SARAH CAME TO VISIT HER

It was during the month of March of 2009 that she had a good visit with her friend named Sarah.  In anticipation of Sarah's visit, she went out and bought this wig.  It came with a built in headband.  I remember Jeannette calling me and telling me friend was coming from out of town and staying a week with her.  Sarah was her former co-worker that had gotten married and moved further south of  Los Angeles. 
I told her I was happy for her as we talked on the phone.  I would stay away from her for one week but she had to keep me posted on her health.  Jeannette said, "Ma, don't worry so much about me cause Sarah is accompanying me to my Chemo and Radiation appointments." 

It turned out that Sarah came with her baby and husband.  Jeannette was so thrilled to see the baby and to have her very sweet friend be with her for one week.  I am forever grateful to Sarah for taking time out of her life to come stay with Jeannette. 

ANOTHER MONTH WITHOUT HER

Wednesday morning and last day of February, 2012.  Another month without my daughter calling me, visiting me, sending me letters, texting me or e-mailing me saying to me that she misses me and wants me to go visit her.  I am a changed woman.  My life has never been the same since she died.  My beautiful daughter's heart stopped beating right in front of me.  I had a feeling that September 3, 2009 would be her last day on earth.  I was right there sitting next to her bed.  That morning I talked to her even though she was sedated.  I told her she was going to see Jesus Christ and she would be free from pain.  I talked to her all day with millions of tears flowing down my face.  I knew in my heart I would loose her that day. 

I am here missing my baby. 
Well, better get ready to leave for work again.
I have to take the profound saddness I feel now and put it on back burner.  People are waiting for me to help them.  I have to smile.  O.K.  here I go.

I MISS MY ANGEL, MY DEAR JEANNETTE

February 28, 2012:  Got up early and began my daily routine.  Running around the house making my coffee, ironing my clothes, etc.  I bumped into my coffee table and a picture fell out of a frame.  I picked it up and it just so happened to be a picture of Jeannette sitting down on her bed and smiling with that cute smile that only she possessed.  It was as if she was saying to me, "Hey Ma, watch your step."  I slowed down a bit and decided to actually sit down and drink my coffee.  I did as I looked at the picture and admired her beautiful full head of hair that she had before the chemo and radiation fried it and it fell out.  Then I looked at her pretty face with beautiful thick eyebrows of which the chemo and radiation managed to get rid of.  Finally, I looked at her big brown eyes with such long eye lashes that the chemo and radiation burned off.  I hate chemo and radiation with all my might.  I hate cancer.  I wish I could turn cancer into something that could hear.  I would yell at it and rebuke it for taking away my daughter.  I would stomp on it and I would get a big tool with big sharp knives on it and stick it over and over on cancer.   Yelling and crying and saying all that I have inside me to make it understand of what he did to my daughter's life and to her loved ones. 

I know chemotherapy and radiation are what most Oncologist doctors order for breast cancer.  But the rate and the dosage make a big difference in a person's body.  I know, I witnessed Jeannette's body.   The therapy she received was, in my strong opinion, unjust and was given at an unbelievable rate.  She believed in her doctors.  She was at their mercy.  I wonder if they sleep good at night knowing what they did.  After two years I still believe in my heart that it was done for monetary reasons.  Jeannette was told she would live up to three years..  She was diagnosed in May, 2008 and died September 3, 2009.   LIARS!!!!

SO HAPPY TO DREAM OF HER

Saturday and feeling happy today.  Had a beautiful dream of Jeannette.  In the dream she and I were eating mint chip ice-cream.  She looked so beautiful in her pink top and black shorts.  She told me she was very happy and that she was not in pain.  Best part of all is that she said to me that she was an angel to her children.  Then she left me as she faded away.  I woke up remembering her beautiful face and all her hair in curls with a big pink headband.  I got chills just knowing I finally dreamed of her.  Naturally, it put me in the happiest mood. 
Jeannette is in Heaven.  Missing her.  But today, I choose to be happy.  I am heading out the door now.  On my way to Baskin Robbins to eat mint chip ice-cream.  I will sit in my car and play her Celine Dion music and think of her. 

