Thank You to all my fans on my blog from around the world. Thank you for giving to me your time to read my blog about my beloved Jeannette. This blog has really helped me to cope with the loss of her. In the beginning it was so difficult for me to put words in writing because I was emotional and could not cope with her loss. It was years ago that I started to self medicate with this blog. I do not quite understand it but just writing about her really has helped me. So again, thank you all from the bottom of my heart. MAY 2016 BRING YOU ALL THE HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD. Tonight a group of close friends will meet up to help ring in the new year. Last year I stayed home but made a vow to myself to never do that again due to all the gun fire when the clock struck 12:00 and the new year rang in. Tonight, I will be enjoying my friends company and listening to music and especially not hearing the gun fire.
Jeannette loved celebrating New Year's Eve and would call me on January 1st and tell me all about the fun she had the night before. I know she will not be calling me tomorrow morning so I made up my mind to think positive. I will imagine Jeannette in Heaven with Jesus and rejoicing and especially in no pain. My daughter will be smiling.
I will smile tomorrow morning when I think of her.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Happy Thanksgiving to all my family, friends and especially all the people from around the world that read my posts. I give thanks to God for allowing me to be Jeannette's mother even if it was for such a short time here on earth. 2008 was the last time spent with us at Thanksgiving in Fresno, California. I can still see her smiling face at the dinner table that hid her profound pain she experienced 24/7. She wanted so much to have her whole immediate family gathered around her at the dinner table and so we all did that for her. I sat next to her and noticed how she smiled and just moved her food around her plate with her fork. She thought nobody noticed that she was not really eating anything but I did. I never let up and told her that I noticed and I definitely did not encourage her to eat. That alone would have blown her cover and she would have got emotional in front of her children and I sure didn't want that to happen. I cried inside me instead. I will say this, she was a perfect picture of beauty on that day. Wearing her favorite jeans, top and boots as she made her way to the dining table. If a stranger would have walked in and seen her they would have never guessed she was dying with breast cancer spreading like crazy all over her body. God kept her beautiful on the outside. 
Yesterday was Melanie's third birthday. She is my youngest grandchild. We had a very nice party planned and as time got closer to the joyous event, the rain started falling and eventually turned into a very big storm with lightening and thunder. I drove slowly down Blackstone Avenue due to the heavy rain. My grandson was in the backseat and said he was scared. I told him it would be over by the time we got there but it sure was a long way to go. We finally arrived at our destination which was "Chuckie Cheese" in Riverpark area of town. Melanie ran to me and hugged me. We had a great time, eating, laughing, singing happy birthday to her and seeing her open her presents with such excitement.
Sunday morning and feeling great after drinking my second cup of coffee. Ran out of coffee creamer so I drank it black. At first it tasted bitter to me but then after the second cup I really enjoyed it. It's the same with almost all things in life. Especially life changes. It was so damn hard for me full of grief in 2009 after the loss of my beloved Jeannette however after six years I have used tools to help me with grief. This blog is a lot of help for me. I will never totally be without grief but at least I can cope now. Yes, at times it hits me hard but then I write about my feelings and somehow, someway, I feel better. 
All day today I thought about all the birthdays she had as a child, teen and until she died. When she was 7 years old she asked me for a pizza party and roller town. I managed to do it. She invited her friends and then came home to tell me she told them it would be a slumber party. I had planned on just the pizza party and roller town but o.k. it would be a slumber party too. All I wanted was for her to know how much I loved her, how much we all loved her and would do anything to make her birthday the best for her. 
She was born today, November 5, 1971 in Fresno, California. A cold winter morning at 7:00 a.m. or there about. A beautiful pink and fat little baby was placed into my exhausted but loving arms only seconds after her birth. She opened one eye and looked at my smiling face and then shut it back down. The nurses wheeled me into room 6004 bed one and proceeded to gently cover me with warm blankets. They had taken Jeannette to the nearby nursery at that moment in time. I slept for an hour and when I woke up I called the nurse and asked her if I could see my baby. Soon I had my baby girl in my arms again. I examined her fingers and counted five on each of her tiny hands and then her toes and yes, she was all healthy and beautiful. A day later, an office assistant came in to ask me about me about my baby's name. I said yes and replied, Jeannette Eileen. I made sure to remind her of the spelling. Then I went back to cuddling with my baby. I loved her so much and still do. She is not a baby anymore. But in my heart she will always be my baby. 
