I SAID, "MIJA CUT MY HAIR."

Today is the last day of July, 2012.  Another month gone by without my Jeannette.  The picture above was taken in May 2008.  It was the day that I got my hair cut by Jeannette.  My hair was long but when I heard her crying in the bathroom due to loosing her hair to  chemotherapy, I knew I had to do something.  I told her to cut my hair and so she did.  It was the one thing that made her stop crying.   As a parent and confronted by unbearable circumstances you do what you have to do.  I did just that.  I just wanted my Jeannette to not hurt.  My beautiful LoLo is pictured with me on that day.  I love her with all my heart. 

HIS PROMISE

Monday July 30, 2012.  Another Monday without my Jeannette.  Another day given to me by God.  I am blessed with a loving family and a whole bunch of friends that really care about me. 

MOMMY, LET'S SING ANOTHER SONG

I was in the mood last night to look at all my picture albums and this picture of Diana, my oldest daughter, caught my attention.  It was 1968 and she was my only child at the time.  I  loved taking care of her.  She was smart and would learn how to sing along with me when she heard me in the kitchen.  We would sing "Que Sera, Sera."  Instead of singing, "What will be, will be." She would sing, "The bee, The bee." 

Diana lives only a couple of blocks from me now but soon I will retire and relocate miles away from her.  I look forward to my life as a retiree and do things I want to do in my life.  Of coarse, my Diana will not miss me much since I plan on visiting her at least three times per week.  I am very close to her and only she knows what a horrible life I lived with her father.  Diana was very close to her sister Jeannette and she has days in her life when she is in such grief over loosing her best friend.  We all miss Jeannette so much. 

TWO SISTERS TOGETHER IN 2008

Jeannette and Diana had a very good relationship.  They were not only sisters but also best friends.  You could expect alot of laughter when they got together.  Diana loved her baby sister.  I know she misses her so much.  We talk about Jeannette all the time.  Our lives have never been the same since she died. 

IF SHE WERE HERE ON THIS DAY

Here is my baby, my Nettle Poodle, my beautiful beloved daughter getting her chemotherapy.  She was sad and deep in her thoughts.  I know she wanted to live for her children.  I know today she would have been awake early getting ready for work and making sure the children had everything they needed before she left.  I know she would be calling home on her breaks to check up on them.  I know she would have been at ease knowing her LoLo was handling things at home by cleaning and looking after the boys.  I know Jeannette would be all pretty at her desk greeting her staff and public.  Her heart was pure and beautiful.  I miss her so much.  My Baby girl. 

PLEASE PRAY FOR HER

I met her in the year 2003.  What a wonderful woman.  Always thinking of others.  Such a God fearing woman.  Good wife and loving mother.


She seldon thinks of her needs and instead gathers all her energy and time to take care of her husband and daughter.  She raised three children. 

She stayed up all night when her husband was in the hospital recently and never left his side.

She takes care of her handicapped daughter who is now almost middle aged. 

The awesome woman above is now in a hard battle against breast cancer.  This picture was taken today which was her first among several chemotherapy appointments.  After that she will be receiving radiation therapy.  Her diagnosis came back as stage 3 breast cancer.  The cancer did spread into her blood stream.  This is devastating to her and also her family.

She is blessed with a wonderful son who took days off work to take her to appointments.  Also, with a daughter that moved her into her home and pampers her so. 

Please pray for her.  Her name is Henrietta.  Please ask God to heal her. 

SHE IS WITH JESUS NOW

I imagine my beloved Jeannette in Jesus arms just like in this picture.  I know she is not in pain anymore.  She suffered so much during the whole 1.4 months she lived after she found out she had breast cancer.  She was diagnosed in May of 2008.  Began chemotherapy soon after and radiation after that.  She didn't want to die.  One day she told me she was scared to go to heaven because she didn't know anyone but I reassured her that her grandma would be there soon after to be with her.  My mother died three months after she died.  I know they are together. 

HE PARTIED A MONTH AFTER SHE DIED

My days and nights were never the same after she died on September 3, 2009.  I was in deep depression and needless to say, was crying all the time and my life was as if I was in a state of shock.  To this day I grieve for my beloved Jeannette.  Not one day goes by without me thinking of her. 
Jeannette's father hit my last nerve when I found out he was throwing a party exactly one month later after Jeannette died.  My friend who is married to his cousin sent me this flyer to show me how disrespectful he was.  I was appalled and disgusted with his actions.  Later on I heard he was drinking and dancing all night. 

