MY NETTLE POODLE, 2008

When I look at this picture of her it brings back happy memories of us being at the Fresno Fair in 2008.  I can't believe that two years have past.  On November 5, 2011 it will be her 40th birthday.  She died way too young.  I still do not understand how and why she got cancer.  The thing that bothers me most is how come it was diagnosed so late.  She must have felt a lump long before and I wonder too how her husband could not have noticed it.  I remember that about six months before she was diagnosed she called me and said she had a terrible case of the flu and had been sick for a week.  Then, after that she said she felt tired all the time and that her wrist and right arm was in pain and she thought that maybe she injured herself at work.  When she came to Fresno on Mother's Day she just did not look well.  I noticed she was taking several pain pills and just wanted to rest.  I asked her if she had gone to the doctor.  She said that the doctor at Kaiser told her that her pectoral muscles were causing the lump on her chest.  She told me to check and I did.  What I felt was a very hard lump and my mind was racing as I was trying to control my emotions in order not to scare her.  I calmly told her to go to a different doctor because she needed a second opinion.  She did and that's when all Hell broke loose.  I have never been the same.  Loosing my Jeannette has had such an emotional  impact on my life.  I know that it has been two years since she passed but to me it seems like she just died yesterday.  It hurts.  The hurt is the kind I can't even explain.  I know she is in Heaven and that comforts me.  Here on earth I am just her mom missing her so very much. 

2011, two years later. This is her second son, Shane.

Shane

It's been two years since his mommy left his life.  Shane was the child that was the most emotional during the last days of Jeannette's life.  He cried so much and Jeannette cried too.  She did not want to leave her Shane.  She wondered if he was going to be o.k. after she passed.  Well, so far, so good.  He looks healthy and happy here in this picture.  I love him so much. 

Mr. Ron Balderama with his wife Maria.

It was on Christmas Day that my beloved mother passed away in 2009.  This is a picture of my brother and his wife after the funeral.  He is such a God fearing man.  He has a great testimony about his life.  Goes to church and writes his own songs and plays guitar.  He sure is blessed.  I can count on him for anything.  We are very close. 
He loved Jeannette so much.  She was very close to him because when she was a young child he lived with me.  He always gives me good advice.  I love my brother.  God Bless him and his family.

JEANNETTE LOVED HER MONA AND SITA.

MONA AND SITA

These young women happen to be two of Jeannette's best friends. She had so much fun growing up and having them in her life.  She never forgot them when she got married and moved away.  She talked about them to me during one of several times her and I had a chance to be alone and talking about her life.  She cried and said to me, "Ma, I hope and pray they never get breast cancer."  So two years have gone by.  She is in heaven now.  I know Mona and Sita will never forget her.  After all, they were best friends.  God Bless them.

CHRISTIAN WEARING THE COSTUME HIS AUNTIE JEANNETTE GAVE HIM.

It was Halloween and it was 2008.  Jeannette drove down to Fresno and even though she was not feeling good, headed to Diana's house.  She had a surprise for Christian.  A chicken costume for him to wear.  He was so excited and cried to put it on as fast as possible.  Look at his face.  He is absolutely happy.  I love my grandson.  I miss my Jeannette.  She had so much love for all her family.

LoLo, Time to Gather her things and move to Fresno.

It was only months after Jeannette died that Loreal decided to move to Fresno and to be with her dad, Monty.  She was overwhelmed with emotions and did not even know how to get started and pack her belongings.  She stood there with tears traveling down her cheeks.  It was a very hard decision to make.  Her mother had asked her to stay in  Thousand Oaks and help take care of her brothers who really needed her.  As much as she put effort into staying, she just could not get along with her step dad.  He has an explosive temper and if you provoke it or do something to make him angry he goes into his monster moves.  Loreal moved back with her loving dad and visits her brothers as much as possible or they come to Fresno to visit her.  Loreal was the apple of Jeannette's eye.  She loved her LoLo so much and would do anything for her.  I am confident that Jeannette would understand why LoLo moved back to Fresno. 

