ASHLEE AND BIANCA, JEANNETTE'S NIECES

Ashlee had her birthday party last night.  Her birthday is on April 6 but she wanted to celebrate with friends early.  It turned our real nice.  The only thing that was sad is that Jeannette couldn't be with us.  We miss her so much.  I know Jeannette would be so proud of Ashlee and Bianca. 

SHE LOVED THESE FLOWERS

Sunday all day I thought about Jeannette.  I remembered how much she loved flowers.  She always had fresh flowers for me when she came to visit me.  I still have the vase that the Mothers Day flowers were in.  She was kind and so loving and she had an enormous amount of love for her loved ones and friends.  She also loved our Nation. 

MISSING MY GRANDCHILDREN

Mathew, Loreal, Shane and Conner

Someday they will realize they have a loving grandmother here in Fresno.  Someday, they will have a mind of their own and decide to come visit me.  Someday, they will want to know more about their mommy and they will look for me.  Someday, they will understand me and all the pain I have suffered at loosing Jeannette.  I pray that God will answer my prayers and bring my grandchildren to me.  I love them with all my heart. 

I ask the Lord to comfort me today for I am missing my grandchildren so much. 

GAMA, TELL ME ABOUT MY AUNTIE JEANNETTE

Saturday morning and thinking of Jeannette.  My grandson is here with me and found this picture.  He wanted to know all about his auntie.  I told him that his auntie is in Heaven.  He asked me if he could go there and bring her here so I wouldn't be sad no more.  I guess he noticed how sad I look sometimes.  I have to watch myself and be careful not to be sad in front of him. 

I miss my baby girl, my little girl, my teen, my awesome most beautiful daughter.  My Nettle Poodle.

FRIDAY NIGHT, TIME FOR BIANCA AND CHRIS

It's Friday night and just arrived home.  Nothing exciting to look forward to.  I walked into my home and first thing I see is Jeannette's picture on the wall.  She looks so pretty and happy.  I wish things were different and that she was still alive and enjoying life.  Just now my granddaughter Bianca and my grandson Christian came over for me to babysit them while their mom spends time with her friends.  I don't mind taking care of them and at least I am not alone with my grief.  We will go out for pizza and Christian can play his games.  I am just happy they are with me right now. 

JEANNETTE'S SWEET AUNTIE AND HER MAN

This is another picture of my sister Brenda and with her man, Cruz.  They look so happy and I am so glad they are out enjoying themselves and have not only a passion for each other but also for auto racing.  I remember Jeannette told me she also enjoyed going to races and one time she and her friend went to one in Sultana.  I bet Brenda and Cruz are heading that way soon.  All I can say to my sister is enjoy life and have fun and don't worry so much.  She has three sons and a fourth grandchild on the way.  She certainly is blessed just like I was having my Jeannette even if for a short time. 

God Bless my beautiful sister. 

BRENDA BUSTOS, JEANNETTE'S AUNTIE

AT NASCAR IN VEGAS 03/18/2012
I am happy for my beautiful sister to be able to enjoy herself with her man, Cruz.  They are inseparable and they have so much in common. 
God certainly blessed me when my sister was born in our family.  I named her.
Brenda loved Jeannette so much. 

PRECIOUS MEMORIES LINGER ON

My memory of our trip to the Fresno Fair is with me forever.  She drove herself down by herself to visit me and made sure before she came to tell me she wanted just me and her to go to the fair.  She and I had such a fun time.  We bought each other earrings and immediately put them on.  We ate cinnamon rolls, drank coffee and later on ate corn dog.  Well, I ate the corn dog.  She did not have a good appetite.  We went to the horse races and just enjoyed each others company.  She told me, "Ma, you know this is my last time at the Fresno Fair, I will die before the next one comes to town."  I told her not to talk that way and that she was going to be healed.  She hugged me and told me she loved me.  I had tears running down my cheeks and she handed me a tissue.  My baby, how I miss her so much.  Memories of our good times together keep lingering on long long after she has gone to Heaven. 

WHY DID SHE HAVE TO LEAVE ME

Today was one of those days in my life that I felt sad all day.  Even right now I feel like crying.  It is so sad for me to come home and not find my Jeannette's car parked outside and waiting for me.  To come home and never get another phone call from her.  No text messages.  I turn on my computer and there are no e-mails from her.  I look at my mail and no letters or cards from her anymore.  Sometimes I feel sad for myself and ask myself why did this have to happen to me.  Why did I loose my daughter.  Why did she get the worst type of breast cancer.  Why was she diagnosed at stage 4.  Why did this happen to her.  Why are her children without a mother anymore.  Why can't I hold her and hug and tell her how much I love her anymore.

