STARTING MY DAY WITH JESUS

Fresh and early morning here in Fresno, California.  Getting ready for work and in such a positive mood.  Starting my day with Jesus on my mind.  I think of Heaven and wonder what my beloved Jeannette is doing.  I know she is rejoicing in God's Kingdom and just that fact alone makes me smile.  I know she is not in pain. 


Things happen for reasons unknown and sometimes when you least expect it, something wonderful happens.  In a blink of an eye my mood is positive.  I know why, it is because of Jesus.  I pray often and thank him for so many things.  Sometimes I ask him for things.  Sometimes my prayers are answered quickly and sometimes it takes months and years.  Right now I am smiling as I look at my beautiful daughter in a frame right in front of me.  She also has a smile in that picture. 


Thank You God for another day. 

Happy thoughts of Her

Thursday night here in Fresno, California.  The house is quiet except for the sound of my fingers typing away this post.  I thought about Jeannette today as I do every day and remembered how she was before breast cancer took her life.  I just wish everyone in this world would have known her.  She could put a smile on your face even if you were having a bad day.  Jeannette had a heart of gold.  Carefree and living happily in Thousand Oaks, California.  Working and taking care of her four children.  Her focus in life was her family.  I cherish the times we spent together just hanging out and laughing and at times crying laughing.  She was funny and could make a joke out of anything.  I remember going to the movies with her and afterwards laughing all the way home just talking about parts of the movie. 


I wish I could relive all those moments in time.  All I have are memories that make me smile.  I love her so much.  Always will. 

NEVER LET GO

  Monday evening here in Fresno, California.  Far away from Heaven where my beloved daughter resides.  I miss her everyday and think of her often.  Early this morning and on my way to work I happened to reach into my closet shelf and out popped her pink slippers.  As I reached down to pick them up I remembered doing the same thing while she was here in this world.  I would bend down and put her frail feet into her pink slippers and then would help her get off of bed and slowly guide her into the bathroom.  She wore her slippers often as they were her favorites.  That is one of the reasons I cherish them now.


July of 2009 was exactly two months before she took a turn for the worse.  She loved me so much that she kept asking me to be by her side and that's why I stayed there until September 3, 2009.  I never let go of her.  Not now not never!

SHE WORRIED ABOUT THEM

There she was in the Chemo room.  The youngest person in the room.  As she sat there quietly thinking about her life she made a few comments to me.


The big house full of beautiful furniture, the cars, the vacations, etc.  None of that mattered to her.  Only thing that really was important to her were her children.  She had tears in her eyes when she said she knew she would be gone soon and worried about her babies. 


I tried my best to hold back my emotions.  My beautiful daughter wanted so much to live for her children.  I pray they never forget that. 

HER LAST 4TH OF JULY

 It's 4th of July today.  A day of celebration, fireworks, barbeques, family gatherings, etc.  All this and more but without my Jeannette by my side.  I miss her so much and often go into my memory bank and think of all the previous 4th of July times with her before she died. 


1975:  In Disneyland.  She was only 4 years old.  We went on the "Cups" ride together and she cried on the first round but afterwards started to enjoy it.  We went into the shops and I bought her a hat and bracelet with Minnie Mouse on it.


As she grew older we would often go to the Fresno County Fairgrounds for big fireworks.  Then as an adult, she would spread her wings and go to the coast with her friends. 


2009:  I was with her on July 4, 2009 at Ventura Hospital.  She and I were talking when I received a phone call from my father telling me that my mother was having open heart surgery in Visalia and that she was asking for me.  I immediately left Jeannette's bedside and went to Visalia to be with my mother.  During my time with my mother, my ex husband (Jeannette's father) warped Jeannette's brain by telling her that I didn't care about her and that it was wrong of me to leave her bedside.  Jeannette called me and asked me if her grandma was really in the hospital because her dad said I made it all up.  What a garbage of a man to do that to his own daughter and fill her up with lies.  I was so angry.


In the end, my daughter passed away September 3, 2009 and my mother died three months later.  I shall never forget all the hurt that my ex brought on to me during my Jeannette's days on this earth. 


My last memory of her fourth of July is tainted with negativity brought on by her father.  I am sorry to say this because it's almost six years but I HATE HIM. 

BEAUTIFUL ALL THE TIME

Look at her, she is so beautiful in this picture.  No breast cancer at that time in her life.  No issues, no problems.  A loving wife and awesome mother at the time.  Working for United States Airforce. 


During her funeral I was presented with the American Flag.  At the time, I was so deep in grief that I do not recall too much.  All I knew was that I wanted my daughter back.  I was so hurt.  I could not imagine life without her.  Almost 6 years have passed and it still feels like yesterday that she died but time has helped me with grief and also this blog that I started in 2010.  To be honest, no therapy sessions with counselors, no grief group meetings have helped me as much as this blog.  I strongly recommend writing a blog or entering thoughts into a journal for coping with grief.  Thank you to all my fans of the blog.