JEANNETTE LOVED HER LOLO

This painting reminds me of Jeannette and her daughter (Loreal ---aka---LoLo). They had a very loving relationship.  Jeannette would do anything and everything for LoLo.  She always made sure Loreal was well taken care of.  It was Loreal who took care of her mama's needs.  She cleaned the house and helped with whatever Jeannette needed.  I am proud of my granddaughter.  I hope she never forgets how much her mama loved her. 

I MISS HER HUGS

Had a good day at work today.  I had to orientate a new employee to our department.  During  our breaks the new employee started to feel comfortable with me and so she opened up about her mother dying a month ago.  That immediately made me think of Jeannette.  I talked about her so much.  I remembered what a loving person she was and how she never thought of herself and instead focused on her family.  My co-worker listened in amazement as I went on and on.  Then I pulled out some of my pictures of Jeannette and showed them to her.  Before long, it was time to go back to work.  The work day was completed at 4:30 p.m.  We both walked away with a smile and I knew I made a new friend in her.  She hugged me goodbye. 

I miss Jeannette's hugs.  They were good hard hugs.  She really showed me how much she loved me. 

SHE PUT ON A HAPPY SMILE FOR THE PUBLIC

This picture was taken before she knew she had breast cancer.  She was on the verge of divorce but managed to attend her husband's company picnic party.  She always tried to hide what was really going on at home behind closed doors.  Years later after her death some of her co-workers came forward and told me such horrific things Jeannette had told them about her marriage.  I was appauled to say the least.  Jeannette was the perfect wife but I guess that wasn't enough for her significant other.  He did not appreciate what a good wife he had.  She tried to leave on more than one occasion but her stupid father talked her into staying.  I shall never ever forget how he manipulated my daughter.  How can he sleep at night knowing what he did to her. 

I SEE HER IN MY DREAMS AS A BEAUTIFUL ANGEL

Beautiful Angel around us.  I dream of her spreading her wings around her children.  Protecting them, guiding them, loving them. She was called:  Jeannette, Jen,  Nettie, Nettle, Brunnetty, Mama, sister, auntie.  I miss you. 

FLOWERS FOR MY JEANNETTE

The last time I received flowers from Jeannette was on Mothers Day of 2009.  It was sent to me in a big box.  She called me that day and asked me if I had received them.  I told her yes and thanked her for thinking of me even though she was in bed and in pain.  That day she ran out of her pain medication and had to get enough strength to get up and drive to the drug store to renew her precription.  The drug store was out of the medication and sent her somewhere else.  She ended up going to three different drug stores to get it filled.  By the time she went home she was exhausted.  I called her and told her I would be down to her house on the weekend.  She sounded anxious and tired but did not forget to thank me for coming down to help her. 

I sure miss her so much.

HER CHILDREN HAVE AN ANGEL. THEIR MOTHER.

I thought of my Jeannette as an Angel that is always around her children.  In this painting I imagine her helping out her precious Loreal (LoLo).  Two years have gone by since she died but it seems like yesterday when I heard her asking me to help her.  I shall never forget my baby, my Jeannette, my beautiful loving daughter.

Loreal will always have her mommy to be her Angel.   

SHE LOST HER BEST FRIEND, HER SISTER.

Nobody understood Diana like Jeannette did.  They had a bond unlike no other.  Jeannette was showered with love by Diana.  They talked on the phone all the time and it was Diana who Jeannette called out for during her last days in the hospital.  Her dad walked into her hospital room and was prepared to stay but Jeannette told him she wanted Diana.  She loved her so much.  Even to this day, Diana is still grieving over her baby sister.  All I have now are memories of my Jeannette.  She is forever in my heart.

SHE DIED THREE MONTHS AFTER THIS

HERE SHE IS IN THE LAST PICTURE TAKEN AS A FAMILY.  IT WAS JUNE OF 2009.  EXACTLY THREE MONTHS LATER SHE WOULD DIE.