If you have real, internal value, you don't need a loud, expensive imitation. It is not what you get that makes you successful, it is what you are continuing to do with what you've got. Identify with excellence, put your name on your work, and both your work and name will stand the test of time. It is not so much what a job gives you, it's what you give to the job. Give your best effort, because you are worth your best effort. 
It is the start of October Breast Cancer Awareness month. A month being pro-active and getting my mammogram and encouraging friends and family to do the same. 
Thursday evening here in Fresno, California. My grandson told me that they couldn't run and play at school today due to the smog. It is actually all the smoke from the big fires that have not been fully contained. The air is bad here in the valley and today I chose to stay home and get busy doing some closet cleaning. I pulled out all my summer clothes in preparation for the winter. I remember Jeannette always being super organized. She even had her garage organized too. Jeannette was good at so many things but above all else she was really great with people. Such a beautiful woman inside and out. 
Six years ago today, her heart stopped beating. I was there next to her and needless to say, became extremely emotional. My daughter lost her battle with breast cancer. The type of cancer she had was the worst kind. It was invasive and mean and destroyed her body so fast. It took her breast then it entered into her lymph nodes, etc. She was a warrior, fighting so hard to live. Going to all her chemotherapy appointments, radiation treatments and taking so many kinds of medications including the most potent pain killers. Through it all, she still managed to gather enough strength to take her children to school but that was in the beginning. She always worried about them and constantly asking questions about theirs lives after she died. I kept telling her she was not going to die but she knew. It was obvious after the doctors told her the end was near. 
Six years ago today was the very last time she would go to the hospital and never come back home. Breast cancer was knocking at her door and anxious to take her away from her family. She had such hopes in the beginning of her admission to the hospital. I remember receiving her phone call that she was just getting another MRI to check about the extreme pain in her lower back. I immediately went to Ventura and to the hospital to be with her. The MRI could not be completed due to her anxiety so they brought her back to her room and rescheduled for another day. She sat up on the hospital bed and looked out the window saying she so wanted to walk out and get fresh air and maybe eat an ice-cream with me. Then the pain started and just would not leave her. The nurse exclaimed to us all that she could not administer another dose of pain medication because it was not time to do it. Meantime, Jeannette was crying in pain and squeezing my hand so tightly when the sharp pain would come. 
On August 8, 2015, Christian turned 9 years of age. It was such a joyous time held at Johns Incredible Pizza. Christian is Jeannette's nephew. I asked him about the money he received and he said to me, "Grandma, I am putting it into my savings account." I opened an account for him when he was a baby. He has always known that the money saved is for his education. I have told him that grandma might not be around by the time he goes to college and that he needs to save for it. He is such a good little boy. Smart, funny as heck, lovable, etc. A little boy that has never known his grandpa even though his grandpa lives in same town and only miles away. He doesn't dwell on it and instead cherishes all the love we all give him here. He had such fun on his birthday and received many presents.
It is early morning and I am about to get ready but first thing I do even before I get out of my comfy bed is to thank Jesus for giving me this beautiful day. I always start my mornings with coffee. One day not too long ago, I was in a hurry in the morning and didn't have time to make coffee so off I went in my car. Within an hour, my head began to hurt and all of a sudden a migraine headache came on. My body was craving coffee. Thank God the secretary at the office I was in offered me coffee. After I drank a bit, my migraine headache was gone. 
Thursday, August 6, 2015. A somewhat hot morning here in Fresno, California.
Fresh and early morning here in Fresno, California. Getting ready for work and in such a positive mood. Starting my day with Jesus on my mind. I think of Heaven and wonder what my beloved Jeannette is doing. I know she is rejoicing in God's Kingdom and just that fact alone makes me smile. I know she is not in pain. 
Thursday night here in Fresno, California. The house is quiet except for the sound of my fingers typing away this post. I thought about Jeannette today as I do every day and remembered how she was before breast cancer took her life. I just wish everyone in this world would have known her. She could put a smile on your face even if you were having a bad day. Jeannette had a heart of gold. Carefree and living happily in Thousand Oaks, California. Working and taking care of her four children. Her focus in life was her family. I cherish the times we spent together just hanging out and laughing and at times crying laughing. She was funny and could make a joke out of anything. I remember going to the movies with her and afterwards laughing all the way home just talking about parts of the movie. 
