HER WEDDING PICTURE

I am looking at her wedding picture and see a beautiful woman so darn happy.  It brings tears to my eyes.  It was a bad marriage from the start.  I never liked him and he knew it.  I could never put this picture up on my blog before.  I had so much hate for him.  Now, I want to see pictures of her being so very happy.  There's no pain in this picture.  She is absolutely stunning and she has NO PAIN.  No problems that she can fore see.  She is living in a fantasy land at this point in time. She called me on her wedding day.  It took place in Lake Tahoe.  It snowed so much that week and I was alone and afraid to drive all the way over there and so I did not attend.  That really gave her husband some ammunition to use against me with her.  She was upset with me at the time because she was so much in love with him.  As you all know by my past blogs, he was cheating on her and was ruthless and abusive towards her end of life.  She told me during her last months that she wished she would have been closer to me and that she realized how much I loved her.  I told her I would fight for her until the end.  I did just that.  O.K. now I am going to make me a hot cup of coffee and watch my Novella and not get all upset about this worthless garbage of a man. 

Anyway, I know my Jeannette is not in pain in this picture and not in pain anymore.  She is in Heaven.  I miss my Nettle Poodle.

SHE CALLED AND SAID, " GRANDMA, I CAN'T BE WITHOUT YOU."

Ashlee Sian

She called me today.  I was busy working.  She said, " Grandma, I can't be without you."  I didn't understand.  Ashlee had moved out of my place and into a three bedroom apartment with two friends.  She told me that she missed being with me and hanging out with me.  She said she realized there's no place like grandma's home.  I felt flattered but at the same time I thought about Jeannette. 

Many years ago when Jeannette was a young teen she moved out and into her dad's house.  I felt real bad and cried.  She was only gone for over one week when she also called me and said, "Ma, can I come back home."  I asked her why and she said that she didn't feel the love that I gave to her.  She said her dad's house was like a hotel.  You check in and nobody talks or even makes dinner.  She said it felt ugly when she would come home from school and to find out her dad and step mom had finished eating dinner and there were no leftovers.  She would ask her dad about dinner and he would say to her, "Call your mother." 

I immediately went over and picked her up and brought her home to me.  She never left again.  She and I were very close.  So, now that Ashlee wants to come back home I say YES.  I love her so much.  I bet if Jeannette were alive she would laugh and tell Ashlee that she did the same thing long ago. 

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

She loved to Doodle. This was one of her last ones.

She was at work one day and had some free time on her hands so she picked up a pen and paper and drew this picture.  A good friend of hers gave it to me right after she died.  I think somebody at her job cleaned out her desk drawer and put it all in a box. When I went to visit her grave, her friend was there and gave it to me.  I look at it and to me it looks like Jeannette when she was a young girl.  I think she did this before she got cancer.  Jeannette was such a good person and she did everything at work to make people feel welcomed.  She loved being in charge of decorating for a party.  That was what she loved best.  Even when she would visit me, she moved my couch around and bought plants and flowers to decorate.  She had such a talent.  I admired her and also her organizational skills.  Everything in her house had it's place.  She could find just about anything within minutes.  Even her garage was organized.  Jeannette was good at just about everything she chose to do.  I bet if she were here right now with me, she would have moved my computer closer to the window and she would redo my bathroom.  I miss all of these things about her.  Her doodle above makes me think she was extremely happy and content at that point in time.  Those flowers she drew are so cute.  I love my Nettle Poodle.

I WAS SHOCKED TO SEE THEY ARE ALL GONE



Corcoran Class of 1965

I was on Face book last night and clicked into a friend's site.  Apparently, the class of 1965 had a 45 year reunion and he had taken this picture.  There are 30 people from the class that have died.  When they were seniors, I was a freshman.  I remember looking up to the pretty Jeannette Hensley and Patricia Cabral.  They were so popular in school back then.  And then there's my high school friend's brother named Rudy Leon and also my friend Margie Williams brother named Frank Gonzales and on and on.  I am shocked to know this.  I think of my Jeannette gone and miss her so very much.  I can only imagine all those folks loosing their loved ones in Corcoran.  I feel their pain.  I have been going through so much pain over loosing my Jeannette.  She was everything to me. 

God Bless and comfort  all the folks from Corcoran that lost their loved ones.. 
Total respect for class of 1965.

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

SHE LOVED GOING TO MY HOME TOWN, CORCORAN,CA.

Jeannette often went to Corcoran, Ca.  A small town southwest of Fresno, Ca.  A small town that happened to have her grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins living there.  She lived in the big city of Los Angeles area in a town called Thousand Oaks but her heart was in Corcoran.  I felt the same as her.  I was raised in that little town.  Back in the day almost everybody knew each other.  I now live in Fresno but in my future plans I will move back into that little town.  So many memories.  Memories of Jeannette traveling there to go to church.  She seeked out her grandparents during her battle with cancer.  She didn't care if there were no shopping outlets or fancy places to eat, etc.  All she cared about was being with her loved ones and going to church.  She once told me that she felt the most loved when she was in the company of me and my side of the family.  Especially her dear grandmother.  Jeannette has left Thousand Oaks forever and her dear grandmother has left Corcoran forever but they shall forever be in all our hearts.  Her grandpa is 85 and  living there on Dairy Avenue and missing them so much.  He calls me often and talks about mom and Jeannette.  We all know they are rejoicing in Heaven and that is good.   I miss my Nettle Poodle.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I AM LETTING THIS DEMON FACE ON MY BLOG

