MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MY JEANNETTE IN HEAVEN

 Merry Christmas to all my fans that read my blog.  It really means a lot to me that you all care to know about my Jeannette.  My MSgt. Jeannette will never be forgotten.  My heartfelt appreciation to all of you from around the world.  I pray that we find a cure for Breast Cancer so that beautiful, loving, good people like Jeannette will not die and leave behind children and a mother like myself that has experienced profound grief. 


People say, "Hey Gloria, why don't you just move on, afterall it's already over five years since Jeannette died."  


They do not understand the relationship I had with her.  They don't know how difficult it is to spend the rest of my life without her.  Especially holidays like today.  Memories fill my mind of all the previous precious times Jeannette spent on this earth.  She splurged on gifts for everyone and always hugged us ever so tight wishing us all a Merry Christmas.  How can I forget her.  Well never, ever, ever. 


As I sit here in my room on this Christmas morning and after witnessing the joy of my grandchildren opening their gifts, I am trying to cope with not having Jeannette here with me.  I bet if she was, she would have already made a mad dash to Star Bucks to get us coffee and Vente size.  Jeannette was always looking out for everyone and trying to make their lives better.  She had my blood in her veins.  That is a fact!

SHE WENT TO SEE HER GRANDPARENTS

  Great morning here in Fresno, California.  Time to finish up my Christmas shopping and prepare for December 25, 1014.  Time will be spent in Corcoran, California at my father's house.  He called me yesterday and stated he was lonely and wanted me to come over.  I live 50 miles away and had too much going on so I told him for sure I would be there on Christmas Day.  We talked on the phone for almost an hour.  Mama died in 2009 on Christmas Day and I think that is why my dad is feeling lonely.  Jeannette loved her grandparents so much that even though she was in pain and on so many medications, she made a special trip to Corcoran, California to visit them and attend their church.  Jeannette was welcomed with open arms by everyone as soon as she arrived. 


I am forever grateful for my Jeannette to have made such a trip. 

MISSING RENE

  Saturday night here in Fresno, California.  I wish Jeannette was here with us.  We are all comfy on the couch and drinking her favorite drink which was chocolate.   Watching a good movie just like we did years back in Jeannette's home in Thousand Oaks.  It was one of her favorite things to do.  I have a feeling she is welcoming my cousin Rene who died on December 3, 2014.  I always told Rene that if she were to go to Heaven to please hug my Jeannette and tell her how much I miss her.  I didn't realize she would die so soon.  Yesterday was her funeral and as expected, there were so very many people that knew and loved her in attendance.  I miss Rene so much.  Most Saturdays were spent with her.  She was so much fun to be with. 


Now, she is spending Christmas in Heaven. 

JEANNETTE LOVED HER DAUGHTER

There was nothing better that Jeannette loved than to be with her LoLo.  She was always worried about her even during her last days in the hospital.  She told me to check her appointment book and see if LoLo had a dental appointment.  I did and told her yes.  Then Jeannette told me to call Pat and remind him of the appointment to check LoLo braces.  I stood there in front of her with my body trembling as I watched her in so much horrific pain.  In the middle of the pain she would call out to me and ask if LoLo went to her dental appointment.  I reassured her that yes she had gone.  Jeannette wanted her daughter to have everything wonderful that life could bring.  Even it meant thousands of dollars on LoLo's teeth. 


During the months before and right after Christmas, Jeannette gathered all her gift cards that she received from family and wonderful friends and headed straight to the mall.  Walking ever so slowly and in slight pain at the time she made it to the front door of Macy's Department store.  Walking behind her was her LoLo.  I held onto Jeannette's hand as she made her way to the teen department of the store.  She picked out a top and pants and called LoLo over to see if she like them.  LoLo nodded no to her.  I looked at LoLo with a face as if to say "yes". 


By the end of the time at Macy's, Jeannette had managed to use up all the $600.00 worth of gift cards.  She spent them all on her LoLo. 


I pray that Loreal never forgets how much her mama loved her.  

RENE WENT TO HEAVEN TODAY

 At 9:48 a.m. my dear cousin Rene took her last breath.  Another loved one I lost due to breast cancer.  She was cancer free six months ago and had come to see me to tell me the exciting news.  I was so happy for her at that time however, later during and about a couple of weeks after, she started to feel tired. 


During the month of May she began to have headaches and pressure.  Then shortly after, her energy level had dropped.  She barely had enough to celebrate her birthday in June.  After June, something was always up.  She began to tell me how she was going in for tests, etc. 


Today, she is in Heaven and with my Jeannette.  I am so heart broken.  Rene was so special to me.  We were like sisters. 


So, here I am once again experiencing such profound grief.  So sad.

THANK YOU GOD FOR MY DAUGHTER

 I know Jeannette would have loved these cupcakes. 


Her very last Thanksgiving was in 2008.  At her request, we all gathered at her father's home for a Thanksgiving Day celebration.  As difficult and awkward as it was, I managed to be there only for her.  There was absolutely nothing that could keep me away from her. 


As I entered her father's home I immediately noticed my cabinet hutch that I had owned back in 1974.  It was pecan and elegant in any imagination.  He stole that cabinet from me but I put that negative feeling far away from my mind.  Afterall, it was Jeannette's day, her very last Thanksgiving Day and there was nothing or anyone that was going to ruin it for her. 


She sat down at the dinner table right next to me.  I watched her try to eat a little of the turkey and mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce.  Yes, she did try.  All her babies were seated at the table with her along with her sister, brother, nieces and nephews.  It was absolutely breath taking seeing her happy.  Totally happy.  I so wanted that for her on that day.


