Diana and Jeannette, Two Loving Sisters

Diana took a train down to visit Jeannette.  She wanted to have a special time with her and so she spent a whole week with her.  Diana knew how to make her sister laugh. She would talk to her about their teen years and living at 5272 E. McKenzie in Fresno, Ca. during the 80's.  Jeannette was four years younger and during her teen years, she made sure to copy Diana's styles.  Diana made dinner for her and she loved it.  She called me and told me how much fun she was having and that she and Diana were going to Malibu during the weekend.  I loved knowing that both sisters were together and that Diana was bringing a sense of comfort to Jeannette during her painful ordeal with cancer.  After Diana came home she cried to me.  She was shaking and crying and crying and telling me how she didn't want to loose her dear sister.  I cried too and told her we had to be brave and strong for her. 

My Baby born on Nov. 5, 1971

I loved to bundle her up and make her feel warm.  I loved to take care of her. She was the best baby.  It took all my breath away when her father announced that it was time for me to go to work and help him out financially.  I couldn't leave my three month old baby with strangers.  To make long story short, I went to work four months after she was born.  I regret the fact that I didn't stand my ground and insist on staying home with my babies.  I looked forward to weekends so that I could spend time with my children.  We would go to the park, to the movies or just hang out at home.  Jeannette was a cute little girl and a such a joy to be around.  Wish I could turn back the clock and be holding her in my arms just like this picture. 

SHE ASKED ME TO PAINT HER TOES PINK

Since tomorrow is Pink Toes Day for Breast Cancer Awareness I am posting this pic of Jeannette's pink toes.  I painted her toes during her last days on earth.  She asked me to paint them because even though she was gravely ill , she wanted to keep her beauty on.  I gladly did them and tried to do like a professional person but tears were running down my cheeks like a dam that  had broken loose.  I could not control my emotions.  She looked at me with her big beautiful eyes and smiled.  At that point in time it was hard for her to smile due to extreme pain but she broke out one just for me.  I told her  that I would always paint my toes pink in memory of her.  We both loved the color pink.  When she was a little girl she loved pink tops and shorts.  She loved her pink lipstick when I first let her wear lipstick at age of 13.  Now, as I look at the picture of her toes I cry because I will never see them or her again here on earth.   I try to live an honest and good life so that I too will end up in Heaven and see her one day.  My baby girl, I miss her so very much.  She was my Nettle Poodle. 

Jeannette's beautiful Children

She made an appointment with a local photographer to take pictures of her children among other things that she did before she died.  Jeannette was not in bed under the covers crying for herself.  She was busy making sure her children would never have to do without in life.  While in the hospital and enduring such extreme pain she asked for her children to visit her.  Before they arrived, she sat up on her bed and asked me to take her makeup bag out of her purse so that she could put some on to make herself pretty and not have all the dark circles around her eyes.  I managed to help her paint some eyebrows and gently put lipstick on her lips.  The children came in and suddenly she was the Jeannette without the cancer.  She talked to them, laughed with them and hugged them as best as she could manage.  Conner kept asking her, "Mommy, when are you coming home and tuck me into bed."  Shane said, "Mommy, I've been feeding the cat and I got an "A" today."  Loreal stood there in front of her looking all scared and not knowing what to ask her or say to her.  I hugged my LoLo.  I knew she wanted to cry.  Mathew said, "Mom, can I go to the game with my friends."  After they left, Jeannette thought she would see them again after she was released from the hospital.  She did not know that her husband would have her sedated and that she would never see her children again.  This is so wrong.  I truly believe in my heart she would have wanted to hug her children and say her goodbyes to them in a gentle caring way.  I also know she really wanted to say something to me because after she was sedated I spent all night and day with her.  At one point in time the nurse talked to her while she was changing her sheets and she said to her, "Jeannette, your mom is here and loves you."  Immediately she made a gurgling noise with her lungs.  I knew she wanted me to help her get out of sedation but her ????? husband would not allow it. I wish there were new laws and that parents could have rights to their children for life.  Every time I think of this it makes me cry.  I cry for myself, for not being able to help her and I cry because I miss her and I know she wanted to wake up and talk to me and tell me so many things she never had a chance to say. 

One Month before she Passed away. My Jeannette, My Baby.

