyday or else I would call her and to top it all off, we called each other just to chit chat, talk about nothing.  Just to hear each others voices.


 I remember pulling over to a side street as I was driving down Blackstone Avenue in Fresno, California back in 2008.  She was crying so much that her words were not coming out right.  After finally composing herself, she said to me, "Ma, I have breast cancer and the worst kind."  I froze with fear.  My words were also not coming out right due to shock.   With tears flowing down my cheeks, I managed to say to her, "Mija, I will be there just as soon as I pack my bags."  Jeannette needed me more than ever.   I was determined to be there for her and I was. 


Today marks 5 years that she was admitted into the hospital in Ventura, California. 


Her last hospital stay.


Died September 3, 2009.

SHE NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO GO BACK HOME

  Thursday morning on this beautiful day in Fresno, California.  Time has gone by too fast.  At this time in 2009, Jeannette was in Ventura Hospital.  It would be her last.  Before she was admitted she called me saying:


She got up to straighten out the living room, kitchen and bathrooms.  Picking up magazines off the couch, placing dishes in the dishwasher, placing clean towels in the bathroom and wiping down the sink.  Then she fed her two cats and her dog, Matches. 


Pain set in again so she walked into her bedroom to get her pain medications that were on her night stands.  Her animals walked beside her.  When she bent over just a little to get her pain medication bottle she felt a sharp pain in her lower back.  She sat down on her bed and proceeded to take her medication.  Another sharp pain again.  Another after that.  Then the pain was happening in her vaginal area.  It was as if she was having labor pains.  She reached for her phone and called me.  I told her to call for ambulance. 


That is the day she went to the hospital and never came back home ever. 

Ma, I LOVE YOU!

 She opened her beautiful big brown eyes as she lay in the hospital bed.  I immediately noticed and went to her bedside to get a closer look.  I said, "Hi Mija."  She opened her mouth and whispered to me, "Ma, I love you."  It would be the last time she would ever speak to me.  At that point in time I didn't know.  It was a magical moment for me. 


She is in Heaven now and free from pain. 

FLOWERS AND CANDLES

  The night was full of energy.  People walking, talking, laughing.  Some walked arm in arm with  loved ones, others walked with their pets and yet others walked alone just like she had chosen to do.  Her days had been filled with negativity all day long.  Phones ringing non-stop from people at her place of employment or from family members who were worried about her and wanted to just hear her say she was doing good.  One phone call from her mother was what she wanted.  She knew her mother was working and at exactly 5:00 p.m. she would call. 


The phone call she had waited finally came through.  It was her mama.  Her sweet voice asked her how she was doing.  She told her mama she was o.k. just waiting on results of a bone scan.  Her mama told her she would be there in Los Angeles on Friday just as soon as she got off work.  After they talked for almost an hour it was time to say goodbye.  She hung up the phone and walked to her room that had her two kitty cats sleeping on her comfy bed and her little dog on a rug on the floor.  Her room had so many many bottles of medications sitting on the night stands on both ends of the bed.  It was time to take her pain meds.  For some unknown reason, she decided to not take the pain meds and instead, she changed into some cutes jeans, t-shirt and her tennis shoes. 


She opened the front door of her home to fresh air.  It was almost 7:00 p.m. as she made herself out into the streets of Thousand Oaks, California.  She walked to the end of the street and then to the left of the street and then to the right of the street.  Ending up in front of an adorable Candle/Flower shop.  The aroma of the candles and flowers greeted her entrance into the shop.  She sniffed each and every candle, held up the most beautiful flower pots and admired the décor of the whole shop.  It certainly took her pain away for that moment in time. 

CUTE SHOES

She was born in 1971.  My little pretty baby girl.  I bought these cute shoes for her.  She kept wiggling her tiny feet on the bed as I putting on her shoes.  Her father was not pleased that I spent $3.89 for the shoes saying, "Why did you buy shoes for a baby that doesn't even walk." 