The demon, Danny, Jeannette and Me

  We all received the sad news that her time was short. The cancer had spread in a most vicious way.  Her doctor told her there was nothing anyone could do for her.  She cried out for me on the phone.  All I could understand from her was "Mama."  She was crying and trying to talk to me at the same time.  I asked her to put her dad on the phone.  He got on and told me the devastating news.  It was Thursday night at around 9:00 p.m.  I drove over to Diana's to tell her.  We all got ready and left for Thousand Oaks.  She was up when we arrived.  I ran up to her and hugged her and cried and cried with her.  She was trembling.  Then Daniel and Diana came into the room and cried with her too.  That is one thing I shall never forget.  The look in her sweet face of being so scared to die.  She asked me to sleep with her and so I did.  Next day she announced to all that she wanted to go to Solvang, Ca. 

We all piled into her SUV.  I had never been to Solvang and she knew that so she told me all about the quaint little village town.  It was just like she had described it.  So peaceful and so beautiful.  We window shopped and talked about everyday things.  Then a bakery shop caught her eye so she hurried herself as best as she could.  Diana and Daniel and I followed her in.  She loved the cookies.  I enjoyed watching her eat the cookie with a twinkle in her eyes.  Then as we were walking around the town her dad caught up to us and so we took the picture you see above.  The black and pink jacket she is wearing is currently in my closet.  That is the one I wear when I want to feel as though she is hugging me.  It fits me snug but I still wear it because I imagine her hugging me.  The white piece of paper in her hand are the cookies she was eating.  I see her face not in pain but enjoying the walk and eating her favorite cookie.  This picture means so much to me.  It is the last picture she took of her mom and dad and her.  As time goes by, I look at this picture and want to photo shop and crop the demon out but something stops me from doing it.  I do not know what but it's still here in my album.
At that time, I was not even taking care of myself.  I was just being there for Jeannette and wanted to do anything to make her feel good.  Even taking this long trip to Solvang.  My baby, how I miss her, my Nettle Poodle.

MAMA, PLEASE TAKE ME TO "BILLY IDOL" CONCERT.

Jeannette and Christina (Tina)

It was during her teen years in the 80's.  Jeannette and her best friend had been doing so many fun things together.  One day after I came home from work Jeannette asked me if she could go to the Billy Idol concert at the Selland Arena.  I said no.  She asked again.  I said no.  She asked me over and over.  Finally, I said, "O.K.  but on one condition, I take you." She jumped up and down and was practically screaming out loud.  She was so excited and so off she went to the harvest gold wall phone with the extra long cord to begin calling her friends and telling them the good news.  Her sister Diana walked in and immediately announced that she had to make an important phone call to her friend.  She asked Jeannette to get off the phone.  Jeannette hung up right away and ran to her room to look into her closet and see what she was going to wear to the concert.

I knew it was going to be a long night at the concert and I really wasn't looking forward to it.  Sometimes I react to something without thinking and this was indeed one of my mistakes by telling Jeannette that I would take her.  The day came up for the concert.  Jeannette dressed up so pretty and off we went.  I remember Jeannette smiling so much and having fun at the concert.  Billy Idol was the current Justin Beiber at the time.  All the young girls loved his white blond spiked hair. Jeannette had a poster on her wall of him.  We arrived home almost at midnight.  It was quite a night.  As I washed off my make up and pulled my hair into a ponytail I could hear Jeannette calling Christina and telling her all about the concert.  We had invited her but she couldn't make it.  As I was getting into my bed I could still hear Jeannette.  She was on the phone calling Mona and Lucia and on and on.  She was on a roll.  Next morning I tried waking her up to eat breakfast.  She was sound asleep.  The only way I knew I could wake her up is to fry bacon.   She loved that smell.  Sure enough, she was up and wearing her Billy Idol t-shirt and her bunny house slippers.  She hugged me and said to me that I was the best mom. 

The picture above is of two best friends.  I cherish this picture because it is back in the day when her life was carefree.  No stress, no pain, no worries.  A time in her life when it was full of excitement and laughs with her Tina by her side.  They were each other's sidekicks.  Best friends never die. 

ASHLEE WANTS ME TO ENJOY LIFE AGAIN

It was Friday evening on September 23, 2011.  I had just come home from work and was changing into my comfortable clothes to relax when she called.  I recognized her sweet sounding voice right away.  It was Ashlee, my oldest grandchild.  She had a mission to accomplish and that mission was to make me get out of the house and start enjoying life again.  I told her I was watching television and was sitting comfortably on my couch and she said, "Grandma, please get ready."  I asked her why.  She said it was Homecoming game for Fresno High and that she was taking me to watch it.  Bianca, my other granddaughter is a cheerleader for Fresno High.  I said o.k. and so in about half hour she picked me up.  I managed to not stress watching her zig zag around corners and passing cars on the freeway.  This is Ashlee's first year driving and I tend to be a dashboard driver when I am in her car but tonight I had made up my mind not to say a word.  All went well but I kept thinking about Jeannette and remembering when she was a teenager.  Ashlee reminds me so much of her.  Jeannette always worried about me even to the very end of her life.  I loved her so much and I miss her more each day but like Ashlee says, "I have to start enjoying life again."  It's been two years since she has been gone but the hurt and pain and disgust of that awful cancer still fills my thoughts when I am alone.  I will never forget her young voice calling out to me to help her.  My life is busy with my grandchildren and my Diana and Daniel and also my dad and relatives and friends but I still stop and think of my Jeannette.  My pretty pretty Jeannette.  I think of the times she asked me if she could go to the football games when she was in high school. I sat in the stands and wondered to myself that at one point in time she also sat in the stands cheering on the Roosevelt Rough Riders. 