This day will pass.  I will wake up tomorrow and maybe my day will be better.  For now I pray to God and ask him for comfort. 

SOY LA MADRE DE JEANNETTE

Soy Gloria, La Madre de Jeannette

Hola, en este dia de Marzo, 2012  me siento que platicar de mija en espanol pare mis fans de Mexico y cualquer pais que no sabe el eningles.  No se escribir muy bueno y professional pero se que me pueden entender lo que escribo.
Yo perdi a mija en el dia thres de Septembre de 2009.   Cuado mija se murio, yo tambien me quise morir porque no pensaba vivir sin ella.  Jeannette era mas peqenia de los tres hijos que tengo.  Todo los dia yo pienso en mi Bebe, mijita, mi Jeannette.  Se que ya no tiene dolor y esta en la gloria con dosito.  Trato de vivir mi vida bien para que un dia cuando yo me morir yo voy a mirar a mija. 

WITH GOD AND FREE FROM PAIN

Jeannette never gave up hope.  She wanted so much to live.  I know that she wanted to be un-sedated because she kept making noises with her lungs.  She had so much to say to me.  We never got a chance to have closure.  If  I could have been able to talk to her I would have told her I was bringing her home to my house in Fresno. That she would be with me and I would take good care of her by changing the doctors and there plan of care for her.  She trusted those doctors in Los Angeles.  She really believed in them.  I didn't and I told her so. 

I wake up everyday thinking of her.  I go to bed thinking of what might have been.  She was on the verge of divorce before she found out about her cancer. 
I shall always and forever cherish each and every moment I spent with her. 

Right now it's morning her in Fresno, California.  The sounds of rain falling against my window panes penetrate my ears as I sit here and drink coffee from the coffee mug Jeannette gave to me.  She enjoyed mornings and I could always tell because she always woke up in such a joyful mood.  She always wanted me to have coffee with her and chit chat on her couch.  She would sit on her recliner, drink her coffee while petting her beloved kitty cats.  I enjoyed my time with just me and her alone in her home while her children were in school and her husband far far away at work.  We talked about so many things.  She would always tell me how much she loved her childhood years spent with me.  It made me feel so good. 

They say that we all learn from mistakes.  What a mistake those doctors did to my daughter.  They poisoned her and burned her.  The thing is that they continue to do it to so many women with breast cancer.  I hope that women get second opinions on their plan of care.   I believe in my heart that my daughter should have never died in such horrific pain.  A pain no human can endure.

At least I know that she is FREE from pain and in Heaven with GOD.  

CHEMO THERAPY ROOM, WHY? WAY TOO YOUNG

Look at her
my Jeannette.  She was sitting there in the chemo therapy room waiting on the nurse. She had asked me to give her a mouth drop because her throat felt dry.  I managed to find some inside my purse and much to my surprise she said it was her favorite.  She sat there patiently and talking to me in a very calm voice.  I was holding back tears as I watched my baby girl, my Jeannette suffer so much.  She didn't belong in that place.  How could this monster cancer invade her body.  I just didn't understand.  All I could do was carry my bible around and pray every time I had a chance.  Begging God to heal her.  I did not want to loose her.   In the middle of all my thoughts she asked me something.  She said to me, "Ma, let's go to "Tahoe Joe's" for dinner after this."  I looked at her and smiled and I told her that I would go and do whatever she wanted.  I think now that she wanted to distract me from my fear.  I guess she could see it in my eyes. 

I am looking at this picture and realized that the purse she has on the floor is the one that I have now. She gave it to me.  I am changing purses after I post this and use that purse.  Things like a purse of hers makes me feel better.  Well, I am crying right now again.  I see her face as though she is looking at me and telling me it's o.k., she is in Heaven now. 

I miss her so much.  She was my girl.  My baby girl.  My Nettle Poodle. 

MY CHILDREN ARE EVERYTHING TO ME

I was a young teenage girl when I gave birth to my first child.  By the time I was 22 years of age I had given birth to my last child.  My baby Jeannette.  As a young mother of three I learned on my own how to parent them.  I was a hands on mom.  Always have loved my three children.  They are all that matters to me.  Nothing can compare to having a child and taking good care of them.  That is why it is so very difficult even two years later to have lost my baby, my Jeannette.  I live my life knowing that one day I will see her again.  God promised us that. 

