JEANNETTE WANTS ME TO BE HAPPY

Saturday night here in Fresno.  I am heading out the door with my granddaughter to a movie.  It is so good to have a loving and wonderful family.  I think that I cope better because of them.  It is over three years that my beloved Jeannette left this earth.  I know, I believe that she is not in pain and in Heaven.  Jeannette wants me to be happy.  I am sure of that. 

I LOVE YOU JEANNETTE

When Jeannette died I felt such profound sadness, anger, bitter, hatred.  All full of emotions running through my head.  Millions of tears shed as I drove home from Ventura, California to Fresno.  Why did she have to die such a horrible death.  Why so early.  She had been diagnosed in May, 2008.  Then on September 3, 2009 she died.  After researching all my notes and journals that I had kept during the time she was battling breast cancer I realized that there were so many people responsible for her early departure from this earth. 

Jeannette loved her children and I know she wanted to be awake to tell them she loved them.  Her husband made sure to keep her sedated and demanded high doses of pain medication so that her heart and lungs would collapse and she would die.  I had no input because I was told by hospital administration that Jeannette's husband had full control of decisions and that if I was smart I would keep my mouth shut and not get into shouting fights with him because if he wanted to, he could request to exclude me from visitations. 

Her doctor was on vacation and I totally lost all respect I had left of her.  She basically lied to Jeannette and I when she told us that when it came time for Jeannette to leave this world that she would "float" her out.  I asked the doctor what she meant.  She said, "Jeannette will not be in pain, she will be on heavy medication and will float up into the clouds and away."  It all turned out the opposite.  Jeannette screamed in excruciating pain.  A pain that nobody could handle.  Meantime, the doctor was on her vacation and I bet she was out floating leisurely in the ocean and having fun while Jeannette cried. 

Jeannette's father and step mother were in her hospital room just staring at the clock and wondering when and if Jeannette would die that day.  They closed their ears to every injustice Jeannette's husband was doing to her.  To them it was all about the fortune Jeannette was leaving behind and how much of it they would prosper from.  They disrespected Jeannette as she lay in the hospice room by talking about casket colors, the ball games, about favorite places they planned to vacation in.  They whole time, I was sitting next to Jeannette praying to God to give me strength to not pull out a fucken gun and shoot all their fuck'n asses.  I hated those people and I still do.

Over three years have passed.  My love for my beloved Jeannette is stronger than ever.  She was my Angel.  My Nettle Poodle. 

WISH IT WAS 1971

Wish it was 1971 so that I could hold my baby again.  I can remember the day I brought her home from the hospital.  It was a cold day in November.  On that morning I sat at the kitchen table to take this picture.  She was beautiful.  Look at her little hand sticking out of the blanket.  She looks like she is waving hi to everybody.  Jeannette was my last baby.  I had three children all together.  First I had Diana in 1967 and then Daniel in 1970.  When I had my Jeannette in 1971 I was told by my husband and the father of my children that he did not want anymore children.  I wonder why I listened to him.  Wish I would have had more.  I loved my babies. 

I CARRY ON

Well put.  I luv this pic that I found on Internet.  I do manage to carry on about my life.  It has been a struggle since the death of my dear daughter.  It brings tears to my eyes when I think of her and how much I miss her.  I was talking to my other daughter last night.  We talked about the time Jeannette was 16 and went with us by Greyhound bus to Reno.  We had a blast.  She shopped until she dropped.  It was an amazing time.  A time in my memory bank that will never be forgotten. 

My oldest grandchild is following in her auntie's footsteps.  She has joined the Navy.  Jeannette left a big positive impact in her life.  She dreams of Jeannette much more than I do.  I am proud of her just as I was when Jeannette joined the Air Force.  Gosh, I better start saving my money so that I can fly out to witness my granddaughter's graduation from boot camp later this year. 

I love my family. 

JEANNETTE HAD A KIND HEART

So today was the best Monday ever for me.  I got so much accomplished.  Managed to do everything I set out to do for the day. I ran into a friend while I was out shopping.  He told me that he took all his grandchildren on a spring break vacation to an amusement park and also ended up taking them to the coast.  He also said he spends alot of time with family because family is what life is all about.  I walked away feeling sad to know that I chose the wrong father for my children.  He does not care about them or his grandchildren.  He has never been one to care to call and ask how they are doing in school, etc. 

I guess one day when he is on his way out of this world he will realize what he did and by that time it will be too late. 

Life for me is about family.   I really miss talking to Jeannette.  She had such a kind heart.  Not at all like her father. 