Now, 5 years later and the day before Thanksgiving, I think of her and feel thankful to God for giving me a wonderful, beautiful daughter to love even if it was for a short while. 


I am thankful for all my family.  For my Angels in Heaven.  Jeannette and my mom. 

MY HERO

  Jeannette loved her pearl necklace and earrings.  She loved simple but elegant jewelry.  Her beauty did not need much else to make her a shining light wherever she went.  Her presence was immediately recognized as soon as she opened the door.  What a stunning, beautiful daughter I had.  So proud of her and all her accomplishments in her young short life on earth.  My Hero forever.

HER FOCUS WAS HER CHILDREN

  It's raining this morning here in Fresno, California.  I already have had two cups of strong coffee to get me through the day.   Every morning I take my 8 year old grandson to school.  We have had such great conversations while in the car on the way.  He is a smart, amazingly curious little boy.  He is gentle and kind and loves me so much.  That is such a great feeling.  To have my children and grandchildren love me.  I could not ever wake up and not hear from them.  I could never go about my day acting like they don't exist and instead focusing on materialistic things in life.  The father of my children is that way.  He only lives five miles away from his daughter but has never been involved in her life.  I told my daughter that if she were to win the big lottery that her father would find a way to get to her.  His only mission in life has been money and whatever scam he has to invent to get it. 


Jeannette was nothing like him.  She had a heart of gold.  Such a loving and kind daughter that focused all her energy on her four children. 

Jeannette was a little girl in 1976

I wake up in the mornings happy to be alive and start another day that God has given me to spend with family.  My grandson came into my bedroom and asked me to tell him a story.  I asked him if he wanted to hear a funny one.  He said he wanted to hear one about his auntie Jeannette.  I have always had a way with making up stories in my head as I go along and my own children had the pleasure of hearing them too. 


It was a cold winter morning back in 1976 as I lay on my bed thinking about what to make for breakfast when Jeannette came and jumped on my big comfy bed.  She pulled my arm back so she could snuggle close to me and then asked me to tell her a story.  So, I proceeded to tell her one when her brother came into the room and immediately snuggled onto me on the other side of the bed.  He had overheard Jeannette ask me for a story so he wanted in on that too. They were 5 and 6 years of age.  Their older sister was 9 years of age and was busy taking advantage of the fact that her brother and sister were in my room so she quietly was in the kitchen eating her Captain Crunch cereal with nobody to bother her. 


I made potatoes, bacon and eggs and homemade fresh tortillas for the three of them.  Then off they went, my precious young children to make their beds and small chores around the house.  Later that day, they went outside to play.  My son got on his big wheels and off he went.  My oldest got on her bike and off she went.  Jeannette put on her orange clogs and pushed her doll and stroller down the sidewalk.  She looked adorable.  I actually found a picture of her with those orange clogs at her own birthday celebration.  She loved wearing clogs and later on wearing boots.  From an early age, she loved shoes.   Wish I could have kept those clogs. 

IT WAS HER TIME

I did things on the spur of the moment back in my younger years.  I would not have an agenda or plans.  Whatever the day brought me was o.k. with me.  Sometimes, I would get a phone call from a friend asking me to go with her to the beach.  I would pull out my suitcases from the top shelf of my big closet and start packing and yelling at the children to start packing too.  Everyday for me was not planned.  I never thought about time.  Time didn't really mean anything important to me.  As long as I had my children and was having a fun time with them was all that I needed back then. 


Dreading Monday mornings all of the time.  Getting up rushing into the shower and calling out the children to get up and get ready for school.  We all would run to my car and off we went.  Dropping two off at Easterby School and the older one at Kings Canyon Middle school.  Last thing I would say to them as I drove off in a rush to work was, "Love You."   As long as I made it to work on time and all my children in school was what was important at that time in my life.


Time went on, I got older and wiser realizing that plans had to be made.  Goals had to be met.  Life was all about the quality of time spent with loved ones.  No more rushing here and there in the spur of the moment.  My children grew up and had families of their own now. 


Time is important.  I realized that much more when Jeannette was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She didn't have much time left.  Time was the most important thing in her life.  She spent it wisely by having her children be the centerpoint of her life.  At times, it was too much for me to witness how she focused more on making memories with them instead of her health.  It was her life, her time and that is what she wanted. 


I respected all her wishes.  Afterall, her time was running out.




 It ran out on September 3, 2009.

SENDING HAPPY BIRTHDAY WISHES TO HEAVEN

This first week of November, 2014 has been an emotional time for me.  Jeannette's birthday was November 5th.  Scattered all over my bed were pictures of her.  Moments back in time of her as a baby and all the way to her end of life.  I picked up each picture and my mind took me back from 1971 to 2014. 


She would be 43 years now if Breast Cancer would not have taken her from us.  It was so very sad to see her in such horrific pain for over a year trying to win her battle.  What a warrior she became.  She would set aside her pain and focus on her children by helping them with homework, etc.  I was there in her home witnessing what an awesome mommy she was to her four children. 


We all went to visit her gravesite on her birthday.  Her brother, sister, nieces, nephews, grandfather, aunties and uncles.  Each and everyone of us had special moments with her.  I was emotional and felt awful walking away back to my car leaving her there.  It felt like I was abandoning her and it made me sad. 


Jeannette lives on in spirit.  I am currently wearing her pink robe and slippers as I write this post.  I am also drinking from her coffee cup that says, "Breast Cancer Awareness."  It calms me somewhat when I have something of her.  The robe feels like she is hugging me.  Her slippers feel like she is soothing my feet and her coffee cup feels like she is nourishing me.  Such love coming from her things that I cherish with all my heart.


