HER BOYS, CONNER AND SHANE

My grandsons, Conner top photo, Shane in bottome photo.  I love them with all my heart.  Someday soon they will want to know about their mom and they will come to me.  I know that.  God is Great. 

END OF MAY, 2012, ANOTHER MONTH WITHOUT HER

Another month without her.  Days spent missing her.  Wishing I could hear her voice, seeing her beautiful smile.  Missing hugging her.  I miss my baby, my awesome daughter.   I know she is in heaven and is not in pain anymore.  As her parent, it was unbearable to witness her days of suffering.  She cried so much and nobody could help her.  I was shaking and crying in the hospital hallway.  Why did my baby have to suffer so much.  Why.  I just do not know why she got breast cancer.  To this day, three years later I still wonder why.  I have shed millions of tears and millions more to follow.  I will never ever get over loosing her.  It is a pain in my heart I have everyday.  I go to sleep thinking of her and wake up thinking of her. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY

Today is my mother's birthday.  She would have been 85 years of age today.  I remember her past birthdays.  It was such special time for her and I made sure she had fun.  We always went out to the Sizzler in Hanford, California.  She always ordered the salad bar and a baked potato.  I always gave her several gifts and had the whole family there to celebrate with her.  She loved all the attention we all bestowed on her.  We all loved her so much.  I was very close to her.  Not one day would go by without me calling her to check up on her.  She was the best mommy in the world.  I really miss her but I know she is very happy with God in Heaven.  Happy Birthday Mommy.

MEMORIAL DAY, 2012. GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN

This beautiful woman served our Country, Nation and Community.  She served it proudly.  I am blessed to have had such an amazing daughter. 

I SALUTE YOU TO MY BELOVED DAUGHTER

Today is Memorial Day, 2012.  I am so very proud of Jeannette for her service to our nation.  She went all over to the world while serving in the United States Air force.  I can't even begin to say what an emotional day it has been for me today.  Grief made a an appearance in my life this morning.  I feel so sad and so lonely without her today.  Pictures of her are all over my bed as I lay here looking at them over and over.  My dear Jeannette was an amazing woman.  An awesome mother to Loreal, Mathew, Shane and Conner.  I know she is in Heaven watching over her babies. 

I Salute to You my precious daughter. 

WHY, WHY, DID SHE HAVE TO DIE

I can't even finish typing this post without crying my eyes out.  She looked pretty no matter what kind of wig she had on.  She looked pretty just being bald.  She looked pretty because inside of her she was pretty.  She was absolutely beautiful inside and out.  Her pictures are precious to me.  I see how young she was in this picture.  She was too young to die.  Why did she have to die.  I am going to my grave one day and still wondering why I lost my dear daughter.  Why, Why? 

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY BELOVED DAUGHTER

JEANNETTE, DIANA AND MAMA

It was during the first weekend of many to follow that we journeyed to Thousand Oaks, California and to your lovely home.  You were excited to see all of us.  I was holding back tears as I greeted you mijita.  You smiled and reassured me that everything was going to be alright and that you would win your battle with breast cancer.  Within minutes of our arrival you excitedly told us you were taking us all to a nice restaurant to eat a good dinner.  We all packed into your SUV that you drove that day.  All the while talking a mile per minute about all your plans for the future.  You said you were going to do anything and everything to make your children live their normal lives without no drama, or seeing you in pain.  You also said to me that you loved me so much and appreciated everything and you actually went into detail telling me how what a good mommy I was to her during her childhood.  I wanted to cry so much but held back tears so that I would not spoil all the fun you had in store for us. 

SHE WAS SO HAPPY BACK THEN

Jeannette enjoying the summer time with her son Mathew, her daughter, Loreal and her nieces, Ashlee and Bianca.  Time has gone by so fast.  Now Ashlee on the left is 20 years of age.  The tallest one is Loreal, she is 19 years of age.  Bianca on the right is 17 and Mathew is 16.  Jeannette loved spending time with her family.   Even to the final end of her life, all she thought about was her children.  She loved them more than anything.  They had an awesome mommy.  I miss her so much. 

Jeannette and her brother loving on their mommy

If there has ever been a picture of long ago that confirms how much my children loved me it's this one.  Jeannette and Daniel were competing for my love. They wanted to be first to give me a taste of their ice-cream.  I never doubted that I was a good mother to them.  I have always been loving towards my family.  This picture makes me cry tears of happiness.  To know my Jeannette wanted to be the first to give me a taste.  I see myself holding her ice-cream.  I can hear her say, "Mommy, here,taste mine."

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

Bianca and her Great Grandmother

I was thinking about my mother today as I gave my granddaughter her usual ride to school in the morning.  My mother never learned how to drive a car.  She depended on my dad to driver her to her destinations.  My dad was happy to do it.   This picture was taken in 2009 during one of several visits I made to Corcoran to see my mother and father.  We went out for lunch because that is what my mother wanted to do.  She was the best mom to me.  She gave me good advice and was always a phone call away in case I needed her.  I miss her so much.  My pretty mommy. 

JEANNETTE IS WITH ME EVERYDAY

I have her on my desk at work and also all around my home.  I see her pretty face smiling.  My Jeannette is always on my mind.  I miss her so much.  Nothing can ever take the pain I feel since loosing her to breast cancer.  My co-worker was diagnosed with breast cancer about three months ago.  She had a mastectomy and now having chemo therapy.  She keeps a journal and describes all that is going on with her.  I needed at box of tissues after I read it.  The one thing she has that my Jeannette never had was a loving husband by her side.  My co-worker's husband took time off work to be with her and to show support and love her.  He massages her aching legs and other parts of her body.  He runs around doing things for her as any loving husband should do.  I told her she is blessed to have him to lean on.