Look at her.  What a beauty.  Her body was collapsing.  The enemy was inside of her.  The breast cancer was traveling all through her bones, blood, etc.  It was multiplying by the second but look at her.  She is picture perfect in this picture.  She made sure to keep up her beauty so that her children would not be afraid of her.  I look at this picture and cry to myself because she endured so much pain.  Different kinds of pain.  Pain that hurt her body and mind.  Pain of loosing her children forever.  Pain knowing she was married to a garbage of a man.  Pain at knowing her father was manipulating her and filling her mind with negativity about her very own brother and sister and especially me, her mother.  I will forever remember all the injustice.  My Jeannette, I will never let them forget.  No, not never. 

SHE LOST ALL HER HAIR, EYELASHES, EYEBROWS BUT SHE WAS STILL SO BEAUTIFUL.

She lost all her hair so she bought a wig.  She lost her eyelashes so she bought some fake ones.  She lost her eyebrows so she painted them on. 
Jeannette fought a hard battle with breast cancer.  She never gave up hope and was determined to make not only her struggles with her appearance better but also that her children would not be frightened at what she really looked like.  I remember helping paint her eyebrows and even in the last days of her life, I painted on some pink lipstick on her lips. As tears flowed from my eyes then and as they are right now, I did everything to help my precious daughter.  She fought for our nation while in the Air Force and she fought for her life with breast cancer.  Fighting with all her might.  Never ever feeling sorry for herself.  She felt sorry for her children.  That they would grow up without a mother to be there for them.  To guide them, to show them, to love them unconditionally.  She cried in pain but shed more tears at the thought of leaving her daughter, Loreal, and sons, Mathew, Shane and Conner.  I pray they will know in time what a wonderful awesome mother they had. 

Jeannette's boys, my grandsons, Conner and Shane

Wish I could wake up this morning to a knock on the door.  It would be Jeannette with her boys.  I really miss seeing them.  I want them to know that grandma thinks of them everyday.  They are little boys and could be easily influenced by adults such as my ex and especially his wife.  She seems to think that she is biologically their grandmother.  The thing is that she has devious ways and is just trying to get back at me.  She only has one son and is seldom seen in his company.  She lives her lifestyle to the point where several months can go by and she doesn't even talk to her son. She chooses to focus on my grandchildren. 
I pray that my grandchildren will know in time how much I miss them and love them.  I look forward to the day when I can actually sit down next to them and tell them stories about their mom.  About what a wonderful loving mom Jeannette was.  More than anything she wanted her children to love me. 

Meantime, I wait as my ex and his wife fill these little boys with negative things about me.  Just like they tried to do with my other five grandchildren.  It didn't work.  God was on my side then and I have faith he is on my side now. 

DOWN TIME AT WORK, THINKING ABOUT JEANNETTE

Friday at work.  It was nice and not too busy so I had some down time.  Just thinking of Jeannette and remembering how she also worked so hard.  She never complained about her job because she had so many friends and so she looked forward to getting to the base.  She worked at the Channel Islands close to Oxnard, California.  Sometimes I would hear her conversations on the phone with her friends.  I loved hearing how much fun they all had.  She certainly was a classic awesome worker.  Nobody can ever be a "Jeannette" at work.  She was thoughtful and kind  and was always making herself available to help out.  I have been working for almost 35 years and this year I hope to retire.  I just want to be able to go and come whenever I want to.  No more rushing and meeting deadlines.  No more traveling to work in all kinds of weather. Wow, the thought is actually making me happy.  LOL

I PRETENDED SHE HAD GIVEN THIS TO ME TODAY

My day at work went real good today.  I pretended Jeannette gave me this valentine today.  I looked at her picture on top of my desk and it seemed like she was right with me in my office.  I miss her so much and even more on special days such as this one. 
I let her know how much I loved her when she was alive.  I have no regrets.  I don't cry asking myself why didn't I do this or that.  I did everything.

