TO ALL MY FANS THAT FOLLOW MY BLOG

Dear Fans of my blog.  I wish you all the happiness that life can bring to you all in 2012.  I also wish for you good health.  Please get your annual check up and ladies please get your mammogram.  I do not want another mother like myself to suffer at loosing a daughter.  It is more painful than anything in this world.  God Bless You all.
Happy New Year. 

LIFE GOES ON. MY ASHLEE CELEBRATING A NEW YEAR.

HERE IS A PIC OF MY ASHLEE, MY GRANDDAUGHTER CELEBRATING A NEW YEAR. 
I pray she continues to have good health. That she gets her breast checked for cancer.  That 2012 brings her much happiness.  I love her. 

ALL THE WAY FROM HEAVEN, HAPPY NEW YEAR

Here she is right from the beginning of her battle with breast cancer, 2008.  She has a positive outlook that she will win and be here with us as we celebrate this New Year's Eve of 2011.  Sad to say, she didn't make it.  She is in Heaven but I know in my heart she is saying, "HAPPY NEW YEAR."

MY LIFE HERE ON EARTH HAS NEVER BEEN THE SAME.  MISSING HER SO MUCH. 

ANOTHER YEAR UPON ME. ANOTHER YEAR WITHOUT U

As another year leaves my world and a new one about to make it's entrance, I continue on being me.  I love my children and grandchildren with all my heart.  I try and help out my family as best as I can.  I will continue to get up early every morning and thank God for another day.  I will go to work and put in my usual 8 hour shift.  I will drive home alone and walk into my house alone and continue my life alone.  It does not matter if I am surrounded by people during my day, I still feel alone.  I am alone with my profound pain at loosing my Jeannette.  No, I do not cry every single day and no I am not in deep depression.  I am living day by day.  Focusing on the positive.  I miss her so much but what can I do.  Nothing.  The damage has already been done.  The destruction of my happy life I had when she was alive.  She was the most amazing child and so loving towards me.  I hate so much the injustice she received during her battle with breast cancer.  First of all, her uncaring monster of a husband.  A useless piece of garbage.  He tormented her, disrespected her even to her dying days in the hospice room.  Someday, I know he will pay.  Next, my ex husband, her father.  He manipulated her and he had devious reasons for staying at her home, you see he talked her into changing her will.  That man is a living demon.  I regret marrying him. He has no relations with his children or grandchildren.  He hurt them so much by not being in their lives and being a loving person.  Instead he and his wife choose to worship money.  Someday, he will also pay. 
2012:  Will be another year of me giving all that I can give to my family.  Another year to Love God and to live a life being good and compassionate towards people.  May God bless me with good health and may he help me to cope with the sadness I have missing my Jeannette.  My Nettle Poodle.

HER SMILE BRIGHTENED UP ANY ROOM

What a pretty picture of my Jeannette.  She was so photogenic.  Most of her pictures hardly ever have her smiling like this one.  She had a beautiful smile.  Had a good and kind heart.  She loved us all.  During her last days in 2009 she said to me that she knew I how much I loved her .  The thing she never found out is that I suffer tremendous grief over loosing her.  It makes me feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest.  I can't even begin to describe the total feeling.  I miss her so much.  I never had closure with her.  She was sedated against my wishes by her husband.  Well, I better not even go into that again because all the anger comes out all over and it's not good for me. 

All I know is that another day came and went without her. 
I miss my Nettle Poodle.

ME AND MY GIRLS 1985

Here is a picture of me and my girls.  Diana and Jeannette.  We went out to celebrate Diana's birthday at a local park. Jeannette and Diana were very close and knew everything about each others personal lives.  Every time I tried to get information about Diana, Jeannette would act like she didn't know what I was talking about.  Every time I tried to get information about Jeannette, Diana would change the subject.  For the most part, they were good young girls.  Hardly ever gave me any problems.  Diana knew she could not skip school for anything.  I was always on her about her graduating.  She did just that.  Graduated from Roosevelt High school.  Jeannette graduated from Clovis West.  I am so proud of both of my girls.  Diana has three children and lives close to me.  I am less than five minutes away from her.  Jeannette had four children.  Her oldest lives in Fresno and the boys all live in Thousand Oaks.  My son has two sons.  I am hoping he and his wife try for another baby and it turns out to be a baby girl.  I have nine grandchildren.  Three girls and six boys.  So proud to be a grandma.  My Jeannette never got a chance to be a grandmother but I know she is our Angel in Heaven. 
I miss her so much.

LOOK AT HOW HAPPY SHE WAS WITH HER BFF

TINA AND JEANNETTE

It must have been either  fourth of July or somebody somewhere was having a party.  I see how happy they both look and it brings back so many memories.  Memories of always hearing her tell me she was with Tina and had so much fun.  She commented about what they wore and what they had to drink.  She always gave me the 411.  To this day I know if I see Tina that I will cry.  She reminds me so much of Jeannette.  Her style, the ways she does her hair, etc. but mostly how nice she is.  She has a beautiful heart just like my Jeannette did. 