How pathetic is that. 

THE LORD KEPT HER BEAUTIFUL

Her time was short on this earth.  She knew she had to try and live out her final days  doing things that she really loved.  So one day she managed to get up and get ready.  Painting on her eyebrows and wearing her short wig, she headed to Las Vegas.  While there she took this picture.  It was in April of 2009.  She died 5 months later.

Take a good look at this picture.  Doesn't she look so beautiful.  I feel God kept her that way so her children would not suffer.  She looks like the picture of health.

Jeannette always loved animals and cats were her favorite.

I miss her so much.  My Nettle Poodle. 

AN E-MAIL FROM HER CLOSE FRIEND

Here I am on a hot Sunday finishing up my shopping for the following week.  I try to stay healthy by eating lots of fruits and veggies. 
Jeannette always ate healthy too.  After she died one of her very close friends reached out to me.  Even though I had never met her I felt real good emailing here and actually I think she was like a coping tool for me.  She told me things I never knew. 

During Jeannette's final year on this earth and in the month of February, 2009, her friend and her husband and baby came to visit Jeannette in Thousand Oaks, California in her home.  Jeannette was so happy to have her friend with her.  During one of the days that they spent there this is what was told to me by her friend:

Gloria, I don't want to keep upsetting you but this one incident came to my head a couple of days ago.  When we were up visiting and we were having dinner, it was our first night there.  Conner didn't want to eat his broccoli and Pat was becoming upset at him.  When Conner kept trying to leave Pat grabbed his arm, way too hard for a 6 year old and pulled him back on his chair.  Jeannette was in the kitchen putting dishes away.  Pat yelled at Conner to, "Eat your veggies because you don't want to end up with cancer and die like your mother!!"  Those words felt like a bow was shot into my chest.  I looked over at Jeannette and she felt the same as I did, although her eyes were filled with tears and was glaring at Pat with all of the hatred in the world.  How dare he say that to anyone?  Then to say it in front of my family while we're visiting Jeannette on her last months with us?  And to her youngest child to top it off? Yeah, that really was painful.  He is such a horrible person.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DADDY

MY DAD CELEBRATED HIS BIRTHDAY ON JULY 19, 2012.  HE WAS SHOWERED WITH LOTS OF LUV ON THAT SPECIAL DAY.  HE IS RESPECTED AND ADMIRED BY ALMOST THE SMALL TOWN OF CORCORAN, CALIFORNIA.  ALMOST EVERYBODY KNOWS HIM.  HE IS A RETIRED ORDAINED MINISTER.  I KNOW HE IS GOING STRAIGHT TO HEAVEN WHEN THE TIME COMES.  HE IS MY HERO.  I LUV HIM WITH ALL MY HEART.

JULY, IS ALL HER BOYS BIRTHDAYS

Here she was in Hawaii with her three sons in 2008.  They all celebrate a birthday this month.  I luv them with all my heart.  I want to say "Happy Birthday to Mathew, Shane and Conner.  This is how young her boys were when she died a year later.  It was the most pain she experienced when she would tell me that the pain of never seeing her boys and her LoLo again was unbearable.  Jeannette loved her children more than anything in the world.  It was because of them that she stayed in her loveless marriage.  Just to keep the family together.  I just wish she would have come to Fresno and be with me and among all my side of the family that loved her so much. 

SHE REMINDS ME OF JEANNETTE, HER AUNTIE

Saturday morning here in Fresno, California.  It's gonna be a hot day today with triple digits.  My beautiful granddaughter, Ashlee is in San Francisco enjoying her days off from work.  She is smart and independent and so loyal to me.  Just like Jeannette was at her age of 20 years.  I am so proud of her.  She called me and said that the hotel upgraded her room to the 30th floor and the view is magnificent.  Ashlee knows how to have a good time.  She is responsible above all else.  I have no doubt that someday she will reach all her goals that she has set out.  I always tell her that when she reaches that mountain she is climbing to look around and start climbing another.  No, never stop. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE BROTHER

Today is my brother's birthday.  He is my youngest brother and lives far away in Baltimore, Maryland.  He is a God fearing man.  Is a loving husband and father and an amazing brother.  I hope this year he will be coming down to see all of us especially our dad. 