I love my daughter more than anything in this world. 

A PAINTING REMINDS ME OF HER

 This painting reminds me of Jeannette before she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was so beautiful.  Big brown eyes, black thick hair and full lips.  Jeannette dressed sharp and always wore her pearl earrings.  My baby was charming, loving and compassionate in all that she did.  It was easy for people to take a liking to her.  Jeannette had a welcoming attitude her whole life.  Even in her toughest times and in pain, she welcomed her friends to spend time at her home. 


Jeannette was amazing as a young mother of four children.  Three boys and one girl.  Her life was dedicated to them.  They were her priority and she spent hours during her last months organizing their things so that after she left to Heaven that they would find things easily.  Like birth certificates, school supplies, etc.  She was in pain but managed to get it all done in time.  I am proud of the mother she was. 


One day in July of 2009, I had to leave her bedside due to my mother having open heart surgery in Visalia, California.  I hated leaving her but she understood and told me to give her grandmother a hug.  Right after Jeannette died, my mother died too.  She died three months after Jeannette.  It was so painful for me to lose my daughter and then my mother. 


Five years have come and gone.  Time has helped me with the grieving process however, I will say this, there are times that I just break down and cry over and over.  But, I get over the crying and go on taking care of the rest of my family.  My son, daughter, father and grandchildren.  I love them with all my heart.  I try not to dwell on the fact that my ex has no communication with them and only lives less than five miles away.  He is getting old and almost in his 70s  and I know one day he will regret all the hurt and pain he has caused my family.  That day might be his last. 

JEANNETTE'S GRANDPA

 This is my dad doing what he loved.  Preaching in honor of "Pastor Day" at his church.  He is retired now but preached to honor the new preacher.  It was wonderful being there sitting in the humble church located in Corcoran, California.  Hearing my dad preach so articulate in English and Spanish.  He used his bilingual skills due to some of the young people in church do not understand Spanish. 


While in church yesterday, I thought about Jeannette and remembered the last time she was in church.  It was 2008.  She stood in front alter surrounded by all the congregation.  They prayed such heartfelt prayers to God for her healing.  My mother was praying and crying for her.  I stood next to Jeannette with my arms around her.  After the praying was done she told me that she felt all the love from each and every member of the church.  Later that night on the way home we stopped in Hanford, California and had a big burger, fries and coke.  She was in a positive mood.  It was a happy time for both of us. 


Jeannette had a great relationship with her grandparents.  Her grandmother died only three months after she died.  Her grandpa is alone now as well as I.  I miss my Jeannette and my mommy. 

MY LITTLE GIRL

Thoughts of Jeannette playing with her new Christmas gifts that Santa had brought her.  She loved the little ironing board and would iron her little doll's clothes for hours.  Her little doll was always with her.


 Wish I would have kept the toys but I remember selling them at a yard sale when she was older and was not interested in dolls anymore.


 She loved reading books and playing with her older brother.  Racing their bikes each day down the bike path that was in back of our house.  They both would walk into the house and run into the kitchen and to the Fridge.  Searching for drinks and yummy food that I had prepared for them in anticipation of their return from hours of playing and riding their bikes.  Sometimes, they would ask for a pizza.  Of coarse I said o.k.  

SUNDAY MORNINGS WITH MY LITTLE GIRL

   Long ago and many many years ago, I was a young mother of three. Sunday mornings were my favorite.  Relaxing, drinking coffee, reading the paper and most importantly available for any of my children who just wanted to snuggle with me.  Jeannette was always up early and would make a beeline straight to my bed and into my arms.  Those times were the best.  I would tell her little stories that I would make up as I went along.  She loved them and really believed the stories about dogs and kitty cats that could talk, etc. 

JEANNETTE WAS WELL ORGANIZED

 Leaves begin to fall once again as the season is about to change.  Time to get out my winter clothes and hang them up to be ready for the cold weather. Everything has a time including clothes.  Now, my summer shorts, tops, bathing suits are about to disappear into big plastic bags. Oh, and all those sandals and flip flops too.


 It saddens me to know my dear Jeannette is not at her home preparing for the fall weather with her children in mind.  She was organized and kept her house neat and tidy.  I guess she got that from me.  She remembered being a little girl growing up in Fresno.


 When she was a toddler we lived on a street called "Normal" and then after that we moved to a street called "Emerson" and at last we moved to a street called "McKenzie" in Fresno.  In all three homes I had everything organized and tidy.  I had to because afterall, I did have three young children.  I sure loved being a mommy to them.


One cold winter day in 1972 our PGE power went out during our dinner time.  The children were seated at the table eating an enchilada casserole and salad when all of a sudden the lights went off.  Jeannette was still a baby sitting on her highchair and immediately started crying.  I reached over to small table next to me and opened the top drawer to get out the flashlight that I had placed there for such an emergency.  Then I opened the second drawer and pulled out big fat candles and placed them on the table and we all had light.  My precious baby Jeannette stopped crying and began tossing her enchilada bits from her plate.  I was happy.  Best of all, I really felt so smart to have prepared for an emergency such as what happened that day..


All three children realized that it is in the best interest of all the family to be well organized.   

HER BASKET WAS FULL

Already October 7, 2014.  The days are going by faster the older I become.  Yesterday, I was at the Fresno Fashion Mall shopping and sort of lost my energy so I sat down on a bench and rested for awhile.  I noticed so many young woman walking with their children and thought about Jeannette.  It's just not fair that she is gone and is not out and about with her children.


