Diana and Jeannette, such loving Sisters

Jeannette and Diana

It was in June of 2008.  We were all there with her. She was so optimistic about her health at the point in time.  Every time I would start asking her to rest and let us help her out she would say to me that she was on the road to recovery and that she had alot of energy and there was so much for her to do.  She always made us feel so welcomed in her home.  She loved her sister so much.  They would both head out the door to hang out and I would stay home and take care of the children.  One time they went to the movies and other times shopping and going out to eat.  When it was time for all of us to come home we felt at that time that she really would get better.  I told her I would be back and stay longer next time.  She didn't like me to leave her and would give me a great big hug before I left.  I want that big hug now.  I know Diana feels the same way.  We talked about Jeannette today over dinner.  Diana said she Jeannette talked to her alot on the phone back then and always told her to please take care of me.  She loved me so much.  It feels good to know that.

Three Teens in the 80's

Daniel, Diana and Jeannette

Diana was on the phone with the extra long cord that was being stretched to the limit.  It started out in the kitchen and headed all the way down past the the family room and bathroom and into her room.  She was on the floor with the door locked talking to her friend. Cordless phones were not invented yet.   Daniel was on his turn tables playing music and scratching the album to a new beat.  His friends were all around enjoying the music.  Jeannette was trying to take a big knot of hair stuck deep into her scalp.  She yelled out to me to help her.  I was trying to finish making dinner. I stopped everything to run up the stairs to see what she wanted.  I tried to help her by using a brush, comb and then even resorted to peanut butter to try and get the hair untangled.  The more I tried, the worse it got.  Diana tried also.  Jeannette's eyes were getting watery and I knew she was about to cry so I said, "Let's go to Super Cuts and see if someone there can do it for us.  She was happy to hear that so she put her long hair in a bun and off we went.  The young lady at Super Cuts told me that it was impossible to untangle the big knot of hair.  It was too big.  About the size of a small apple.  She advised me to just have her hair cut short all around.  I looked at Jeannette and she smiled and said, "Go ahead, I just want this out."  So, her hair was cut short and the next day is when this picture was taken.  Doesn't she look so cute.  I love this picture.  When she and I were together towards the end of her life she talked about this incident in her life.  We laughed again.  It was good to see her laugh. 

Somebody called Her Dora The Explorer

This picture does fit Jeannette's look.  She had big brown eyes, a cute nose and dark brown hair.  A friend of hers told me that Jeannette would laugh all the time when people would say to her that she looked like the cartoon, Dora, The Explorer.  When Jeannette was a little girl, she loved playing with Barbies and then when she was a teenager she loved "Hello Kitty."  I remember one trip to San Francisco long ago. We were window shopping and all of a sudden she yelled out and said, "Look Ma, there's a Hello Kitty store.  She ran in and wanted me to buy her everything.  I bought her pencils, paper, a cute wallet, etc. She walked out of the store so happy.  Those were the good times.  I miss my "Dora, The Explorer." 

We Had A Wonderful Mother and Daughter Day

Jeannette and Me

We were at Avocado Lake close to a town called Sanger.  It is close to Fresno. It was full of people (La Raza) having good times.    I was so happy that day in July.  We were having a barbecue and playing in the lake.  I made sure to make her some salads and bring her favorite bread from Laucks Bakery that was located in the Tower District in Fresno.  It is not there anymore but when I drive by the location I have flashbacks of going in and buying cupcakes, cakes and bread for my family.  Anyway, I remember Jeannette was so happy and laughing with me and Diana and Daniel.  I had taken all my children to the lake to get away from the house and enjoy the day.  At that point in time I was financially strapped and on a tight budget so that meant we couldn't go out to dinner and movies so much or for that matter, take trips to the coast or to Adventure theme parks, etc.  Sometimes I would take them to Pine flat Dam or around that area.  They loved it.  Jeannette always wanted to bring a friend or two and I always said yes.  Those are such fun memories.  This makes me feel good tonight.  Sure do miss my Nettle Poodle.

Angie Balderama, The Best Grandma and Greatgrandma

Bianca and her Great Grandma

My mother, Angie Balderama loved all her children and grandchildren and great grandchildren.  Look at this picture.  It is my granddaughter, Bianca hanging out with her great grandmother just the way Jeannette did.  My mother and Jeannette had a bond that nobody could ever break.  Jeannette worried so much for her frail grandma all during the time she was sick.  I have her on my voice mail telling me to please check up on her grandma.  My mother had 8 children.  I do not know how she managed it all but she did.  She was smart and kind, loving and good hearted, welcoming and such a joy to be around.  She made my cousins laugh with her stories of her days as a young woman living in Los Angeles.  I find it ironic that she passed away only three months after Jeannette.  I mean, my mom was born and raised in Los Angeles and died in a small town called Hanford.  My Jeannette was born and raised in a small town and died in the big city of Los Angeles.  It was all the opposite.  I know they are in Heaven rejoicing in God's Loving arms.  I miss them so very much.  My grandchildren love to hang out with me too.  I hope I can follow in my mother's footsteps and have my great grandchildren wanting to hang out with me too.  Just like this picture. 

She Wanted ME all to Herself that day in October 2008



It was such a fun day for the both of us.  I shall never forget being with her and listening to her sweet voice and laughter.  We did everything that day at the Fresno Fair.  Now, as I look at this picture I get to feeling so sad.  It is almost two years since she passed away.  I feel as though she died today.  Knowing she will never call me again and say, "Ma, guess what?" " I'm coming to Fresno this weekend to see you."   I will be heading out to visit her grave soon.  As I travel down the highways it will be so sad because my final destination will be the cemetery.  It will never be exciting to travel and to her home again.  The first time I went to visit her, I got lost.  Took the wrong exit on the freeway and so I called her.  I was embarrassed to call her but I finally got enough courage to make the call.  She told me to just stay put and she would go down to find me.  I did and when she showed up she yelled out to me these words, "My Mommy, always getting lost."  And then she hugged me.  That's the kind of daughter I had.  She was so full of love for me.  I feel happy knowing that.  My Nettle, the most loving person in this whole world.  I miss her so very much. 