The pic above is Jeannette, Brenda, Me and Barbara Ann. 
July 19, 2009.  She had just been released from the hospital but insisted on going to her grandpa's birthday celebration in Corcoran, Ca.  Her husband drove her down with the kids.  They first stopped at her dad's house so her husband could go golfing with his Fresno friends.  It was very hot that day when she called me.  I offered to go pick her up and drive her to Corcoran.  She agreed and so we both went to Corcoran around 3:00 p.m. The party was inside and outside the house.  All the relatives were there.  My mother, who had open heart surgery was in her room lying down and resting when we arrived.  Jeannette was so excited to see everyone and joined in the conversations.  Before long, I could not find her and when I did, I almost cried.  She was in her grandma's room along with my cousin Angela, Barbara Ann and sister, Brenda.  They were all praying for Jeannette.  My mom was so happy to see Jeannette.  It was so very hot that day and Jeannette was feeling uncomfortable so I asked her if she wanted to leave and go to my place and rest.  She agreed and we left at around 7:00 p.m.  That was the very last time my mother and father and all the relatives seen Jeannette alive.  I could tell by the way she was holding her breast that it hurt.  I put my car air conditioner on blast and so she felt cool and dozed off on the drive to my house in  Fresno.  I want anyone that reads this post that Jeannette was beautiful inside and out.  She showed compassion to her loved ones, especially her grandma, who is in heaven with her.  I miss them so much.  My Jeannette will never be forgotten.  No, Not Never.

Incompetant and Scandelous Doctors

I drove to Thousand Oaks to be with her on the day she had a surgery to install a port that would be used as a vein.  I remember she woke up in the morning and told me that after the surgery we would go shopping or to the movies, etc.  I told her I just wanted her to rest and not to worry.  She told me she had no time to rest.  She said she was living her life just as if this cancer had not come into her life.  I didn't understand this at all but in time I knew what she meant.  She did it for her children so not to disrupt their lives.  She did not want them to see her cry or be sad.  She cooked and cleaned her home everyday until almost the last year of her life.  Her cancer was diagnosed in May, 2008 and she died on September 3,2009.  Her life expectancy was supposed to be at least three years.  The type of cancer she had was aggressive.  It went into her breast bone and down her spine.  The radiologist was giving her radiation therapy twice per week for 8 weeks.  This was way too much radiation.  At first she didn't feel anything but then about a month into it she developed burns.  It hurt so much and she had to have a nurse come by and help her with her dressing changes on the burns.  Before long she called and told me that pieces of bones, that were later identified as rib bones, were falling out.  During one of several hospital admissions, the doctors discovered the reason for her bacterial infection was that one of the rib bones got infected.  That happened in June of 2009.  They grafted skin from her thigh to cover the hole.  In July of 2009 she was in the hospital to recover from the surgery.  Later in July she called and said she felt like she was having a baby.  The pains were so severe that she could not catch her breath.  She was rushed to the hospital and after an MRI the diagnosis was that the cancer had entered her spine and into the birthing nerves and that is why she was having contractions.  This was so horrible and to know I could not help her.  The medicines she was on was helping a little but not completely.  The doctors all came into her room and announced that they had a plan for her.  They said that they would take her off all drugs and start her on a pain releasing med called Methadone.  Jeannette was sitting up on the bed and crying.  I interrupted the doctors and asked them this.  "Do you know for a fact that Methadone will take all her pain away." They reassured me that it would and that Jeannette would be able to go home on hospice and live for at least another month.  I looked at Jeannette as she nodded yes to the doctors.  She couldn't even talk due to feeling like her world was coming to an end.  I hugged her and told her I would never leave her.  As it turned out, the doctors were wrong.  That stupid plan made her worse. The methadone did not work.  She was in the worst pain ever.  To top this awful situation, her chemotherapy doctor walked in after being on vacation and asked if she could run another MRI.  As far as I'm concerned, it was all about the money with those scandalous doctors at St. Josephs hospital in Ventura, Ca.  My Jeannette was at their mercy and they were the worst doctors.  I pray I never end up in that hospital. 

Monty and his LoLo.

Loreal and Monty.  Monty made sure to pick up his daughter every chance he could and help her with her grieving period after she lost her mom.  I am grateful to him for being an outstanding father to her.  God Bless both of them. 

A Living Doll , My Daughter, My Nettle Poodle.

It was December, 1989.  She was about to go on a date with her love, Monty Potter.  She was so excited to go but I insisted on taking this picture.  After all, she was so beautiful and I wanted to keep it as a memory.  She married Monty and had Loreal. They were happy living on Willow and Ashlan in Fresno, Ca.  I never had to worry about her because Monty was so respectful and loving towards her.  She told me that Monty was the love of her life and that every morning he would wake up and say to her, "What can I do today to make you happy."  As years went by they grew apart and for reasons unknown to me, they split up.  That did not make him stop loving her.  He loved her until the very end of her life.  He was there visiting her and kept close watch on Loreal.  A month before she died she told me that she knew Loreal was going to be o.k. and she would have plenty of support from her dad.  She worried about Mathew though and she also knew that Conner and Shane would be taken care of by Pat.  I told her that I would love them and have my arms wide open if they ever came to see me.  It was hard for her to face the fact that she was leaving her children.  She loved them all so very much.  