I miss my Jeannette.  She doesn't need her husband anymore.  She is with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  

GETTING READY ON MOTHERS DAY

As I go about on this Mothers Day, 2012, I will have my Jeannette, my Nettle Poodle on my mind.  I know she would want me to get ready and go out and have fun with her brother, Daniel and her sister, Diana.  I plan on doing just that. 

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO MY BELOVED MOTHER AND MY DAUGHTER

Today as we all celebrate Mothers Day, I will be also enjoying the day with my son and daughter but I will be thinking about my beautiful mother, Angie Balderama and my beloved daughter, Jeannette Hanrahan. 

It has been a very emotional day for me.  I read all the Mothers Day cards Jeannette would send to me every year.  She was the most loving daughter.  She was a remarkable young mother.  She managed to accomplish many things in her lifetime.  Her greatest joy were her four children.  Loreal, Mathew, Shane and Conner.  She loved them more than anything.  I know she is their guardian angel now. 

My mother was amazing and wonderful.  I miss her dearly.  She was loved by our family and the whole community of Corcoran, California. 

Happy Mothers Day mama and my Nettle Poodle. 

HAPPY THOUGHTS OF JEANNETTE TODAY

See me smile.  Yes, and people think I am having a good time of it all.  I woke up this beautiful Sunday morning and headed out the door to visit my dad.  My car battery is dead.  It won't even get a charge.  Have to take it in to get re-charged or a new one.  Walked back into my home and did some cleaning.  I do not stress like I used to before I lost Jeannette.  Life is way too short.  Got to roll with the punches.  I have decided that today will be a good day for me even though I have this problem.  I am going for a long walk and get my exercise on.   Life is what you make of it.  I choose to be happy.  Happy thoughts of my Jeannette holding my hand with her little hand back when she was only 4 years of age.  We would take long walks together and she would ask me millions of questions.  She was adorable and so smart.  My baby girl, how I miss her.

MY MOTHER HAD WISDOM

As Mothers Day draws near I am hoping to cope as best as I can.  I really miss my mother.  Her name Angie Balderama.  She and I had a very close relationship.  My mother had so much wisdom.  I listened to her as she advised me on my issues or struggles I would go through from time to time.  During my stormy marriage she noticed that my self esteem was very low.  She knew my husband was domineering and in control of everything.  She told me to be strong and stand my ground. 

Time has gone by so fast.  She died three months after Jeannette died.  I am now a strong woman and know my rights.  I hired a lawyer who happens to be awesome.  I will continue to pursue my lost rights to my homes and retirement.  In time I know I will win it all back.  God does not like ugly.  My ex is ugly.  His days of carefree living and not caring about nobody but himself are very short.  One day soon he will be surprised by the knock on the door AGAIN. 

I say "Thank YOU" mama for being so good to me and believing in me that one day I would be strong. 

CINCO DE MAYO today and Without HER

I am proud to be a mexican american, latina, chicana, hispana.  I am also proud of our culture.  In our culture, FAMILIA is all that really matters. 

How I wish my daughter was here to celebrate with me.  

A BIG THANK YOU TO ALL MY BLOG FANS

I thank everyone that reads my blog.  I am able to cope because of this blog.  When I write about my daughter it makes me cry at times.  Sometimes I can't even finish the post I am writing due to much emotions.   I wish all of you would have been able to meet her.  She was so loving and amazing and wonderful.  I wish that you all would have witnessed what an awesome mother she was to her children.

I hope I help someone out there to start their own blog to help them with the loss of a loved one.  This blog really helps me. 

HER THREE BOYS

This picture was taken in 2008 during one my numerous visits to see Jeannette.  The boys were typical rascals.  They were living their lives as normal as possible because that is the way Jeannette wanted it to be.  She loved them so very much.  Each and everyone of the boys had special love from their mom.  She was in pain but still managed to take them to all the places young boys like to go to like Disneyland, etc.  I will one day sit down with them and talk about their mom and what a wonderful and amazing mom she was to them.  I am sure that day will come. 

ANSWERING HER E-MAILS IN 2008

This Saturday morning I thought of all the days I spent with Jeannette in her home in Thousand Oaks, California.  I thought about how she would sit at her kitchen table answering the hundreds of e-mails that were sent to her by people that cared about her.  People from the family, friends and co-workers.  I offered to answer them for her so she could rest and feel better.  She insisted on doing it.  First thing was she had to take her morning pain pills and numerous other medicines.  Then onto a big cup of coffee and oatmeal and then to her computer.  Can you see close into her eyes?  They are full of emotions that she tried to hide from me.  I can see her pain and worry thru her eyes.  This picture was taken during the year 2008 and about four months after she found out she has breast cancer.  I still ask myself why.  Why did I loose my beautiful daughter.  She was everything to me.  I can still hear her telling me, "Ma, come and read my e-mails and Ma, Lot's of people love me." 

My Jeannette, I will love you forever and ever. 

Jeannette wants her Mama to Smile

May 3, 2012.  Another month, another day without my beloved daughter.  I try and have happy thoughts of her before she got diagnosed with breast cancer.  I try also to keep positive about life in general.  My life has never been the same since her death on September 3, 2009.  At first I was in so much misery and depression.   Almost three years later I am still having bouts of profound sadness over her loss.  I try and find ways to cope.   This blog helps me cope.  I can honestly say that if it wasn't for this blog I do not know what would have happened to me.  Jeannette was everything to me.  I miss her so very much.  I think about all the pain she had and it makes me so angry at cancer. 

Today, I smile because I know my Jeannette wants me to.  I know she is in Heaven.  I will see her again.  My beautiful daughter.