I LOVE MY LOREAL.

2008, A Time of Emotions

It was during one of many visits to Thousand Oaks to be with Jeannette that this picture was taken.  As you can see I was with my LoLo.  We were outside taking this picture.  I looked a mess.  Didn't care about anything about me.  What mattered to me was being there for Jeannette.  She needed me.  She asked for special dinners and I prepared them.  She asked me to drive her into town and I did it.  She asked me to bring her a glass of water and I brought it to her.  Whatever she needed or asked for, I was there.  I loved doing it too.  However; during the last days in the hospital she asked me for help and I could not help her.  She cried out to me in pain.  "Mama, please help me."  I cried so much because I could not take the pain away.  It makes me cry right now just thinking about it.  Her life was slowing slipping away but in a horrible sense.  Here was my baby girl and I, as her mom, could not do nothing except hug her and cry.  I shall never forget this.  Never.

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

My beautiful grandchildren. 2009

It was November.  Thanksgiving Day.  Loreal stopped by with her dad to Diana's house.  It was only two months after Jeannette died.  Exactly 20 days after Jeannette's birthday.  Ashlee and Bianca and our family was there to comfort Loreal in anyway we could.  Just looking at this picture makes me happy to know we brought out a smile on LoLo's face.  God Bless my grandchildren.  All of them.  Ashlee, Bianca, Loreal, Mathew, Jacob, Nicholas, Conner, Shane and Christian.  I love them all so very much. 

Mathew. Jeannette's Oldest son.

Within two years Mathew has grown so fast.  He is tall and handsome.  I miss him so much.  He is my oldest grandson.  Someday I hope he will come to Fresno and visit me.  Jeannette loved him so much. 

Jeannette's baby. Conner.

Conner is growing so darn fast.  This is his latest picture.  His smile gives me hints that he is doing fine and he looks happy and healthy.  That is all I want for my grand kids.  Jeannette cried so much for having to leave her children.  She spent as much time as possible with them.  Took them on cruise ships, Disneyland, etc. before she died.  She is their guardian angel now. 

Mathew and Shane, 2011. Two years later

Here they are.  Jeannette's two of three boys.  As usual they are horse playing around.  Two years have passed and within two years they have grown so fast.  Mathew is so tall now and in all kinds of sports at school.  Shane was the one child of Jeannette that got emotional during the time she was battling cancer.  He cried so much for his mommy when she died.  Mathew cried too but he could handle the situation better than Shane.   Shane loves soccer and going to school.  He says he wants to be a doctor.  Mathew is undecided at this point in time.  I wonder where Conner was when this picture was taken.  I really miss all of them very much. 

SHE IS UP IN HEAVEN AND IN NO PAIN

Ashlee was up in the foothills and a distance away from Fresno when she took this picture.  She was out enjoying a nice drive with her friends.  I took one look at this picture and loved it.  I Look at it and my imagination goes wild in my mind.  I know Jeannette is out there in Heaven and in no pain.  I know she is with my mom rejoicing with God.  She left to Heaven on Sept. 3, 2009.  It was a trip that she could not back down from.  The cancer made sure to take her every breath.  The cancer made sure to make me suffer at loosing her.  The breast cancer that invaded her body will someday, somehow be dealt with.  We will find a cure.  We will all win the battle with this demon monster of cancer.  One day soon, a young mother of four will find out she has breast cancer and a quick shot or medicine with kill it on the spot.  Just like when I use Black flag to kills ants.  They die instantly.  So will this damn cancer.  And the young mother will be free of cancer and her mother will not suffer at loosing her like me.  I pray with all my might that they find a cure. 