I PRAY 2012 WILL BE GOOD YEAR FOR ME

Well, it's almost 2012.  I pray and hope that 2012 will be a good year for me.  Maybe I will have better days regarding my grief and that I continue to be healthy and strong.  I noticed today how strong I am because I actually lifted a big heavy case of water and onto the trunk of my car.  Then I picked it up again and brought it into my house.  I manage to do everything by myself because there is nobody here to ask to do it for me.  I was at work today talking about one of my dear friends and telling my co-worker what an awesome daughter my friend is to her dad.  Her father has Alzheimer's and my friend has him at home taking care of him even though she works too.  She had told me that she never wanted to put her dad in a convalescent home because she feared he would not be taken care of as good as she.  Well, sad to say, I got a text message from her today.  This morning at 7:30 a.m. she went into his room to get him up for breakfast and he would not wake up.  She called out to her son to help her.  Then they both realized her dad had died.  Needless to say, she is totally devastated.  Her love for her dad was like no other.  She sang to him and she talked to him all the time even though his mind had left him long ago.  She bathed him, dressed him, etc.  And kept her full time job.  Her sons helped her too.  I called her today and we both cried on the phone.  As I sat in my car in front of Target, I cried.  I remembered my Jeannette and my mommy and those days right when I lost them and how awful and lonely I felt without them.  We hung up about an hour later and I before I hung up with her I told her that I felt her pain.  They say time heals but time has not done to much for me.  I still feel tremendous sadness and I have days where I can't even get out of my bed. 
I pray I have a good year in 2012.  I know Jeannette wants that for me too.

THEY BECAME PARENTS ON DECEMBER 28, 2011.

MR. AND MRS. BUSTOS

My nephew, Santino and his beautiful wife, Trisha.  They welcomed their first baby yesterday, December 28, 2011.  Santino and Trisha will make wonderful parents. They love one another so much and above all else they respect each other.  I think that respecting your spouse should be the number one thing to do in a marriage.  Every time I see Santino and Trisha they are always happy and smiling.  I love being around them.  All we do is laugh about all kinds of things.  They were best friends for years before they took the vows as man and wife.  The baby is a beautiful baby girl.  I can't wait to meet her.  I know if Jeannette were alive she would be so happy and excited too.
May God continue to bless Santino and Trisha. 
Luv Them. 

SHE HAD HER MONTY AND HER LOLO

This picture brings back memories of her being so young.  I think during this time she only had Loreal.  She lived in Fresno and it was so good to know that I didn't have to drive far to see her since she lived a few blocks away from my house.  Weekends were spent having fun with her husband (Monty) and her LoLo. 

SHE ALWAYS CALLED ME ON MY BIRTHDAY. JAN.9th

Every year on my birthday I knew she would either call me or come down to Fresno to see me.  She would make such a fuss about me.  Buying me gifts, candy, dinner and movie.  I remember one year in particular.  It was 2006.  She came to Fresno that year.  I didn't know it and my other daughter, Diana had made a enchilada dinner for me and had invited my son and his wife along with some other relatives to celebrate my birthday.  All of a sudden I hear loud music outside.  I peeked out the window and sure enough, it was Jeannette.  She loved her music and always played it real loud.  I almost tripped over the sofa  as I was running outside to great her.  She stepped off of her SUV looking absolutely stunning in her cute jeans, boots, sweater.  I hugged her and almost cried from joy.  Everyone was so happy to see her.  It was as if a movie star had come to visit by the reaction of everyone.  As usual she brought me so many gifts.  One of the gifts was a pink robe with pink slippers.  I am currently wearing the robe as I write on this blog.  It is warm and it makes me feel as though she is hugging me.  These memories of her are what helps me with my grief.  I miss her so much. 

Jeannette's youngest. Conner taking a nap with his dog.

Two years have gone by since his mommy left this world.  I remember when Jeannette would tuck him in to bed at night and kiss him.   She loved her Conner so much.  He was her baby. 

My Beloved Mother Died on Christmas Day, 2009

back side; sirgio, spencer, buddy,  front row; daniel, sam, ron and ben

My Mother died late on Christmas night.  It was a very sad Christmas of 2009.  I had just lost my Jeannette three months before that.  Here is a picture taken at the Corcoran cemetery.  My mother is missed dearly by all of us.  She loved all of us and was a great mom.  May she rest in Peace. 

God Bless our family.

SHAME ON HIM FOR THROWING OUT HER PERSONAL ITEMS

Two months after she died I traveled to her home in Thousand Oaks, California.  It was November 5, 2009, her birthday.  After I went to the cemetery, I stopped by her house to see my grandchildren.  When I entered the living room of her house I noticed several boxes stacked up next to the window.  It had Jeannette's name on the boxes.  I asked one of my grandchildren about the boxes and one of boys said, "Oh, my dad is throwing out those things, he cleaned out the house of all of my mama's things."  He also said that my ex and his wife had come by and taken almost all the valuables like designer clothes, jewelry, etc.   I opened one of the boxes and found her drivers licence card.  I also found some of her pictures, etc.  I immediately put all those things inside my purse. 
So much injustice, so much disrespect.  I can go on and on but what for.  All it will do is get me all mad all over again. 

I IMAGINE HER AT THE GATES OF HEAVEN LOOKING, WAITING FOR ME.

She is there standing by the gates of Heaven looking to see who is arriving into Heaven.  She has her beautiful eyes wide open looking, anticipating her mama coming thru the gate.  I tell you all, I can't wait to see her again.  I am going to jump up for joy, run straight into her arms, squeeze her with my big hugs.  She is missed so much by me.  Not a day goes by that I do not think about her.  This morning I was wearing her hospital slippers that were left behind in her hospice room.  I remember picking them up and holding them close to me and crying and crying as they wheeled her away to the funeral home.  A 37 year old daughter of mine had just died.  This was so devastating.  Way too young to die.  Leaving behind her four young children.  Leaving behind a mother that has never been the same.  I use whatever tools I can get to help me cope.  This blog helps me so much.  After I write about her I feel some calmness come over me.  Even if it's just for a day or two. 

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

MY BELOVED MOTHER, ANGIE BALDERAMA. RIP

My mother died three months after Jeannette.  She passed away on Christmas Day, 2009.  It was such a sad day for me and all my family and relatives.  We all miss my mom.  She was an awesome mother. 