I arrived home from the game at 10:00 p.m.  Had to hurry up and go to sleep, my dad was coming to visit me in the morning.  I have to keep busy and enjoy life again.  I know that is what Jeannette would want for me.  I miss my Nettle Poodle.

The Balderamas, A VERY LOVING FAMILY

My mom, brother Sam, sis-in-law Elsa and my dad.

Here they are, the famous Balderamas of Corcoran, California.  My mom had a blessing when my brother and his family appeared at her doorstep on a summer night in July of 2009.  She had been released from the hospital a few days before and was at home recuperating from open heart surgery.  My dad was her complete supportive system.  Always had been since they were married in 1948.  Jeannette was always on my mom's mind.  She kept asking about her and kept praying for her even though she was gravely ill also.  What a joyous occasion when we all got together to celebrate my brother coming into town all the way from Maryland, Virginia.  He started roots over there as soon as he was released with honorable discharge from the Air force and married his love of his life, Elsa.  We all had a good time visiting with each other but I had to leave kind of early to go see Jeannette in Thousand Oaks.  When I look at this picture I see the most happiest smile on my mom's face.  She was actually out of bed for the first time on that day.  She died on Christmas Day. I miss my mommy so very much.  She and Jeannette are rejoicing in Heaven now.  I know, I just know in my heart that I will see them both one day. 

THEY REMIND ME OF JEANNETTE AND DIANA



Bianca and Ashlee

Look at this beautiful picture.  It is Bianca and Ashlee hanging out together. That is just the way Diana and Jeannette were. 
 They enjoy each others company and so they make sure to make time for sisterly love.  Ashlee has her own apartment that she shares with two other roommates.  She is on a tight budget and has to watch what she spends.  I called her and told her that she could move in with me and that she wouldn't pay for nothing at all.  She could put her money in bank and save it.  She laughed and said, " Grandma, it's all about FREEDOM.  I laughed with her and I told her I understand.
 After we hung up and as I was sitting down on my comfortable chair relaxing, I remembered long ago when Jeannette told me she was moving out.  I remember crying and asking her why.  We had a good mother and daughter connection and we were always laughing about something or another so I didn't understand why she would want to leave me.
 She sat me down and told me, "Ma, I joined the United States  Air Force and I am leaving to basic training on Saturday."  She went on to say that she wanted to serve our country and wanted to see the world. 
When she said goodbye to me at the airport I remember walking to my car feeling real sad and lonely.  I was by myself for the first time as a mother.  All three children were gone.  No more loud music and friends popping in and out of the house.  It was quiet.  I mean you could hear a pin drop.  Those days were full of sadness for me.  At one point in time I sat on my living room floor looking at albums of my children and crying.  When Jeannette came back from basic training I started really living again. Life was back to normal because I had my Jeannette back.
 So pretty, so smart, so loving.  My Nettle Poodle.  I miss her so much. 

"HOW ABOUT THEM RAIDERS, MAMA."

She loved the Raiders football team.  A very close friend of hers told me that she loved laying on the bed with her Raider blanket watching the games.  She went to so many games in Oakland during her life.  I can still hear her calling me on saying to me, "How Bout them Raiders, mama." I remember laughing and telling her I loved her so much and was happy she was out having fun. 

Today is Saturday, September 17, 2011.  I woke up thinking about her and got onto Face Book to post something I dreamed about last night.  As I read thru people's posts, I realize that most people are all about families and friends.  Not one person has posted about all the money they have or about to have or just brag about their lives.  I have friends who genuinely love family and friends.  I believe life is about that and to respect people and love one another.  But, unfortunately, there are those who choose to do otherwise.  Too bad they have no conscious and only think of themselves. 

When I hear my granddaughter tell me how sad she is that her grandpa does not call her or even bother to just say hello, it hurts me.  She told me that her grandpa called her and when she answered the phone she recognized his voice so she said, " Grandpa."  He immediately realized he dialed the wrong number and hung up on her.  She was to say the least, devastated.  I wanted to go over his house and knock on his door and tell him that he is going straight to HELL for treating his family that way.  These are his own children and grandchildren.  Knowing him, he would call 911 on me.  At this point in my life living without my Jeannette, I just don't care if they sent me to Chowchilla prison for knocking some sense into this demon of ex husband. 

O.K. now I want to say is that I am enjoying this nice weather and hanging out with my 5 year old grandson. We are going to Costco.  I will pick up my other granddaughter, Bianca from cheer practice and head out to lunch.  I bet if Jeannette was here she would be hanging out with me and her kids too. She loved all of us.  God Bless my children and grandchildren.   