Remembering The Fun Times With my Nettle



At Fresno Fair in early 90s

It is August 30, 2011.  Just made fresh coffee and since I have some time to reflect on my pictures, this one picture caught my eye.  It was taken at the Fresno Fair while she was barely out of high school.  We had so much fun that day.  Laughing, taking pictures and of coarse eating all the way up and down the fair food stands. We went to the horse races and then after we came home she went out with her friends.  She was a good girl and I always knew she made the right decisions.  Such a happy girl with a great big heart.  I am drinking my coffee now and have to start getting ready for work but I am here glued to my computer writing about her.  My fingers do not want to let go of the keyboard.  They are busy wanting to let everyone know about my Nettle Poodle.  I was truly blessed to have given birth to her on November 5, 1971.  It was a life changing moment for me.  I never ever knew what love was until I gave birth to all my three children. Jeannette was the ultimate baby.  I mean she was so good and such joy as a baby.  As a mother, she was awesome.  She didn't cry for herself during her battle with cancer.  She cried because she had to leave her children.  She loved each one of them so much.  Conner, Shane, Mathew and Loreal had the best mom in the world.  I know.  I was there.  I witnessed it all.  My Nettle Poodle will never be forgotten.  O.k. now, I am heading to the shower and get ready for work.  As soon as I retire I plan on writing a book about her.  I have so much to say.  

I Realize This is the Last Picture we Took Together



Me and my precious daughter

Today is August 29, 2011.  It is my son's birthday.  I took some pictures with him during our birthday dinner tonight.  As I was driving home I was thinking about the few pictures I have of Jeannette and I.  I mean, I do have several but not alot.  The picture above is one that I will cherish for it was our last picture together.  We were at the Fresno Fair in 2008.  It is only is only five days until the second anniversary of her death.  As time gets closer to that date I begin to feel so much grief.  I remember her being moved around the hospital.  She was to the point where she needed so much more than one nurse could handle.  Pain was with her night and day.  One nurse walked in to check on one of her IVs and found Jeannette sitting up on her bed.  It was one of those rare moments where the pain medicine worked for a short time.  Enough time to let her converse.  She was sipping on some cold water and I was sitting across from her.  I happened to call her Nettle Poodle.  The nurse heard me and said, "Your mom loves you."  I remember Jeannette smiling and saying, "Yes, she's my mommy."  I felt so happy to know she knew that I adored her.  After that she slept for a while and the next day is when the sedation doctor came in at the request of Jeannette's husband.  So, tomorrow is the day she was sedated under false pretenses.  I was adamant that I did not want her sedated.  After finding out I had no rights to my own daughter I felt devastated but I still had hope that she would be un-sedated or reversed at one point and that she would be able to wake up.  It never happened.  I know in my heart she was trying to come out of it.  The nurse put a suction tube down her throat to suck up the mucus.  She told me that Jeannette could hear me and her and that to her it seemed like she wanted to wake up due to all the noise her lungs were making.  I got close to her and told her this:  "Nettle, it's me, mama.  I love you mija so very much.  I am gonna fight with everyone here to make them wake you up. "  She kept making the lung noise after I talked to her.  Next morning when her husband and her doctor were there I asked the doctor and he said yes, I can.  But, all of a sudden the monster in Pat came out yelling so loud against it that the director of the hospital was called.  He came and asked for me.  Took me to the end of the hallway and told me that Jeannette's husband could ask him at any second to kick me out of the hospital and that it would be his lawful duty as director of the hospital to escort me out of the premises.  He advised me to keep quiet and not do anything that would jeopardize my stay and be close to my daughter. Needless to say, I ran crying to the bathroom and then I ran out of the bathroom crying all the way to my car.  I got into my car and cried and cried.  I made phone calls to my precious parents and they prayed for me.  Then I called my co-workers and several friends.  I cried so much and then when I got out of my car I became a zombie.  I headed back to Jeannette and didn't speak a word.  I opened my bible and read it and kept vigil over her.  Her husband was content now.  His plan was in the works.  

She Was So Scared and Nervous

My Jeannette

It was June 1, 2008.  She was at St. Johns Hospital in Ventura.  I was there with her.  It was her first surgery.  Her Chemotherapy doctor advised her to have a port installed in her chest so that they could easily hook her up to IVs and not have to start a new vein every time.  So looked nervous but tried not to show it to me.  In this picture she was thinking about her grandmother who was also sick.  I told her not to worry about anything just stay positive.  It was a short stay surgery and so she was out of surgery and on the way home by 6:00 p.m.  Everything to me was done so fast.  She had appointments almost everyday.  She still managed to look after her children.  I remember her looking into her refrigerator and telling me that we had to go stock up again.  She always wanted her children to have plenty of food.  We went to a local grocery store and after that we went to the Pet store to get the dog and two cats food too.  We also stopped at Costco.  I was exhausted but she still had so much energy at that point in time.  Jeannette did no slow down until six months before she died.  She always told me that she had so much to do.  I would say to her that I would do it all for her and that she should rest.  She did but not for long.  She was an amazing mother.  Cared so much for her children.  I miss my Nettle Poodle.

Wish She Was Here



So Young, So Beautiful



What a beautiful day today is.  Sunday morning.  Coffee perking.  Time to take shower and brush my teeth.  Time goes by so quickly and before we know it we are old.  I am old.  I sit here in my home looking back at all the years that have gone by.  There were good times and bad times.  There is one point in time that is embedded in my brain forever.  Even if I were to get Alzheimer's disease, I know I would still remember the day my daughter died. I shall never forget the second she died.  My heart stopped at that time.  I was in tremendous grief.  I cried from the bottom of my soul.  My whole body went into a spasm. I was trembling all over.  The pain was like as if someone had stuck a big butcher knife in my heart.  The nurse turned off the blood pressure machine and the hospice nurse came in to say a few words of kindness however, I do not recall what she said. I was numb as I escorted her body down the elevator and onto the waiting Hearst.  As they slowly drove away I slowly died inside of me.  I really feel like I am not the same person anymore.  I hate cancer with all my might.  It took my beautiful daughter from me.  How could this happen.  I do not know.  I hope that one day there will be a cure for cancer.  I do not wish this on anyone.  All you mothers out there that are reading this post, please love your children. Show them everyday that you love them. I am not talking about materialistic gestures of love.  I am talking about TIME.  Give them of your time.  In the end, that is what really matters.  Time and Love.  I miss my Nettle Poodle.