Monday evening here in Fresno, California. Far away from Heaven where my beloved daughter resides. I miss her everyday and think of her often. Early this morning and on my way to work I happened to reach into my closet shelf and out popped her pink slippers. As I reached down to pick them up I remembered doing the same thing while she was here in this world. I would bend down and put her frail feet into her pink slippers and then would help her get off of bed and slowly guide her into the bathroom. She wore her slippers often as they were her favorites. That is one of the reasons I cherish them now. 
There she was in the Chemo room. The youngest person in the room. As she sat there quietly thinking about her life she made a few comments to me. 
It's 4th of July today. A day of celebration, fireworks, barbeques, family gatherings, etc. All this and more but without my Jeannette by my side. I miss her so much and often go into my memory bank and think of all the previous 4th of July times with her before she died. 
Look at her, she is so beautiful in this picture. No breast cancer at that time in her life. No issues, no problems. A loving wife and awesome mother at the time. Working for United States Airforce. 
Jeannette would at times as me if I would ever forget about her. "NO" absolutely not I would answer her. Why would she even think I would ever forget. Everyday I think of her and always wish she was here with me. If she only knew everything that has happened since she went to Heaven in 2009 she would be happy for us. Her nieces would make her so proud of all their accomplishments. Education is always on their mind. They have set goals for themselves and are on a relentless pursuit of it. Plus they have jobs and have excellent time element. Jeannette's nephew, Christian is learning how to swim and goes with me everyday to the park to run and play and just be a little boy like he should be. I make sure to guide him and teach him just like I did with his two sisters. Jeannette is in Heaven but her spirit lives on in all of us that she so loved. 
Sometimes it is so hard for me so see the good in certain people. It is better for me not to mention names on this post but they just so happen to be reading this post they will realize it is them. Five miles is the distance from my oldest child's house to her father. 5 miles, and he has not attempted to communicate with her in almost 6 years. Before that it was 10 years. They did come to together during Jeannette's battle with breast cancer. It was in short spurts that he interacted with her and almost always in a negative manner. His own flesh and blood. 
Yesterday was a very hot day here in Fresno, California. After thinking about it for weeks I had come to a very important decision in my life. It was time for me to dye my hair dark brown and I was determined to do it all by myself. After shopping at Walgreens and standing in front of the hair dye section of the store for a good five minutes in a trance of some short, I picked up the box. Yes, the box with the real pretty lady with dark brown hair on the cover. 
Everytime I see this picture it reminds me of my mother and how much she wanted to go see Jesus. She was anxious during her last hours of life here on earth. We witnessed her right arm reaching up as if to get ahold of God's hand as she lay in her hospital bed. It was the evening of December 25, 2009 when she died. My mom is dearly missed and especially during this time. May 31st. will be her birthday. A birthday she will be spending in Heaven and exactly where she always longed to be. Missing her so much.
This is a picture of my beloved mother. Jeannette's grandmother. 
12 days ago I was misdiagnosed by a doctor and prescribed meds that had no effect and so I went and got second opinion and my doctor was right, it was not a spider bite on my face. Now on the way to recovery and praying no scars. What an emotional time for me not knowing what was going on with my face. Thanks to God I am doing well. During my days filled with anxiety I thought about Jeannette. She was first diagnosed with a pectoral muscle inflammation and given anti inflammatory meds. After a month she was not getting better and so she confided in one important person in her life, ME. She came to me on Mother's Day and after touching the lump I begged her to get second opinion ASAP. She did, and that is when my whole world came tumbling down. She had breast cancer and almost end stages. Her remaining days on this earth were filled with love for her children. I pray they never forget how much their mommy loved them. 
Happy Mother's Day! 
On this Monday morning in May, 2015, I look out the front window of my home and wonder how everyone that I love is doing this morning. I pray that my granddaughters are not too anxious about college finals and also think about my daddy who happens to be almost 88 years of age. I pray he is waking up with no bone pain and is already eating his morning breakfast. I think about my grandchildren and wonder how Loreal is doing in college, how Mathew is doing in military and how the boys, Shane and Conner are doing in school. I also think of Jacob, Nick, Christian and Melanie. Hope and pray they are happy and having fun today. Most of all, I think of my son and daughter and my beloved Jeannette. I wonder how mornings are in Heaven. I do know she is very happy with God.