2009, THE LAST FLOWERS SHE SENT ME

It was close to Mother's Day in 2009.  I was at work when the Fed Ex man came in to the office and announced my name.  He gave me a big white box.  I immediately opened it and much to my surprise it was a bouquet of flowers.  It came with a vase and it was the kind that you put the flowers together in it.  Later that day I put it together and called Jeannette.  She asked me if I liked them.  I said I did and that she shouldn't be troubling herself by focusing on me.  She said to me, "Ma, you are the most wonderful mom and I have to let you know somehow, someway.  She asked me to take a picture of the flowers so that she could see what her $50.00 worth of flowers looked like.  So, I took this picture.  She immediately called me and told me she didn't like them and that she was going to call the company and complain.  She said that those were not the ones she ordered, etc.  I told her this.  "Mija, I am happy just because you did this for me and I don't care if you sent me just one leaf. "  She said, "O.K. mom, if you're happy then I am happy too."  Right now I am looking at this picture and I see all the love that went into giving these flowers to me.  She must have been in pain.  She probably didn't sleep again.  Her wrist probably hurt when she was calling on the phone to order them.  She probably felt dizzy walking around trying to find the phone number to the floral place.  I imagine all sorts of things she had to do to make me happy.  Here she was thinking of others instead of herself.  My daughter, what a loving and awesome human being.   I miss her and I want to reassure the people that read this post that little things in life do count and that whatever gesture a loved one makes to show how much they love you it is a blessing.    My Nettle Poodle.  I Miss YOU.

My Mija, So Proud of You

September 15, 2011:  Had a pleasant surprise today when Jeannette's dear friend, Sarah e-mailed me this picture of Jeannette.  She was with the 146th paying tribute to President Reagan who had just died.  She was at the airport on that day.  I look at this picture and see such natural beauty and I am so proud of her for all that she did for our Nation.  God rest her soul and rest in peace mija.  Te amo y te estrano mucho.  Un dia pronto los vamos a mirar en el cielo.  Eras una gran hija y una gran mama de cuatro hijos.  Los dejastes tristes.  Muy Tristes. 

My Nettle Poodle.

HER BATTLE WITH BREAST CANCER

My precious Nettle Poodle

She had been fighting hard against this cancer when this picture was taken.  Never missed her Chemo, Radiation or doctor appointments. She took all the medicines that were prescribed for her. Drank plenty of water and ate the right foods to keep up her energy.  As I sat across from her in this picture I noticed that she would doze off every now and then. She would be in the middle of a sentence and then she would close her eyes and not say anything else.  I knew it was the heavy pain medications that made her that way.  My poor mija, she suffered so very much.  Never giving up and always taking care of her children. We would cry together and I would hold her in my arms.  She told me plenty of times how much she loved me.  We watched old movies and cozy up with some of her soft blankets on her couch.  Jeannette was so loving towards me.  She always wanted me with her.  I was there to comfort her and to help her in anyway I could.  Well, it's been two years since she died but it seems like just yesterday.  It's almost midnight and I had to get up and write this because sometimes I just can't sleep just thinking about her.  I better try right now because tomorrow is going to be very busy at work and I need to be alert.   I love my Nettle. 

DISNEYLAND, THAT'S WHERE SHE TOOK THEM

I believe it was May of 2009 when she announced to us that she wanted to go one last time to Disneyland with her family.  She arranged to stay 2 days there.  As I drove back to Fresno I thought about how much energy she was using on her broken down body.  I know that in the past years when I went to visit Disneyland it took up all my energy walking around, standing in long lines, etc.  She just did not care about herself and what really was important to her was her children.  She wanted to make memories with them.  I kept my personal feelings about her going to myself.  Jeannette had a mind of her own and never was influenced by anyone except for one person and that was her dad.  From the early age of 16, she believed everything that came out of that man's mouth.  I could not stop it.  Nobody could.  Even before her diagnosis and while on the verge of divorce she called her dad to ask for advice.  He told her to stay with her husband even if he was abusive to her because she would end up on the welfare lines if she left him.  Come on now, Jeannette was making a hell of alot more money than her husband and had so many benefits.  However, he convinced her to stay and I believe with all my heart that was the biggest mistake she made.  I could not make her change her mind.  So, I witnessed such abuse that it is making me cry right now when I write these words.  My mother told me once that my ex was a professional liar and scammer and that one day he will pay for all that he has done to me and our children.  If  I would have had my way, I would have moved Jeannette to Fresno and had her in the care of so many loved ones that had so much compassion for her.  She would have been buried here in Fresno and I would have her close to me so that I could visit her everyday.  Right now I know she is in Heaven and rejoicing in God's loving arms.  I totally miss her so much and today I listened to her voice again on my cell phone.  It sounds so crisp and so sweet just like as if she is still here on earth.   I pray each day that I go to heaven to reunite with my baby one day.  I just gotta get that unforgiving sin out of me.  It is hard. Real hard to do.  O.K. so today at 9:00 a.m. I did say to myself  "I forgive them."  But by 9:05 a.m. I started hating again and I am back to square one again.  I am trying.  Please Lord help me.