This Was Posted on Her Hospital Door

It was August 28, 2009.  She finally went to sleep at 5:00 a.m.  I know.  I was there.  I was with her during all her pain.  She cried all day that day.  The day turned into night.  More pain.  More cries.  I was not in control of the situation.  This cancer was making it's way into her birthing canal and she was having birthing contractions every ten minutes.  She tried to move as best she could but with all the IVs surrounding her precious body made it impossible.  She asked me to help her.  I managed to clear my tears and got close to her.  I massaged her legs and I put pillows under her.  She was crying and telling me, "Ma, please help me."  I ran to the nurses station and interrupted them as they were talking.  I said, "Please, help my daughter, she needs more pain medication."  They looked at me like as if I was weird.  I guess I must have because my hair was a mess and i had no more makeup on my face.  I didn't care what the hell I looked like, all I wanted was more medication.   I yelled out to them like a mad woman.  I said, "Call the damn doctor, do what you have to do, get her PAIN meds NOW.  Finally, a nurse got up and went in with me to check up on Jeannette.  She called the doctor and he approved more meds.  It was 5:00 a.m. now and my sweet daughter was finally resting.  I did not want anyone to wake her so I told the nurse to put a note on the door.  She did and it gave me time to call my family to inform them of what was going on.  At that point in time i did not know she would die 6 days later.  I really thought that she would go home on hospice.  But, unfortunately decisions were made by her husband and I had no rights as a mother.  I lost her on Sept. 3, 2009.  My Nettle Poodle is gone. 

My Pretty Girl



Nettle

I look at this picture and ask myself, what could I have done to make her days in this world be better.  Living in Fresno and far from her made it difficult to influence her.  I wanted so much for her to move back to Fresno and closer to me and to her sister and brother.  The person that had all the opportunities to influence her, actually I am gonna change the word influence to "brainwash" her was her dad.  When he found out Jeannette was diagnosed with breast cancer, he packed his bags and he and his wife practically moved in with Jeannette.  You see, they had a plan.  A devious plan. Anyway, it's a long story and someday I will write a post and go into detail about it.  My Jeannette longed for me and for her grandparents and relatives.  That is why she would drive herself all the way to see me for as long as she could drive.  She knew I would do anything for her.  As much as I despised her dad, I agreed to have Thanksgiving at his house because Jeannette wanted that way.  I did anything for her.  During her difficult times in the hospital I cried out to God to take me instead.  I wanted her to live.  To see her children grow up, go to college and get married.  She will always be my Pretty Girl.  I miss her so very much.   

Those Eyes, That Pretty Face

My Nettle

It's Saturday night on August 27, 2011.  Here I am sitting at my desk on this computer looking at those eyes of hers and that pretty face.  How I wish I could be sitting across from her having a good time.  Instead, I am here remembering her.  My daughter is gone and it hurts so much.  Sometimes it hits me while I am at work and I close my door to my office and cry my eyes out.  I just can't accept the fact that she got breast cancer.  When I first touched the lump on her chest, I felt like I was having a stroke.  I could not even talk.  She told me that the doctors at Kaiser told her she could not have a mammogram due to her young age.  They said it was a pectoral muscle.  I told her to go to another doctor and get a different opinion.  She did and they did a five core biopsy.  A core biopsy is different than a needle point biopsy in that it is more painful because it is like a screw being drilled into your breast.  She was in so much pain from that when she called me crying uncontrollable tears telling me it was cancer and it was stage 4.  I remember that when she called me I was in my car driving down Blackstone Ave and was about to make a turn onto Sheilds Ave.  I had to make a quick right turn and park my car.  My heart was racing, I was having palpitations and I could not breathe.  I cried so much and kept asking God to please, please make her well.  Everything after that happened too fast.  It was the most heart wrenching and heart stopping time of my life.  My beautiful daughter was being taken away from me.  To make matters even worse is that she was so far away from me.  To make matters even worse than that is all the injustice she received.  I am still angry about that.  One day, I will be with her in Heaven and I know that I will be truly happy then.  I miss her so much.  People that read my post might think to themselves that it's been almost two years and that by now I should be over it.   I shall NEVER EVER BE OVER IT. 

Chelsie, Where Are You



"My Jeannette"



I lived in Clovis during the time she was in High School. She went to Clovis West High.  She and I got along so good.  I remember one day she asked me if she could have a kitten.  I hesitated but I said yes.  I don't know where or how she got a jet black kitten. She named it Chelsie.  The kitten soon turned into a cat.  Chelsie would follow Jeannette around the house.  I tried to get close to her but she just loved Jeannette.  Months went by and soon Chelsie was expecting kittens of her own.  Jeannette loved her Chelsie and always had her on her bed.  One day I walked into Jeannette's room to ask her something and found Chelsie on her bed and had given birth to three kittens.  I yelled for Jeannette and she came running out of the bathroom.  When she laid her eyes on Chelsie she immediately started crying.  I did not understand anything and all I wanted was for her to get that darn cat off her bed along with her kittens.  Jeannette told me that Chelsie loved her so much and felt so safe on her bed and that's why she had given birth on it.  I told Jeannette to get a box and fix it for Chelsie and her kittens.  She said, "Ma, I hope you let me keep all the kittens."  I did and she named all of them.  One was Christopher and the other two I totally forgot.  I do remember Christopher because he was so big and kept getting bigger and bigger.  He was as big as a dog.  After Jeannette graduated and left for basic training it was not the same anymore.  Chelsie ran away and I do not know what happened to her cats.  I remember Christopher chasing other cats in the neighborhood.  Jeannette told me that maybe Chelsie felt she had abandoned her and maybe that's why she ran away.  She went looking for her at the SPCA and even posted pictures of her around but we never found her.  I know Jeannette was heartbroken for a long time.  Years went by and she got married and bought kittens for her children.  To this day they are very attached to their cats.  I miss that about Jeannette.  She loved cats.  I can name all her cats during her childhood and teen years.  Misty, Chelsie, Christopher, Abby, Pinky and Rusty.  One of my granddaughters has had her cat since 4th grade. Her name is Midnight.  She was lost but six months later was found.  Jeannette always felt that Chelsie would show up someday at her doorstep.  I wish she would have.  Chelsie, where are YOU.