Jeannette's Last Mothers Day, 2009

I woke up this beautiful Sunday morning and thanked God for giving me another day to live.  I know there is a reason for my existence but I have not pin pointed as of yet.  Today, I am going to take my grandson to the park and enjoy the whole day.  I try to cope with my grief the best that I can.  Times are hard for me. One minute I am laughing and enjoying life and then the next, I am sad just thinking about Jeannette and all that she went thru during her illness.  She called me a week before Mothers Day in 2009 and said to me that she thought her husband and the children were planning a big event for her since she knew it would be her last Mothers Day.  I told her I had planned on visiting her but would wait until the following week to see her.  She called me crying hysterically on Mothers Day.  She said that on that morning she woke up after sleeping only two hours, to find her husband getting dressed.  She said to him, "Pat, what are you doing for me on this special day."  He flat out told her he was leaving to his mom's house.  She asked him why.  He said, "You're not my mother."  And then she said he was taking the kids too.  Jeannette broke down crying and asking him why.  He ignored her and left.  She cried so much that she lost her breath.  Then, she called me and told me what happened.  The following weekend I drove to her house.  As I was parking my car Pat's mom drove up behind me.  I turned around and walked straight up to her and asked her why she let her son disrespect my daughter and why had she insisted on making him be with her on Mothers Day.  She said, "I can't help it if your daughter has cancer, life goes on."  It took every nerve in my body to calm down.  I wanted to beat her ass so bad.  I imagined pulling her ugly dried out hair out of her scalp and kicking her fat body all the way up and down the block. That is how angry I got.  I decided it was not worth it and just walked away from her and into my Jeannette's house.  Before I walked inside, I turned around and yelled out to her that she would rot in hell for what she did to my daughter.  Then i did yell out a couple of four letter words.  I was like a mother tiger protecting her cub.  Gosh, when I think of this I get all angry again.  Forgive me Lord.

She arrived in Heaven on Sept. 3, 2009.

It was the worst time of my life sitting next to my dying daughter knowing that the time was getting close to the end.  At the request of her husband, the doctors sedated her.  We never got a chance to have closure.  I know in my heart that she would have wanted to be awake and see her children one last time.  The hospital staff told me I had no rights as a parent.  All the rights were with her husband.  I was shocked to say the least.  How could this brute make such a decision without talking to me.  I cried when the doctors told me that they could reverse the sedation and that they could numb her from the waist down and that she could go home on hospice care but would be not be able to walk.  Her husband said, "No, I am tired of all the ordeal my family has gone thru, keep her sedated."  I tried to reason with him and tell him that Jeannette would want to go home to her children one last time even if it was for a couple of weeks.  There was no reasoning with him.  So, after they sedated her, he left the hospital and came by to see her a couple of times.  I never left her side.  I slept on a chair that was located next to her bed.  I put a wash cloth on her forehead to try and keep her cool.  I knew she could hear me so I kept talking to her and reading the bible to her.  The end came to fast.  One day after they moved her to the hospice room she died.  I shall never ever be the same.  I am sad and at the same time angry at cancer, angry at some of her so called "loved Ones." I know that some of the people that read this post think that it's been two years and why is her mom still mad.  If they could be in my shoes during the time Jeannette was dying and all the injustice she received, they would understand my anger.  I sure do miss her so much.  I wake up and cry just knowing that another day has come without her.   

Las Tres Amigas, Jeannette, Janie and Mona

They were young, beautiful and innocent.  Here they took a pic on Mona's graduation day.  Those were times of celebrations and places to see and go to.  Jeannette would save all her money and would ask me if she could do special chores to earn more money so she could go out and have fun with Janie and Mona.  When she wasn't with them, she would be on the phone with them.  I knew she would be safe hanging out with them because all three were known as "Good Girls."  Wish I could go back in time and witness how happy she was back then.  During one of her several hospital stays we talked and she told me, "Ma, please always try and keep in touch with my friends so that they never forget me, o.k."  I wiped my tears and I told her that I would.  Mona named her new baby girl after Jeannette.  She is beautiful just like my Jeannette was.  Beautiful till the very end. Eran las tres Amigas. 

HER FINAL DAYS

Sept. 1, 2009.  Two days before she passed.  I shall never forget being there with her and with tears in my eyes not knowing what to do.  She was sedated but it did not stop me from talking to her.  I knew she could hear me.  I told her how much I loved her.  How much I wished it was me instead of her.  I told her she was going to be free from pain and loving being up in heaven.  I told her stories about when she was a little girl she followed me around and now I was going to follow her to heaven.  I cried as I touched her face and kissed her gently.  I would read the bible to her and I know in my heart she loved it.  My baby died on Sept. 3, 2009.   I shall never be the same.  She is gone but never forgotten.

May 2008. Tears, Laughter,Hugs,Emotions,Life,Love and above all else, Faith in God.