ESTOS CORAZONS SON PARA UN GRAN HOMBRE EN CONCORD

No tengo derecho de que la hente se de cuenta quen erres.  Tu sabes que estas en mi corrazon.  Te debo mucho portodo lo que me has ayudado.  Cuando mi hija estaba mala y no encontraba como hir a visitar a ella, tu me mandabas ayuda.  Tu me has appoyado contodas mis problemas.  Yo le doy gracias a mi salvador, mi Dios por hacer possible que tu entraras a mi vida.  Mija me tuvo acerca de ella mucho porque tu me ayudastes.  Siempre como siempre erres un Gran Hombre. 
God Bless You.  Deseo que tu recuperes de tu enfermedad y sanes para que podremos mira a cara a cara un dia de estos.  Estoy profundamente greatful por todo.
Que tengas un Felis Navidad y prospero ano nuevo.
Mi querido, mi Gran Hombre.

GLORIA ROCHA, DECEMBER 19, 2011

I am here in my home sitting at my kitchen table alone again and wishing for happiness and good health in 2012.  In reality I will never truly be happy without my Jeannette.  She lives in my heart forever and ever until I die.  Time has gone by.  Two years of grief.  Thanks to God, I have good health and I still feel like a 40 year old inside.  Have alot of energy and I am always out and about doing and helping and supporting something or someone in the family.  My goal for 2012 is to do what needs to be done.  My ex is in for a big surprise. Right when he least expects it, he will be summoned and will have to answer to the courts again for his evil ways and scams.  I can't go into detail just yet for fear he might just be reading this blog.  God will give me what is rightfully mine.  I believe in him.  

All Glory to God

WISH I COULD REACH INTO THIS PIC AND GIVE HER LOTS OF HUGS AND KISSES

If only I could reach in and pull her out of this picture, I would hug her so tight and give her lots of kisses.  She was my last baby.  I miss her so much.  It took me by surprise when I found out I was pregnant again.  My son was only 5 months old when I found out.  As soon as I informed my husband he went into a usual demon mode and started yelling at me and cussing me out.  Telling me I was stupid not to take care of myself and what was he going to do with another child on the way.  I cried so much because I thought he was going to be happy that God was blessing us with another child.  All during my pregnancy he hated me.  Didn't even want to be seen in public with me.  Kept me at home all the time.  During that time I did not know how to drive so I never went anywhere.  This is another ugly memory I have from long ago.  It gets worse than this but I am choosing not to mention it on this blog.  All I know is that I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl on November 5, 1971.  One of the happiest days of my life. 

Me and My Brother, Sam. 2010

It was the year 2010.  Early October when my brother and I along with my dad went to the Fresno Fair.  My brother lives in Maryland and had come down to take care of business with my dad.  During his short stay he mentioned that he wanted to go somewhere in Fresno and have a good time with me and my dad.  I knew the Fresno Fair was going on but hesitated to go because the last time I had been there was in 2008.  It was the last time I went with Jeannette.  She had wanted me all to herself and so just her and I had gone and had a nice time.  My brother drove down from Corcoran with my dad and the three of us went.  My dad was in awe of all the exhibits and displays.  Mostly about all the people there.  We were there for about two hours.  Next day my brother left.  I went to airport along with my other brother Ron to see him off.  Hopefully, he comes back for another visit soon.  He is my baby brother and I love him so much. 

ME AT 7 YEARS OF AGE. DIDN'T KNOW MY FUTURE WOULD BE FULL OF HEARTACHES

I was an innocent seven year old girl back then attending Mark Twain School in Corcoran, Ca.  My life was so sad back then.  We were poor and my mom could not afford to buy me and all my five brothers school clothes every year.  I had to wear hand me downs from friends of my mom's or second hand clothes.  My brothers and I had a close relationship.  We always found something to play with.  No toys, so we made them up.  My brother Dickie got two empty soda cans and stepped on the middle so they stuck to his shoes.  Then he would walk around making noise.  All of us took turns doing this.  Then my brother Manuel got an idea to kick the can.  We played baseball like that.  The person at the plate would kick it and then a runner would try and run the bases before someone kicked it back to home plate.  It was fun. 
Years went by and before long I was a teenager.  Stupid me, fell in love with the first guy that liked me.  He turned out to be a DEMON.  The father of my three children.  I detest him, I rebuke him.  Thanks to God , I am divorced from him. 
My Jeannette endured alot of brain washing by her dad during her life time.  I bet right now she is in Heaven and knowing the truth now all about him and his evil ways.

My life has had it's share of sadness.   The one thing that I can honestly say is that no matter how many bad things happened to me, I am still here for my children and grandchildren.  I give to them all that I can.  Above all else I give them love.  Just like I did to my Jeannette.

LOOK AT MY NETTLE POODLE. SHE GREW UP TO BE A BEAUTY

Jeannette was the cutest little girl.  She did everything I asked of her.  Never ever talked back to me and best of all she really loved me.  Every chance she could, she was near me.  Even when I had company she would stand next to me and holding my hand.  I took her everywhere with me until she turned into a teenager and preferred the company of her older sister, Diana.  When she was a little girl I would sing songs to her and play with all her toys with her.  We would sit on the shag carpet in the family room and play, play and play.  Then I would make us a good lunch.  She always asked for juice.  Any kind would do.  Also, she would ask for pupcakes.  She really meant cupcakes but she had a funny way with words.  When she grew older we became best friends.  By that time Diana and Daniel were off to college and it was just her and I living together.  We would go to Clothestime and to other stores at Fashion Fair in Fresno.  We always had to stop at Jack-in-the-Box to have our Jumbo Jack, fries and shake.  While in my car she would blast out songs but I didn't mind.  I enjoyed those songs too.  We both traveled to UC Berkley to see Daniel graduate.  What a proud moment that was.  Daniel was so happy to see us there.