 She absolutely loved shopping.  During her last months on this earth she would wake up in the morning and say, "Ma, get ready, let's go shopping."  It certainly makes me smile when I think of her laughing with me and for quick moments forgetting she was dying. 


At the entrance to the stores she would try and reach for a basket but her energy level was very low so I would get in front of her and pull out the basket for her.  She wanted me to get one for myself.  She would say, "Ma, get anything you want."  Pobresita mija, she loved me with all her heart.  Of coarse I didn't put anything in the basket but instead followed her around the store without her knowing.


 She stopped in the children's section and browsed at the winter gear and put several items in her basket  then she would move on down to the teen section and search to add to Loreal's wardrobe.  She turned around and spotted me looking at her.  First thing she said was, "Ma, you haven't found anything for you."  I smiled at her and didn't say a word.  She was lost in her "Loreal World."  Just trying to find something cute for her LoLo.  She asked me about a bright green polka dotted top for Loreal.  I said, "No, mija, LoLo doesn't like polka dots."  She put the top back on the rack and pushed her basket to the candle section.  By that time she was exhausted and said to me, "Ma, can you take me to the car and come back and pay."  I said yes and at the same time my eyes got watery just looking at her.  She looked like a 90 year old lady all hunched over and walking so slow.  I really wanted to cry but knew if I did it would make her feel sad so I didn't. 


On the way home she turned on the radio.  Music was blaring and Jeannette was singing as loud as she could.  Breast cancer was not going to ruin her day.  Afterall, she had six shopping bags full of things for her children.  She knew she would put a smile on their faces. 


Gosh, all this memory of her made me cry right now. 

ANOTHER MONTH WITHOUT MY NETTLE

Last day of September 2014.  Another month without Jeannette. 


Life is a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You may not get what you want, but in the long run you will get what you expect.


A good life is a collection of happy memories.  My mind is filled with so many beautiful memories of Jeannette. 


Happiness is the experience of living a life you feel is worthwhile.  Yes, it certainly is.  I have ten grandchildren that I love very much. 


Love yourself and give away, all the love you can today.  That is exactly what I do everyday.  My life is centered around my family. 


It is better to earn the trust and respect of one of your children, than to gain notoriety and adulation of the masses.  WISH IT WOULD SINK INTO HIM.

SHE LOVED HER CHILDREN

I remember many years ago when Jeannette lived in Fresno and had Loreal and Mathew.  One day I happened to be in her neighborhood and just popped in to visit and chat with her awhile.  She was busy caring for Mathew.  He had a slight cold at the time and nothing could sooth him more than his mother's arms.  She held him close to her as she talked to me.  Mathew was so adorable and more than anything, I wanted to hold him in my arms.  He would not have it.  He loved his mommy and didn't want to let go of her. 


This is such a great memory of my beloved daughter.  She loved her children so much.

SOMEDAY

Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle that fits them all.- Denis Waitley




Monday morning and up early taking my grandchild to school.  He is a fine young boy of eight.  An obedient, curious, lovable child of God.  He has only one grandmother which is me and a great grandpa who lives in Corcoran, California.  However, he does have a grandpa that lives only 5 miles from him but has never had a relationship with him.  The grandpa chooses to live his life gambling and partying.  He is almost 70 years of age and has not once stopped to reflect on his life and see all the sins he has committed in this world. 


Fortunate to have children that are the complete opposite of their father.  Jeannette was loving and kind and nurturing to her children.  All four of them.  She worried so much about their future.


Thanks to God for Jeannette, Daniel and Diana that they have a loving heart and not self centered and sinful. 

MY DAUGHTER

  Sending millions of hugs and kisses to Heaven. That is where my beloved daughter is. 


Missing my Nettle Poodle.

FIVE YEARS AGO TODAY

On this day five years ago my beloved daughter lost her battle with breast cancer.  She left us all with such beautiful memories of her.  She had such a sweet sounding voice that always had something positive to say even in the most stressful times.  Her big brown eyes caught the attention of so many people and even during her last hard fought battle in August of 2009 they remained so beautiful.  Big and bright. 


Her children were the most important in her life and that is why after grueling radiation treatments she would come home and make them a big dinner, help them with homework or just sit and listen to them as they discussed their days events at school.  She worried about Loreal and who would be buying her school clothes after she died.  Also her oldest son Mathew who was rebellious at times and just couldn't cope with his mom being sick.  Shane was emotional when he would sit next to his mommy and Jeannette made sure to comfort him.  Conner, the youngest was not old enough to understand what was really going on but all he knew was that he wanted to be with his mommy. 


I miss Jeannette so very much.  Time has gone by too fast and it feels to me like it was just yesterday that she died.  I cope by writing about her on this blog.  It actually has saved me from really going into deep grief. 


Free from pain, my baby.  Free at LAST!!!!

MY MIJA

  As I go about my day here in Fresno, California I think of Jeannette and how she was back in 2009 in the hospital.  How sad to remember her just laying there in that uncomfortable hospital bed in a room that was  stuffy and hot. Several nurses took turns checking up on her and writing notes on their PCs.  I sat there looking at Jeannette and for any sign she might have made to tell me she was awake.  It never happened.  The pain medications administered to her were getting higher and higher levels.


 Hospice charge nurse would come in and direct all her attention to Jeannette's husband.  I got the impression that she just wanted it all to end and maybe that is why at Jeannette's husband's request she administered higher dosage of pain meds.  I put two and two together and realized that the higher the pain meds, the faster the heart had to pump.   It was not fair.  I was mad and wanted to scream and yell at them but I knew I would be told to exit the hospital.  I couldn't let that happen so I kept my mouth and emotions to myself.  Six days later she died. 