She insisted on taking me and Diana to go out to eat right after we arrived at her house on that sad day in May, 2008.  Look at her, she has a smile and at that point in time she was optimistic about her health.  She kept trying to reassure me that once the doctors removed her breast that the cancer would be gone and that she would go on to live her life.  At times, I felt like I was having a heart attack.  My heart ached to much.  Everything was happening too fast and way out of my control.  Before I knew it, she was in Chemotherapy and Radiation.  Then Cat Scans, MRIs, blood transfusions, hospital stays, etc.  My baby was going through so much.  The worse thing that can happen to a parent is having an ill child.  A child that has terminal cancer.  A child that is being disrespected by certain so called "loved ones."  A child that cries out to you in pain, extreme pain, a pain that makes her loose her breath.... I cried out to God for help.  I asked God to please take me instead.  Take me Lord, Take me instead of my Jeannette, my Nettle Poodle.  Please, Lord, Please make the pain stop. 

She wanted so much to live long enough to see her graduate.

June, 2011.  Loreal Lovelady, her daughter graduated from High School.  She looked so beautiful and such a sight to see however it was bitter sweet since Jeannette could not be there to celebrate and witness her oldest graduating from Buchanan High in Clovis, Ca.  Jeannette always wanted the best for her LoLo.  Before she died she told me, "Ma, I always want you in her life and take care of her and give her advise about life."  I reassured her that i would.  Loreal is and always will be in my thoughts and prayers.  I hope for the best that life has to offer for her. 

Mathew Bozeman, Her oldest Son. It was his turn.

She had special days of the week for each of her children to spend time with them.  It was Monday and so it was Mathews turn to spend the whole day with her.  He went with her to her Chemo appointment and then she took him to eat a hamburger.  She loved watching him as he enjoyed his meal.  She often told me how she knew Mathew had such a loving personality and that he always made sure to hug her or kiss her each day before and after school.  She made sure to gather all Mathew's baby pics, etc. and put them in a box that has his name on the label.  She cried to me when she said I will never see him graduate from high school, college and never see him get married.  I cried with her too.  Mathew was her big boy and she loved him so very much.

ThanksGiving 2008

She called and asked me for a special request.  She wanted a special Thanksgiving Day because she said it would be her last and wanted both her father and I to be together at the dinner table.  I had strong reservations about it but held my feelings in and said o.k. just for her I would do it.  The party was to be held at her dad's house.  I called my mother and told her to pray for me because I was going to be in a sticky situation and could not be with her on that day.  My mother prayed for me and told me to just do it for Jeannette and try and have her enjoy the day.  I did go and as you can see by this picture of her, she had the best time laughing and having fun with the whole family.  She thought I didn't notice that she did not eat anything on her plate.  I knew she had on a wig, false eyelashes and painted eyebrows and a mastectomy bra on and was trying her best to hide the fact that she was depressed and in such pain.  I hugged her and kissed her on her cheek and told her I was so proud of her and how she looked so beautiful.  She spent the night at my house that night.  I remember her telling me, "Ma, thank You for doing that for me ."  I was willing to do anything and everything to make her happy.  I sure do miss my baby. 

This is How We Found Her

It was May, 2008. We had all just found out the news she had last stages of invasive ductal carcinoma, in other words, she had terminal breast cancer.  Daniel and Diana put on a brave face as they arrived at her home for the first time after the diagnosis.  We all expected to find her in bed and crying.  Instead, we found her in her cute shorts and top. Wearing her hair in a ponytail and with a big smile as she opened her door to welcome us in.  I took this picture of Diana, Daniel and Jeannette for my memories.  Can you tell how Diana and Daniel are trying to smile but Jeannette has a great big smile. She said to me, "Ma, don't cry, I will be OK."  She went on to say she had the best doctors and that she was confident that she would have a great outcome of this ordeal.  We all knew better.  We knew she was in shock and could not face reality.  As time went on she was poisoned by chemo meds and burned by radiation.  The worst is that she was in extreme pain every single second of her life.  She was my baby girl and I will never get over this.  I thank God for giving me time with her and for having Diana and Daniel there to comfort her. 

She said, "Ma, Let's Go to the Fair one Last Time."

It was October, 2008.  She surprised me when she drove herself alone from Thousand Oaks, Ca. to visit me.  I was stunned and surprised when I opened my door to find her standing there with suitcase in hand and a big smile.  I totally lost it and cried.  My baby girl was with me and all to myself.  She said she wanted us to go to the Fresno Fair one last time.  As soon as we arrived at the Fair she told me, "Ma, let's go get Cinnamon rolls and coffee.  I said o.k. and so we walked around and found it.  We sat down every chance we could so she could rest.  We headed for the horse races.  She put a bet on a random horse and won $25.00. We both laughed so much.  Then we went to the exhibits and took pictures.  I asked her if she was feeling tired and she said no.  At around 8:00 P.M. we left.  She was happy but exhausted at the same time.  This is one of my good memories of her and I.  I remember thinking to myself as we walked around the fair how sad it would be without her and then I felt like crying but didn't so she could have fun with me.  I thank God for giving me a beautiful time with her. 