 Other people such as her dad who did not fight for her as I did, who partied a week after she died, who has never been there for any of his children or grandchildren, all of a sudden decides to post a picture of Jeannette in the Fresno Bee today and sending her a message about how much he misses her , etc. made me so sick.  He is feeling some kind of guilt now after two years.  Guilt for not standing up for her and guilt for disrespecting her as she lay there dying before his eyes.  If there is a devil among us on earth, I know it is him and his sidekick, (### wife).
How can a man live on this earth and wake up every morning and only think of only one thing." Money. "   He has never had a relationship with his son and daughter except when he tried to scam them during our day in court.  He thinks of only himself.  One day, real soon he will have to answer to God. 

I bet he has trouble sleeping because when he does he has nightmares of all the injustice and evil acts he has done all his life against so many people but especially his own children and grandchildren.   Oh, I forgot! He has no conscious. 

MY LAST VALENTINE FROM HER IN 2009

I had the Valentine's card she gave to me in 2009 and decided to take a picture with it and her picture I have on my desk at work.  This card is very dear to me.  It means more to me than anything I could possibly get on this occasion. 

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY, MY SWEET JEANNETTE

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

TO MY SWEET BELOVED DAUGHTER

THAT I MISS MORE TODAY THAN YESTERDAY

A HEART FOR YOU, MY BELOVED DAUGHTER

This heart is for my Jeannette. It will be Valentine's Day tomorrow.  I will look back fondly at all the memories we made together.  I will remember all the phone calls and the flowers, candy and cards she would send to me.  The sweet voice at the other end of the phone telling me, "Happy Valentine's Day".  She would go into detail about all the plans she had for her family.  She would stop at the bakery and buy her children, LoLo, Mathew, Conner and Shane some cupcakes with pink hearts.  She would buy something nice for her husband.  That's the way my Jeannette was.  She gave all her love to her family.  Oh, and she would not stop there.  She also would bring goodies to her co-workers at the base.  Jeannette was the poster child for Valentine's Day.  I could just imagine her beautiful face on a poster.  

LOVE FOR YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE MY HEART

They say change is good.  I have never been good at changes.  Emotions overtake me and I find myself sad.  The most profound change in my life came when I lost you Jeannette.  On September 3, 2009 you entered the gates of Heaven.  My days have been filled with millions of tears that I have shed for you.  I know you are free from pain and that you are rejoicing in God's Kingdom.  That thought in itself makes me happy for you.  As for me, I live one day at a time.  Some days are better than others.  I manage to find ways to cope with my grief.  Sometimes, I fill my home with grandchildren, friends and family.  Other times I play all the songs you loved and just stay in my room all alone looking at your pictures and reading the letters and cards you sent me.

That day is today......................................

HER CHILDREN NEED TO KNOW THIS

Sunday morning.  Just about ready to make breakfast for my grandson who spent the night with me.  I am thinking about my Jeannette and remembering how beautiful she was all her life.  Even as the breast cancer ravaged her body, she still put on her wig and painted on a little make-up to look presentable to her children.  She never wanted her children to cringe at looking at her.  She wanted them to remember her as a pretty mommy.  I cried last night because of the news about Whitney Houston's sudden death.  It brought back the grief that I still feel about my Jeannette. 

Jeannette lived her life so wholesome and clean.  She was in the military and was so proud to serve our nation.  She traveled all over this world.  She never abused drugs or alcohol.  Living for her children is all that mattered to her.  She loved them more than anything in this world.  Jeannette spent her last year of her life trying to make memories for her children.  She took them on an extended cruise and also to Disneyland, Lego Land and all the amusement parks that she could think of.  She was not thinking of herself and instead her main focus was her children.  I hope that they always remember that about her. 