JEANNETTE'S BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER, LOREAL

I really miss my granddaughter.  Loreal is and always will be loved by me and Diana, Ashlee, Bianca, and Christian.  We are only a few miles away.  I pray she is doing good and that she is in good health.  My pretty LoLo.  Grandma loves her so much.

SHE PAMPERED HER CHILDREN

I always think of Jeannette as my Angel.  This picture really makes me think of her.  She had beautiful hair before the chemo took effect.  I remember that she always took good care of her health and appearance.  Her clothes were always cute and stylish.  Her nails were always manicured with pink polish.  She always wore her pearl earrings.  She made sure her children had everything they needed.  She loved shopping with Loreal at all the local malls.  I think Jeannette shopped right up until about two weeks before she went into the hospital for the last time.  I remember going shopping for groceries one day during her battle with cancer.  She insisted on doing the shopping and would not let me go alone and do it for her.  She bought about six boxes of cereal for the children and before long the shopping cart was full of food.  She always wanted to make sure her children never asked her why there was nothing to eat.  I think she bought about 4 gallons of milk too. 

She continues to be her children's Angel.  She is there for them protecting them. 
They had an awesome and loving mommy. 

HER FAVORITES

My daughter Diana called me today.  She invited me over for dinner and said she was cooking Jeannette's favorites in memory of her.  Diana misses her sister so much and sometimes she does things to comfort herself and me.  We had a nice dinner and conversations about Jeannette and it was like therapy because I arrived home right now feeling happy.  The flowers in this picture were her favorites.  She always had her home decorated with fresh flowers and candles. 

I miss her so much. 

MY IMAGINATION RAN WILD TODAY

When I found this picture on the Internet I just knew I had to put it in my blog. 
I pictured myself walking up those stones and into Jeannette's house.  I imagined her waiting for me standing there with her beautiful smile with open arms.  She loved flowers so naturally this picture caught my eye.  It is what I wish were true.  That I could go visit her but in reality she is gone.  Gone from me.  Gone to Heaven. 

HE IS MISSING OUT

Delightful is a word to best describe these two granddaughters of mine.  They make my life joyful especially when I have my sad days.  They brighten up my life with plenty of hugs and kisses.  This is their latest pictures.  Ashlee will be 20 next month.  She is a college girl with a job.  I am proud of both of them.  The very sad thing is knowing that their grandfather has absolutely no relationship with them.  He chooses the path of "self centered."  Not one day goes by without him making money his priority. 

He is definetly missing out on his blood family.  One day in the not so distant future he will be ashamed of all that he has done to his family.  TOO LATE!!! 

SHE WAS YOUNG AND HAPPY

Look at this beautiful young lady.  My Jeannette.  She was so young at the time this picture was taken.  Still in high school.  It was a time of complete happiness for her.  The only bad thing that happened for her during that time was when her cat went missing.  She cried and felt so alone with her Misty.  I comforted her as best as I could.  There was nothing I could do or say to console her.  I drove around the neighborhood  looking for Misty.  What a pleasant surprise when I found her  at the 7-Eleven trying to climb into the trash can.  I called her name and she recognized me right away.  Oh my, when I brought her home to Jeannette she practically went into convulsions.  She was so happy.  I went to bed that evening and happy knowing that Jeannette was sound asleep in her room with Misty by her side. 

SHE RUSHED THEM TO SCHOOL THAT DAY

Yesterday was one of those days that brought me such sadness just thinking of my beautiful daughter.  It all started as I was on my way to work and passing the elementary school.  Witnessing mothers dropping off their children and kissing them goodbye as I waited for the stop light to turn green.  I couldn't help but feel so sad that Jeannette can't do the same with her children.  She loved driving them to school and picking them up too.  One day during her last months on this earth she happened to be in a hurry because she had to be at the Chemo appointment and had to rush to drop off Conner and Shane at school.  She dropped them off and sped past a yellow light and sure enough a police officer  stopped her.  She was nervous and tried to explain she was late for her doctor appointment.  The police officer didn't give a hoot.  He gave her a ticket.  She called me later that day to tell me what happened.  I told her she had more important things to do than to stress over that ticket.  She put the ticket on the front of her fridge to keep tract of the date she had to appear in court.   That ticket was never to be paid.  She died before the court hearing.  I remember talking to her during her last days and she told me that she couldn't wait to explain to the judge that she just passed a yellow light and not a red one.  Again, I told her not to worry and I changed the subject.   I wanted her to be stress free and most of all I wanted her to be free from pain.  My wish never came true.   I live everyday thinking about my baby.  I miss her so much.  She was everything to me. 