She Went to the BackYard Late at Night.

During one of our deep conversations she told me that during the night when the pain would not let her sleep that she would go into Conner and Shane's room and watch them as they slept.  She would softly cry and wondered how they would cope without their mommy.  She pulled up their blankets and gently tucked them in and kissed them.  She said sometimes it was so depressing just knowing she would have to leave them that she would go out to the backyard and cry her eyes out.  Then she would compose herself and go back to her bedroom and open her bible and read and pray.  Before long it was already morning.  She said that one morning after the kids had gone to school, she went to the local mall and into a Make A Bear Store.  She purchased two bears and dressed them up in Dodger baseball uniforms and recorded her voice in each one.  In her message she said that whenever they need mommy to press the Bear's paw and that mommy would always be there for them.  She loved all her children.  Mathew and Loreal were teenagers.  She would find something for them too.  There was a big age difference in the ages of the children.  Each child reacted different with the news that their mom was going to die.  She had a special day of the week planned out for each one.  She had me help her organize four containers for each child with their own personal things in remembrance of her.  She was very ill at the time but so thoughtful and she loved her children so very much. 

Jeannette's Sleepless Nights.

Today is Monday, July 11, 2011.  Another day came with no Jeannette to call me and say, "Hi Ma, just called cause I was thinking about you."  I remember talking to her everyday asking her how she was and when she would go into detail of the tremendous amount of pain she was in, I would shake just knowing I couldn't take that pain away.  I prayed for her and asked prayer for her in church.  She asked me if I was going to go see her on the weekend and I said yes.   During the night as I was resting in bed I thought about her not being able to actually rest.  Her neck and back would not let her rest.  She sat up on the bed with several pillows propping her up and she would try and sleep.  During one of my visits I slept in her bed.  She tried to read, look at magazines, watch t.v., etc. but the pain was too unbearable.  I couldn't sleep either.  All I could do was pray, pray,pray.

I SALUTE TO YOU, MY DAUGHTER. REST IN PEACE.

POSTED 11 Sep 09:   MSgt Jeannette Hanrahan passed away peacefully at the age of 37 on September 3, 2009 with her husband and parents by her side. Jeannette was a pillar of strength during her battle with cancer and throughout her health challenges. Jeannette joined the 144FW of the California Air National Guard in 1992.  She worked for the 144th Fighter Wing in Fresno, State Headquarters in Sacramento and for the last 6 years at 146th serving as the Wing Commander Secretary for BG Iffland and Col Friedricks and then as the Information Manager and Health Services Superintendent in the clinic.   Jeannette is survived by husband Patrick and children Loreal, Matthew, Shane, Connor all of Thousand Oaks.   Services were held in Westlake Village on September 11, 2009 at St Jude's Catholic Church and the internment was at Pierce Brothers Valley Oaks Memorial Park.

Jeannette and her youngest, Conner.

She was at St. Johns hospital in Ventura and waiting her her surgery to have a port installed.  Conner loved his mama and insisted on going with her to that appointment.  He awoke crying saying he didn't want to go to school and wanted his mama.  Jeannette loved her baby.  This was taken in May, 2008.  The beginning of ordeal. 

She drove herself to ER

She developed Pneumonia during one of her trips to Fresno.  She was driving herself back to L.A. when she called me.  She was already on 99 passing Tulare, Ca. and said to me that she got real sick feeling while at her dads house.  I asked her why didn't he take her back to L.A. and she said that he and his wife had made plans to stay at a casino to celebrate his wife's sister birthday and they couldn't help.  Needless to say, I was furious and asked her to stop the car in Tulare and that I would drive over to her and take her the rest of the way.  She insisted on not stopping and that she could make it.  I told her to call her doctor.  She did and she advised her to go directly to the ER in Ventura, Ca.  This is how I found my baby when I arrived.  I was so scared and crying but also full of emotions and hate for my ex.  I am sorry but I know I am supposed to let it go and forgive but I just can't.  I am crying as I write this just looking at her like this and knowing she drove herself to hospital. 

Memories of Jeannette

It was one of those days in my life in 2008 when all I wanted more than anything was to be with Jeannette.  She was dying before my eyes.  Most of her days were spent in extreme pain.  She was on so many different pain meds but not one of them could take the pain away completely. She cried to me on the phone saying, "Ma, I wish you didn't have to work and you could be here with me."  I told her I would take the train the following weekend.