She suffered through the most horrific pain that anyone can endure.  Her pain was worse than being burned alive.  It made her scream out in her last days at the hospital.  The management of her pain was not done right.  The doctors decided to ween her off all pain meds and focus on just one called Methadone.  They justified it by saying it was a long releasing medication that over the coarse of time would take the pain away completely.  WRONG!!  It did not do it's job.  Her body turned against her and it was as if a drug addict reacts without drugs.  The body reacts by shutting down and having spasms, sweats, trembling, headaches, vomiting, seizures, etc. all at once.  The Methadone was not the answer to her pain.  It complicated the pain.  She felt the pain in her birthing canal.  It made her go into childbirth pains.  Every five minutes she was pushing and screaming.  My baby was screaming for me telling me, "Mama, Mama, please help ME".   I was not in control of the situation.  I yelled out at the nurse asking them for pain meds.  One nurse told me it was not time.  I yelled out, "Get her the Fuck'n pain meds NOW!!!!!  She called the doctor.  I ran to the doctor and begged him to please help her.  He gave her a shot of heavy meds.  Jeannette stopped crying,  Jeannette stopped screaming.  Jeannette fell asleep.  I prayed.  I waited.  My baby was in her last days.  I am still grieving today. 

SHE GOT RETAIL THERAPY AND IT WORKED

I managed to put a big smile on my Bianca today.  Went out to eat and had good conversation.  I told her about her auntie Jeannette and about the heartache Jeannette experienced when she was a young teen such as she.  Bianca listened to me and did not say a word.  I kept talking and talking and she just listened.  After our lunch she asked me if  we could go shopping.  We did just that and like Jeannette long ago, she got excited about some clothes she had picked out.  It was a really cute black top and cute black skirt with a wide strip of red at the bottom.  So adorable.  Needless to say, I just arrived home and came inside content and knowing my Bianca is happy again and is going to her friend's birthday party tonight.  Little things in life can make people so happy.  Just by me spending time with her and letting her know I care made her feel so much better. 

THIS CHEERLEADER, MY GRANDDAUGHTER NEEDS ME TODAY

I just found out Bianca is going through issues and I kind of got information from her facebook page.  I am not sure what it is but when I called her she didn't want to talk about it.  Her voice sounded like as if she had been crying alot.  When she hung up on me I knew it must be serious because she never hangs up on me.  I texted her and told her I was here for her and if she wanted to just hang out to text me back.  Well, all of a sudden I got a text from her saying she wants to go shopping with me.  Maybe it's her way of dealing with whatever is bothering her.  I have a feeling it has to do with her boyfriend but I will not ask her any questions.  I told her I would pick her up at noon.  I plan on being there for her and maybe in the end she will open up to me and let me know what is going on.  I love her so much and it hurts me to know something is making her cry.  I remember all the tears my Jeannette shed during her battle with breast cancer and all the pain she endured.  I was there for her then and I will be there for my Bianca too.  As a mother and grandmother, I have dedicated my live to my family.  Maybe that is why I don't have a man in my life for fear he might complicate my dedication. 

I SHALL NEVER ASK MYSELF WHY DIDN'T I SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIM

That's me and my daddy with his friend, Shirley.  We had a great time spending time with each other yesterday.  My dad is happy and that's all that matters to me. never  I make sure to spend time with him.  He knows I love him.  It was fun to see my dad laughing and enjoying the Super Bowl Sunday with all of us.  Shirley makes him happy and that is so important to me. 

A WONDERFUL DAY SPENT WITH DAD AND SHIRLEY

Superbowl Sunday spent with my dad and Shirley.  Such fun and laughs along with Bianca and Shirley's grandson.  We ate to our hearts content.  There was even a peanut shell fight.  Shirley really is good at it. She threw one at me and it landed perfect.  We all laughed.  Dad is very happy and that is all that counts in my books.  He deserves all the happiness in the world.  Shirley is wonderful.  I know my mom sent her to my dad so that he would not be all depressed sitting in front of his window and rocking in his chair.  He is out and about and enjoying life.   This was one of those days where I just felt so happy. 

2003 at the Fresno Fair with Ashlee and Bianca

Time does fly.  This is a picture of Me and my granddaughters at the Fresno Fair in 2003.  They were little girls back then.  Loved  hanging out with me all of the time. They still do except not as much since they are so busy with work and school. Wish I could turn back the hands of time and bring back Jeannette as a little girl like this pic.  She was such a joy.  Now, as I sit here alone in my home I just received a call from Bianca.  Her blow dryer broke and she has no shampoo.  She sounds like she is in a panic state of mind.  Only 17 years of age.  Just like Jeannette would act when she had no more Aqua Net hairspray.  I remember her voice on the phone as I sat at my job telling me, "Ma, on the way home you need to buy me some Aqua Net hairspray or else I can't go to school."  I always managed to bring it to her.  Didn't want my baby girl to miss school.  LOL.

