I Miss My Auntie

Bianca Alcaraz (Binkee)

Jeannette loved her niece, Bianca.  She had a special relationship with her.  Bianca is Diana's daughter.  When Diana moved into a new house in 2008, it was Jeannette that was there for her even though she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer 6 months prior to that.  Jeannette made a special trip to Fresno and asked me to accompany her to Bed Bath and Beyond Store.  She bought Bianca the complete bedding set for her bed and a pretty rug and lamp.  When Bianca walked into her new bedroom she certainly was surprised.  She hugged her auntie and told her thank you.  That's the kind of person Jeannette was.  She cared so much for her family and relatives.  She worried about them as we all worried about her.  Bianca had to do an essay at school on a person that is a role model.  She wrote about her auntie.  She got an A on her essay.  Bianca has also chosen to follow in her auntie's footsteps and so she is concentrating on all her studies at Fresno High School.  She is a high school cheerleader and loves school.  I am so proud of Bianca and I wish Jeannette could be here to see what a good girl she is.  That's the way Jeannette was in high school.  Such a beautiful, loving good daughter.  I miss my Nettle Poodle.

I Found Her Letter

I was cleaning out my closet tonight and came upon a box of pictures so I sat down on my bed to look at them.  Most of them were of Jeannette.  Among the pictures were a couple of small books.  I opened one of the books and a letter fell out.  It was a letter Jeannette had written to me but forgot to give to me because I never read it before.  It took my breath away and I began to cry.  I had chills running up and down my body. I started to cry so very much because I miss her.  I feel like my heart wants to bust out of my chest. 

 Here is what she wrote:

Dear Mom, When I think of growing up I'd like to set the clock back to make up for my lack of gratitude.  I'm well aware of burdens you took on, the work and worry daily life required. I saw the energy and hope in you.  Your spirit that encouraged and inspired me.  I know you gave me everything you could and set aside some dreams of yours for mine. I feel deeply loved because of you.  I love you Ma. 

When you read this post please pray for me.  I am so sad and I miss her so much. 

We Miss Our Mommy !!!!



Shane, Mathew and Conner

It was during the time that Jeannette had just been diagnosed with breast cancer and I had gone down to see her and help her in anyway I could.  The boys didn't have a clue as to what was the reason everybody was crying and all around their mom.  They kept being rambunctious young boys horse playing in their room.  I got them to settle down at one point and pose for this picture.  Jeannette tried to keep from telling the boys the truth but eventually she did.  She made sure to get each of her sons alone with her to tell them.  Shane broke down crying and told her that when he grows up he is going to become a doctor so he can bring her back from heaven and give her medicine to get her well again.  Mathew, the oldest son had a difficult time with the news and could not concentrate at school and even lost his bike because he forgot to lock it.  Conner was way too young to understand and so we didn't see a change in him however, he did like to act sick and stay home with her often.  I miss my grandsons so much.  I hope that they will come to me when they are older and  want to know answers and information regarding their mom and why I don't talk to their dad.  I pray about this everyday. 


Jeannette Loved Her Loreal So Very Much

We call her LoLo

It's August 13, 2011.  It is almost two years since Jeannette died.  Her daughter is coping with life as best as she can.  She was only 15 when her mother died.  When I was around and interacting with Lolo I noticed she would not open up and talk about her feelings.  I am not a professional clinician but working with them during the coarse of my job, I found tools to help me cope with my grieving.  I wish I could get closer to Loreal to help her.  She lives in Fresno now and is busy with school and other things so I do not get too much time with her.  She has way too much on her plate dealing with the loss of her loving mother.  Jeannette loved her LoLo so very much and several times she would cry to me and say to me, "Mom, I do not want to leave my children."  Her main concern was her children and how they would cope with her death.  Loreal has chosen to put all her feelings in the back burner and instead focus forward onto her life at hand.  Maybe this is good.  I do not know.  I have a feeling that one day she will come see me and open up and share her thoughts.  I keep her in my prayers.  I love my LoLo too.