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

SHE SMILES AT ME JUST LIKE JEANNETTE DID

I know that if it wasn't for Ashlee being here with me I would be at the deep end of depression.  I miss my Jeannette so much and so when Ashlee gives me this look with that gorgeous smile it totally brings a smile to my face.  I see Jeannette in her.  She has a heart of gold just like Jeannette.  She lives with me just like Jeannette did before she went to the Air Force.  Ashlee loves to cook.  I hear her in the kitchen chopping away.  Chop, chop, chop.  The aroma of healthy food fills the air.  She gently taps on my door and opens it.  There she stands with a big bowl of Chinese salad with chicken strips.  She runs back to the kitchen and brings back a healthy drink that she made from scratch.  I look at her and ask myself what did I do to have God bless me with this amazing grandchild.  Jeannette did the same thing.  Sometimes when I least expected it, she would make me the sopa that looks like shells and a big pork chop.  She too would run back to the kitchen and bring back a big tall glass of Pepsi.  I used to work the P.M. shift at the hospital so I slept till about 10:00 a .m.  Jeannette would always make sure that I ate before I left for work.  I remember one day she packed me a lunch.  When it was time to eat it I opened it and she had made me a sandwich.  Also, an apple, orange and best of all my pink cupcakes that I love.  To this day, I still enjoy eating those same cupcakes.  Matter of fact, Ashlee surprised me at work last week.  She brought me a surprise and guess what?  Yes, a pink cupcake.  They are those snowball cupcakes.  She happened to be on a work break and instead of resting she headed to the local Seven/11  store and brought it to me. I love my Ashlee and I am glad she is here to comfort me and support me. 

I know her auntie is proud of her.

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

HER FAVORITE COLOR

This pretty pink teddy bear makes me think of my Jeannette.  She loved the color pink and when she was a little girl I bought her a pink bear.  It's a typical Saturday morning.  The sounds of birds chirping away bring a kinda happiness to my being.  The weather is beautiful on this October 22, 2011 day.  In two weeks it will be Jeannette's 40th birthday.  On November 5, 1971 a gift from God was given to me.  It was my beloved Jeannette Eileen.  She had the most amazing face.  Her cute little nose with her big brown eyes focusing on me as they gently put her in my arms for the first time.  She had a head full of jet black hair right from the start.  I cried tears of joy that day.  I was glad to be over the extreme pain of giving birth and I also cried because I was blessed to have my beautiful healthy baby in my arms.  She was the best baby in the world.  Very smart and ate all her food and slept all the night through.  I miss my Nettle Poodle.

On my way to see Jeannette in 2008

October 18, 2011.  How fast time passes in our lives.  It seems like just yesterday it was 2008 and I stopped for coffee in Kingsburg as I was heading out to see Jeannette.  I was anxious to see her and to help her in anyway I could. 

Two years have gone by.  Two years without her.  Two years of profound grief.  A grief that is indescribable.  It is a grief that is with me 24/7.  I wonder why it happened that she died so very young.  On November 5, 2011, she would have been 40 years of age.  She would have been in her prime of life.  I have lived to be 20, 30, 40, 50, 60.  I have no clue as to why the cancer came and took her from me.  Her battle with cancer was fought hard.  She believed every word that came out of her doctor's mouths regarding their plan to get her well.  She endured several rounds per week of chemo and several radiation treatments three times per week.  I was trying to make her understand that they were poisoning and burning her slowly.  She didn't listen to me.  Who was I.  After all, I was just her mother and not a professional doctor.  What I witnessed at the end of her life could be made into a horror movie.  They made her go cold turkey when they cut her off all pain medications and put her on a pill called methadone.  I can still hear her screaming to me, "Mama, Mama, please help me." 

Until you experience my life and what I have had to deal with, you will never understand my pain.  My grief, my anger, my disgust at all those that hurt my baby girl.  NO, not never will I forget all the injustice.  NOT NEVER.

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

HER MARRIAGE WAS ON THE ROCKS. SHE SMILED FOR THE CAMERA.

Jeannette was always head strong.  When she made up her mind about anything she went full force into her decision.  This time it was different.  She was in an emotional state of mind.  Her marriage was on the rocks back in 2007.  The cancer had not entered her life yet.  She worked hard at keeping her marriage alive.  Such distress, such a mess but she kept on and on trying to make it work.  The man that she had fallen in love was not the same.  He was verbally and physically abusive to her. 

