I LOVE YOU JEANNETTE

When Jeannette died I felt such profound sadness, anger, bitter, hatred.  All full of emotions running through my head.  Millions of tears shed as I drove home from Ventura, California to Fresno.  Why did she have to die such a horrible death.  Why so early.  She had been diagnosed in May, 2008.  Then on September 3, 2009 she died.  After researching all my notes and journals that I had kept during the time she was battling breast cancer I realized that there were so many people responsible for her early departure from this earth. 

Jeannette loved her children and I know she wanted to be awake to tell them she loved them.  Her husband made sure to keep her sedated and demanded high doses of pain medication so that her heart and lungs would collapse and she would die.  I had no input because I was told by hospital administration that Jeannette's husband had full control of decisions and that if I was smart I would keep my mouth shut and not get into shouting fights with him because if he wanted to, he could request to exclude me from visitations. 

Her doctor was on vacation and I totally lost all respect I had left of her.  She basically lied to Jeannette and I when she told us that when it came time for Jeannette to leave this world that she would "float" her out.  I asked the doctor what she meant.  She said, "Jeannette will not be in pain, she will be on heavy medication and will float up into the clouds and away."  It all turned out the opposite.  Jeannette screamed in excruciating pain.  A pain that nobody could handle.  Meantime, the doctor was on her vacation and I bet she was out floating leisurely in the ocean and having fun while Jeannette cried. 

Jeannette's father and step mother were in her hospital room just staring at the clock and wondering when and if Jeannette would die that day.  They closed their ears to every injustice Jeannette's husband was doing to her.  To them it was all about the fortune Jeannette was leaving behind and how much of it they would prosper from.  They disrespected Jeannette as she lay in the hospice room by talking about casket colors, the ball games, about favorite places they planned to vacation in.  They whole time, I was sitting next to Jeannette praying to God to give me strength to not pull out a fucken gun and shoot all their fuck'n asses.  I hated those people and I still do.

Over three years have passed.  My love for my beloved Jeannette is stronger than ever.  She was my Angel.  My Nettle Poodle.