MY DAUGHTER, MY HERO

How sad to wake up each morning knowing that my beloved Jeannette will never call me again.  Damn, I miss those days before 2008.  She called me everyday or else I would call her and to top it all off, we called each other just to chit chat, talk about nothing.  Just to hear each others voices.


 I remember pulling over to a side street as I was driving down Blackstone Avenue in Fresno, California back in 2008.  She was crying so much that her words were not coming out right.  After finally composing herself, she said to me, "Ma, I have breast cancer and the worst kind."  I froze with fear.  My words were also not coming out right due to shock.   With tears flowing down my cheeks, I managed to say to her, "Mija, I will be there just as soon as I pack my bags."  Jeannette needed me more than ever.   I was determined to be there for her and I was. 


Today marks 5 years that she was admitted into the hospital in Ventura, California. 


Her last hospital stay.


Died September 3, 2009.

SHE NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO GO BACK HOME

  Thursday morning on this beautiful day in Fresno, California.  Time has gone by too fast.  At this time in 2009, Jeannette was in Ventura Hospital.  It would be her last.  Before she was admitted she called me saying:


She got up to straighten out the living room, kitchen and bathrooms.  Picking up magazines off the couch, placing dishes in the dishwasher, placing clean towels in the bathroom and wiping down the sink.  Then she fed her two cats and her dog, Matches. 


Pain set in again so she walked into her bedroom to get her pain medications that were on her night stands.  Her animals walked beside her.  When she bent over just a little to get her pain medication bottle she felt a sharp pain in her lower back.  She sat down on her bed and proceeded to take her medication.  Another sharp pain again.  Another after that.  Then the pain was happening in her vaginal area.  It was as if she was having labor pains.  She reached for her phone and called me.  I told her to call for ambulance. 


That is the day she went to the hospital and never came back home ever. 

Ma, I LOVE YOU!

 She opened her beautiful big brown eyes as she lay in the hospital bed.  I immediately noticed and went to her bedside to get a closer look.  I said, "Hi Mija."  She opened her mouth and whispered to me, "Ma, I love you."  It would be the last time she would ever speak to me.  At that point in time I didn't know.  It was a magical moment for me. 


She is in Heaven now and free from pain. 

FLOWERS AND CANDLES

  The night was full of energy.  People walking, talking, laughing.  Some walked arm in arm with  loved ones, others walked with their pets and yet others walked alone just like she had chosen to do.  Her days had been filled with negativity all day long.  Phones ringing non-stop from people at her place of employment or from family members who were worried about her and wanted to just hear her say she was doing good.  One phone call from her mother was what she wanted.  She knew her mother was working and at exactly 5:00 p.m. she would call. 


The phone call she had waited finally came through.  It was her mama.  Her sweet voice asked her how she was doing.  She told her mama she was o.k. just waiting on results of a bone scan.  Her mama told her she would be there in Los Angeles on Friday just as soon as she got off work.  After they talked for almost an hour it was time to say goodbye.  She hung up the phone and walked to her room that had her two kitty cats sleeping on her comfy bed and her little dog on a rug on the floor.  Her room had so many many bottles of medications sitting on the night stands on both ends of the bed.  It was time to take her pain meds.  For some unknown reason, she decided to not take the pain meds and instead, she changed into some cutes jeans, t-shirt and her tennis shoes. 


She opened the front door of her home to fresh air.  It was almost 7:00 p.m. as she made herself out into the streets of Thousand Oaks, California.  She walked to the end of the street and then to the left of the street and then to the right of the street.  Ending up in front of an adorable Candle/Flower shop.  The aroma of the candles and flowers greeted her entrance into the shop.  She sniffed each and every candle, held up the most beautiful flower pots and admired the décor of the whole shop.  It certainly took her pain away for that moment in time. 

CUTE SHOES

She was born in 1971.  My little pretty baby girl.  I bought these cute shoes for her.  She kept wiggling her tiny feet on the bed as I putting on her shoes.  Her father was not pleased that I spent $3.89 for the shoes saying, "Why did you buy shoes for a baby that doesn't even walk." 


1971:  In Corcoran, California and at Jeannette's parent's home.  I had given her a bottle of milk and changed her diaper.  She was in her small crib when she started to cry.  I immediately sprung to my feet and was about to go check up on her when my mother-in-law told me, "Let her cry or she will get used to being in arms."


1976:  In Fresno and at K-mart with the whole family.  Jeannette wanted a coloring book with crayons.  Her father said, "Just draw some pictures on a plain piece of paper and we can buy two crayons at the swap meet."


1980:  She was 9 years of age and she along with her brother and big sister sat in front of the house waiting for their dad to pick them up and take them to the park.  Waited and waited.  He never came.


It was the beginning for broken promises made to the children by their dad. 

SHE NEVER GOT HER MINT CHIP ICE-CREAM

 Jeannette is missed so much.  I remember August of 2009 at around this time of the morning.  She was sitting on her hospital bed looking out the window at the traffic and the stores across the street.  I asked her what was she thinking about.  She said she craved some baskin robbins ice-cream. "Mint Chip", she said.  I told her I would go across the street at noon and get her some.  She smiled.  At noon I went and got her a big scoop of  mint chip ice-cream but when I went into her room she was fast asleep.  I didn't know what to do with the ice-cream that was melting away in my hand.  So, I ate it.  She woke up 20 minutes later and asked me about the ice-cream.  I said to her, "Mija, I will run over right now, o.k."  She smiled and so there I went, running across the street again and dashing back to her room.  This time she was wide awake.  As I was about to give it to her, the nurse came in and said she was NPO all day due to an exam later.  She never got to eat her ice-cream.  Now, when I think of her sometimes I go to Baskin Robbins and order a mint chip ice-cream, sit in my car and listen to Celine Dion songs.  Her favorites. 

