HER WEDDING PICTURE

I am looking at her wedding picture and see a beautiful woman so darn happy.  It brings tears to my eyes.  It was a bad marriage from the start.  I never liked him and he knew it.  I could never put this picture up on my blog before.  I had so much hate for him.  Now, I want to see pictures of her being so very happy.  There's no pain in this picture.  She is absolutely stunning and she has NO PAIN.  No problems that she can fore see.  She is living in a fantasy land at this point in time. She called me on her wedding day.  It took place in Lake Tahoe.  It snowed so much that week and I was alone and afraid to drive all the way over there and so I did not attend.  That really gave her husband some ammunition to use against me with her.  She was upset with me at the time because she was so much in love with him.  As you all know by my past blogs, he was cheating on her and was ruthless and abusive towards her end of life.  She told me during her last months that she wished she would have been closer to me and that she realized how much I loved her.  I told her I would fight for her until the end.  I did just that.  O.K. now I am going to make me a hot cup of coffee and watch my Novella and not get all upset about this worthless garbage of a man. 

Anyway, I know my Jeannette is not in pain in this picture and not in pain anymore.  She is in Heaven.  I miss my Nettle Poodle.

SHE CALLED AND SAID, " GRANDMA, I CAN'T BE WITHOUT YOU."

Ashlee Sian

She called me today.  I was busy working.  She said, " Grandma, I can't be without you."  I didn't understand.  Ashlee had moved out of my place and into a three bedroom apartment with two friends.  She told me that she missed being with me and hanging out with me.  She said she realized there's no place like grandma's home.  I felt flattered but at the same time I thought about Jeannette. 

Many years ago when Jeannette was a young teen she moved out and into her dad's house.  I felt real bad and cried.  She was only gone for over one week when she also called me and said, "Ma, can I come back home."  I asked her why and she said that she didn't feel the love that I gave to her.  She said her dad's house was like a hotel.  You check in and nobody talks or even makes dinner.  She said it felt ugly when she would come home from school and to find out her dad and step mom had finished eating dinner and there were no leftovers.  She would ask her dad about dinner and he would say to her, "Call your mother." 

I immediately went over and picked her up and brought her home to me.  She never left again.  She and I were very close.  So, now that Ashlee wants to come back home I say YES.  I love her so much.  I bet if Jeannette were alive she would laugh and tell Ashlee that she did the same thing long ago. 

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

She loved to Doodle. This was one of her last ones.

She was at work one day and had some free time on her hands so she picked up a pen and paper and drew this picture.  A good friend of hers gave it to me right after she died.  I think somebody at her job cleaned out her desk drawer and put it all in a box. When I went to visit her grave, her friend was there and gave it to me.  I look at it and to me it looks like Jeannette when she was a young girl.  I think she did this before she got cancer.  Jeannette was such a good person and she did everything at work to make people feel welcomed.  She loved being in charge of decorating for a party.  That was what she loved best.  Even when she would visit me, she moved my couch around and bought plants and flowers to decorate.  She had such a talent.  I admired her and also her organizational skills.  Everything in her house had it's place.  She could find just about anything within minutes.  Even her garage was organized.  Jeannette was good at just about everything she chose to do.  I bet if she were here right now with me, she would have moved my computer closer to the window and she would redo my bathroom.  I miss all of these things about her.  Her doodle above makes me think she was extremely happy and content at that point in time.  Those flowers she drew are so cute.  I love my Nettle Poodle.

I WAS SHOCKED TO SEE THEY ARE ALL GONE



Corcoran Class of 1965

I was on Face book last night and clicked into a friend's site.  Apparently, the class of 1965 had a 45 year reunion and he had taken this picture.  There are 30 people from the class that have died.  When they were seniors, I was a freshman.  I remember looking up to the pretty Jeannette Hensley and Patricia Cabral.  They were so popular in school back then.  And then there's my high school friend's brother named Rudy Leon and also my friend Margie Williams brother named Frank Gonzales and on and on.  I am shocked to know this.  I think of my Jeannette gone and miss her so very much.  I can only imagine all those folks loosing their loved ones in Corcoran.  I feel their pain.  I have been going through so much pain over loosing my Jeannette.  She was everything to me. 

God Bless and comfort  all the folks from Corcoran that lost their loved ones.. 
Total respect for class of 1965.

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

SHE LOVED GOING TO MY HOME TOWN, CORCORAN,CA.

