Memories of Jeannette

It was one of those days in my life in 2008 when all I wanted more than anything was to be with Jeannette.  She was dying before my eyes.  Most of her days were spent in extreme pain.  She was on so many different pain meds but not one of them could take the pain away completely. She cried to me on the phone saying, "Ma, I wish you didn't have to work and you could be here with me."  I told her I would take the train the following weekend.

My Life was full of stress and I found myself crying most days.  It's awful as a parent not to be able to take the pain away from your child.  The Amtrak train took off at 10:00 a.m. and left me off in Bakersfield, Ca.  From there, I transported to Oxnard by bus.  I glanced out the bus window as it arrived in Oxnard.  There she was, my Jeannette standing outside of her SUV.  She was stunning.  Wearing shorts, cute top and sandals and her designer sunglasses.  She looked as though she was on a vacation but in reality, she was dying from breast cancer.  I stepped off the bus and into her loving embrace. I kissed her on the cheek and told her thank you mija, for picking me up even though I know you are in pain.  She smiled and asked me if I was hungry.  We ended up at a Mexican restaurant close by.  She didn't eat much and when she took off her sunglasses i realized she hadn't slept that much because her eyes were all sunken and black around the bottom rim of her eyes.  I wanted to cry so much but kept my composure so she wouldn't start feeling bad.

The following morning she had a chemo therapy appointment.  I cleaned the kitchen and hurried up and got ready to accompany her to the appointment.  When we arrived and sat down in the waiting room I realized that most of the people in the waiting room also were dealing with their own cancer.  It was a sad sight to see young and old all together in on big room.  All slowly passing away.  I wondered to myself if Jeannette was getting poisoned with all the medicines that were being put into her body.

There was a back room that she was sent to.  I went along too.  It had about 10 recliners side by side, a stand next to each one with magazines.  A nurse's station was in front of the recliners.  Each patient had an IV either going into their veins or into a port.  Jeannette had a port on the left side of her chest right above the breast.  The nurse connected the IV needle into it.  Jeannette put on her head phones and listened to music while looking at a magazine.  I sat in front of her probably looking real sad as I watched all the patients getting their individual medicines.  There were men and women that were my age and older.  The youngest one there was Jeannette.  I asked myself why my baby.  She had so much to live for.  There she was with her new $400.00 wig on, no eyelashes, no eyebrows and sunken eyes, full of breast cancer stage 4 and there was not a damn thing I could do about it.  I was not in control, no not at all.  This was so very depressing.  All the love I could give her could not take this horrible ordeal away.  I wanted to die.