MIJA, I WILL TRY SO HARD TO FORGIVE THEM

Today is Sept. 12, 2011.  Got up early and first thing I did was think of her.  She is always on my mind.  Made coffee, ironed my clothes, made my bed, etc.  and all the while thinking of her.  Yesterday I was talking to my brother Ron.  I had given him a ride to the store.  When I parked in front of his house he said, "Sis, I need to talk to you about something that has been on my mind." I looked at him, my younger brother, such a sweet person and such a God fearing man.  He sure does have a great testimony about his life which took a turn for the positive when he opened his heart to God.  So, as I looked over at him, I knew he was going to tell me something about the bible.  At least I hoped he would.  I mean, I haven't done anything to make him be upset with me.  So, I listened as he went into detail about what he was about to tell me.  Bottom line is that he said I have the spirit of unforgiving in my heart and until I let it go, I will not reach the kingdom of Heaven.  He said to me, " Goya, you are very hurt by everything that Danny, Pat and all others that committed injustice to Jeannette."  I stopped him right in the middle of what he was going to say and told him this.  "Yes, Yes, Yes, I hate, I despise , I rebuke them."  He looked at me and said to me, "Goya, I know you are a good person by everything you do for your children, dad and relatives and friends."  I nodded yes, that's me.  He said, " Goya, all the good things you do are not going to get you into Heaven."  He said, " God forgave us for our sins, and YOU need to forgive those that trespass against you."  My brother tried to reason with me saying to me it's not good for me to harbour all the resentment and hate.  I told him that as much as I try, I can't let go of that feeling.  I told him I was there when my daughter was being yelled, cussed at and manipulated.  He said, "Goya, just let it go, because if you should die tonight, you will not reach the kingdom of Heaven because you held on to the spirit of unforgiving."  We talked for at least an hour.  I drove home crying and thinking about everything he said to me.  Today, I am working on it.  Step by step and inch by inch, I will let it go.  Nobody in this world was Jeannette's mom except me.  I love her so very much and it is hard for me to say to the people that hurt her, "O.K. I forgive you."  I know that it is best for my health and I am not getting any younger so I will try.  I called him today and told him I am trying.  Really trying. 

LOREAL LOVED HER MAMA SO MUCH

Ashlee on bed and Loreal sleeping

It was during Jeannette's last week on this earth.  Her daughter Loreal insisted on spending the night with her mom.  She brought along Ashlee, her cousin because at that time, Ashlee and the rest of the family were in Ventura, in the hospital.
Loreal, massaged her mama's legs because Jeannette had pain radiating from her lower back to her legs.  She had tremendous pain all over but especially her legs. Loreal put cream on her mama's legs to sooth them.  She poured cold water in a cup and put a straw in it so when her mama was thirsty she could have it ready.  Loreal was beside herself.  She has always been the kind of girl to keep all her emotions inside of her.  She struggled for words but was so scared for her mama that she barely said a few words.  Her eyes were red and I could tell she had been crying in the bathroom all by herself.  Ashlee was the complete opposite. She let out her emotions and cried on my shoulder so much.  Jeannette kept dozing off and on hour by hour only a minute or two and then the pain would wake her up.  Loreal made sure to stand by her to see if she could help her in whatever she needed.  Before long, it was dinner time.  I told Loreal and Ashlee to go to the cafeteria and get a bite to eat.  Loreal hesitated but Ashlee convinced her that she had to eat something to keep up her energy.  So, off they went.  Within minutes they were back with bowls of soup and crackers.  Loreal had decided that she wanted to get back to her mom as quick as possible.  It was around 1:30 in the morning that I took this picture of them dozing off for a little while.  Ashlee jumped on the empty bed next to Jeannette's and Loreal sat in a chair close to Jeannette.  I could tell that Loreal was lightly sleeping because she kept opening her eyes and looking at her mom. 
I am so very proud of Loreal.  She showed her mama that she loved her so much.  Jeannette felt that too.  I hope Loreal knows how much we all love her.  She was her mama's only girl.  She loved her LoLo.  

1965 YOUNG AND INNOCENT

It was almost at the end of 1965 that I took this picture in front of my house on Earl Avenue in Corcoran, Ca.  I was 16 years old.  My life has always been full of stress.  Ever since I can remember I was stressing because I was either cold or hungry.  We were considered a family on the poverty line back then.  I never had enough of anything.  I was the oldest and therefore, had several responsibilities.  I was given exactly 15 minutes to get home from school or else I would be grounded.  My parents were very strict with me.  Worst thing of all is that I had to make 100 tortillas per day.  I had been doing it since I was 12 years of age. 
One day at Corcoran High School when I was only a freshman, a cute guy came up to my locker and asked me if he could walk me home.  I looked up at him and was instantly smitten.  I was "pure volada" and was so excited cause he actually was carrying all my books for me as we walked.  I told him that he could not walk me all the way home due to strict parents and relatives that were scoping the streets around the high school.  He said o.k.  We walked while making small talk.  A few blocks from home I stopped and asked him for my books and told him that was as far as he could walk me.  As he was handing me my books, my tia Lala and my uncle Mauricio drove by real slow.  I had a feeling that they would call my parents and tell them so I hurried home.  As soon as I opened the door, I asked my mom if Tia LaLa had called her. She said no.  I was so happy my tia didn't snitch on me.  Anyway, I ended falling in love with him and eventually at the young age of 17 married him.  All the while thinking he was the answer to all the stress and poverty I lived in.  Well, sad to say, it was the biggest mistake of my life.  The only beautiful thing that came out of my marriage was my three beautiful children.  I had Diana, Daniel and Jeannette.  I feel guilty for having him as their father.  In the end I was both mother and father to them.  If I could use one word to describe him it would be DEMON.  Some day he will pay for all that he has done to my children.  I don't care about me.  My children is what I care about.