1971:  In Corcoran, California and at Jeannette's parent's home.  I had given her a bottle of milk and changed her diaper.  She was in her small crib when she started to cry.  I immediately sprung to my feet and was about to go check up on her when my mother-in-law told me, "Let her cry or she will get used to being in arms."


1976:  In Fresno and at K-mart with the whole family.  Jeannette wanted a coloring book with crayons.  Her father said, "Just draw some pictures on a plain piece of paper and we can buy two crayons at the swap meet."


1980:  She was 9 years of age and she along with her brother and big sister sat in front of the house waiting for their dad to pick them up and take them to the park.  Waited and waited.  He never came.


It was the beginning for broken promises made to the children by their dad. 

SHE NEVER GOT HER MINT CHIP ICE-CREAM

 Jeannette is missed so much.  I remember August of 2009 at around this time of the morning.  She was sitting on her hospital bed looking out the window at the traffic and the stores across the street.  I asked her what was she thinking about.  She said she craved some baskin robbins ice-cream. "Mint Chip", she said.  I told her I would go across the street at noon and get her some.  She smiled.  At noon I went and got her a big scoop of  mint chip ice-cream but when I went into her room she was fast asleep.  I didn't know what to do with the ice-cream that was melting away in my hand.  So, I ate it.  She woke up 20 minutes later and asked me about the ice-cream.  I said to her, "Mija, I will run over right now, o.k."  She smiled and so there I went, running across the street again and dashing back to her room.  This time she was wide awake.  As I was about to give it to her, the nurse came in and said she was NPO all day due to an exam later.  She never got to eat her ice-cream.  Now, when I think of her sometimes I go to Baskin Robbins and order a mint chip ice-cream, sit in my car and listen to Celine Dion songs.  Her favorites. 

TAKE YOUR PULSE

 Monday morning, August 11, 2014.  Thoughts of Jeannette five years ago.  At this time in 2009 she was in the hospital and in pain.  I wish to God I could have taken away that pain.

CHRISTIAN SKYY TURNED 8

This is Jeannette's nephew named Christian Skyy.  His birthday was yesterday however, he has been partying since Thursday.  His big sis took him to movies and lunch on Thursday.  Friday, I took him to breakfast and shopping for new games for his Xbox.  Today, party for him which includes swim, barbeque, piñata,  He is loved so much by all of us. 


Now that he is 8 years of age he says to me that he is not a baby and now a "Boy".  So darn cute the way he says things to me.  I know if Jeannette were still alive that she would be involved in all the planning of his big birthday party today.  She loved him so very much.


He knows of his auntie even though he was only three years of age when Jeannette died.  Reason is because I tell him all about her.   

OUT OF BED NOW

August of 2009 was a very bad month for Jeannette.  Her breast cancer advanced into her spine and she experienced the worst kind of pain any human being can  endure. 


Today, as I sit here in my office and at my desk I try and write something positive in this blog to make me feel better.  I have been in bed for three days now.  Just getting up to eat or use bathroom.  I have not been answering phone calls or text messages.  I know it is not good for me to be this way.   This morning I put on my tennis shoes, shorts and top and went out for a walk.  As I walked passing homes along the neighborhood I shed a few tears.  Walking helped me to get out of this depressive feelings.  I walked for almost two miles gathering my thoughts and trying to think positive.  I guess it really helped because now I am up and writing again about her.  I have energy that had left me three days ago.  I am determined to keep positive about my life now.  Jeannette is in Heaven and in no pain. 


Tomorrow is another day.   It will be a happy day due to my grandson's birthday.  He will be 8 years of age.  He loves playing games on his electronic gadgets, my phone and his sister's phones.  Sometimes when I see him smiling at me I see Jeannette.  She had a sweet smile.  He hugs me hard like Jeannette did.  My grandchildren are what makes me so happy and glad to be alive.