EVEN WITH ALL HER PAIN, SHE GAVE GOOD ADVISE

Ashlee Sian Rocha and her model.

Jeannette had a very special relationship with her niece, Ashlee.  She gave Ashlee advice and talked to her about life and how to deal with any issues that should come her way.  Ashlee took the news of her auntie's ordeal with cancer so very hard.  She couldn't sleep and was crying all the time.  Her grades started falling and she was not attending her Water Polo workouts with her team.  She was very depressed and cried to me that she could not live without her dear auntie.  During one day when I found her in her room crying I told her that I was going to Thousand Oaks to see Jeannette and that if she wanted to go with me.  She jumped off the bed and began packing.  When we arrived she ran to her auntie and hugged her.  Jeannette talked to her about all kinds of things but mainly advised her to stay and school and focus forward.  She told her to go ahead and enter the school contest that consisted of starting a business of some kind and show all the details on how it would work. It was called Fresno Entrepreneurship. After Ashlee came back to Fresno and back to Fresno High School, she followed Jeannette's advise and entered the contest.  She won first place and went on to State Finals.  By the time that happened, Jeannette had passed away.  She never got to see Ashlee win third place.  She never had a chance to hug her as Ashlee cried.  I told Ashlee that her auntie was in Heaven and very proud of her.  She cried even more when I said that.  She is now following in Jeannette's footsteps and is in college and has a job and a  car and savings account and lives on her own.  All this and she is only 19 years of age now.  Such a good and beautiful girl, just like her auntie was at her age.  The picture above is Ashlee with her model.  Her business was called Hearts Now.  Jeannette had given the name to her business.  I am happy that Jeannette left a big influence in Ashlee and her sister, Bianca lives.  I know that Jeannette continues to do so from Heaven. 

She Smiled For Me

My Nettle Poodle

It was October of 2008.  I took this picture of her at the Fresno Fair.  She was already showing signs of being tired but managed to put a smile on her face for me.  On that day she had asked me to paint some eye brows on her face and I tried to do a good job of it.  Her face was so beautiful that she didn't need much to make her pretty.  It was heart breaking knowing it would be my last time at the fair with her.  I wanted to cherish everything we did.  Time went by so very fast and before long we were on our way home.  She pulled the seat in my car as far back as she could and closed her eyes but before that she said to me, "Mom, I am happy I had you all to myself today."  I felt the same way.  I wish I could turn back time and that she was here with me.  I miss her so very much.  My Nettle Poodle. 

Her Last Chemotherapy Appointment.

Can you see the sad look on her face.  Look closely and you can see her nose kinda pink.  She had been crying on the way to the chemo appointment.  Her doctor had informed her that it would be her last treatment and that there was nothing more she could do for her.  I was there and heard the doctor tell her that she was getting close to the end and that she would be "Floating" her out.  I asked the doctor what she meant by floating.  She explained that she would give Jeannette the highest dosage of pain medicine in the market and that she would not be in pain at all.  "WRONG"!!!!!! LIAR!!!!  My Jen suffered so much.  At the time of her last and final time in the hospital, the weather was extremely hot.  The hospital did not have air conditioning and relied on basic fans instead.  They put her close to the window that had the sun blaring straight to her face.  I demanded to have her moved away from the window.   Meantime, her doctor went on vacation and the nurses told me to my face that the doctor that had taken her place was not answering her phone calls.  This made me so angry because Jen was crying and screaming in pain.  One doctor walked in and said that the Methadone should start kicking in soon and to give it a day more.  I flat out went ballistic on him and told him to give her something, anything to take the pain away.  He did and she finally slept a couple of hours.  I was relieved at that point in time and always gave thanks to God.   My Jen, how I miss her so much.  She was tortured here on earth but right now she is in no pain and living in Heaven with God.  My baby, I love her so much.  My Nettle Poodle.