My Life was full of stress and I found myself crying most days.  It's awful as a parent not to be able to take the pain away from your child.  The Amtrak train took off at 10:00 a.m. and left me off in Bakersfield, Ca.  From there, I transported to Oxnard by bus.  I glanced out the bus window as it arrived in Oxnard.  There she was, my Jeannette standing outside of her SUV.  She was stunning.  Wearing shorts, cute top and sandals and her designer sunglasses.  She looked as though she was on a vacation but in reality, she was dying from breast cancer.  I stepped off the bus and into her loving embrace. I kissed her on the cheek and told her thank you mija, for picking me up even though I know you are in pain.  She smiled and asked me if I was hungry.  We ended up at a Mexican restaurant close by.  She didn't eat much and when she took off her sunglasses i realized she hadn't slept that much because her eyes were all sunken and black around the bottom rim of her eyes.  I wanted to cry so much but kept my composure so she wouldn't start feeling bad.

The following morning she had a chemo therapy appointment.  I cleaned the kitchen and hurried up and got ready to accompany her to the appointment.  When we arrived and sat down in the waiting room I realized that most of the people in the waiting room also were dealing with their own cancer.  It was a sad sight to see young and old all together in on big room.  All slowly passing away.  I wondered to myself if Jeannette was getting poisoned with all the medicines that were being put into her body.

There was a back room that she was sent to.  I went along too.  It had about 10 recliners side by side, a stand next to each one with magazines.  A nurse's station was in front of the recliners.  Each patient had an IV either going into their veins or into a port.  Jeannette had a port on the left side of her chest right above the breast.  The nurse connected the IV needle into it.  Jeannette put on her head phones and listened to music while looking at a magazine.  I sat in front of her probably looking real sad as I watched all the patients getting their individual medicines.  There were men and women that were my age and older.  The youngest one there was Jeannette.  I asked myself why my baby.  She had so much to live for.  There she was with her new $400.00 wig on, no eyelashes, no eyebrows and sunken eyes, full of breast cancer stage 4 and there was not a damn thing I could do about it.  I was not in control, no not at all.  This was so very depressing.  All the love I could give her could not take this horrible ordeal away.  I wanted to die.

Buried in Westlake Village, California.

This is Jeannette in 2007 before she knew.

She was young and beautiful and full of life back in 2007. 

Answering her E-mails.

It was early morning.  She hadn't slept all night.  Got up and on heavy medication she began to answer all her e-mails from her relatives and friends.  I asked her to let me do it for her but she insisted on doing it herself.  Her bones ached and that is why she is holding her wrist.  She asked me to help her compose some thoughts onto the PC.  I did.  Anything for my baby.

On My desktop at work

Jeannette and her LOLO. She loved her so much.

ONE OF HER GOOD DAYS.

I walked into her beautifully decorated home.  She was highly organized and neat.  I could not believe that with her failing health and such pain that she managed to make her home nice and tidy.  I asked her who was helping her while I was gone.  She said, "My LoLo."  It was her dear daughter that took care of her mommy.  I was so proud of her.  During one of her good days, she and I went shopping at the local mall to buy LoLo some new clothes.  LoLo knew her mom had good taste and always relied on her mom to help her pick out things.  I sat down on a couch inside the Macy's store and kept an eye out for her just in case she needed me.  She came to me and said she had gotten a phone call from Christina Sandoval.  She was in the mall looking for Jeannette.  What a pleasant surprise.  Christina and Jeannette had been close friends since childhood.  I was so happy to see Christina come pay Jeannette a visit.  They hugged and started talking non stop.  What a site to see, my Jeannette looking normal and laughing it up with her dear friend.  This was a good day indeed.  Later that night after taking her pain medication she told me, "Ma, out of all my friends I cherish my Tina. "  I could see why, for it was the visit with Christina that made her calm and relax.  It was a good day indeed.

Going to Heaven

She came to Fresno during one of her good days and insisted on going to my home town to see grandma and grandpa and to visit their church.  She wanted the congregation to pray for her and she wanted to do the sinners prayer.  She asked me if i thought she would go to heaven. I said yes.  She said, "Mom, I won't know anybody there and I wish grandma would die before me so she could hold my hand."  At that point in time my mother was very frail and needed open heart surgery.  I told my mom what Jeannette had said and my mom smiled and said, "Only the Lord knows when it's our time."  Well, as it turned out my mother died three months after Jeannette.  She died on Christmas Day.  I miss both of them so very much.  I know in my heart that they are together and rejoicing in Gods Kingdom.  If I could turn back the hands of time I would insist on Jeannette moving back to Fresno and closer to me. 

She had no hair, no eyebrows, no eyelashes but look at her. She is still beautiful.

Loosing My Baby

Loosing a child is the worst possible thing that can happen to a parent.  I would give up anything to have her back with me again.  It hurts so much.  I wake up each day thinking about her.  She was in so much pain and I could not do a damn thing about it.  The doctors gave her the strongest medications they could find and the pain was still there.  She couldn't even go to sleep because of the pain.  She would lie down on her bed sitting up and facing up.  Her life had to go on and she managed it as much as she could.  Unfortunately, there were others that were close to her but had other interests in mind.  I managed to block them out of my mind in order not to go ballistic.  She craved certain foods that I would immediately make possible for her to have.  She was slowly slipping away from me. I had to do whatever it took to help her.  Sometimes I drove to her home and sometimes I took the train.   One time I had a friend take me.   I just knew she needed me and I had to be there for her.  I told her I loved her each and every time.  My baby girl, damn I miss her so much.  There is no scientific reason for her to have gotten metastatic breast cancer.  There is no history of anyone in my family which includes descendants.  I wonder why and how.  She had everything that life could offer and she lived for her children.  I am distraught and angry as hell at this cancer.  It has devastated my world.  I shall never be the same.