  I cherish our times together. 
I miss my Nettle Poodle.

Diana's, Daniel and Jeannette's crib

Diana asleep 1967

All three of my children had this crib when they were babies.  Here is Diana fast asleep waiting for Santa to arrive.  The year is 1967.   She was spoiled by me because she was my first baby.  Actually, I spoiled all my three children.  Not over the top spoiled.  Just enough so they knew I loved them.  Diana was 4 years of age when Jeannette was born.  My son Daniel was only a little over a year old when Jeannette was born.  I had two children in diapers.  As I reflect back on my life, I realize those were the most amazing days of my life.  Taking care of my babies.  I never thought about anything else except them and their needs.  I loved my children.  Still do.  I just wish I would have been a stay at home mom longer than what I ended up doing.  When Jeannette was close to dying she mentioned that to me.  She said she understood why I had to work but wished she would have had more time with me.  I hugged her and kissed her and told her that I loved her.  She smiled back at me.  It made me feel better.  My Nettle Poodle.  My baby girl.  I imagine her in this crib again.  Tears are flowing.  Have to stop.

SHE HAD THE MOST AMAZING BEAUTIFUL FACE

Tonight, I was going through a hat box full of pictures and I ran across this one of Jeannette.  I immediately sat down on my bed and looked at it.  Tears began flowing down my cheeks as I remembered the day she took this picture.  She had been wanting her hair to look just right so I had taken her to Fashion Fair mall and to a beauty salon.  She wasn't too happy with the result so after we came home she redid it herself.  There wasn't much she had to do to her face.  It was so beautiful.  She had thick eyebrows and big beautiful brown eyes.  She applied light pink lipstick to her full lips.  Her nose was so cute.  She asked me if she could borrow my hoop earrings and necklace.  This is the picture she took before she graduated from Clovis West High School in Fresno.  My pretty pretty baby girl.  I miss her so much.  I live a life full of memories of her.  I am without a doubt grieving.  Some days it hits me so bad that I have to stay home from work and other times I manage.  I have the rest of my family that depend on me.  Life goes on.  Sadly without my princess. 

THEY WERE ALWAYS CLOSE

Diana, Jeannette and Donna

Every time I let Diana and Jeannette spend the weekend with their grandparents in Corcoran I knew they would have fun.  My sister, Donna was only a few years older than Diana and so they had alot in common.  Jeannette was always in the middle of their conversations and listening to the same music so it was natural for her to love hanging out with them even though she was much younger.  Here they are in this picture in Corcoran.  I know that it must have been early in the morning when they took this picture because my sister Donna had her curlers in her hair.  Also because Diana had probably just finished washing dishes by the looks of her wet sleeve on her top.  Jeannette looked liked they woke her up to take this picture.  I remember how they loved going to Corcoran.  Diana and Jeannette talked about all the fun they had while on the drive back to Fresno.  I sure wish those days were here again.  The days long ago when Jeannette was young and without a care in the world.  Just being a young girl having fun with her relatives. 

I miss My Nettle Poodle.

Happy Birthday to my Granddaughter, Bianca

Christmas Tree Lane, 2011. Bianca and Kee

She will be seventeen years of age tomorrow.  I pick her up every morning and take her to school.  We have a very close relationship.  I love her with all my heart.  She barely started dating this year.  I told her that I am proud of her.  I also told her that at the young age of 17, I was already married and pregnant with her mom.  I look at Bianca and realize she is so young and innocent.  I couldn't imagine her being married and pregnant.  She also reminds me of Jeannette.  Just like Jeannette, she has set so many goals in her life.  Just like Jeannette, she is very loving and kind and never talks back.  Just like Jeannette she has my full attention.  I go to her games at school and call her everyday to check up on her.  I know that if Jeannette were here she would make a big fuss over Bianca's birthday.  Jeannette loved her so much. 

HERE I AM ON THIS BEAUTIFUL SUNDAY WITHOUT MY NETTLE

It is Sunday, December 4, 2011.  I am here on this magnificant day. A day that makes people like me that are grieving feel happy.  I am happy that I can wake up again, make my coffee, and get on this PC to write about my Jeannette.  It is without a doubt that she is in Heaven and rejoicing in God's Kingdom.
I know that if Jeannette would have had a second chance at life that she would have made drastic changes.  Now that she would know who truly loved her she would have moved to Fresno and closer to me.  She and I would have so much fun together.  I would be able to see my grandchildren whom I love with all my heart.
If it wasn't for Diana (my oldest child) I do not know how I could cope.  Diana has always been an amazing child.  She has so much wisdom for her young age.  I rely on her for advice at times and I totally enjoy her company.  Diana was twelve years old when she pulled me from the point of despair.  I was going through a terrible breakdown after my marriage collapsed.  I fell to the floor crying my eyes out.  She picked me up and comforted me.  Her twelve year old body managed to pick up a grown woman and carry her to bed.  That is how much she loved me. 
Now that I am living out my days grieving for my Jeannette, it is Diana who makes sure I am o.k. by calling me or texting me.  I love her with all my heart. 

2008, The cousins, Loreal and Ashlee

This is a picture of my granddaughters, Loreal and Ashlee.  It was taken in 2008.  Time changes things and it happened to me and to all our family.  We lost Jeannette and I am grieving everyday for her.  The thing that hurts me is that Loreal has chosen to take sides and is closer to my ex.  He is a master manipulator among other things and he got ahold of Loreal and filled her mind with all kinds of things about me and about her cousins.  Loreal does not call, or visit me or anyone else.  She shut us all out.  At first I was hurt and was crying and asking myself over and over what did I do to her.  I could not think of anything.    I wish I could somehow reach out to her and say to her that I love her unconditionally.  My arms will be wide open when she comes back into our lives.  I know one day she will come and tell me how sorry she is.  I will say to her that she is my beautiful granddaughter and there is no reason for her to say the word sorry.