SHE SERVED OUR NATION AND PROUDLY

Today, as I was driving home and listening to the radio a song that I hadn't heard in a long time started playing.  Tears began to flow down my cheeks.  I got so emotional listening to the song that reminded me of Jeannette.  Some of the words in the song said, "You are Everything and Everything is YOU. 
So true.  One day last summer I parking in the Target parking lot.  Right next to me a pretty young lady about Jeannette's age parked her SUV next to mine.  She had four children just like Jeannette.  She was so loving towards her children, just like Jeannette.  As she walked away from me she turned and smiled.   Again, I got emotional and cried a little before I managed to get out of my car.  How I wished Jeannette was alive and able to take care of her children and enjoy life.

I am proud of Jeannette.  In her short life she managed to protect and care for her children and also our country.  What an amazing beautiful daughter.  She lives in Heaven now.   

JEANNETTE'S LAST LIVING GRANDPARENT

Richard Acosta Balderama
This handsome older man is my Daddy.  He is Jeannette's only living grandfather.  He is a God fearing man.  Is a retired pastor from a humble church in Corcoran, California.  He had 7 living children, of which I am the oldest.  He has numerous grandchildren.  I can't even begin to count how many. 
Daddy is very loving and will do anything he can for me.  I look to him for advice and when things start going tough for me who do I call?  I call Daddy.  He is one phone call away.  I love him with all my heart.  He and I have a close father/daughter relationship.  I worry about Daddy all the time.  Making sure to call him and ask what his 85 year old self is up to.  I know he is up in age but I am rest assured that Brenda, my sister is close by and will drop anything she is doing in a hot second to see about him.  There is her son Spencer, who makes sure all lights are out at night when he goes to bed and each door is locked.  Spencer helps his grandpa alot.  I rely on Brenda and Spencer so much because I am 50 miles away from Dad's house  and it would take me about 45 minutes to get there in a hurry if he should need me for anything. 
Jeannette was especially close to her grandfather during her battle with breast cancer.  I am so blessed to still have my Daddy.  I love him so much. 

LAURIE LEON REMINDS ME OF JEANNETTE

Sometimes in life and when you least expect it, something refreshing happens. 
That is exactly what happened to me at work when my supervisor introduced me to this beautiful young 19 year old girl.  My new job duty was be like a teacher and supervisor so that she could learn how to work as an Office Assistant. 
From the minute we met, I knew I had some fun in store for me.  She has been with me for three months.  Everyday is fun and best of all is that she can take constructive criticism.  Such a mild mannered young girl.  So eager to learn.  She is pro-active and to be honest, she basically takes over my job duties so well that I have no worry at all when I leave the office.  I know she can handle it. 
She reminds me of Jeannette because she possess all the skills that Jeannette had at that young age.  Jeannette also was eager to learn and maybe that is why she joined the military at that young age. 
When I see Laurie come into my office, I feel as though she is my daughter.  I talk to her about all kinds of stuff.  We laugh all day with other co-workers. 

I feel that God wanted me not to be so sad so he sent me Laurie.  She certainly is a blessing to me. 

Can't wait for her to come back from Mexico. 

LOOK UP, THERE SHE GOES, MY ANGEL, MY JEANNETTE

I truly believe in Angels.  I know Jeannette is one now.  I see this picture and pretend it is she.  She was last seen alive on September 3, 2009 in the afternoon.  I was there sitting next to her bed in the hospital.  My baby, My daughter is my Angel.  I miss her more today than yesterday. 

HEALTHY AND LOVING LIFE, 2007

2007 was a very good year for her.  She was busy being a mom, working and enjoying life.  She had made plans to meet her friends in Vegas and that is where this picture was taken.  Look at her.  Isn't she so pretty and she looks so happy.  Those big eyes sure did get alot of attention.  I remember when she was in elementary school some kids would ask her how come her eyes were big and theirs small.  It was funny because she would come home and tell me.  I always told her she it was a blessing from God to be born that way.  Jeannette was always dressed so cute.  When I look at this picture I actually feel happy to know she was out and about having fun. 

I miss my Nettle Poodle.