Mint Chip, Her Favorite

She opened her eyes after sleeping most of the day.  Heavy pain meds were working a little and she got a chance to rest and sleep after being in excruciating pain for two days.  As soon as she opened her eyes she noticed fresh fruit sitting on her hospital table.  She looked at me with a smile and said, "Mom, I know you brought me this."  I said yes and proceeded to describe all the fruits I had found at the 99cent store that was located directly across from the hospital.  She began to eat her fruit and then glanced out the window and noticed a Baskin Robbins.  She smiled again and asked me if it would be to much to ask if I would go get her some mint chip ice-cream.  I immediately gathered my purse and told her I would be back in less than 10 minutes.  Sure enough, I returned with a big cup of ice-cream for her.  She was wide eyed and looked so happy as she began to eat it.  I told her that as soon as she was released from the hospital that we would both go and eat a big banana split together.  Well, sad to say, that was the last time she ever ate ice-cream and fruit.  She died a week later.  Every time I go to Baskin Robbins I order her favorite mint chip ice-cream and sit in my car sometimes and play her favorite tunes and wish I could turn back the clock. 

Jeannette Loosing her Hair

During one of several trips I made to Thousand Oaks to see my daughter we had a very disturbing incident.  She was in a heated argument with her husband and as a mother I felt compelled to intervene but just as I was about to knock on their bedroom door, she opened the door and ran into the bathroom.  I looked at her husband with disgust.  Here was my daughter in last stages of breast cancer and he had the nerve to argue with her instead of loving her and making her happy.  I heard her crying so much in the bathroom.  I knocked and convinced her to let me in.  As soon as I walked in she started telling me this. "Ma, I am so beyond hurt." "Look at all the hair that is falling out as I brush it." "Ma, why, why is all this happening to me."  She was crying uncontrollably and I held her in my arms and told her that hair was not important.  Then I noticed a pair of scissors and gave them to her and told her to cut my hair.  I demanded that she cut, cut, cut.  And she did.  Then a miracle happened.  She began to giggle and saying to me, "You're gonna love it Mom."  She kept on and before long she put the scissors down and hugged me.  She stop crying all together.  Wiped her eyes and put mouse and gel in what little hair I had left.  I didn't care what I looked like.  After all, I managed to make her happy even for a little while.  As a mother I felt good about myself at that point in time.  A month later, she bought two wigs.

Pokemon Cards for my Babies.

During one of several trips I made to Thousand Oaks to Jeannette's home she asked me to go shopping with her.  I told her that maybe she should rest and let me make her a hot cup of tea.  She insisted by saying she wanted to buy Conner and Shane some more Pokemon cards.  I drove us to the local mall that was filled with many shoppers.  Inside the Ross Store we went.  I watched her as she walked bent over holding on to her chest area to pull a basket.  I pulled it for her and then she said to me, "Ma, get you a basket too and put anything you want into it."  Then suddenly she turned and said she was heading out the door and to the toy store across the way to buy the cards.  She told me she would be right back.  I watched her as she tried to open the door to Ross to exit.  I went over and opened it for her.  After about 10 minutes after so much tears going the isles of the store, I decided to just put the basket back and go look for her.  As I glanced out the window I witnessed a little old lady that looked so frail and sick.  As I got close I realized it was Jeannette.  She looked at me and with a big smile said, "Look Ma, I found the Pokemon cards."  Then we both walked back to the car.  By that time she was totally exhausted and when we returned home, she went straight to bed and took another round of pain meds.  I sat on the couch crying quietly so as not to awaken her.  She loved her children so very much. 

What a Blessing

She called and said, "Ma, when you come this week please make me Bena."  It was oatmeal special recipe that I made for her as a child.  She loved it and called it Bena so that is how she said it even to her last days.  I told her I would and I would also make her fresh homemade tortillas and sopa.  She loved my cooking and bragged to her friends at work all the time.  She was known at work to be sociable and welcoming and especially nice.  She never forgot someones birthday or anniversary, etc.  When I arrived at her house I found her dusting her furniture and lighting candles.  I asked her why and for whom was she doing it and that she should be resting. She said, "For You Ma."  What a blessing God had given to me.  A beautiful daughter who loved me so much.

Someday baby girl, Someday.