I STOPPED CRYING AND SMILED FOR HER

Her Mama

It was May of 2009.  I was in Fresno and spending the night in Diana's back house so that we could all head to Thousand Oaks early in the morning.  Diana made me a comfortable bed and made dinner for me.  Anxiety, nervousness, palpitations, etc.  I had it all and then she called.  Asking if I was o.k. and telling me she was worried about me.  Here she was dying of cancer and in horrific pain and she was calling ME, to ask if I was o.k.  I said yes mija.  She said, "Send me a picture so that I can see for sure that you are o.k.  I did.  I managed to break out a smile for her.  Had to powder my nose  a little.  She had made me do that once before.  After we hung up I went over to talk to Diana and I told her what I had to do for Jeannette to believe I was o.k.  Diana said, "Mom, just know we love you. "  She went on to say that I have been a mother and father to her, Daniel and Jeannette.  I broke down crying again and then went to bed.  We all left Fresno at around 6:00 a.m. and stopped in Bakersfield for breakfast.  Diana brought Jeannette's favorite music and we listened to it all the way to her house.  We arrived at her home and she welcomed us with open arms and so many tears of joy.  Right now it's almost 9:30 p.m. and it makes me cry to know she will never greet me at her door.  I shall never feel her warm embrace and her gentle kiss on my cheek.  I shall never hear her say to me, "Ma, I love you so much."  o.k. now I am heading for bed before I totally loose it again.  

He Needed His Cousins That Day

Ashlee, Matt, Bianca

It was November, 2009.  I traveled to Thousand Oaks with Ashlee and Bianca to see my grandchildren.  I took this picture of at a pizza place.  Ashlee and Bianca comforted Mathew.  On the way to Thousand Oaks I talked about how he was going through emotional stages.  It was only two months that his mom had died.  Ashlee said, "Not to worry Gramma, I got it covered."  Bianca said, "Me Too."  They made Mathew laugh and they talked to him about past good memories.  They comforted Conner and Shane too.  Loreal was in Fresno during our visit.  I am proud of Ashlee and Bianca.  

I WONDER WHY SHE HAD TO LEAVE ME

"STUNNING"

She was Stunning, such a beautiful young mother of four. 

Hippocrates:  Illnesses do not come upon us out of the blue.  They are developed from small daily sins against nature.  When enough sins have accumulated, illnesses will suddenly appear.

She told me that there are consumer products on shelves that are very harmful to humans, such as some deodorants, plastics, etc.  I once left a bottle of water in my car and was about to drink it when she told me that it probably had toxins since it was made of plastic and the water had been sitting too long in a hot car.    I threw that bottle out quick. She said to avoid exposure to toxic chemicals in the air, food, water, and cosmetics.  Jeannette had been reading alot about health and was determined to win her battle with cancer.  She had a wonderful soul, a kind heart and a great brain.  Her organizational skills were extraordinary and I knew she had all the tools to fight this cancer that was slowing making it's way all around inside her body.  It took this cancer only 15 months to end my daughter's life.  She fought hard.  Towards the end she knew it was almost over because she told me so.  I shall never forget her telling me to please make sure Loreal, Ashlee, Bianca, Diana and me, check our breast every month and any first signs of abnormality to have a doctor check.  Jeannette was always thinking of others.  As i sit here on a Monday night I wish my phone would ring and it was Jeannette.  I imagine hearing her voice full of excitement telling me that she is coming to visit me.  Well, my phone did ring right now, it was Diana wanting to know how I make my enchiladas so good.  Reality sets in.  I am without my Nettle Poodle. 
                                                                   

La Hija Mia Esta En La Gloria Con Diosito

Mi Carinosa Hija.

Dicen que en este mundo todo se paga.  Es verdad.  Un dia pronto las personas que maltrataron a mi hija van a pagar.  Ella sufrio mucho de el cancer de los cenos.  Ninguna medicina le podia cuitar el tremendo dolor que ella sufria dia y noche.  El esposo no la soportaba y el mendigo tenia una amante y pensaba que yo no sabia.  El padre de Jeannette es un demonio y nomas piensa en una sola cosa, y esa cosa es dinero.  El la manipulava para que mija cambiaba su documentos el le dejava $ 300, 00.00.  Ese mendigo se va hir al inferno un dia.  Agui estoy a solas en mi casa y muy triste porque ella esta muerta. El dia 3 de Septiembre en el 2009, si murio.  Para mi es como si apenas se murio.  Estoy profundamente estraniandola mucho.  Todos los dias me la paso pensando en ella. Tengo muchos requerdos de ella.  Mija, Jeannette esta en los bracos de Dios y yo se que no tiene nada de dolor.  Ella era todo para ami y todavia es.  Yo creo que un dia vamos estar huntas otra vez.  Esta escrito en la biblia.  Mija, le gustava mucho estar en las montianas y en el snow.  Me gusta mucho este retratro.  Un dia voy estar muy contenta con mija en mi lado. 