SHE WAS NETTY, NETTLE POODLE, JEN AND BRUNETTY

Long ago she had several nick names.  Her sister called her Chrissy Snow, Her brother called her Net, I called her Nettle Poodle and her best friend at work called her Brunetty.  She was loved by so many people.  Her friend at work was her best friend and she confided all her problems, experiences and ideas during the work day.  She would call me and tell me how she valued her friend and how supportive her friend was.  I was just glad she had someone to lean on because I lived so far from her and could not be there as much as I wanted.  When she got sick with breast cancer, it was her friend that accompanied her to most of her chemo and radiation appointments when I was not able to.  I am forever going to hold her friend in a special place in my heart. 

Jeannette's Grandparents and brother 1970

It was the early 70's.  My parents were young and they adored their grandchildren.  My mom died two years ago.  I remember my mother as being beautiful and so nice.  She kept herself up and always managed to find a way to get her hair done every week.  She took pride in herself and taught me to always love myself and be thankful for all that I have been blessed with.  I got married young and was so vulnerable and innocent.  My self esteem was very low due to mental abuse by my husband.  Sometimes I would call my mother for advice and how to escape all the abuse.  She prayed for me on numerous occasions.  Finally, after 17 years it was over.  I became the person I am today because of her.  When I look back at my life and see some of the pictures of me when I was young I realize I was not ugly like my ex husband made me believe.  I truly thought I was ugly.  This is me in my twenties.  What do you think?

BEN AND MARY GOMEZ, JEANNETTE'S NINOS

They came to visit their Goddaughter that summer in July 1972.  They were so loving towards Jeannette.  I remember Mary always asking me if she could take Jeannette for the week to her home in Lemoore, Ca.  She had four children that simply adored Jeannette.  They actually all fought to see who would be the first to hold her in their arms.  Ben died last year after a long battle with his condition.  Now he and Jeannette are together in Heaven. 

SHE WAS SMART, CUTE, HELPFUL,CREATIVE AND ABOVE ALL, SHE WAS MY BABY

Jeannette was a happy little girl as a child.  She loved riding her bike all around the block along with her brother.  They were very close.  She loved playing with her dolls and all the games too.  She also loved eating pizza and hamburgers.  Her school grades were good and I would always reward her with a trip to Me n Eds if her report card was good.  She never talked back to me and was very lovable.  She called me "Ma."  Even when she grew up and got married she still called me "Ma."  I miss her cute voice calling me on the phone.  Her best friends were Mona, Christina and Grace.  Her room was decorated with pictures of Billy Idol among other pop stars.  She loved music and always wanted me to play my music loud as we drove around town. 

These are my memories of my baby girl. 

MR. AND MRS. RICHARD BALDERAMA LONG AGO

I miss my mama.  This is a picture of her and my dad back in 1970's.  They were married for over 60 years.   I lost my Jeannette and my mom in the same year.  Life is a struggle now without them in my life.   I get so emotional when I talk about my mama.  She and I had an awesome relationship.  I respected her so much for everything she stood for.   She was strong and spoke her mind and never let anyone get her down.  Above all, she was a God fearing woman.  I know she is in Heaven with my Jeannette.

AT WORK AND THINKING ABOUT JEANNETTE

Today was one of those days when I just felt sad and just thinking of Jeannette.  I managed to get up and make my coffee and get ready for work.  It was windy and cold and I just felt like staying in bed.  I had to work at the front desk today due to appointment scheduling.  It was my bad hair day too.
I have friends at work that help me cope with these kind of days. 
Eight hours went by fast and soon I was on my way home. 

Another day without my Jeannette.  I miss her every single day.