My Daughter's Family

Her Family

It was Five Months before she Died.  Look at this picture of her.  She was in so much pain but insisted on this portrait.  It was taken in a park in Thousand Oaks, Ca.  I had gone shopping with her the weekend before she took this picture. She wanted everyone to be dressed in dark blue.  She could not find a dark blue top for herself and at the end she wore a black top she had found in her closet.  Jeannette made sure to give me this picture before she died.  When I look at it I sometimes wonder how did she get this cancer.  I see her beautiful face in the picture and to me, it looks as though she is very healthy.  In reality she was in extreme pain.  She held up for the sake of her children.  Wish I could reach into this picture and hug her so tight.  I miss my Nettle. 

Gamma, Tell Me About My Auntie



Christian Skyy Bradley

This is my grandson by Diana.  He is only 5 years old and just started Kindergarten at Hamilton Middle School in Fresno, Calif.  I made sure to take him to school and guide him through to his teacher.  He is very smart and is constantly asking me questions.  I told him not to forget the classroom number he was in.  I told him room 18 over and over.  When he met his teacher for the first time she asked him his name.  He said, "Room 18."  I started laughing.  This little boy looks at Jeannette's pictures which are placed in certain sections of my home.  He asked me to tell him a story.  I picked out a book from the book shelf and he said, "NO, Gamma, I want you to tell me story about auntie Jeannette."  I have told him so many stories about her and he still wants to hear more.  I catch him kissing her picture and talking to it once in a while.  One time I heard him say to her to please come over and bring Conner and Shane.  I believe Christian has a very kind heart and is full of love.  Especially for his auntie who he faintly remembers because he was only three years of age when she passed away.  I make sure to hug Christian and tell him I love him everyday.  Life is way too short and time goes by quickly.  Before long he will be a man.  I bet he travels to Thousand Oaks and meets up with Shane and Conner one day.  

Happy Days In Hawaii With Her Matt



Jeannette and Mathew

It was February 2008.  She was in Hawaii with her family.  I called her that day thinking she was at work or at home in Thousand Oaks.  She answered the phone with so much joy telling me that they were in Hawaii.  She was on the beach with Mathew, her oldest son.  I was so very happy for her at that particular time.  Cancer had not been discovered in her breast yet and she was out having fun and excitement. She loved her children so much.  Mathew was at an age that she could have long conversations with him about life and give him advice.  She had told me once that she worried about Mathew because his father was out of the picture and did not have a relationship with him.  Mathew thought of Patrick as his dad because he was 3 years old when Jeannette married him.   Patrick ruled that house with an iron fist.  He believed in corporal punishment so it was no surprise to me when I found out he was whipping my Mathew.  I talked to Jeannette about all this and she told me she was getting close to filing for divorce but she had decided to make this trip to Hawaii to see if she could mend it.  When she came back home and only two months later she developed a pain in her arm and chest.  In May of 2008 she was diagnosed.  She decided that for the welfare of her children she would stick it out on her marriage.  I believe she made the wrong decision but she was an adult and she firmly believed that her children needed both mother and father.  I could go on about all this but I am choosing to not go further due to my anger at this point in time.  All I know is that I miss her.

Jeannette Loved Her Auntie, Brenda

Her Auntie Brenda

This is my sister Brenda.  She lives in Corcoran, Calif.  During her childhood she loved coming to Fresno and stay with me during her summer vacations.  She loved her nieces, Jeannette and Diana and also her nephew, Daniel.  I depended on her to take care of them while I worked.  I know that the kids took advantage of her niceness.  She cooked for them, played games with them, etc.  She never once complained about any chore I would give her.  Brenda was very close to Jeannette.  She called her Jeannettie.  When it was time for Brenda to go back home to Corcoran, Jeannette would cry her eyes out.  She would hang on to Brenda as Brenda was exiting the car.  One day I actually had to make a u-turn and bring Brenda back to Fresno for one more day due to Jeannette crying for her.  I happen to come from a very loving family.  Our family believes in God and we support each other as best as we can.  I am proud to have Brenda as my sister.  She is not only beautiful on the outside but also beautiful in the inside.  I will forever be grateful to my sis for everything she did for me and for being there for Jeannette and praying for her especially when she went for her final visit to Corcoran.  It was such a beautiful scene.  Looking at my sis, Brenda wrap her loving arms around Jeannette and pray for her.  Jeannette loved her for that and for all that she did for her while she was growing up.  God Bless My Sis, Brenda. 