I hope she reads this blog so she can know how much we all love her.   

Manuel, Ben and Ron, Jeannette's uncles.

This is a picture taken long ago of three of my four brothers.  I am particularly close to them because we grew up together.  My sisters and younger brother came later in our lives.  There's a fourteen year gap between me and my youngest sister. 
Manuel, Ben and Ron have dealt with several life changing things in their lives. 
My brother Manuel died in 2004.  He had moved to Donna, Texas years ago and had settled down with a lovely woman named Maria.  He died of massive heart attack.  I flew down with my parents and brought his ashes back to my home town of Corcoran, Ca.  We buried him at the Corcoran Cemetery.  Manuel was an active wholesome person.  He loved working out and staying fit.  But what he loved the most was Maria. Also his nine dogs. Manuel had a terrific sense of humor and was always the life of the party.  He was tall and handsome and had a positive impact on anyone that met him for the first time.  I miss him so much. 
My brother Ben (with white suit) is a very loving man.  More than anything in his life, he loves all his children.  Right now he is going through a difficult time in his life.  His son died a week ago.  The funeral will take place on December 11, 2011. In Bakersfield, Ca.  I plan on being there for my brother whom I adore.  We are very close. 
My brother Ron lives here in Fresno. He has one son who lives in Corcoran.  He has made such a tremendous change in his life.  What a great testimony he has to share.  I love him with all my heart. 
All my brothers loved holding Jeannette when she was a baby. They loved her so much.  I know my brother and Jeannette are in Heaven now.  It's just that I miss them so much.
Today is Saturday and I am determined not to be sad today.  I will focus on my other daughter and her family today.

In my heart I ache for my Jeannette and for times long ago when I had all my brothers together here.

HER PICTURE ON MY PC BRIGHTENS MY DAY

My life has taken a turn for the positive.  I choose to live my life thinking positive about things.  I am optimistic.  I always have hope that things will be better and that people will change for the better.  I wake up each morning thanking God for another day.  Another day to do good things.  Smile at people during the coarse of my job. Talk in a friendly voice to the public both in person and on the phone.  I make sure to text or call my family to say to them that I love them. 

One person that I can't call, text, e-mail or send mail to is my Jeannette.  I miss her so much.  Every morning when I turn on my PC, there she is looking at me with those those beautiful eyes.  My Jeannette puts me in a positive mood.  I want to be like her.  She had so much love in her heart. 

Sometimes when grief overcomes me I cry.  I have a good cry and then I recover and begin to focus on business at hand.  I shall never ever get over loosing her.  It feels like an ache inside me that no medicine can cure.  It stays with me every second of everyday.  I "choose." to think positive and not dwell on my grief for most of my days.  I have to.  People depend on me.  I can't let them down. 

SHE LOOKED AT ME WITH THOSE EYES, THOSE BEAUTIFUL EYES

Jeannette was getting her last Chemotherapy.  Her doctor told her that there was nothing more she could do for her except give her pain medication.  I was there in the room and heard her doctor tell her the sad news.  She managed to stay calm but I could tell she wanted to scream and cry just like I did.  We were escorted into the therapy room.  There were about 8 older people already receiving their IV chemo medicine.  Jeannette sat down on the chair.  She looked at me with those eyes.  Those beautiful eyes of hers.  I could tell she wanted to say something but the words were hard to say.  I tried to make her feel comfortable and asked her if she needed anything.  She asked for a blanket.  I noticed that her both breast were engorged.  I could see how the cancer was taking over her body.  She was on heavy pain medicines that did not take her pain away completely.  My dear daughter went through so much.  She was poisoned and burned by chemo and radiation.  For what?  I kept telling her why mija, why keep hurting and burning yourself.  She always said this to me. "Ma, I do it for my children cause I do not want to leave them without a mom."  Jeannette did not have complete support from her husband.  Her dad and his wife were there with her for gain.  I found out they were manipulating her regarding her will.  This still makes me angry.  Someday, all three of them will have to answer to God.  I will never forget the time in the hospital when Jeannette was crying out in pain and I was like a mad woman screaming at the nurses to give her more pain meds.  My ex, her dad came up to me and asked me this.  "Will your God save our daughter."  When he said, "Your God.", it just told me that he doesn't believe in God.  Maybe that is why he has no conscious and is an evil human being. 
My Jeannette, how I wish right now I could get off this PC and go back out to my living room and she would be there telling me, "Ma, hurry, you're missing best part of this movie."  Reality sits in.  I am alone here.  Alone with precious memories of a beautiful, wonderful daughter.  My Jeannette. 

JEANNETTE BOUGHT CHRIS HIS FIRST FIREMANS RAINCOAT

She bought her nephew, Christian Skyy his first Firefighter raincoat.  She loved him and would always buy him toys, etc. every time she came to Fresno.  Christian is now 5 years old.  Two years have gone by since his auntie died.  I always tell him stories about his auntie.  One day last month while he was spending the night with me he asked me to tell him a story.  I began to tell him the story about the Three Little Pigs.  He said, No, not that one."  I asked him what story and he said, "The one about Auntie."  Then he ran to the living room of my house and brought back Jeannette's picture to my bed.  He said, "Gama, can I tell you something?"  I said, "Yes."  He said," I hope auntie brings me another new coat."  It made me sad to have to tell him the truth.  He is so young and so smart.  I thought he could handle the truth.  I told him auntie was in Heaven.  He started crying and asking me how was she going to bring the coat from Heaven.  I told him I would do it for her.  After he went to sleep I cried some more just missing my Jeannette.  She certainly was a very good loving auntie to Christian.