Start of another new month. Once again I am without my Jeannette. I wake up without her and I go to sleep without her. Nothing can bring her back to me. I can cry all day long but she will not come back. I can stay home and feel sad or I can do as she would like me to do. Go out and enjoy life with family and friends. Tonight I am heading out to celebrate a friend's birthday. 
I was Jeannette's first best friend. We had a bond like no other. She had a good sense of humor and that made it easy for me to make her laugh all the time. We shared many happy and eventful moments together as she grew. As a young teenager at times I would find her in my closet searching for the perfect top to go with her new jeans she planned to wear to school even though she had plenty to choose from in her own closet. Sometimes I would catch her trying on my shoes even though she was a size 6 and I a 7. At times I would find her in my room just laying on the comfy bed reading a book or talking on the phone. She was a beautiful young teenager and had several friends that admired our relationship. During her teen years we both developed a passion for tasty hamburger and fries. We went to Wendys, McDonalds, etc. Her favorite was Jack in the Box. Ordering her usual, Jumbo Jack, fries and strawberry milkshake. Then we headed out to Manchester Mall located in central Fresno. She and I both loved shopping and trying on clothes. Most of the time we bought a cute top or shorts and we were happy. Little things in life made us both happy. We never went anywhere extravagant like on a cruise or fly out to other states, etc. We did go to the beach at Santa Cruz, Pismo and to San Francisco. Had a blast and yes, we laughed so much. 
Easter is right around the corner and a time most families get together. As I begin to make my phone calls to relatives, cousins, etc. there is one fact in mind. The fact that I will not be calling Jeannette to join us. 
Beautiful day here in Fresno, California. Just finished rearranging my kitchen which only consisted of placing the microwave oven on opposite side of counter and coffee pot right under the coffee supply cabinet. As I get older I notice that things have got to easier for me as I go about my life. I park my car closer to the grocery store but then sometimes further away to get in my daily exercise requirements for my age. I look down wherever I walk in order not to slip and fall. I drive in slower lane of freeways believing that it's safer to drive. 
I am proud of Jeannette for so very many reasons especially her time served in the United States AirForce. She was strong and loyal and dependable when she served all over the world. 
Sunday morning on this first day of March, 2015. Another month starts without her. Time has helped me with my grief. 
Her Valentines Day blanket to cover her gently as she rested. The times spent with her were very precious to me. 
Wish it was November 5, 1971. My beautiful baby was born that day. Jeannette Eileen was such a blessing in my life. From the moment I brought her home I knew she was all that I needed to feel loved. She depended on me for everything and it was a joy to do it all for her. My baby was the world to me. If I could go back in time I would not have gone to work so soon and instead I would have been a stay at home mommy to her. 
Sunday afternoon and feeling good having the whole family around me. Family is everything to me. Five of us were in the kitchen this morning cooking up a big breakfast for the whole family. Everyone pitched in to help. My granddaughters are amazing young ladies and are always eager to help in any way. Just a few weeks ago we had all gathered to celebrate Diana's birthday. Beautiful memories were made. 
When you go, if you go, and should want to die, there's nothing I'd be saved by more than the time you fell asleep in my arms in a trust so gentle
Lately doing part time work interpreting all around Fresno, California. My assignments take me to all parts of this town that I live in. My days are not so filled with grief over my precious daughter's untimely death and instead my mind is occupied with vocabulary words, medical terminology, etc. It is a good thing to use whatever tool is available to help with my grief. It means I get up extra early, get ready for the days assignments. 
1969: My baby girl Diana. We have had an amazing relationship from the day she was born which was January 25, 1967 to today.
Had an amazing and wonderful birthday on January 9th. It certainly was a day to remember. My son took me out to a wonderful lunch and as always, we had plenty of laughs. Came home to a pink birthday cake sitting on the dining table. It was homemade by my granddaughter, Bianca. My best friend Annie, baked me a cherry cake too. Later that night our whole family met at Yoshinos for dinner. I am truly blessed to have had such fun. The only thing missing that would totally complete my happiness is Jeannette. She is missed so very much. 
Wednesday, January 7, 2015. Here I am in my bedroom and at my desk thinking about Jeannette. It is 2015 and already close to 6 years that she died and went to Heaven. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her. She left this earth with so many memories. She was an amazing woman who adored her four children. Her life was centered around them.