Jeannette Adored Her Auntie, Donna



Donna Lee Balderama

It was an instant love for Donna on that cold day in November, 1971.  I brought her to Fresno to see her newborn niece, Miss Jeannette Eileen Rocha.  From the moment she opened up her baby blanket and looked at her wearing her onszy she cried tears of joy.  First thing she wanted to do was hold her and so I let her.  Donna and Jeannette became inseparable.  I made sure to bring Donna to Fresno during any vacation break from her school in  Corcoran, Calif.  Jeannette loved her auntie.  In her mind, her auntie could do no wrong.  As Jeannette grew so did Donna.  Before long, Donna was a teenager and as typical teenagers do, they hung out.  She never once complained to me about babysitting Jeannette.  She loved her.  When Jeannette was gravely ill and in the hospital she kept asking for her auntie.  She said, "Ma, is Donna coming."  "Ma, I want to see her."  Ma, call Donna, I want to talk to her."  "Ma, I miss my auntie."  Jeannette kept Donna on her mind all the time.  I think she knew Donna would fight for her and would not give a ?? what the doctors or her husband said.  Donna would probably have gone ballistic on everyone in the room that was eager for her Nettie to die.  My sis can box just about anybody.  She is brave and nobody intimidates her.  I remember way back in the day when one of my neighbors in Clovis, Calif. was at my front door yelling at me because Jeannette had driven over their grass.  Donna came to the door swinging her arms and yelling at them that it was in their best interest to go back to their house.  They practically tripped over each other trying to get back into their house.  I remember hugging my sis and telling her how I appreciated her.  I think that from that incident on and especially because Jeannette witnessed it, that Jeannette always wanted her auntie by her side when she had difficult situations going on.  Yes, whomever is reading this post, WATCH OUT for Donna.  I love my sis.  She and Jeannette had the most loving relationship.  Jeannette is in Heaven now and free from pain.  I miss my Nettle.

Thank You Sis for all the love you showered on Jeannette.  God Bless You.

She Was Happy With Him Back Then



She looks so Happy

It was 2004 and she married him.  She was living the good life with this Fireman.  I remember she called me and said, "Ma, I am married to the most wonderful man."  I was happy for her even though I barely met the man one month before she married him.  I always go with my gut instinct.  Like when I walk into a room full of people I can feel the vibe if it's negative or positive.  Well, when I met Jeannette's husband he came across as self centered and hot tempered.  I noticed how he had no patience for my two grandchildren that were not his.  Once he married my daughter he moved her out of Fresno and away from me.  That there told me this guy might be controlling. 

Several instances happened during the coarse of their marriage to make me confirm my suspicions.  I could go on and on about this person but I am choosing to not write about him because it is not in my best interest and health to open up these wounds regarding his treatment of my dying daughter.  When I see this picture of her and how she is wearing his firefighter helmet I feel like crying.  I cry for her not knowing the truth about him before she married him.  Most of the population in this Nation of ours seem to think that all Firefighters are heroes and I am a first hand witness that there are some that are rotten to the core.  They hide all their devious ways from their fellow workers, their family, their relatives, etc.  I know that if Jeannette had it to do over again, she would not have married him.  She would have found the love of her life.  In my dreams I see her happy and with a loving man at her side.  When I wake up, reality sits in and I am here writing about this monster.  O.K. I am done for now. 

An E-Mail From Jeannette's Friend, Mona D.

Bless Her Heart

I will never forget her!! And when I say my babies name my eyes get teared up! I could just imagine what she would say knowing I named my baby after her....I know it would had made her smile:) I know she is in heaven...on one of our conversations we had she told me she is not scared because she knew she was going to the kingdom and those were her exact words...I get sad when I think about how we lost contact and then found each other:) missed out on some years.... I am happy that I got 2 tell her how much I loved her and how special she was to me....I hurt so much... Jeannette is in heaven and I know she is at peace.. I remember when I use to take her to church with my mom and dad she loved it.....I miss her and love her always.

Back Then I could Make her "Coco" go away just by blowing on it



She was my little girl, so precious

She was my little girl.  When she would fall, I would pick her up.  One day she fell off her bike and she cried out saying, "Mama, Mama, Mama."  I dropped whatever I was doing at the time and would go running to see why she was crying.  There she was on the ground with a little bitty scratch.  Barely a drop of blood was trying to form.  I wiped it off and blew on it and kissed her forehead.  She stopped crying and got back on her bike and road off down the block.  I never knew that one day in the distant future she would be crying out to me again, "Mama, please Mama help me."  And I would not be able to do anything.  It makes me cry looking at this innocent little girl that went through so much starting in 2008.  I think back and feel so guilty for always having to work and how she had to come home after school to an empty house until her older brother and sister came home.  I wish that I could have been there everyday opening the door and hugging her and asking her how her day was at school.  Making chocolate chip cookies for her.  I guess it just had to be that way since I was a single mom and had to work to provide for my children.  Jeannette told me long ago that I was the best mom to her but I still wish I could have been home for her.  Now that she is gone I think about all the times I spent with her.  How I wish I would have spent much more time.  I miss her so much.  Wish I could go to sleep and wake up and all this a nightmare.  I am missing this little girl, my Nettle Poodle.  After you read this blog go and hug your loved one.  Just like I wish I could hug my Jeannette.

She Listened to Her Music while at her Chemo Appointment

When I sit here at my desk and look at this picture it brings me back to the days when she was battling cancer.  I was there sitting across from her.  Watching her close her eyes and listen to her music.  I pulled out my cell phone and took this picture.  I had hoped that one day I could show it to her after we celebrated her being cancer free.  It was never to be.  Do you see the man sitting close to her.  He must have been around 70 years of age.  She was way too young to be in that Chemotherapy room.  It broke my heart when the nurse would tell me that Jeannette was the youngest patient there.  I looked at her while she had her eyes closed and noticed her skin was turning yellow.  I guess her liver was affected because of all the heavy drugs.  This damn cancer was taking my daughter from me and there was nothing I could do for her.  After the chemo was done she opened her eyes and guess what she did.  SHE THANKED ME FOR BEING WITH HER.  I could not believe my ears.  I told her, "Mija, you don't need to thank me."  She said, "Ma, you left your job back in Fresno to be here with me and my own husband is here in town and he hardly ever comes with me."  I hugged her and held her hand as we entered the elevator.  After we went out to the parking lot and into her car she said, "Let's go get a pedicure."  I smiled and said, "I'm Game for anything as long as I'm with you."  We both got our nails painted pink.  Then she said, "Let's go to Me &Eds and eat pizza.  We did go but she only took two bites.  Wish I could go back in time and do all that over again with her.   I Miss my Nettle Poodle. 