SHE ASKED ME IF SHE WAS STILL PRETTY

It was one of  her good days in 2008.  She bought herself this wig.  Put it on and applied some make up.  She looked at herself in the mirror and said to me, "Mama, do I still look pretty?" I hugged her and said to her that she always looked beautiful because she was also beautiful inside.  She smiled and walked into the kitchen of her house and began to make some coffee.  I went over and told her to sit down and rest and that I would make the coffee. 
We drank our coffee with hazelnut creamer and one spoonful of sugar.  Jeannette and I had so many things in common.  She and I enjoyed watching the same movies.  I remember when that movie called, "Something about Mary." came out.  She and I went to see it and laughed so much.  Even after the movie was over and we were heading home we would think of certain scenes in the movie and begin to laugh so much all over again.  Then when Titanic movie came out we went to see that one too.  We bought the movie together.  Jeannette was so much fun to hang out with.  Always full of laughter.  The kind of laughs that make you cry from laughing.  Oh, and when she hung out with her sister, Diana it was beyond fun.  Everyone in the family loved her so much.  I miss her so much and wish she was right here with me and laughing again.  I know that one day I will see my baby.  That is the day I will be truly happy. 

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

DIANA AND HER BOY, CHRISTIAN SKYY

Diana loves her little boy.  Here they are in doctor's waiting room back in 2009.  She is very much involved all day long with Christian.  Even if I go over and take him away from her for the day, she calls and asked me when is he coming home.  It feels so good to see all the love they have for each other.  I was like that too with all my children.  To this very day I am involved with all my family.  I sure do miss the days when Jeannette was a little girl sitting on my lap just like Christian is with Diana. 

HERE I AM AT WORK PUTTING A SMILE ON MY FACE FOR THE PUBLIC

On this recent day, I was thinking of calling in sick and just staying in bed and dealing with my grief.  It hit me hard when I was looking at Jeannette's pictures.  I cried most of the night and at 2:00 a.m. I turned on my bedroom light and proceeded to read the bible.  I felt so all alone.  My Jeannette is never coming back to my home.  She is never going to call me again.  I will never hear the sweet sound of her voice telling me to come visit her in Thousand Oaks. 
I ended up going to work.  Didn't even curl my hair and with hardly any makeup, showed up 15 minutes late.  A client was already waiting for me.  So I put on this smile and said, "May I help you." 
Working with the public is so rewarding to me.  I have compassion for all that seek help within our department of Fresno County.  Even when "I" personally am going through a difficult time I always put it aside during the coarse of my eight hour job.  In other words my life is put on back burner during work. 

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

One Month before my Mommy died in 2009

There she stood right in the middle of our picture.  She always carried her purse  and she always looked so pretty, my mommy.  It was the day of Thanksgiving in 2009.  Diana prepared the whole entire meal for all of us.  She mainly did it so her grandma would go to her home in Fresno.  My mommy was the most awesome mother in the world.  She made sure to take care of her family all her life.  I was happy that day.  Enjoyed her company and my dad too.  I sure miss my mommy.

MY BROTHER BEN BALDERAMA PAYING RESPECT TO HIS SON.

My niece (Gina)  posted this picture of my brother visiting the sight where his son was killed last Sunday.  The train was more than speeding.  It was a freight train.  My nephew was trying to cross the tracks with his bike.  It happened so fast.  Within seconds there was no more GeGe.  It was a horrific moment for the family.  Everyone knew about what happened within an hour.  Phone calls to relatives near and far.  So much pain to endure for his dear mother and father.  So much grief.  Days turned into nights.  No rest, no sleep, not eating.  Thinking about him and what a tremendous loss to our family.  My brother lives close to the railroad tracks.  He has to move away from the sound that hits his ears every four hours.  The ugly sound of the train.  The train that killed his son.  His dear sweet son.  A son that had a very loving and close relationship with his father.  He knew his father loved him unconditionally.  I feel such sadness for my brother.  When I went to visit him yesterday I told him that GeGe is with my Jeannette now and rejoicing in Heaven.  Here on earth we cry.  Yes, we cry for our dear GeGe.  I still cry for my Jeannette.  But we are promised that one day we will be reunited in Heaven.  Praise God!!!!!

A DAY SPENT WITH MY SIS, BRENDA BELLA

It was cold and foggy on this day 25th day of November, 2011.  They call it Black Friday.  A day after Thanksgiving.  A day full of people of all shapes and colors looking for the best bargains in stores.  Some camp out in front of the stores so that they can be first in to get what they want during this Christmas season.

I choose to not participate in all that due to it makes me feel sad just knowing how much Jeannette looked forward to Black Friday every year.  She was the type of person that would wake up at 2:00 a.m just to be at Macy's when they opened the doors. 

My sister Brenda was waiting for me today.  We, along with my cousin Rene went to Bakersfield, California to visit my brother and his family in respect of my nephew that died last Sunday.  As soon as I picked up Brenda we began to catch up on what is happening in our lives.  I noticed a bowl of food with some aluminum foil wrapped on top to cover it.  She said it was turkey, salad and stuffing and that we could eat it on the way to pick up cousin Rene in Tulare, Ca.  As I was driving I was digging into the food.  It was so tasty.  I loved it.  We talked and laughed about things in general. Before I knew it, we were already in Tulare.

Picked up Rene and headed to my brother Ben's house.  We were all there for him and all of us hugged him and all the rest of the family.  My brother Ben is having a very difficult time.  His son, Ben Jr.  was very close to him.  We left at around 5:00 P.M. and I made it here to my house by 7:00 p.m. 

I thank God for blessing me with my sweet sister Brenda.  It was a good trip.
It was a blessed day for me.