On this particular day it was a picnic at his job.  She looked stunning.  Such a pretty wife doing everything he wanted and with a smile on her face.  If she would have called me and not her dad that day I would have told her to leave him and move back to Fresno.  Instead her dumb ass dad told her to stay with him and gave his reasoning by saying that she would end up on welfare if she left him.  How stupid is that.  She made way more money than her husband.  But, unfortunately, her dad had an amazing kind of hold on her brain.  It worked.  She stayed in that marriage until April of 2008.  The final hit had happened.  She filed for divorce.  He began to try to win her over by taking her and the kids to Hawaii.  She came back determined to end the marriage.  One week into looking for an apartment the cancer struck her.  It was not until she came to see me on Mother's Day that she realized the lump on her upper chest had to be checked.  I told her to go see a doctor.  By Monday it was confirmed, she had breast cancer stage 4.  It was the most difficult days of my life.  Seeing my Jeannette suffer with so much pain and knowing she did not have the full support of her husband.  She cried so much to me abut her children and how much she did not want to leave them.  To this day I have pain knowing I couldn't do a damn thing about this vicious cancer.  I couldn't do a damn thing about her husband's decisions.   To this very day of October 17, 2011, I am grieving for my Nettle Poodle.  I miss her so much. 

IT'S LOREAL BIRTHDAY. SHE IS 18

It's Loreal birthday.  It is isn't supposed to be like that.  She is without her mother.  A mother that always made sure to make it a special day for her.  A mother that went out of her way just to make her LoLo happy.  It was two years ago that she passed away. A day that is embedded in my mind forever.  I shall never forget Jeannette crying for her Loreal.  She wanted everything right for her.  She wanted Loreal to go to college and become a professional something.  Anything to make her succeed in life.  I see this picture of Loreal and I see the sadness in her eyes.  I know she thinks that everyone around her thinks she is totally happy.  I know she is not. She Misses her mama.  A mama that loved her with all her might.  A  mama that ached to be with her.  Jeannette loved all her children but her LoLo was her only girl.  She adored her.   She did not want to die and leave her LoLo.  She cried to me and said for me to take care of her LoLo.    LoLo where are you.  I want so much to see you.  I want you to know that i will  love you till I die.  I miss my LoLo and I miss my Nettle Poodle.

WE WERE BOTH HAPPY BACK THEN IN 1989

It was 1989.  Jeannette was young and happy during that time in her life.
Right now it is October 15, 2011.  Saturday morning.  Another day has begun without my Jeannette.  I reached for my cell phone on my night stand. Listened to my saved voice messages.  It's Jeannette telling me not to worry about her and that all went well with her chemo that day.  She said to me that she had no vomiting effects, etc.  Then she said to me that she loves me and please go visit her.  I have kept this voice message on my phone for two years.  My phone is the same one she gave to me in 2007.  It is scratched and looks old and outdated.  I went to Verizon and asked them if they could transfer my voice messages onto a new phone and they said no.  I walked out of the store with my old phone.  A phone that has her voice that I can listen to anytime I want. I miss that voice. It soothes my deep pain of her loss.  I did record her voice onto a cassette but it is not the same as having her with me all the time.  I will keep my old phone until it dies out on me.  I do not want to loose my baby's voice.  People around me at work have the latest phones but I just stick to my old one.

The picture above is me way back in the day when I also was young and happy.  I loved being a mother to my children.  Still do. 

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

ME AND DADDY, 2008

It was sometime in 2008.  I went to see my dad and mom in Corcoran.  My life was full of stress regarding Jeannette and I knew I had to go to Corcoran and talk to my parents and ask for prayer.  My dad had just come home from church when we took this picture.  We ended up going to the Sizzler in Hanford.  My mom was known for only ordering a baked potato and salad bar.  She always ate healthy.  Jeannette was always on my mind.  From Corcoran I drove down to Thousand Oaks to see her.  I love this picture and someday I am going to blow it up and frame it.  Can't wait to see my dad on Saturday.  Love him so much.   He is getting up in age but still smart with a sharp mind and remembers his days back in the 1930's when he was a boy.  Also, the lord has him healthy so he can continue to love us as much as we all love him.  I love my daddy. 