Shane Loved The Cat His Mommy Got For Him



Shane and his Cat

During all the times I would travel to Thousand Oaks I would find my grandson, Shane playing either with his DSI or with his special cat.  Jeannette purchased two kittens for the two youngest children.  She had read somewhere that children with animals can cope with difficult situations.  Anyway, I was there watching Shane take care of his cat.  He was very very close to Jeannette.  When he found out his mommy was going to Heaven he cried so much.  He told his mommy he wants to be a doctor and bring her back from Heaven so he can give her good medicine and then she can get well and she won't have to live in Heaven and instead be home.  Jeannette worried so much about Shane.  Of all her children, he was the one that was the most emotional.  He asked her who was going to kill the spiders when she was gone.  He was deathly afraid of spiders.  He also asked her if he could go visit her in Heaven and he promised to be good so he could stay longer.  Jeannette would always check in on her children late at night and she would cry because she did not want to leave them.  I hope one day Shane comes to visit me so I can tell him lots of stories about his mama.  I love my Shane.

She Proudly Served Our Nation, State and Community

 I am so proud of Jeannette.  She was a MSgt. in Air Force National Guard.  She was brave and very dedicated to her job assignments.  She traveled all over the world. Served in Afghanistan.  She was voted Airman of the year for state of California and received several medals and awards.  You were lucky or should I say blessed if you ever came in contact with her.  She was serious about her friendships and cared so much for her co-workers.  The Air force lost a dedicated airman and I lost a loving and beautiful daughter.  This world will never be the same.  I salute to you my daughter. 



One of her award ceremonies



Jeannette and her Conner

Mommy and Baby Boy

Conner is Jeannette's youngest.  He knew his mommy would do anything for him.  Every time he cried, she would run to see what happened.  She would buy several different kinds of cereals and put them on a big tray so every morning at breakfast time he would have several choices to choose from.  He knew something was just not quite right with his mommy due to mommy crying and having people around her.  His mommy bought two little kittens.  One for Conner and one for Shane.  She kept them at first in her bedroom.  Soon they got big and would travel straight into Conner and Shane's room.  They loved their cats.  Conner wanted his mommy all to his own at times so he would act sick so he could stay home from school and be nestled in his mommy's arms.  She bought him Pokemon cards so he could play while she tried to sleep.  She loved her Conner, her baby boy.  Someday, when he grows up and comes to  visit me I will tell him all the stories about his mommy and him. 

This Beautiful Brown Eyed Beauty, How I Miss Her

I am here alone and thinking about this picture.  I am looking at it and asking myself how could this beautiful daughter be gone.  Gone are the phone calls she made to me.  She would tell me how much she loved me.   Gone are all those visits she made to Fresno to see me and her sister and brother and nieces and nephews.  Gone is the big hug she would give me every time she was around me.  Gone are the compliments she would give to me when I cooked for her.  Gone are all the worries she had regarding her children.  Gone are the times when I least expected her to call and she would and she would say, "Ma, I bought that Patty Page album with the Christmas songs that remind me of my childhood."  She would play the songs for me over the phone.  She told me she remembered me bringing home cupcakes every time a holiday came up.  Gone are all the tears she shed with all the extreme pain she had.  My heart is breaking as I think right now how I shall never see her drive into my driveway with music blaring and honking to make me take notice.  She will never come to my door and knock and say, "Ma, I'm here so hurry up so I can hug you."  I have to stop this post now.  My hands are shaking.  I am crying a million tears right now. 

She handed me a pretty silver box and told me to open it.

It was during one of my visits with her that she came out of her bedroom with a small silver box.  She handed me the pretty silver box and told me to open it.  I did and much to my surprise was a beautiful necklace with matching bracelet.  I asked her why and she said, "Mom this is very special to me and there is nobody in this world that should end up with it except you."  I hugged her and thanked her.  Now, every time I wear it, which is not often, as I cherish it and keep it tucked away, I have such good compliments.  This the only piece of her jewelry that I have.  During winter time, I wear a pretty black sweater she gave to me one day.  It fits me kind of snug but when I wear it I feel as though she is hugging me.  I think about her all the time.  Right now I'm thinking that if she would not have died, she would be all into her children's school activities.  I remember how she would help each one with their homework.  They sure had an awesome mom.  One of a kind.  My Nettle Poodle.  I miss her so . 

This Picture is so Precious to Me

Every morning when I arrive to work and sit at my desk I see this picture right in front of me.  It is exactly why I placed it in front of my computer.  I take a look at it and I feel as though she is saying to me, "Hi Ma, miss you."  Jeannette was an asset to her department at her work in the Air Force.  She was smart and always completed her assignments in a timely manner.  It was one of her goals to return to work after her battle with cancer was won.  It never was to be.  I remember asking her husband for one of her uniforms after she passed away.  He said that he had given all of them to local goodwill.  I was shocked to say the least because it was only a few weeks after she died that I asked him.  On November 5, 2009, I traveled to Thousand Oaks to place flowers on her grave and also to see if I could visit my grandchildren.  Just so happened that my ex and his wife were also there.  I had to compete with them to have alone time with my grand kids.  When I walked into Jeannette's house it was not the same.  Her husband had cleared out anything and everything that was Jeannette's.  He gave almost all away and my ex and his wife managed to take all her valuables which included designer clothes, shoes and handbags along with several pieces of jewelry.  All that was left was three boxes in the front room of the house.  I managed to open one when nobody was looking and found pictures of me and Jeannette and also a few small items.  I asked my grandson about the boxes and he said didn't have a clue.  This makes me so sick when I think of all of this  so I am going to finish this post as I am crying so much.  My Jeannette was so giving and so kind and nothing like these evil people. 