A FAMILY IN 1973

The year was 1973.  We lived on Emerson Street in Fresno.  Jeannette was only 2 years old.  She loved the Raggedy Ann doll and so when we took this picture she insisted on holding her dolly.  It was during the difficult time in my marriage but I managed to put on a smile for the camera.  The reason this picture was taken was because a door to door salesman had knocked on my door and was hoping that I would say yes to a family portrait.  He said he would come back the next day so I said yes.  I wanted to have the picture and put it in a nice frame and on top of the fireplace. 

I am glad I have this picture.  I can see how happy my precious Jeannette was back then.  Also, my beautiful Diana and my handsome son, Daniel. 

A SHORT POEM OF MY THOUGHTS ON THIS DAY IN OCTOBER, 2009

I am home sick now with a sore throat and while I recover I decided to read some of my personal journals of Jeannette.  The following is a poem I wrote on October 1, 2009.  A month after she died.  A month full of profound grief.



My spirit died the day you died
Many days depressed as I lay here and cried
I go to work but it's not the same
I'm a walking zombie
With so many people to blame

I'm mad as hell at all the decisions regarding your life
The doctors, the surgeries, the pain is like stabbing me with a knife

I knew you would leave me at one point in time
Not by sedations or upping the pain meds, not like a crime

You never had a chance to say goodbye
I ask myself, Why, Why, Why

Days turn into nights and nights turn into a day
Maybe one day someone will pay

SHE IS MY ANGEL

Jeannette is my Angel in Heaven.  I miss her so much.  She left me with so many memories.  She was so loving and such a beautiful daughter.  I wish I could go to sleep and wake up and it would all be a nightmare that she died. 

CHRISTIAN AND HIS BUDDY, "MR. LION"

It was a hot Saturday afternoon and right around 1:00 p.m. when he decided to call his Gamma.  He knew his Gamma would do just about anything for him.  He called and asked her to take him and his buddy, "Mr. Lion", to McDonald's. 

His gamma drove right over to his house.  After running errands which included shopping at Target (his favorite store) his energy level was low.  So, he jumped onto gamma's bed and with his buddy close to his heart, he fell asleep. 

It was one of his best days.  Just like Jeannette did when she was a little girl.  She was my Nettle Poodle. 

SHE REALIZED SHE HAS SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR

Just arrived home from a long day at work.  Had a good time during lunch with one of my best friends.  We go back all the way to 1981.  I met her while I was out jogging that day.  Have been friends ever since.  During our conversation she mentioned that her son was having a hard time finding a home and was basically staying in a motel with his girlfriend.  She said she couldn't let him stay because she lives in a senior citizen mobile home park and they do not allow anyone having company for more than two weeks.  She was emotional at one point and so I decided to let her know my opinion.  I told her she needs to thank God everyday that she has her children.  Her son is just having a hard time of it.  Things will get better.  I told her I will never have my Jeannette to call me for anything.  I will not have my Jeannette at all.  She is lucky to still her all her children. 

I told her to pray for her son.  To keep the faith. 

As I drove away I got emotional just thinking about how much I miss Jeannette. 
My friend waved goodbye and texted me soon after.  She said, "Thank You for making me realize so much." 

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU MIJA

Here you are standing proud.  You had goals you reached at such a young age.  You had a beautiful soul.  Your outstanding service to the United States of America will never ever be forgotten.  Mija, to me, you are an Angel.  I love you with all my heart.  I will NOT NEVER stop telling people all about you. 

I READ THE JOURNAL

Yesterday, I printed up my personal journal regarding Jeannette's battle with cancer.  I was in my room and on my bed reading it.  Every sentence I wrote during that difficult time made me cry so much.  I wrote about how she would get excited knowing she had received her mastectomy bra and how when she bought her wigs and how it made her happy.  She appreciated every little thing in life as she battled cancer.  I was there for her to listen and help in anyway I could.  It really makes me feel good knowing I did that for her.  She didn't have loving support from her husband but she had me and her sister and brother and other members of the Balderama family. 

I miss my Nettle Poodle. 