My Dear Friend Has Gone to Heaven

Reacting to news of a long lost friend still brought tears to my eyes.  She and I hung out long ago in the 80's.  We worked together at a former hospital here in Fresno.  That's how we first met.  It was the 6th floor and it was called the Labor and Delivery floor.  We became fast friends.  Always sharing laughs and chit chatting every chance we had during that busy time.  She had a little girl that was Jeannette's age and so one day she came to visit me and brought her daughter.  Jeannette and Christina became fast friends too.  Over the coarse of  many years they kept close touch and would even take vacations together.  During Jeannette's battle with cancer she told me how Christina would visit her or call her on the phone.  I am grateful to her for being there for Jeannette. 

My friend died last Friday.  Today was her funeral burial.  I was there.  It had been years since the last time I had spoken to her.  She got married long ago and I had moved on to other jobs within Fresno County so we lost touch.  Even though years have gone by I still remembered her as my beautiful loving friend who I enjoyed working with and hanging out with.  The best thing too was seeing Christina and hugging her.  She lost her mom and now my Jeannette and her mom are in Heaven together. 

May she rest in peace. 

HER BABY PICS MAKE ME CRY

It was one of those days last Friday.  I thought so much about Jeannette and everything that she endured during her battle with cancer.  The people that were supposed to support her and help her were not there for her in the end.  The doctors, etc.  I know it is over three years that she passed but it still hurts so much.  Sometimes I spend the whole day just staying indoors and looking at all her pictures.  Wish I had more.  The baby pictures make me cry.  I wonder if I was a good mommy to her.  I wonder how she felt as a young little toddler.  During that time I was so busy working at a Chiropractors office.  It was an 8-5 job that required my full attention.  I went through several baby sitters for my three children and finally I decided to put them in Day Care.  It was called "Mary's Little Lamb."  Jeannette loved that place.  The staff there always told me she was very good and so smart.  I was so proud of her.  She was my baby girl.  Jeannette will always be my Nettle.  I miss her so much. 

I MISS HER MORE TODAY THAN YESTERDAY

Friday morning here in Fresno and have so much to do.  The whole week has gone by so fast.  Had a good time with my dad on Wednesday.   Today we are all going to meet in Hanford for early dinner.  I love the time I spend with family.  Just wish Jeannette was here to join me.  I know she would be the center of attention because everyone loved her so much. 

Sometimes I do wake up depressed thinking of all the injustice Jeannette received during her battle with breast cancer.  The doctors were not the best and one doctor even forgot she had already prescribed a certain pain medication for Jeannette.  I was there when Jeannette told her she already had the medication and the doctor insisting that she had not written one.  Finally, after looking through Jeannette's file chart she realized she was wrong and the Jeannette was right. 

Jeannette was smart and did everything possible to win her battle with cancer.  That included her record keeping of all her exams, medications, etc.  She wanted so much to live for her children. 

I miss her more today than yesterday.

ASHLEE TURNS 21 TOMORROW

As I sit here reflecting on days long gone by I think of my oldest granddaughter, Ashlee.  She will be 21 years of age tomorrow.  It is a big milestone and we are all very excited for her.  I am so very proud of all her accomplishments.  She is an awesome human being.  Very smart, compassionate and with high ethical standards.  I know she will reach all her goals that she has set out to reach.  My heart is so full of love for her.  I  witnessed her whole life.  I have always been a part of it.  Each and everyday of her life I have been there for her.  In her down times and in her good times.  She knows she can count on her grandmother.  I pray that God gives me more years to be in her life.  Eventually, seeing her get married and start a family and graduate from college. 

JEANNETTE WOULD BE SO PROUD

Yes, I was up very early today on this magnificent Tuesday here in Fresno, California.  My granddaughter called me asking if she could come over before her class started at college and have some coffee with me.  I said yes and waited and waited.  Finally, I called her and asked her if she was still coming and she said no because she had decided to study.  I have such amazing and wonderful grandchildren.  They are smart not only in school but actually street smart.  They can handle their own business.  I do not have to worry too much.  Ashlee is my oldest and will be 21 years old on Saturday.  I am posting this baby pic of her.  Wasn't she so adorable?  I love her so much.  Jeannette would be so proud of her niece.  They had a close relationship. 

I LOVE MY COUSIN RENE

My cousin Rene is one of my very best friends.  She is responsible for taking me out of my deepest depression in 2009 when my beloved Jeannette died.  She lives in Tulare, California and drove down here to Fresno and interrupted me from my sleeping in bed everyday all day routine.  She insisted on me getting out of bed and into the shower. She cleaned my house, etc. and made a big pot of coffee and when I came out of the shower we sat down to talk.  Talking was the best medicine for me.  I opened up about everything to her and cried so much.  She cried with me.  Ever since then, we hang out every other Saturday.  I love my cousin so much.