 Black Friday is not all that bad afterall.

My Granddaughter, Bianca and Me.

Here we are hanging out on a November night.  She and I had gone out to dinner that night. Sometimes I have to just convince myself to go out and have fun instead of being sad about everything that has happened in my life. They say time has a way of healing our sadness.  It's been two years and I still can hear Jeannette's voice calling out to me saying, "Mama, please help me."  I am dealing with so many emotions at this time.  My Bianca makes me forget for a moment that life goes on.  I focus on her and make her happy.  We walked into a store and she ran straight to the shoe section.  She began to make comments about how nice they were and tried on a few of the boots.  I was glancing around and looking at sweaters and tops.  Bianca went over to me and said, " Grandma, can you please buy me those boots."  I asked her how much.  She smiled at me and said $25.00. I told her I would think about it.  As I made my way around the store I looked at her standing by the check out counter hoping that I would come and buy the boots.  I walked over to her and said, "O.K. baby, just because you are a good girl, get good grades and help your mama."  She hugged me and kissed me on the cheek.  It brought back memories of Jeannette as a teenager.  She and I loved shopping.  I remember all those silly faces she would make and how she would kiss me and hug me real tight when I bought her anything. 

I miss my Nettle Poodle.

He is with Jeannette in Heaven now. Ben Balderama Jr. (aka Gigi)

It happened on a cold night on November 20, 2011.  Everyone is in shock.  How could this happen and why.    He is gone but never forgotten.  My brother Ben is in a  state of extreme grieving for his beloved son.  He never knew the pain in my heart over loosing Jeannette until now.  As a parent, the loss of a child had to be the ultimate grief of all.  Gigi, was loved by all and especially his mother, Martha and my brother Ben Balderama.  Gigi, was a brother, a cousin, a husband, a grandchild, a dad, but most of all he was a SON.  A wonderful loving son to my brother, Ben and Martha.  I believe that Jeannette took him by the hand in Heaven.  He went straight to Heaven. 

Rest in Peace, my dear GiGi

Thanksgiving will never be the same for ME.

Today is Thanksgiving, November 24, 2011.  It is without a doubt one of my most precious memories of Jeannette.  Here she is sitting at the dinner table surrounded by all her loved ones.  I am sitting right next to her.  It is 2008. Her last Thanksgiving.  I think she knew it would be her last because she had begged me to please spend it with her at her dad's house.  As you all know from my previous blogs, that I do not like the man that calls himself father.  He is not a father to his very own children and is not a grandfather to most of his grandchildren.   Anyway, I had told Jeannette that yes, I would attend the Thanksgiving dinner at her dad's house.  It was awkward walking into his home at first but as soon as Jeannette came running over to me to hug me I began to have a sense of happiness in my heart.  I noticed a few items my ex had stolen from me when he abandoned me and his children.  The hutch, the table, etc.  o.k. I had to let that ugly feeling go out the window and enjoy the company of my Jeannette and grandchildren and also my son and his family and my other daughter, Diana and her family.  We laughed, we ate, we hugged.  One thing that I couldn't do is take away that demon cancer growing inside Jeannette and that tore at my heart.  On the outside I was laughing and having a good time but on the inside I was on my knees crying and crying for my Jeannette. She didn't know that I noticed she didn't hardly eat any turkey or anything else on her plate.  I told her how lovely she looked in her fancy jeans, boots and cute top.  She smiled at me and whispered in my ear, "Thank You Mama for coming."  I would do anything for her.  If she were still alive and asked me to do it again, I would.   I shall forever never be the same person.  Thanksgiving is a day of thanks.   I give thanks to God for giving me such a wonderful loving daughter.
 I miss my Nettle Poodle.

SHE IS UP IN HEAVEN NOW.

She is gone but never forgotten.  I think of her everyday.  Something great happened today to me.  I went to the Verizon store to just browse around and see the new phones.  A sweet guy that worked there asked me if he could help.  I said no.  I told him I have had my phone for two years and that I won't be changing it unless it breaks.  I told him it would be a long story to let him know why.  He said he had time to listen.  So, I told him that my Jeannette died two years ago and I still have the phone she gave me and on it is her voice message telling me not to worry about her.  I also told him that someone at Verizon had told me that if I change to new phone that I would loose her message.  He said he was gonna see and low and behold i got new phone with her voice still on it.  I walked out with new phone and without having to pay anything down due to good credit rating.  I am so happy.  My Nettle Poodle continues to comfort me with her voice message to me. 

MY MOM, DAD AND SIS

I woke up thinking about my dear mother.  As Christmas get's closer I begin to really get sad about loosing her on Christmas night two years ago.  My mama was so very kind.  She always had something nice to say to me.  We had a special relationship.  I talked to her more than my dad on the phone everyday.  She is missed so much by my dad.  I can't even mention her name because my dad starts crying all over again for her.  He misses her so much.  My mom was pampered by my dad.  He did just about anything for her.  They had a solid good marriage for many many years.  It was comforting to me to enter their home full of love throughout the years.  Now, as two years have gone by I try and take my dad out to places so he can enjoy life again.  I don't want him rocking his life away in a rocking chair.  I make it a point to call him almost everyday.  My sister Brenda and her two sons are living with my dad and that totally comforts me.  Just knowing he is not alone.  My sis Brenda cleans and cooks and does everything for my dad.  I appreciate her and the boys so much.  My sis Donna lives far away but I know her heart is there full of love for my dad.  I am blessed to have a loving family. 