Jeannette often went to Corcoran, Ca.  A small town southwest of Fresno, Ca.  A small town that happened to have her grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins living there.  She lived in the big city of Los Angeles area in a town called Thousand Oaks but her heart was in Corcoran.  I felt the same as her.  I was raised in that little town.  Back in the day almost everybody knew each other.  I now live in Fresno but in my future plans I will move back into that little town.  So many memories.  Memories of Jeannette traveling there to go to church.  She seeked out her grandparents during her battle with cancer.  She didn't care if there were no shopping outlets or fancy places to eat, etc.  All she cared about was being with her loved ones and going to church.  She once told me that she felt the most loved when she was in the company of me and my side of the family.  Especially her dear grandmother.  Jeannette has left Thousand Oaks forever and her dear grandmother has left Corcoran forever but they shall forever be in all our hearts.  Her grandpa is 85 and  living there on Dairy Avenue and missing them so much.  He calls me often and talks about mom and Jeannette.  We all know they are rejoicing in Heaven and that is good.   I miss my Nettle Poodle.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM LETTING THIS DEMON FACE ON MY BLOG

The demon, Danny, Jeannette and Me

  We all received the sad news that her time was short. The cancer had spread in a most vicious way.  Her doctor told her there was nothing anyone could do for her.  She cried out for me on the phone.  All I could understand from her was "Mama."  She was crying and trying to talk to me at the same time.  I asked her to put her dad on the phone.  He got on and told me the devastating news.  It was Thursday night at around 9:00 p.m.  I drove over to Diana's to tell her.  We all got ready and left for Thousand Oaks.  She was up when we arrived.  I ran up to her and hugged her and cried and cried with her.  She was trembling.  Then Daniel and Diana came into the room and cried with her too.  That is one thing I shall never forget.  The look in her sweet face of being so scared to die.  She asked me to sleep with her and so I did.  Next day she announced to all that she wanted to go to Solvang, Ca. 

We all piled into her SUV.  I had never been to Solvang and she knew that so she told me all about the quaint little village town.  It was just like she had described it.  So peaceful and so beautiful.  We window shopped and talked about everyday things.  Then a bakery shop caught her eye so she hurried herself as best as she could.  Diana and Daniel and I followed her in.  She loved the cookies.  I enjoyed watching her eat the cookie with a twinkle in her eyes.  Then as we were walking around the town her dad caught up to us and so we took the picture you see above.  The black and pink jacket she is wearing is currently in my closet.  That is the one I wear when I want to feel as though she is hugging me.  It fits me snug but I still wear it because I imagine her hugging me.  The white piece of paper in her hand are the cookies she was eating.  I see her face not in pain but enjoying the walk and eating her favorite cookie.  This picture means so much to me.  It is the last picture she took of her mom and dad and her.  As time goes by, I look at this picture and want to photo shop and crop the demon out but something stops me from doing it.  I do not know what but it's still here in my album.
At that time, I was not even taking care of myself.  I was just being there for Jeannette and wanted to do anything to make her feel good.  Even taking this long trip to Solvang.  My baby, how I miss her, my Nettle Poodle.

MAMA, PLEASE TAKE ME TO "BILLY IDOL" CONCERT.

Jeannette and Christina (Tina)

It was during her teen years in the 80's.  Jeannette and her best friend had been doing so many fun things together.  One day after I came home from work Jeannette asked me if she could go to the Billy Idol concert at the Selland Arena.  I said no.  She asked again.  I said no.  She asked me over and over.  Finally, I said, "O.K.  but on one condition, I take you." She jumped up and down and was practically screaming out loud.  She was so excited and so off she went to the harvest gold wall phone with the extra long cord to begin calling her friends and telling them the good news.  Her sister Diana walked in and immediately announced that she had to make an important phone call to her friend.  She asked Jeannette to get off the phone.  Jeannette hung up right away and ran to her room to look into her closet and see what she was going to wear to the concert.

I knew it was going to be a long night at the concert and I really wasn't looking forward to it.  Sometimes I react to something without thinking and this was indeed one of my mistakes by telling Jeannette that I would take her.  The day came up for the concert.  Jeannette dressed up so pretty and off we went.  I remember Jeannette smiling so much and having fun at the concert.  Billy Idol was the current Justin Beiber at the time.  All the young girls loved his white blond spiked hair. Jeannette had a poster on her wall of him.  We arrived home almost at midnight.  It was quite a night.  As I washed off my make up and pulled my hair into a ponytail I could hear Jeannette calling Christina and telling her all about the concert.  We had invited her but she couldn't make it.  As I was getting into my bed I could still hear Jeannette.  She was on the phone calling Mona and Lucia and on and on.  She was on a roll.  Next morning I tried waking her up to eat breakfast.  She was sound asleep.  The only way I knew I could wake her up is to fry bacon.   She loved that smell.  Sure enough, she was up and wearing her Billy Idol t-shirt and her bunny house slippers.  She hugged me and said to me that I was the best mom. 

The picture above is of two best friends.  I cherish this picture because it is back in the day when her life was carefree.  No stress, no pain, no worries.  A time in her life when it was full of excitement and laughs with her Tina by her side.  They were each other's sidekicks.  Best friends never die.