Don't Worry Nettie, I'll Carry You



Diana, Donna and Jeannette

It was 1973 and an extremely hot day in Corcoran, California.  A young 12 year old girl named Donna was sent to the store by her mom.  Diana and Jeannette insisted on going with Donna.  Jeannette could not find her sandals and cried out to Donna, "Please auntie, I want to go."  Donna loved her so very much that she picked her up in her arms and carried her to the store and back and all the while holding on to the groceries for her mom.  You can describe this gesture in one word.  That word is LOVE.  That is how much Donna loved her Nettie.  She thought of Jeannette like as if she was her own personal doll.  Well, Jeannette fit that to a tee.  With a round face, big brown eyes, rosy cheeks, chunky little legs and pixy haircut.  I look at this pic and wonder why Diana couldn't hold the bag of groceries.  After all, she was big already.  I mean big enough to carry that bag.  But I come to the conclusion that Donna had her spoiled too.  I bet that bag was full of goodies such as ice-cream, donuts, chips, etc.  Now I know why they always wanted to be in Corcoran with their auntie.  Donna is and always will be the most loving person I know.  God Bless My Baby Sis.

WE DID THE WALK IN HER HONOR

Janie and Mona

Janie and Mona and other friends participated in the Breast Cancer Awareness Run/Walk in 2009.  Only a month after Jeannette has passed away.  They honored their friend with her picture on their t-shirts.  I was beyond despair and extreme grief at that point in time..  When I found out what they did for her, I cried so much.  These young women were little girls at one time going to school.  They grew up together and enjoyed their teen years so much by hanging out with each other, going to parties, proms, etc. 
Thank you to Janie and Mona for doing this for Jeannette and also to bring awareness to the public about Breast Cancer.  God Bless them. 

Here are Jeannette's friends with LoLo



Mary, Janie, Sabrina, Mona, Loreal and Tina

Jeannette had many friends throughout her life. Friends from all over this Nation since she was in the Air Force National Guard.  The friends on this picture are all from Fresno.  They were her dear friends from school.  She always talked about them to me.  Just because she was married and lived far away from Fresno didn't mean she didn't keep in touch with them.  So, it was natural to know that they put LoLo under their loving wings during Jeannette's funeral.  LoLo was in deep shock and probably still is grieving inside herself in her own way.  I have known people that died all alone and people only showed up at the cemetery for a short time.  Jeannette had so many people that loved her and showered her with gifts of food, flowers, fruit bouquets, cards, books, frequent visits, etc.  She was never alone.  You see, my daughter was so kind and people took a liking to her right away.  She was the most awesome young beautiful woman in this whole world.  Did you get this right?  THE WHOLE WORLD. 
God Bless her friends for being there for LoLo.  I wish for them good health and whatever makes them happy.  I truly appreciate them.  Always will.  I know Jeannette did.  From Heaven too. 

August 22,2011, Monday Morning and Another Day without Her



Ashlee Sian Rocha

Ashlee texted me last night telling me she misses her auntie so very much.  I told her I was making plans to go to WestLake Village to visit Jeannette's grave site on September 3rd.  It will be two years that she passed away.  Ashlee said, "Grandma, I would like to go with you."  I told her yes, it would be good for her due to her extreme grief she has and that it would comfort her to visit her auntie.  Jeannette was the most kindest person on earth.  I remember back in 2006, on one of several trips she would make to visit me that she wanted to see where I worked.  My job was located in the southwest part of Fresno.  It was a school named Teilman.  While she was driving towards the school she noticed some homeless people living under a bush.  I told her that we all called them the bush people.  She had a sad look in her face and told me she was going to buy a basket of apples and bring to those bush people.  I laughed and told her that they needed more than apples. She looked at me and said, "Ma, I could never work where you work cause you have to pass the people everyday on your way to work, it would be too heartbreaking for me."  Jeannette had so much compassion.  I miss her so much. She was sweet and kind and everything a mother would want her child to be.  Just like Ashlee.  Ashlee is just like her auntie.  I love that girl.

She was 9 and so happy here in Corcoran.



Her grandpa, grandma and auntie Donna

Summertime in Corcoran was fun for Jeannette.  She asked me if she could stay with her grandparents for at least a week.  She loved going there because she liked to attend Sunday school and go to church with them.  My parents didn't have much in regards to materialistic things but they had an abundance of love located inside their home and heart.  I look at this picture and notice how Jeannette has her hand on top of her auntie and her grandma.  She adored them so much.  My mother died three months after Jeannette. During her final days in the hospital I asked my mom if she was scared. She opened her beautiful eyes and with that famous beautiful smile she said, "Goya, I'm excited to finally see my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."  I looked at my mom while wiping my tears and told her I didn't want her to die.  She managed to squeeze my hand a little and then went into deep state of coma.  That was the last time she talked to me.  I miss her and Jeannette so very much.  Life is not the same for me anymore.  How I wish I could turn back time and back to June, 1978.  Just like this picture above.  So happy and so carefree. 

This is what Jeannete made: a Lolo





Her Lolol

Look at this pic.  This is the beautiful daughter Jeannette made.  It was the up most magnificent moment of my life watching her being born.  Monty was there holding Jeannette's hand.. I was ther for support.  Jeannette was a mom for the first time.  She cried tears of joy when she gave birth to LoLo.

This is the  one memory that shall remain in my mind forever.  I love this baby girl with all my heart.  Jeannette loved her LoLo so much.   She told me to always be close to her. That is my goal.  I love her so  much.