TAKE YOUR PULSE

 Monday morning, August 11, 2014.  Thoughts of Jeannette five years ago.  At this time in 2009 she was in the hospital and in pain.  I wish to God I could have taken away that pain.

CHRISTIAN SKYY TURNED 8

This is Jeannette's nephew named Christian Skyy.  His birthday was yesterday however, he has been partying since Thursday.  His big sis took him to movies and lunch on Thursday.  Friday, I took him to breakfast and shopping for new games for his Xbox.  Today, party for him which includes swim, barbeque, piñata,  He is loved so much by all of us. 


Now that he is 8 years of age he says to me that he is not a baby and now a "Boy".  So darn cute the way he says things to me.  I know if Jeannette were still alive that she would be involved in all the planning of his big birthday party today.  She loved him so very much.


He knows of his auntie even though he was only three years of age when Jeannette died.  Reason is because I tell him all about her.   

OUT OF BED NOW

August of 2009 was a very bad month for Jeannette.  Her breast cancer advanced into her spine and she experienced the worst kind of pain any human being can  endure. 


Today, as I sit here in my office and at my desk I try and write something positive in this blog to make me feel better.  I have been in bed for three days now.  Just getting up to eat or use bathroom.  I have not been answering phone calls or text messages.  I know it is not good for me to be this way.   This morning I put on my tennis shoes, shorts and top and went out for a walk.  As I walked passing homes along the neighborhood I shed a few tears.  Walking helped me to get out of this depressive feelings.  I walked for almost two miles gathering my thoughts and trying to think positive.  I guess it really helped because now I am up and writing again about her.  I have energy that had left me three days ago.  I am determined to keep positive about my life now.  Jeannette is in Heaven and in no pain. 


Tomorrow is another day.   It will be a happy day due to my grandson's birthday.  He will be 8 years of age.  He loves playing games on his electronic gadgets, my phone and his sister's phones.  Sometimes when I see him smiling at me I see Jeannette.  She had a sweet smile.  He hugs me hard like Jeannette did.  My grandchildren are what makes me so happy and glad to be alive. 

I WAS A PROTECTIVE MOTHER

Today is the last day of July, 2014.  Another month ends without her.  There are days in my life now that when I think of her I either cry some or smile.  It's all in the memories that come to my mind.  Remembering today about how she was as a little girl.  I guess I must have been over protective because I remember making her hold my hand most of the time especially when we went out to the shopping centers, etc.


 Today, as I was shopping in a discount store I came across a little girl that must have been about 5 years of age.  She was alone and in the middle of a store isle crying her head off.  I stopped and questioned her as to where was her mommy.  She said she didn't know so I gently got ahold of her hand and told her I would walk her to the cashier and see if she could find her mommy.  She was trembling and kept shedding tears as we approached the cashier.


 The cashier was nice and announced on the intercom that there was a little girl lost and would the mother please come up to the station 5 cashier station.  I waited with the little girl.  A boy that looked to me about 12 years of age came up and yanked and pulled  the little girl's hand and said, "Boy, are you gonna get it." "Mom is going to spank you when we get home."  Then he walked away with the little girl.


  I stood there and thought to myself what kind of a mother would do something like that.  If it was me I would have ran right up to Jeannette and held her and wiped her tears if she would have been lost.  That incident was disturbing to me and as I drove home I thought about Jeannette and how much I loved her and wished to God she was a little girl again so I could have her in my car.


 Of coarse all strapped down on the car seat. 

BLESSINGS

What a beautiful day the Lord has given us.  It is Monday and there are so many things going on this week but first of all I want to wish my family and friends a day full of blessings from God.


Yesterday as I hung out with my daughter, Diana we couldn't stop talking about Jeannette.  Diana told me that Jeannette loved it when she went to visit her in Thousand Oaks during her battle with breast cancer.  They got a chance to reconnect and discuss their lives, etc.  It was a good trip. 


We miss Jeannette everyday of every year.  She never leaves us. 

TRUTH BE TOLD

I was moving things around today and happened to come across a box full of things from Jeannette's funeral in 2009.  As I sat down to read her obituary I realized it's packed with so many lies.  The person in charge of giving information to the newspaper at that time was her father.  I guess he thought nobody would ever find out all the lies but here I am exposing them all to the public.  Jeannette deserves this honesty. 


In red is what was written and my response is in black. 




Jeannette Hanrahan passed away peacefully at the age of 37 on September 3, 2009, with her husband and parents by her side.


Jeannette Hanrahan passed away in pain, her heart was beating at a high rate of speed due to the pain medication that was unjustly given to her at higher doses than normal all at the request of her husband and father.  Her husband and father and step mother were not at her bedside as they were off and away from the hospital until the Hospice nurse called them because the time was getting close.






Jeannette is survived by husband Patrick and children Loreal, Matthew, Shane and Conner.  Her father, Daniel Rocha, second mom, Petra Rocha, mother Gloria Balderama, brother Daniel Rocha and wife Marisol, step-brother Richard Hernandez, sister Diana Rocha and many nieces and nephews.  In-laws Tim and Colleen Hanrahan, Brian and Shaun, Shannon and her husband Luis Magana.  Jeannette will always be remembered as "Daddy's Little Girl."