A BEAUTY WITH BEAUTY ALL AROUND HER

I found this picture and I am trying to figure out when and where this one was taken.  I look at the scenery and see how beautiful it is.  I look at her and see her beauty.  It could have been in Hawaii or maybe in Aruba or maybe at Malibu.  I do not know.  I looked real close up at her eyes and to me it seems like she had been crying and is forcing a smile.  Or is it my imagination.  I think it was before she found out she had cancer.  Could she just have gotten over an argument with her husband.  She was on the verge of divorce when she went to Hawaii.  If it was taken in Hawaii, I know she was struggling with her emotions.  Or was she out with her friends from work at Malibu and maybe the sun was shinning too much on her face.  I do know she had several close friends and loved spending time with them.  Hopefully, she was in this picture.  O.K., now I am coming to a conclusion in my mind that she really was happy in this picture and that she was far away from her husband at the time.  I am content now. 

Slater School, Fresno, California. Her First Year in School



Nettle's first year

 It was Slater Elementary School.  Can you find her in this picture.  Front row second little girl with white ribbons in her hair.  She was such a cute little girl. Gosh, how the years have gone by so fast.  It feels like yesterday that I got her ready for this picture.  I remember how I kept telling her not to do what her older sister had done on her school picture.  It seems that Diana did not like the fancy hairdo that I had managed to do on her hair so when it came time for her to take the picture, she put on her hooded jacket.  I was upset and shocked when I saw the pictures.  Diana always had her own personal style going on and at that point in time I made a mistake by insisting the "Shirley Temple" look on her.  She was already in 4th grade when that happened.  So, naturally, I was hoping Jeannette would not take down her pigtails with pretty white ribbons.  She didn't let me down.  I bought every single picture from the school packet.  Her teacher died a year later from brain cancer and there was a big write-up in our local paper about the big PG&E power lines causing a cluster of cancer in our neighborhood.  We moved away from there and relocated to southeast Fresno and far away from the electric power poles.  Jeannette began to attend school at Easterby Elementary.  She soon made lots of friends.  After that she went to Ayer Elementary.  She excelled in school and was never in trouble except during one conference the teacher told me that Jeannette was "very sociable" and loved to visit each one of her friends before she actually sat down to do her work.  I remember coming home and telling her that she couldn't do that.  She looked at me and said, "Mom, I have to greet my friends and I can't just walk in and ignore them."  Now, as I reflect on that statement I know she had it in her from the start.  "She loved her friends. " She was a loving person. Such a kind heart.  My Nettle Poodle.  

Victoria Gabriella Balderama Centeno, You made Her Happy.

Class of 2011

Jeannette adored Tori.  They had a special bond.  One day long ago, Tori was spending time in Fresno for the summer.  I had picked her up in Corcoran and she was to spend one week in Fresno with me.  It was 2007, and it just so happened that Jeannette had come to Fresno for a visit. This was very exciting news for Tori because she loved Jeannette so much.  I made sure to pick up Bianca at my daughter Diana's house so that Tori had somebody her own age to hang out with and have fun.  I had plans to take the girls to the movies and out to lunch when all of a sudden Jeannette drove up in her new SUV with music blaring.  I ran outside to greet her.  She looked absolutely stunning.  Such a beautiful young mother.  She always had the latest styles going on.  She jumped off her car and ran straight into my arms.  I was so happy to see her.  Tori and Bianca hugged her too.  Jeannette sat down on the living room couch and talked to Tori and Bianca. One of the questions she asked Tori was if she had her new school clothes ready for school to start.  Tori, has always had a shy personality and is soft spoken so when Jeannette asked her that question, she mumbled a little tiny "no".  That put Jeannette loving brain into action.  She announced that she was taking Tori and Bianca to River park and Fashion Fair on a shopping spree.  I wanted to tag along but Jeannette said, "No, Ma, you rest here cause we are gonna do alot of walking."  I did stay and managed to catch up on my house chores while they were gone.  OMG, when they returned home there was piles of bags being put on top of my couch.  Tori was so excited to show me everything.  I sat there in amazement looking at all the nice clothes, shoes, handbags, etc.  Bianca showed me her things too. Both girls were hugging Jeannette as they talked a mile a minute about all the fun they had.  Tori went home back to Clayton, California and back to school wearing all that Jeannette had bought her. 
When the news of Jeannette having breast cancer filtered throughout our family, friends and relatives it made it's way to Clayton and into the lovely home where Tori sat in her room reading her book.  Her mother, Donna, told her the devastating news.  Tori took it very hard but made a vow that she would graduate high school and go on to college and make her cousin, Jeannette so very proud of her.  That's the kind of person Tori is.  She has the sweetest way about her, just like Jeannette.  A kind heart just like her father, (RIP) Victor Centeno.  She is very blessed to have an awesome mother like my sis, Donna.  I pray that Tori continues to follow her dreams and reach all the goals she has set out to.  She is young, beautiful and smart.  Just like my Nettle Poodle.

SEPTEMBER 3, 2011 - A DAY I SHALL NEVER FORGET

MY NETTLE



My sis, Donna



Last night I kept tossing and turning in bed.  I guess I was restless since I knew today I was going to struggle with my emotions.  My dad came over at around 7:30 a.m. all the way from Corcoran to see me.  I made a fresh pot of coffee and we sat in my living room talking.  He is a retired pastor and I totally value his words of wisdom.  He comforted me and reassured me that one day I will see Jeannette.  We went out to breakfast.  I ordered an omelet and was not too happy with the ingredients in it. I was about to complain to my dad about it but realized that this type of issue was not that important compared to other things such as dealing with my grief today.  He left at around noon.  My sister Donna called me and we both cried on the phone.  She feels my pain. I am truly blessed to have a loving family to support me during this difficult time.  I thank you sis for always being there for me.  You are my living ANGEL.  My Jeannette loved you so very much.   Rest in Peace, my Nettle Poodle.