This is how I Imagined Jeannette when she arrived in Heaven



She is FREE from PAIN

She died on September 3, 2009 and entered the gates of Heaven on September 3, 2009.  She ran straight into our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Free from pain.  No more painful days and nights, no more chemo, no more radiation, no more surgeries, no more crying in excruciating pain.  She is rejoicing now.  As for me, here on earth I wake up thinking about her and going to sleep thinking about her.  I miss her so very much.  A person at my job that lost her husband about 8 months ago is back to normal and is even dating again.  I know everybody deals with grief differently so I guess that's her way.  Or is it because she lost a husband and not a child.  I don't know but I believe that loosing a child is the most painful.  Jeannette left behind four children.  To her, that was what she worried about.  She loved them so very much.  Her husband is just like my co-worker, he has a new woman. Had her all along.  It makes me so sick when I think of how anxious he was for Jeannette to die.  My ex husband was trying to hide the fact that he also had other devious thoughts in mind too.  They both managed to manipulate Jeannette into leaving them substantial amounts of money and material goods.  This is so scandalous to say but I found out by reading her will that my ex had her change up three months before she died and left him $300 thousand dollars.  How about that!  He cut off his other two children and five grandchildren and is now basking in all his blood money.  I have nothing but pity for both of these so called., "Loved Ones" of  Jeannette.  They are extremely happy everyday because they do not have a conscious.  Like my mom said before she died, " The Lord will handle them."  The thing that keeps me going is that one day I know I will see Jeannette again.  My plans are set.  I am going to Heaven.  Praise You Lord!!!!

Donna Loved Her Nettie

My Baby Sis, Donna

It was a cold November day back in 1971 when I gave birth to Jeannette.  One of the first persons that called me at the hospital was Donna.  To Donna, Jeannette would be called Nettie.  She is the one that gave her that nickname.  Jeannette and Donna had such a close relationship that it was natural for Jeannette to invite her to stay with her in Sacramento, Ca. They got along so good.  Donna babysat for Jeannette and made dinner for her when she came home.  Years passed and Jeannette moved back to Fresno and got married.  That did not matter to Donna. She loved her niece so very much and always kept in touch with her.  Donna has a gifted talent.  She writes poetry.  It was Donna who begged me to put the phone next to Jeannette's ear when she was dying in the hospital.  Donna told her she loved her and that she was going to Heaven.  She sang her a song and read verses from the bible to her.  By that time Jeannette was sedated but I know she could hear.  I was told by several nurses that even if a person is sedated, they can hear.  I love my sis for insisting on talking to her even though she lived far away. I shall forever remember the compassion she gave to Jeannette.  It makes me happy to know I have a great family.  We are the Balderama Family from Corcoran, Ca.  A proud and dignified family.  My sis Donna is a blessing. 

Ma, "Send me a Pic with you Smiling Please."

Sad inside but smiling outside

It was late May of 2008.  I was at my job at Teilman School in Fresno, Ca.  She had just been diagnosed on May 15, 2008.  My phone rang.  It was Jeannette with her cute sounding voice telling me all about her doctor appointments. She was sure she would be cured in no time and that she would be back to normal and working again.  I guess the sound of my voice made her worry for me.  She reassured me she would be o.k.  I couldn't help it and started to cry.  She told me to please take a picture of myself and send to her so that she could see I was o.k.  I managed to clear off my mascara that had been running down my cheeks and took the picture just for her.  She was content with it and told me to please go see her the following weekend.  She never found out that after we hung up I ran to my car parked outside my office and cried my eyes out.  The tears kept coming and coming.  I was so deep into the emotion when all of a sudden my co-worker knocked on my window and asked me if I was o.k. I opened my car door and stepped out into her embrace.  She cried with me.  Her name is Grace Evans and she is a clinician in our Fresno County department.  I believe that God had her transfered to Teilman so that she would be there for me even before Jeannette found out she had cancer.  Things happen for reasons unknown to man.  Grace certainly was a blessing to me especially during all of Jeannette's ordeal.  I give thanks to God for all my blessings.  Even the ones I don't quite understand at the time it is happening.  All I know is that I miss my Nettle Poodle so much. 

She Attended Church That Summer Night in Corcoran, Ca.

Angela, Jeannette, Mathew and Rene

The sun took it's time going down on that Wednesday night in July of 2008.  She had traveled far to attend her grandparent's church.  Prayer is what she wanted.  I called my parents and told them Jeannette was coming down from Thousand Oaks and go to church.  They were so very pleased to hear the news.  There were prayer warriors that were being summoned from Visalia, Ca.  and the word was out throughout areas of the small community that Jeannette was coming to town.  My cousin Angela, bless her heart, was so eager to see Jeannette.  Rene, drove down from Tulare, Ca.  She also was going through her own battle with breast cancer but fortunately hers was in first stage whereas Jeannette was in last stage and had metathesized.  I drove Jeannette down along with Mathew.  The church members warmly embraced her and they all prayed for her.  She went up to the front of the church and everyone made a circle around her.  My mother and father prayed for her as did all my relatives and the congregation.  Jeannette trembled and cried as we all did.  I got on my knees and begged God to take this horrible cancer away and make her healthy again.  I guess God wanted her with him.  Like my mom told me, " Only the Lord knows when it's your time to die."  I had to accept the fact that my daughter was leaving this earth.  It tore me up inside.  I felt like a big knife was stabbing me over and over.  I thank God for my family and for the church congregation that were there praying for her.  Jeannette came back for more prayers.  A total of three times.  I appreciate my familia for being there for her.  Jeannette's father and his family never did step inside the church but that's o.k.  Jeannette didn't care.  She held on to the people that truly loved her and in the end that is all that really mattered

Jeannette loved her Grandmother, Angie Balderama.

My beloved Mother and my sis Donna

My mother, Angie Balderama lived in Corcoran, California.  Hundreds of miles apart from Jeannette. This did not stop her from loving her granddaughter.  She was there for me when Jeannette was born and I needed help.  She and Jeannette had a very close relationship.  Jeannette would go with her to Sunday School and my mom would teach her about the bible.  During Jeannette's ordeal with cancer, my mom also was sick and had heart surgery in 2009.  Jeannette called me even though she was gravely ill at the time and told me this. "Ma, please be there for grandma and I wish I could be there too."  I still have her voice on my cell phone telling me to be there for her grandma.  At one point in time she told me she wished that grandma would die first so she could hold her hand in heaven when she got there.  My mom died only three months after Jeannette.  The moment before she died she had her eyes closed and her right arm went straight up as if she was pointing to Heaven.  She died close to midnight on Christmas Day.  I find comfort in believing that right now as I write this about her she is in Heaven holding Jeannette's hand.  I miss them both so much.