Jeannette is survived by her children, Loreal, Mathew, Shane and Conner.  By her mother, Gloria Rocha, her brother Daniel and his wife Marisol and children, Jacob, Nicholas. She is also survived by her loving sister, Diana and her children, Ashlee, Bianca and Christian and many loving Balderama family members. 


All the rest of the people that were mentioned did not give a shit about her.  They went on about their lives during her battle with cancer and never supported her or came around to offer help.  Jeannette didn't like her in=laws.  Never did.   Jeannette's father and step mother went along with whatever Patrick Hanrahan said.  They never questioned his authority during Jeannette's last days in the hospital.  She was not "Daddy's Little Girl."  She was a grown woman and was smart enough to know all her dad's scams, etc.  She moved far away from him to get away and not be like him.  Jeannette's step-mother was not her second mom.  She was nothing to Jeannette.  Jeannette complained to me about how her step-mom would make faces when Jeannette needed her help, etc.  


The people that truly loved her were her Balderama family and her friends and co-workers. 


Jeannette might be forgotten by her husband and his family, her father and his wife but not by me.  I think of her everyday.  I hope to see her in Heaven one day.  She just might tell me, "Ma, thank you for telling the truth. " 

SHE WAS FIVE

It was 1976 in Fresno, California.  As I held her little hand while walking into the mall at Fashion Fair she said, "Mommy, I am big now and can I pick out my dress today."  She was five years of age but had the mind of an older child and maybe it was because her older sister and brother were a big influence in her young life at the time.  She let go of my hand at JC Penny store and ran over to all the pretty dresses, tops and shorts hanging on the racks.  Picking out a pink dress and almost pushing it onto my face she said, "This one mommy, I want this one."  It was exactly her size.  A size 6.  I took a quick look at the price and noticed it was marked down from $15.00 to $10.99.  Jeannette pressed the cute pink dress close to her little heart and said, "Please, Mommy."  Of coarse I bought it and she wore it to church the following Sunday. 

4th of July without Her.

Tomorrow will be a day of celebration.  Fireworks, etc.  For the past five years I have spent 4th of July without my Jeannette.  It is bittersweet because I will be out enjoying the day with my family but Jeannette will not be with us.


Missing her so much.

MA, LET'S GO TO THE BEACH

It's already hot here in Fresno, California.  I am currently sipping on some cold sweet tea as I sit here entering this post on my beloved Jeannette's blog.  Yesterday was unbearable as the temperature reached 107.  Wish Jeannette was here with me because I know she would be telling me to pack up cause we are going to the beach.  She loved to travel and see the world.  I would make every excuse for not being able to go and she would not hear of it.  She insisted on it and I always gave in.  There is nobody here on this earth like her.  She was unique. 


Missing my Nettle Poodle

A TRUE WARRRIOR, MY DAUGHTER

My hero, my Warrior, my daughter, Jeannette.  She went to war to battle breast cancer.  kept all her appointments, took her medications and followed every detailed advice of her doctors.  She did it all for only one reason.  For her children.  Leaving them broke her heart into tiny pieces.  During her last days on this earth and as I sat next to her in the hospital in Ventura, California, she kept saying to me, "Ma, I don't want to leave my babies." 

WORKING FOR MY BABIES

Valley Medical Center hospital. A hospital in Fresno, California that is closed.  It sits on the corner of Cedar and KingsCanyon.  Empty lots surround the property.  I remember when I could not find a parking as I arrived to work every morning at 7:00 a.m.  I began my career working for Fresno County in 1978.  My first job was working on the sixth floor.  The Labor n Delivery and Post Partum part of the hospital.  It was full of type "A" personalities.  Doctors, nurses, supervisors, lab techs, x-ray techs, social workers, etc.  I was right smack in the middle of the scene.  Being yelled at was part of my job description.  Nurses yelling out to me, "Call Dr. Lacroix STAT!!!!!


All rooms were full so the nurses had patients in the hallways.  The younger patients were screaming in pain and I was on the phone paging a doctor.  Numerous forms had to be signed by the patients and I had to stand next to a screaming woman and wait until she stopped for a few seconds to have her sign on the dotted lines. 


The supervisors were very strict and would not allow staff to take more than one break per day.  When I called in sick one winter morning, my supervisor was upset with me for staying home with my sick little girl (Jeannette).  She asked me if there was anyone else to take care of her.  I told her I would call her father to see if he could come over and take care of her.  I did do just that and he said to me that was a mother's job to stay home with sick child and then he hung up.  In all the years that I worked, he never ever came through for me and lend a helping hand with the children. 


Jeannette needed me then and I made sure to be there for her even if it meant being written up by my supervisor.  I had my priorities straight. 


When I pass by this ghost of a hospital I get goose bumps just remembering all the crap that went on during those years of 1978 to 1996.  50% of the people that worked there had compassion and heart and the other 50% were mean as hell.  They gave me plenty of reason to hate driving into work.  Oh, and when I couldn't find parking I drove home.  LOL.  home to my babies. 

I HATE BREAST CANCER

Wednesday, June 19, 2014.
Here is a pic of Jeannette and I that I cherish because it brings back memories of her as my baby.  I was over protective with her.  Never wanting anything to happen to her.  When she would fall I would run to pick her up and hold her in my arms.  As she grew and became more independent it was so hard to let go.  I cried when she announced she enlisted.  I just realized right now that I spent a lot of time crying about her.  I cried when she left home, when she got married, when she had her babies, when she came visit me, etc.  Never ever have I cried as much as when the terrible news that she had Breast Cancer.  The worst was when she was in pain and I could not help her.  I CAN STILL HEAR HER CRYING OUT TO ME!!!!  My precious daughter, my pride and joy, my everything. 