THIS IS WHAT SHE CRIED THE MOST ABOUT

Today is two years since my Jeannette died.  She died at 3:36 p.m.  Her heart couldn't beat anymore because the pain medication was jacked up so much in order to full fill her husband's wishes.  She could have lived longer but there was a plan in place and it worked for him.  Anyway, I woke up crying for her this morning.  I will never forget all the tears she shed and her telling me that she didn't want to leave her children.  She loved them more than anything on this earth.  Conner, Shane, Mathew and Loreal had the most awesome mother.  I will never forgive Jeannette's father for not stepping up to the plate and fight for what was right.  He just didn't care.  His mind was only on one thing and it was the MONEY.   I bet that when he goes to sleep at night he has nightmares now.  I bet also, he is not happy.   I rebuke him and everyone that went along with Pat's wishes.  Someday, they will all pay.  All I know right now is that I miss her so much and I have tears flowing and anger bursting at the seams all over again today.  Please pray for me today.  My Jeannette, my baby.  How I miss her.

My Baby is Gone but Never Forgotten



My Baby

Here she is, my beautiful baby Jeannette.  She loved taking her bath.  Look at her and see what a pretty little doll face she had.  She had five teeth and she ate anything I gave her.  I loved taking care of her.  The best baby any mother could want.  Just by looking at her smile, I know she was happy with me.  This makes me feel good.  I wish I would have never left her with babysitters.  I wish I never went to work early in the morning before she was up.  If I could be a young mother again, I would have stayed home with my babies.  Time goes by so quickly and before long they are all grown up and have their own families.   Jeannette told me long ago that she loved me and that she realized all the sacrifices I made to give her a better life.  My heart aches for my baby. My Nettle Poodle.  Looking at this picture, I feel like picking up the cup and putting water in it and giving her a bath.  My Baby.  

My Three Granddaughters

Bianca, Ashlee and Loreal

December 25, 2010.  They were together enjoying the day with each other.   Ashlee and Bianca wanted to spend some time with Loreal to comfort her because it had only been one year that Jeannette had died.  I was at my dad's house in Corcoran, Ca. comforting him because my mother died on December 25, 2009.  It was a difficult time for him too. I think about how Jeannette would have loved to be with her children especially at Christmas time.  She used to love decorating her home and having a big Christmas tree full of presents for her loved ones. I think about my mom always asking my dad to make a Ham or Turkey for our Christmas dinner.  I always made sure to give my mom her favorite cream( visible difference).  It was expensive but I didn't care cause it was for my mommy.  It is now one day before the two year anniversary of Jeannette's death. My life is never gonna be the same. I miss her everyday more and more.  She did not want to die. She cried to me saying, "What about my babies,ma."  I shall never forget her sadness when she was told by her doctor that there was nothing more they could do.  I mean, I feel bad when I am at the back of a long line waiting to get tickets to concert and when I finally get to the front, the person selling the tickets says, "Sorry, no more tickets."  But, for a doctor to tell a patient there is nothing more I can do to let you live has got to be the ultimate devastating news.  It hit me like a bullet was entering my heart.  I cried with my daughter.  I hugged her and she trembled in my arms.  Now, I know she is rejoicing in Heaven so that in itself comforts me.  I miss her so much.  My Nettle Poodle, my baby girl.  I pray that Bianca, Ashlee and Loreal never get breast cancer.  I love them so very much.  And if Loreal is reading this please know that I will always be here for you, baby.  Unconditional Love. 

My Girls, My Sweet Girls, My Flesh and Blood

Nettle and Diana

Today is Thursday, Sept. 1, 2011.  On Saturday will be two years since Jeannette passed.  As I was driving home I played some music she loved.  It brought me to tears by the time I turned the corner to my home. Diana called and said she dreamed of her and it was as if it were real.  I remember that about a month before she died she called me.  She said to me that while she was lying in her bed late at night that she saw tiny little angels twinkling all around her.  She was crying when she told me, " Ma, please believe me."  I told her I did and that God sent her the Angels so she would know he is real and he was there to comfort her.  I knew the time was getting close to the end when she saw the angels.  It broke my heart as I lay in my bed after the phone call.  I was talking to a co-worker during my break today about Jeannette.  She said that I need to be strong and let it go.  That I need to focus on myself and just live life to the fullest.  I looked at her and I said to her that I will never ever let "it go".   My daughter will never be forgotten.  Never, NO not Never.   I guess everyone on this earth has different views on death.  Some people just forget and go on about their lives.  Some go party the minute the casket is put in the hole.  I am not some people.  I am Gloria Rocha, the mother of a beautiful daughter named Jeannette Eileen and I shall never stop being her mother.  I shall die missing her. 

Jeannettes Boys, 2011

Conner



Shane




Mathew



My latest pics of these precious grandchildren.  Glad to see the great big smiles on their faces.  It's been two years since their mommy died.    Love them.