Loreal and Ashlee, 2008

It was Thanksgiving Day of 2008.  Sitting directly across from Ashlee and Loreal is Jeannette.  She was so happy to have her mom and dad, sister and brother and nieces and nephews, etc.  all celebrating.  I was there filled with emotions.  I was hesitant at first to attend such an event but I did it for Jeannette.  I can see Loreal still feeling sad cause her mama was slowly dying before her eyes.  Ashlee was there to support Loreal and to make her laugh and to have a good time.  It was to be Jeannette's last Thanksgiving.  I miss my Nettle Poodle.

I MANAGED TO SMILE FOR MY NETTLE POODLE THAT DAY

I remember this picture well.  It was the day she cut my hair.  One of the most difficult times for me to see her so distraught.  But after she cut it she felt better.  I sure didn't care what I looked like just to know she had stopped crying for her own hair.  As you can see she even thinned it out but I still smiled for her.  I wanted her to smile too and she did.  Right now I would give anything to have her cut my hair again.  Anything to have her with me again.  I know if she came back she would head straight to my house and be super excited to be with me again.  I know she loved me as much as I loved her.  Two years have gone by and it still feels like just yesterday that she passed away. The day she died, I was full of emotions.  Crying and anger and disgust and more crying and hating.  My heart still hurts when I think of all the pain my poor Nettle endured during her battle with breast cancer.   Next month on November 5th will be her birthday.  I hope and pray I can drive down to visit my baby girl.  She will always be my Nettle Poodle. 

Jeannette's Grandma and Grandpa in 1995

My dad and mom in 1995.  So happy and having a nice time. 
Jeannette was very close to them.  Such happy times back then.

MY DEAR DAD, SIS AND HER SON, SO MUCH LOVE.

I look at this picture of my dad, Mr. Richard Balderama and my sis, Donna Balderama and her baby Daniel and see love.  My mom passed away three months after Jeannette and my dad misses her so very much.  He and I get together twice per month or more.  I live far from him but he still manages to drive into Fresno to my home at 7:30 in the morning every other Saturday. We have fun together.  I love to hear him talk about the olden days in his life.  He rarely mentions my mom because it makes him so emotional.  He and my mom were married for 62 years.  I think about their marriage and I have to admit they were very blessed to have met each other.  She was a young beautiful petite woman that had relocated with her family to the small community of Corcoran, Ca. in 1947.   My dad was working weighing the sacks of cotton in the cotton fields.  My mom was not good at picking cotton due to always living in Los Angeles and working in factories.  The day they met was certainly very hot.  My mom tied her hair up in a pony tail and with a scarf hanging down.  She put on some petal pushers (something like crop pants) and her long sleeve top and went into the cotton fields to pick the cotton.  Her brothers and sisters were way ahead of her since they had been in Corcoran longer than she and had gotten the hang of it.  She pulled a cotton from the plant and it scratched her red nails she had painted on the night before.  She yelled out to her dad, " Apa, mira nomas mi unia."  Her dad didn't even hear her.  Her brother Duke told her to just pick as fast as she could and fill up the sack so they could go home.  She finally managed to fill the sack and dragged it as best as her petite body could to the weighing station located close to the big trailer where all the cotton was gathered.  She was out of breath by the time she got up to my dad.  My dad was very shy and had never dated anyone.  He was a handsome guy but didn't realize it due to being a country bumpkin.  Anyway, my mom wiped the sweat from her brow and looked at him.  He in turn managed to open his big brown eyes and looked at her.  His heart started pounding and not a single word could come out of his mouth.  My mom smiled real pretty at him and said, "So, how many pounds does this sack weigh?"  He smiled with his perfect white teeth and said, " 10 pounds."  My mom said o.k. and then tried to haul off the heavy sack.  My dad stepped aside and took it from her and emptied it into the trailer.  She said thanks and told him I'll see you tomorrow.  It was love at first sight.  They married soon after and then I was born a year later.  I had hoped that Jeannette would have had a good marriage but she didn't.  I had hoped that I would have had a good marriage and I didn't.  But my mom and dad were blessed and had many years together.  Now my dad is lonely and misses my mom so much.  All my brothers and sisters love my dad and we are all there to support him.  He certainly deserves it.  What a great man, my dad, Mr. Richard Balderama.  Age 85.  I just wish my Jeannette was here.  I miss my Nettle Poodle.