I HATE BREAST CANCER!!!!

MISSING HER SO MUCH

It's a hot Sunday, June 8, 2014 here in Fresno, California.  I walked into a market this morning and immediately found out the air conditioning in the place was not working.  Walked out and into the mall.  Nothing in my life could be worse than having my beautiful daughter die.  I miss her so much. 

FREE AT LAST

Tuesday morning here in Fresno, California.  Just finished my daily chores and now sitting here writing this page on the blog while drinking my coffee.  There is nobody here to tell me to get off of it or to tell me that I am ugly and that nobody wants me.  There is nobody in my life now that can manipulate me and as much as they should try, they will never succeed.  Nobody controls me, humiliates me, degrades me and my family or curses at me.  It took years of abuse before I put a stop to it.  During those years, I didn't know it was abuse.  I thought if he didn't hit me hard then it was o.k..  I was told I was not pretty and when I look back at the pictures of me during those years I see that I was beautiful.  I was told my cooking was awful and disgusting.  Nobody tells me that today.  They all love my cooking especially my homemade tortillas and salsa.  I was blamed for anything and everything.  Nobody does that to me now. 


It took years of abuse but I am glad to say that right now and on this day I feel free.  Free at last. Free from all the pain. 


Now I have a life. 


Sad to say, my Jeannette witnessed it all.  Maybe that is why she also thought it was normal to be abused.  Pobresita mija

ON THIS MEMORIAL DAY OF 2014

On this Memorial Day of 2014:


Jeannette was proud to serve our country.   Thank you to my beloved daughter.  You are missed everyday. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.


You left behind four children that you cherished.  It was hard for you to let go and leave them.  I know how much you cried at the thought of leaving them during your battle with breast cancer. 


I could fill an ocean with all the tears I have shed since your death on September 3, 2009.




 You left this world but your spirit lives on. 

COFFEE IN MORNING

"Ma, do you want a cup of coffee?"  was the very first thing she said as she opened the door of her beautiful home located in Thousand Oaks, California.  Just to be able to arrive at her home from Fresno, California was a big thing to me.  I was absolutely nervous driving thru the grapevine and weaving around all the winding roads with so many cars going faster than the speed limit.  I naturally said yes to her.  I needed that cup.  A strong one at that. 


My world as I knew it had suddenly taken a turn for the worse with the news that my youngest daughter had breast cancer.  I was a wreck.  Crying all the time and feeling depressed and not knowing what to do or whom to turn to.  My daughter, who lived so far away from me was slowly leaving me.  She had invasive breast cancer at last stage.  I wanted to quit my job and be by her side helping her in anyway I could.


Jeannette's main focus in life at the time was her children.  She wanted them to remember her so she went on a journey of making memories with them.  She hardly rested and was always up either driving her children to school or taking them to dental appointments, etc.  I could not get  through to her.  She insisted.  I have never known a mother like her.  She was a warrior.  Battling cancer, taking care of her home and especially her children.


I remember one night during my stay at her house, she asked me to sleep with her.  She wanted me to hold her like when she was a little girl.  I held back tears as she nestled herself  gently in my arms.  I prayed To God to please cure her of cancer.  She loved having me so close to her and fell asleep for  a couple of hours.  She woke up to extreme pain.  We both cried together.  Before long it was morning again.  I got up to make her oatmeal(bena) and coffee. 


She loved her coffee.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

Jeannette was pregnant with her first baby.  She called me early morning while I was working and told me to go to St. Agnes hospital because she was being admitted and wanted me there.  During her nine months of her pregnancy she put in a lot of time making sure the crib was set up and everything she needed was in place. 


When the time came and she gave birth to Loreal, she cried tears of joy.  It was love at first sight for her.  She loved her baby and immediately called her LoLo.  The most adorable baby in the nursery. 


She was an awesome lovable mommy to her LoLo.

MEMORIES OF HER AS A BABY

Jeannette was born in 1971 on a cold November day.  I have great memories of her as a baby.  Just wish I could go back in time and hold her again.  Babies don't last long and before you know it, they are toddlers and then begin school and before long are away from home either in college or military, etc.  Time goes by so fast.  It has been almost 5 years since my beloved Jeannette passed away.  The love I have for her shall never leave me.




A beautiful morning in Fresno, California.  Wish I could be here holding Jeannette and showering her with love. 

MARY'S LITTLE LAMB DAYCARE WAS THE BEST

It's Saturday morning here in Fresno, California.  A beautiful morning indeed.  The two birds that I fed a week ago are perched up on my fence along with about 15 others waiting on me to throw out some food.  Birds are smart.  They know when there is a good thing going on.  People are so different.  Sometimes it takes years to realize what a good thing they had.  Time has a way of bringing everything into perspective.  Sometimes I wish I would have never worked and just have been a stay at home mom to my children.  Jeannette, Daniel and Diana would have never had to experience the incompetent babysitters that were hired.  One sitter actually kept Daniel outside all day in the hot sun.  I was at work thinking they were being well taken care of and indoors and out of the hot weather.  When I arrived home from work I found Daniel crying outside.  His face was red and had sunburn marks on his shoulders.  He said that the babysitter was inside with her boyfriend.  I immediately fired her and told her she would not be getting paid.  Then and there I called "Mary's Little Lamb nursery school and enrolled all three.  I didn't hear their father yelling at me about the cost.  I chose to ignore it.  I am happy to know Jeannette had a great time there.  She was the teacher's favorite.  When I went to pick them up after work they hesitated leaving due to so much fun.  I am proud to say I stuck to my guns and kept them there.  The place is still open after all these years.