As I sat next to here hospice bed watching her heart go up and down I had a feeling this would be the day she would pass.  I talked to her and read her scriptures from my bible.  I painted her toenails a pretty pink just like she painted them often.  I brushed her hair and gently put a towel over her face and cleaned it off.  I told her that she was going to Heaven soon and free from pain.  I cried as the nurse came in to tell me her heart was beginning to shut down. My baby girl was leaving this earth, leaving me.  Why, Why.  I cried out loud and bent over to kiss her as her last breath on earth took place. The baby I had in 1971 was gone.  I hurt so much.  I cried until I could not catch my breath.  The funeral staff came in and wrapped her up and took her from me.  I  managed to escort her body down the elevator and watched as they put her in the van.  I cried as they drove away.  Got into my car and screamed and cried so much.  Started the car and drove down the freeway and to my home hundreds of miles away.  Tears never stopped flowing.  Hundreds of cars and semi trucks filled the freeways.  I drove in a daze.  Arrived home at 2:00 a.m. Cried myself to sleep.  Woke up and cried some more. My beautiful daughter was gone.  Gone to Heaven.  Someday, I do not know when, I will see her again.  Of that I am sure of.  Someday, I will be completely happy again. 

Jeannette in her final months

I can still hear her say to me, "Ma, I couldn't sleep last night, too much pain."  She managed to get up and make herself cup of coffee and wake up the kids to get ready for school.   Mathew was first to wake up and as he gathered his things to take shower he yelled out, "I'm up Mom."  Conner and Shane woke up fighting over a Pokemon card.  She calmed them down and gently kissed their foreheads.  Loreal, her 16 year old was busy blow drying her long hair.  The television was blaring and as I poured my cup of coffee I realized this scene is coming to a stand still soon.  Jeannette was in last stages of breast cancer and as much as she tried to carry on with her normal life I could see she was deeply saddened at the thought of never seeing her children grow up.  Never seeing their faces each morning and night.  She cried often to me and with me.  I am crying as I write this blog.  Why, God, Why did she have to leave this earth, her children were the world to her. 

July 4, 2009. Her Last.

Her last 4th of July was spent in the hospital.  She was recuperating from surgery on her lungs.  They had grafted some skin from her thigh and used it to cover the hole left from her previous mastectomy.  All those trips twice per week for 8 weeks to Radiation Therapy had taken a toll on her skin.  It had burned off and thus creating a hole where some pieces of rib bones had been falling out.  She sat up the bed with IVs dangling down the sides of her bed and said to me this.  "Ma, you do realize this is my  last 4th of July."  I tried to say in a calm voice that it wasn't and that she would live to see many more.  She said, "Ma, I thank God for you."  "You, are here with me and that's all I need."  Meantime, her husband was out to who knows where and managed to stay away from the hospital and we didn't even hear from him.  PERFECT, for me.  I despised him. 

I Love You Mommy

It's Sunday night and I am sitting here looking at my daughters pic.  She was so beautiful.  I miss her so much.  Some days i just can't cope and I get so very sad.  I use this blog as a coping tool to help me.  Jeannette was my youngest.  When she was a child and scraped her knee or elbow or anywhere I would immediately manage to put a bandage on it.  I would kiss her and tell her everything will be o.k.  She would hug me and tell me, "I love You, mommy."  I was in control alright.  When she was dying of breast cancer and she cried out to me, "Ma, please help me."  I did not know what to do.  No medication was strong enough to take the pain away.  I cried out to the doctors and nurses for help .   There was nothing they could do.  I was not in control of the situation.  I wanted to scream.  I cried out to God.  I made so many promises to him if only the pain would go away.   All I could do was hold her hand and try and calm her. She opened her beautiful big brown eyes   and whispered to me, " I love You Mommy."

One Day He Will Pay

He thinks he got away with scamming people all his life.  From the early age of 16 until now a 64 year old man.  Everyday when he wakes up he thinks about money. He brushes his teeth and thinks about money.  He dresses himself and thinks about money.   When he goes to bed, he thinks about money.  He goes on about his day thinking about money.  Nobody better get in his way.  His sidekick is his wife.  They both are all into the money.  So, it was no surprise to me that he scammed his own dying daughter and had her sign him into her will and estate.  He was there visiting his daughter during her chemo and radiation treatments but the subject of money was all he talked about.   He got his way.  One day he will have to account for all his money and all the scams he pulled on innocent people and especially his own daughter. 

Saturday Morning

It's Saturday morning in Fresno again.  Another day is here without Jeannette.  I look at her picture and wonder why did she have to leave this earth.  She had everything going for her.  A family that she adored.  An active military life, a beautiful home and cars, etc.  The monster demon of cancer came knocking at her door.  It wouldn't leave no matter how much we all begged it to go away.  It entered her right breast like a speeding bullet.  No chemo, no radiation therapy could make it go away.  The pain meds almost took the pain away.  She cried out to me.  "Mama, I need you here with me."