MY COUSIN RENE AND I

My cousin Rene and I always have fun when we get together.  She and I go to the movies, out to dinner, etc.  She is the one person that I depend on to help me cope with my grief.  I love her with all my heart.  She is a cancer survivor. 

May God Bless her in everything. 

I HAD A MOTHER'S INSTINCT, I KNEW SHE WANTED TO TALK

I wonder what Jeannette was thinking when she took this picture.  She was deep into her thoughts.  I know she was full of stress but she hid it so well from me.  I guess she didn't want me to get depressed.  Little did she know, I really was lost in depression.  I cried all the time for her.  I still do. 

Last night I had a flash back of her last time in the hospital and how her husband insisted on having her sedated.  I had a big fight with him but I lost in the end.  The hospital administrator told me that I had no rights to my daughter and that her husband called all the shots.  I remember being there alone with her under sedation.  It was late at night.  I managed to make me a makeshift bed next to her.  The nurse came into the room and asked me to step outside while she cleaned her up.  I got up and waited outside her door.  When it was time to come back in the nurse was fixing her pillow.  I stood close to Jeannette and said, "Mija, I am back, I only left you for a few minutes."  Then I asked the nurse if she thought Jeannette could hear me.  She said, "Oh, yes, people that are sedated do not loose their hearing."  Then the nurse talked to Jeannette and said to her, "Jeannette, your mom is here right be your side."  All of a sudden some gurgling sounds were coming from her lungs.  It was as if she was trying to ask me to help her get out of sedation.  I had a mother's instinct.  I asked the nurse if she could be unsedated.  The nurse said it was up to Jeannette's husband. 

Next day another big fight with that demon erupted.  He flat out said, "No, I have suffered enough with this cancer and I just want her to go."  That damn demon!!  When I think of him not even giving her support and talking in front of her while in sedation about casket colors, etc. with my ex and his wife, makes me want to puke. 

Three years have gone by since my beloved Jeannette died.  Three years of deep hate.  I will never

NOT NEVER, get over what injustice she received. 

Some people have told me to let it go.  I can't.  I won't. 

HER LAST VISIT TO SOLVANG, CALIFORNIA

She had just gotten the unwelcoming news from her doctor on the night before this picture was taken.  The doctor said it now was just a matter of weeks before she would die.  The whole family came down to Thousand Oaks, California to support her. 

This picture was taken in Solvang, California the day after.  Jeannette one wish was to have all her loved ones together and spend a day in the coastal area of California. 

Anytime I witnessed her being happy I would smile.  I wanted so much for her to not have pain and for those quick seconds of happiness she experienced, I wanted to show support by smiling too.  In this picture are people that had total disgust for one another.  My ex and his wife on the left were just there to reassure themselves that Jeannette would not change her will.  In the back middle is my wonderful daughter, Diana and my son Daniel.  Jeannette posed for this picture with her thumb up as if trying to say yes, this man is good for me.  Her husband is a demon in disguise.  He smiled real wide for the camera but I knew his closet skeletons.  He was having an affair and right after this picture was taken he excused himself to make a private phone call outside of this place and far off into the parking lot.  Anyone could see he was a jerk.

Jeannette had filed for divorce only two months before she found out about her breast cancer.  I wish she would have seen it through and moved back to Fresno, California and far away from that demon. 

My Jeannette is gone now.   I don't have to see that ex and his wife anymore and especially her demon husband.

THANK GOD FOR THAT.

 

JEANNETTE AT 16 YEARS OF AGE. SO BEAUTIFUL!!

She was so young and beautiful.  Only 16 years of age when I took this picture of her as she was out sunning herself.  I remember she asked me, "Ma, should I pucker my lips like this."  We both laughed.  I enjoyed being her mother because she made me feel so loved.  We did everything together.  We had a connection like no other.  When I talk to my grandchildren about her I tell them that I would actually pick up her boyfriend at the time and all three of us would go out to Clovis Lake water park and have fun. 

Unfortunately, Jeannette made some bad decisions.  Life changing decisions.  Getting married to the wrong man.  A man that would make her life miserable.  A man that would move her out of Fresno and hundreds of miles away from me in order to have total control of her.  I have such tremendous amount of disgust about him and the way my beautiful daughter had to die.

O..k.... now, I vented a little.  Time to focus on life now for me.  All alone without my Jeannette.  Have to run around town with my 17 year old granddaughter and 5 year old grandson.  Got to make me happy today. 