SHE WAS IN HER BOY'S ROOM, STILL CLEANING

She never let up.  Even though she was not feeling it, she would manage to get enough energy to clean Conner and Shane's room.  I managed to move her out and I sat her down on the sofa and told her that I would do it for her.  As soon as I would turn around, there she was again, picking up things from the floor or rearranging a picture.  She would smile at me so I would not say anything to stop her from doing what she loved.  I finally gave up and let her just be in the room.  She talked and talked to me as she cleaned.  I could not understand how she could still clean even though she was so sick.  I think she asked God for strength to do it.   I miss my Nettle Poodle.

LOVE IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT AND I LOVED MY NETTLE POODLE SO MUCH.

October 9, 2011:  Saturday morning.  Last night I covered myself with the quilt Jeannette had during her stay in the hospital.  It was given to her by one of her friends.  I managed to bring it home the day she died.  Had it packed away in a box but last night I was thinking about her so much that I decided to cover myself with the quilt.  It felt like her spirit was with me.  I know it is hard for people to understand this but until you have been in my shoes you will never know the extreme pain and loss I have suffered loosing my beautiful daughter.  I read a book that says that Love leaves a legacy.  How you treated other people, not our wealth or accomplishments, it the most enduring impact you can leave on earth.  Jeannette was that and more. She loved me, her family and friends.   As Mother Teresa said, "It's not what you do, but how much love you put into it that matters." Love is the secret of lasting heritage.  I suggest to everyone out there that when you wake up every morning, you kneel by your bed, or sit on the edge of it and pray this:  "God, whether I get anything else done today, I want to make sure that I spend time loving you and loving other people- because that's what life is all about.  I don't want to waste this day."
The most desired gift of love is not diamonds or roses or chocolate.  It is "focused attention."  And that is what I always gave to Jeannette.  I was not there during her battle with cancer to see what I could get from her like her dad and his wife and her husband. It was to be with her and to love her and support her.  I will go to my grave one day with no guilt.  I know that I loved my children and grandchildren and family as much as I could.  Love is what life is all about.

October, 2007 SHE WAS SO HAPPY

Here she is at work and dressed in appropriate attire for the happy occasion.  It was Halloween and a party was going on.  Doesn't she look so pretty. 
During the time she was sick and I was visiting her, she gave me those boots.  I still have them and I wore them once and they are so comfortable but I have chosen to put them in a box and take good care of them.  Everything she ever gave me, I have placed in a special place.  I don't have much because when she died my granddaughter Loreal told me that my ex and his wife gave Loreal exactly 15 minutes to get all she wanted out of her mom's room and then they were taking the rest.  It was Loreal's most difficult time barely finding out her mom had died and she hadn't even had the chance to grieve and she was forced to go into her mom's room.  Anyway, she was trembling too much to take much and so after 15 minutes were up, Petra opened the door and with jumbo plastic bags in hand began to tear up the whole room taking boots, clothes, handbags, jewelry, etc.  I never got a chance to get anything except the left overs that Petra didn't want.  She had given them to Ashlee and Ashlee called me and asked me to pick them up.  I cried like a baby opening the plastic bag.  It was so difficult for me.  I wouldn't doubt it if Petra has Jeannette's Halloween costume you see in this picture.  One thing that nobody got from Jeannette was her deep love she had for me.  I will take that to my grave one day.  I miss my Nettle Poodle.