A SPECIAL MESSAGE FOR YOU

Aqui te mando estos regalitos para que los mires y tengas sonrisa en tu cara.  No puedo mandar flores de verdad porque no se tu dericcion de tu casa.  Quero que sepas que estoy pensando en ti y orando a Diosito que te recuperes pronto para que no tengas dolor y te estes sano.  Ayer pensaba que mire un Angelito volando a tu casa y dandote un gran abraso de parte de mi.  Esta frio afuera y no te me vallas para afuera a regar las matas o jugar con los perros.  No quero que te subes en tu auto para hir de compras. No quero que andes bailando en tu solar y tambien brinkando pariba y pafajo. 
Si quero que te cuides bien.  Que tengas covijas calientitas y una almuada para descansar tu cabeza. Si quero que te tomas todas las medicinas que el doctor te ha recetado.  Mas que todo quero que te quede muy claro que aqui yo estoy en el mismo lugar y con la misma gente pensando en ti.  Tu eres un gran hombre.  Que Diosito y sus Angeles esten contigo, mi Amor de el sielo. 

CAN YOU SPOT MY NETTLE POODLE IN THIS PIC

There she was in all her prettiness wearing her Air Force uniform waiting for the arrival of President Reagan's casket and to pay her respect.  She was among some of her fellow staff and other military.  She gave so much of herself not only to her family and loved ones but also to our country.  She was not afraid to join the Air Force and told me not to worry. 
Notice how must of the people are wearing sunglasses.  She isn't. I am so glad she didn't because I can see her lovely face among the crowd.  She was an exceptionally beautiful woman.  My baby, my girl.  How proud I am of her and all that she accomplished during her short stay on earth.  She lived her life like it was her last day on earth.  Traveled all over the world.  The friends she had were totally pampered by her.  She never forgot any birthdays, etc.  Always full of love.  My dear Jeannette.  What a blessing God gave to me.  I wish she were here right now with me as i sit alone in front of this computer in my house. I know she would tell me to get off the computer and let's go shopping or go out to eat.  She was so exciting to be around with.  Spur of the moment that was my girl.  I remember one day years back she and I were sitting watching a movie.  All of a sudden she put the movie on pause and told me to get ready and that we were going to Baskin Robbins and bring back sundaes to eat while we watched the movie.  That's the kind of person she was.  Always wanting to do fun things.  I miss my Nettle Poodle.

My Brother Sam and My Dear Mama, July 2009

It was a long trip for my brother Sam when he came down from Maryland to see my mom.  She was recovering from open heart surgery.  She was in her bedroom and in bed most of the time.  All our family got together on that hot July 18, 2009 to celebrate my dad's birthday and Sam's.  My mom was wonderful.  She loved all of us and was always there to lend her support in anything that came our way.  I miss her so much.  I know Jeannette is in Heaven with my mom. 

I MISS MY MOM



Mother to be, (Trisha), my mom and Santino

 She was beautiful, kind and loved her family.  She was outspoken and would not hesitate to let anyone her opinions.  My mom was so good to everybody. She practically raised her three grandsons.  The one in this picture is Santino.  Here he is with his wife, Trisha and my mom.  My mom always had her hair done at least once per week.  She wore stylish clothes and always had the latest new eye glasses.  She was pampered by my dad.  My mom loved Jeannette so much.  She prayed for her all the time.  One phrase that I will always remember about her is when she would say, "Everybody Look at Me."  She wanted every one's full attention when she had something very important to say.  My mom gave me alot of advice especially during the time I was married to the demon.  She wanted to build up my self esteem and not let him boss me around all of the time.  She died on Christmas Day of 2009.  Three months after Jeannette had died.  I miss my mommy and I miss my Nettle Poodle.

AT MACYS WITH HER LOLO. HER PRECIOUS LOLO

Jeannette and her Loreal (LoLo) had a special bond that nobody could ever break.  It was a mother and daughter relationship like no other.  Jeannette was her mother and friend.  She wanted all the best that life has to offer to her LoLo.  In those days when she was real sick and could not do normal things anymore around the house like clean, etc.  It was Loreal who came home from school and would clean the whole house and plus bake cupcakes or a cake if her mama asked her to.  It was LoLo who looked after her younger brothers when her mama had to go to doctor visits or to go pick up medications, etc.  So it was very natural for LoLo to be called for by Jeannette when she was in her last days at the hospital.  She cried out in pain and her LoLo massaged her legs and was right there for her mama.  Jeannette is in Heaven now and is Loreal's guardian angel. 

HER FIRST SURGERY. WAITING ROOM AND INTO HER THOUGHTS

Here she was deep into her thoughts in the waiting room of a hospital.  I wonder if she was thinking what the hell am I as young as I am, doing in this waiting room and moments from being called to surgery to implant a device on my chest in order for doctors and nurses to have quick access to my veins.  She was scared that day but did not want to show it due to her youngest named Conner had accompanied her to the hospital along with me and her husband.  No sooner had they escorted us to the waiting room when her husband said, "Well, you're mom's here anyway so I'm heading out with Conner and will call the hospital from time to time and check to see if you're ready to come home."  I looked at Jeannette's face to see her reaction.  She was so preoccupied with her surgery that she didn't even care.  I cared.  What kind of a man, a husband would leave his wife and act like it was no big deal and leave.  It pissed me off.  But, I did not want Jeannette to get upset so I let it go.  I hugged her and told her that I would be waiting for her when she came out of surgery.  She smiled at me as the nurse escorted her to the surgery room.  I prayed everything would turn out well. That was around 7:00 a.m.  She was in recovery by around noon time and ready to leave at around 2:00 p.m.  Her husband arrived just in time to take her home. She was in a good mood on the way home and kept telling me that she was going to win her battle with cancer and for me not to worry so much.  I managed to crack a smile to hide the fact that I was so nervous and so sad at what she had to go through.  My poor sweet Jeannette.  I miss her so much.  She didn't deserve all that she went through.