MEMORIES OF DIFFICULT TIMES

My very best friend's mom will find out today if she has cancer.  I pray she does not.  The whole family is having a difficult time of it.  Yesterday, there was no 4th of July celebration.  I had hoped they would have join me and my family but they declined.  I understood. 

Times like these makes me remember how it was when my Jeannette got the horrible news in May, 2008.   I wanted to fly to her and give her huge hugs and hold her in my arms.  Hundreds of miles separated us but that did not stop me.  I and along with the rest of the family traveled to Thousand Oaks, California and to her home. 

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY TO ALL MY FANS

On a hot 4th of July, 2012, this young 5 year old called his grandma and asked if she would take him to buy some fireworks.  His grandmother asked him if he had money.  He said he had a few nickles and that he could buy lots of fireworks with it. 

His name is Christian.  My grandson.  I love him so much.  So I took him to the stand to buy these.  He is so very happy and excited for tonight to come.  He keeps asking me if I can make the sun go down so it can get dark.    LOL.

MY BABY, MY JEANNETTE

This baby was born on November 5, 1971 in Fresno, California.  She was named Jeannette Eileen Rocha.  I was full of joy and nothing could make me happier than I felt on that special cold day in November.  My baby was born healthy.  I counted all her fingers and toes.  She immediately clasped my finger.  She was my third and last baby I would have.  At the time I was young and I thought that I would have at least 5 children.  But my ex did not even want children to begin with so he was not as excited as I was on that day.  To him, it was another mouth to feed.  He gave me no help in taking care of my baby but I didn't even notice.  I was just loving taking care of her. 

How I wish I could go back in time and hold my baby again. 

4th of July, 2012 and missing Jeannette

OMG, my dad  and my beautiful sister are here with me.  We had so much fun together.  We talked about Jeannette and my dad said Jeannette is in glory.  She is in no pain and is as beautiful as ever.  My dad has so much wisdom.  His birthday is coming up on the 19th.  I told him I was taking him to Pismo, California to celebrate.  Now, he is all excited.

It's 4th of July today.  A day to celebrate.  My whole family will gather at my daughter's house for barbecue and fireworks.  We have been doing that for almost 10 years.  It is a happy event.  I will miss my Jeannette sitting in her favorite chair and watching the fireworks. 

THE ENEMY HAD TO MAKE ME HAPPY.

Times are a changing.  Yeah,  I am so happy today.  Some people are totally miserable because they had to make me happy.  hahahahhaa.  This is payback!!!!

WISH THE WORLD WOULD HAVE MET HER

Her name was Jeannette, Jeannettie, Nettle Poodle, Net,  and Brunnetty, but to me she was my precious "Mijita".  My mija  was so beautiful and so nice and warm and wonderful.  Her eyes would make people stop and stare.  Her pretty voice was so soothing to me especially when I was sick in bed and she would call me.  She would always call me, "Ma."  She was kind and thoughtful.  She would somehow find ways to make me happy even though she lived so far away from this San Joaquin Valley in California.  My mija was an amazing person.  If she were alive and was here in this hot city of Fresno, California, she would instantly say, "Ma, let's go to the beach for the day or let's go eat ice-cream.  Her favorite was Mint Chip from Baskin Robbins.

I wish everyone that follows my blog would have had the opportunity to meet her and to have the pleasure of knowing an absolutely amazing young beautiful lady. 

PC FIXED. BLOG BACK ON. GOD IS GREAT!!!!

It took three different appointments with comcast before they realized my modem was bad on my PC.  I was so happy today when this one last guy replaced it and instantly my internet was back on.  I missed several days of writing on my dear daughter's blog.  Well, I thank God for making it all happen for me today.  So Happy!

My life has taken a turn for the better.  So happy that God is with me and sees me through all and protects me from all negative people. 

I miss my Jeannette so much.  Today, one of my good friend's mom went in for a breast biopsy.  Needless to say, her whole family was there for support.  The doctor told them it looks like cancer but will not get results of biopsy until Thursday.  My friend is so stressed out and couldn't come back to work.  I know the feeling all so well.  All this brought back memories of my Jeannette's core biopsy and her calling me with devasting results while I was on the road home.  It was the worst news a mother can get.